My parents separated about 10 years ago, though they were estranged long before that and slept in separate bedrooms starting when I was about 12. The separation was devastating for my mom. She always loved my dad, despite his not really showing her any love all those years. She is an alcoholic, he is cyclothymic (kind of a lighter version of bipolar disorder). They only finalized the divorce a few years ago. My dad started dating, though, about a month after my mom and he split up. I was really shocked at the time. I remember feeling disappointed in him that he wasn't going to take any time to grieve the ending of almost 30 years of marriage, or to work on his problems.
He's still with that same woman, and she and I are friendly although we don't know each other well. A month or so ago my dad called to say they're getting married. He said it's for financial reasons, so she can get his social security when he "x's out," as he puts it.
He seems really happy, so I'm happy for him. But my mom is devastated all over again. She's been on and off the wagon many times but was doing great for a long time before this news came along. Now she seems to be drinking all the time again, and it makes me so sad because it's like she's not there. She lives in Florida with my grandparents, but we talk almost every day. Talking to her when she's drinking is like talking to the ghost of her...she's so unfocussed and just not present. Sometimes she'll seem OK, and we'll have a whole conversation, and then I'll talk to her the next morning and she'll have forgotten the whole thing. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings, but from what she's told me directly and indirectly, she has been thinking a lot about my dad when they were first married, all the fun they had, what it was like when my sister and I were little. And she's re-experiencing the trauma of what it was like when he first left, which is also when she found out he spent all their retirement money. She and my sister (living at home with her due to bipolar) had to sell the family home and move into a rental duplex. My dad never lived up to the alimony agreements they had, and she didn't want to use legal means to enforce it. My dad just threw her checks every so often for random amounts, and her job as a school nurse barely covered her expenses. The constant financial worry combined with the grief over losing him drove her to nearly kill herself with alcohol. It took me years to forgive my dad for leaving her and for mishandling their finances so badly, and to recognize my mom's part in the breakdown of their relationship.
I know all this is beyond my control, and all I can do is love each of them. But it's so painful to see my mom in such pain. She is such a wonderful person, the most caring person I've ever met. And while I'm happy for my dad, it is hard for me to have him make this change, too. He is already so much more involved with his girlfriend's family than he is with me and my kids. I feel like my sister and I were still his family...now it feels more like his wife and her kids are his family, and my sis and I are his kids from his second marriage.
Anyway, thanks for reading my overlong post. I know it's not the worst thing that could happen to a family or to a person, and I am thankful for the many blessings in my life. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge to myself that I am sad about this.
He's still with that same woman, and she and I are friendly although we don't know each other well. A month or so ago my dad called to say they're getting married. He said it's for financial reasons, so she can get his social security when he "x's out," as he puts it.
He seems really happy, so I'm happy for him. But my mom is devastated all over again. She's been on and off the wagon many times but was doing great for a long time before this news came along. Now she seems to be drinking all the time again, and it makes me so sad because it's like she's not there. She lives in Florida with my grandparents, but we talk almost every day. Talking to her when she's drinking is like talking to the ghost of her...she's so unfocussed and just not present. Sometimes she'll seem OK, and we'll have a whole conversation, and then I'll talk to her the next morning and she'll have forgotten the whole thing. She doesn't like to talk about her feelings, but from what she's told me directly and indirectly, she has been thinking a lot about my dad when they were first married, all the fun they had, what it was like when my sister and I were little. And she's re-experiencing the trauma of what it was like when he first left, which is also when she found out he spent all their retirement money. She and my sister (living at home with her due to bipolar) had to sell the family home and move into a rental duplex. My dad never lived up to the alimony agreements they had, and she didn't want to use legal means to enforce it. My dad just threw her checks every so often for random amounts, and her job as a school nurse barely covered her expenses. The constant financial worry combined with the grief over losing him drove her to nearly kill herself with alcohol. It took me years to forgive my dad for leaving her and for mishandling their finances so badly, and to recognize my mom's part in the breakdown of their relationship.I know all this is beyond my control, and all I can do is love each of them. But it's so painful to see my mom in such pain. She is such a wonderful person, the most caring person I've ever met. And while I'm happy for my dad, it is hard for me to have him make this change, too. He is already so much more involved with his girlfriend's family than he is with me and my kids. I feel like my sister and I were still his family...now it feels more like his wife and her kids are his family, and my sis and I are his kids from his second marriage.
Anyway, thanks for reading my overlong post. I know it's not the worst thing that could happen to a family or to a person, and I am thankful for the many blessings in my life. I just wanted to take some time to acknowledge to myself that I am sad about this.
to you. I hope your mom finds her way past this.
