Dads, any help on this is appreciated

[goodlife2010]

I hope someone here can give me some perspective.
I am a bit postpartum and I don't think I am thinking clearly.

I have agreed to let my bf have our 3 month old daughter a few days a week at his place. I did not want to do this but…he basically told me if I make him a “weekend dad” he will hate me and take me to court. However, in our state the single mother is given complete custody of the child. He knows this and has said as much . He says it is not fair that I should have our child most of the time. But we don’t live together so what does he expect?. When I say our child needs to bond with me..he says well she needs to bond with him too…He has asked me why he can’t have her live with him and I be the one to visit him.. He also tells me he will not accept not seeing her at least 50% of the time. He talked like this when I was pregnant and we were having our problems in the relationship. Most of the problems in our relationship center around the fact that I am a divorced mom of a 7yr old. My 7yr old’s dad picks his child up for visits etc.
What am I supposed to do?..this is his first child and I want to be supportive and fair but what is fair for a father when we are not married or living in the same house?

Thanks in advance for your help on this…

[plunky]

When my daughter was three months old, this wouldn't have been feasible because she was nursing. If you are nursing her, I don't think he's making much sense. If you're not...I think he has a point. But I'm not a lawyer.

I would consult a lawyer or otherwise do research to find out what is common in your area.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Post in Single Parenting - the people there are fabulous. Also, if there is not a court order, DO NOT HAND OVER THE CHILD. (eta - the reason I say this is that until there is a court order in place, both parents can basically pick the child up and move across country if they want to and theres nothing saying they can't - they have equal rights. If you want to make sure you get your child back on time, you need a court order b/c otherwise there is no legal recourse.)

Get a lawyer, wait for him to sue for visitation. Is his name on the birth certificate? If not, He has no rights and must prove paternity before he has any.

[plunky]

Yes, please move to Single Parenting if this is going to go in the "Dad has no rights" direction. I don't feel that is appropriate for the Dads forum.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by plunky

Yes, please move to Single Parenting if this is going to go in the "Dad has no rights" direction. I don't feel that is appropriate for the Dads forum.

I didn't say dad has no rights. My emotionally abusive ex has tons of visitation with his son. But we went through lawyers and the court systems so that he wouldn't just pick my baby up and take him to live with grandma (who he so desperately wants to raise DS it makes me sick to my stomach to think about it).

Him saying that he will "hate you" and take you to court is manipulative.

[plunky]

Originally Posted by thyra

Get a lawyer, wait for him to sue for visitation. Is his name on the birth certificate? If not, He has no rights and must prove paternity before he has any.

Looks like you said he has no rights to me.

Edit-Regardless, you are talking to this person about how to circumvent Dad's request for visitation. Whether or not that's appropriate legal advice, I'd rather it didn't happen here. Do it in Single Parenting.

Your relationship with your ex is quite different than the tone of this post, which implies strongly that she's still in a relationship with this man.

[Gucci&Granola]

A Different Perspective

Let me start out by saying that I am sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like it's tough for everyone involved. I am actually a female (and I know this is a dad's forum) but I think my experience may be helpful.

I wanted to offer the perspective of a child of separated parents. When I was 4 and my younger sister was 1 my parents split up. There was no custody battle in court (which I think made a big difference in how we viewed the separation, and it didn't devastate us). We spent half of our time with our father who loved us dearly and he learned relatively quickly to do things that even some of our friends' moms couldn't do (meal plan, braid hair, shop for little girl toys and clothes). Having our dad in our life as more than a "weekend dad" has made an enormous impact on both of us for the better. The schedule was worked out between the parents to suit the entire families needs and even though it was at times trying to live in two places, the alternative would have been much worse.

I realize that your situation may be different. I think that despite how upset my parents were with each other they still trusted one another to do what was best for the children (which meant having both mother and father raising them equally). Because of this they agreed to stay in the same town or make moving decisions as a family. They generally tried to leave their own b/s out of the child rearing decisions. If you feel that you can communicate honestly with your ex then talk to him about your concerns. It is perfectly normal to be attached to your baby and sad and anxious at the thought of being separated from her for long periods of time. Try to imagine how your ex feels. If you are nursing perhaps you can work out a schedule for pumping and tell the dad that you need him to compromise a bit until the baby is weaned.

In my experience, most dads shirk the responsibility of their children when a separation or divorce takes place. The fact that your ex feels passionately enough about being a "real" father to his beautiful baby girl says something wonderful about his character (regardless of you two's inability to work your own relationship out). Morally, I think that unless your daughter is in danger of abuse or neglect with your ex, you have absolutely no right to force him into being a weekend dad. If having a lawyer draw up some papers makes both or either of you more comfortable then maybe that should take place. Just try to keep things civil and fair (and consider using mediation in place of litigation if possible).

One day your daughter will thank both of you for putting her needs and well being first when you decided to co-parent instead of just contentiously co-exist.

Good Luck.

[koalove]

my dh and i have spoken about this exactly...what if we ever split (we are nowhere close to that now) how will we share the kids? he want 50% and i dont think its right, especially if the child in a newborn. so we have to examine the reasons i feel that way (and maybe you too). is he a fully capable person? a responsible parent? he sounds like he really want to be involved and loving. thats awesome! but your babe is 3 mos old, right? and heres where it gets weird. i realize some will get mad at me for this, and i wish i had a logical reason or some science for it, but the bottom line (for me) is that the child is 3 months old and YOU ARE THE MOM. this baby just came out of your body. if for no other reason, the fact that this baby is intimately bonded with mom in a way that dad doesnt have yet is enough for me. i think its scary for babies to be away from their mothers. sorry dads. theres no way on earth i could let my 3 month old be away from me 50% of the time. However, dad really needs the time too. can you guys plan lots of family time together? can you work it out so he has her a few overnights and a few day time days and a few days together? you said he is your bf~ not your ex, so arent you guys spending time together anyways? that is an incredibly tough spot to be in.