She won't stop yelling at me!

[Jezzy]

Hi Mamas,

this is the first time for me posting in this forum. Thanks for reading. I am having more than a little trouble with my LO 2 1/2

She has always been a challange. She is the most challenging of my 3 kids and this from the get go. She spent the first 6 months crying all the time. If I wasn't bouncing with her on a gymnastics ball she was crying.

I have been practicing attached parenting to my best. I wore her, we are CLW'ing and I try to gentle disiplining.

Ash has always been a very head strong little girl. It is her way or we get major break downs. As she gets older it is getting more difficult for me to cheer her up when she is in a bad mood

It starts in the morning. If I sing her the wrong song she lets me know it. I feel like a fool getting screamed at by a 2 year old!

She screams at me all day long which is difficult for me to deal with because I am such a quiet person.

She yells at me for everything that she thinks I am doing wrong. I have NO idea where she gets this because I don't yell. I am really starting to feel the urge (no flames pretty please) to yell back at her.

She is also starting to be a bully hitting her younger playmates which is super frustrating for me. I have no idea where she gets this from. She has never been hit or has seen anyone being hit. Her siblings are much older and out of the fighting stage, they are 17 and 15.

How do I stop her screaming at me and get her to stop hitting? I am really looking for some tips on how I can better deal with this because sometimes I feel like I am loosing it. It seems like it is getting worse and worse every day.

[ssh]

Calmly say "shouting hurts my ears and my feelings", and tell her if she wants something to ask nicely. Aggressive behavior and tantrums are really normal at 2.5, so it doesn't have to be learned behavior. Persistently, calmly demanding to being treated appropriately will work it just takes a long time with toddlers because they don't have any impulse control but do have volatile emotions. If she hits, pick her up and say "if you can't play gentle you can't play", if it happens after you put her down from the 'timein' with you then leave while repeating "if you can't play gentle you can't play". After several times of leaving everytime your DD gets too rough she will learn that you won't let her play unsafely with others. The book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Kurcinka could help.

Also it's ok for a 2.5 year old to have a tantrum. Tantrums are how they learn to deal with big emotions. Just be a calm or comforting presence until the tantrums is over. Identifying the emotion helps them learn to identify it themselves. It's not your job to keep your DD in a happy mood. It's not good for her for you to try to prevent every upset by doing everything she wants.

[Jezzy]

Thanks Ssh... When she screams at me and I tell ger it hurts my ears because it does... I have had Tinnitus for 6 years now. Do I walk away from her?

Another new thing she has been doing... This little bean comes up with stuff ny other two have never done.. An example

i am in the kitchen cooking. She wants to read and doesn't want to help. I leave her on the couch with her books and 5 minutes later she says mama come get me. I tell her come quick and she can help me cut the tomatoes. She screams No come and get me!! I peek around the corner knee down and open my arms and say come help me cook. She repeated you come and get me!

What do I do there. I feel like she is trying to control me! She starts crying and expects me to get her...

Another thing she does.. When I get angry and tell her hitting hurts, yelling hurts ect. Ect. She will look at me stroke my face and say awwww your so cute.. What the heck! I get the feeling that she is trying to re-direct me and to put me on another path!

Thanks for the book suggestion.

[ssh]

She sounds really persistent and cute. I've never really walked away during a tantrum, but for shouting at me that would be fine. She is at an age where they try to see how much control they have over their self. 3 is usually when they they try to see how much control they have over the world around them. So she's not trying to control you, just testing to see if she can. You probably want to gently let her know that she can't. With your example I would have said calmly 'I'm cooking now, you can come help me'. If she gets upset, be sympathetic, "I'm sorry you're sad, but mommy's has to cook now" ... etc. She is probably trying to be nice to you the same ways you are nice to her. She's learning from the behavior you've modeled. Once my DD was over 3.5, I'd sometimes say "sweeties you aren't the queen of the world, other people get to do stuff they want too".

[jennmiller]

Have you considered that she may have food allergies or sensitivities? It is very, very common for children to react to foods with aggressive behaviors. My own DD seriously acts like the girl in the Exorcist when she eats chocolate. She'll bite herself and kick, hit and scream at me saying "I hate you! I want you to die!". Then within next day or two she's back to her sweet self. You may want to do some research on food allergies and keep a food diary of what she eats and craves. Chances are if she craves a certain food all the time, she's probably allergic to it. I really feel for you and I hope this helps.

[Jezzy]

Thanks Jenn! She craves sweets all the time and begs from the time she wakes up til she goes to bed. I will keep a diary for the next couple of weeks.

[karika]

Originally Posted by jennmiller

Have you considered that she may have food allergies or sensitivities? It is very, very common for children to react to foods with aggressive behaviors. My own DD seriously acts like the girl in the Exorcist when she eats chocolate. She'll bite herself and kick, hit and scream at me saying "I hate you! I want you to die!". Then within next day or two she's back to her sweet self. You may want to do some research on food allergies and keep a food diary of what she eats and craves. Chances are if she craves a certain food all the time, she's probably allergic to it. I really feel for you and I hope this helps.

aggressive behavior is definitely related to food IMO. I am dealing with it in my nearly 7 yo. Now that I have at least realized it is the chemistry of how food affects her, I at least have a lead, but she is still very aggressive, so I still have detective work to do. If you have the ability to test her for food intolerances, that is what I would recommend. I have her father that doesn't believe me and only medicaid so I am figuring it out by trial and error here. The tests I most often see mentioned are IGG IGE and OAT. Perhaps others that have done it can help more in the allergies section. We were already organic (no HFCS,food colorings, msg, preservatives, etc) so our next step was removing dairy, then gluten, then soy. I have read on this site that yeast and bad bacteria cause aggressive behavior, I love this site http://www.danasview.net/yeast.htm
We take (not every one every day though, I forget some days) GSE in OJ, biotin, mag, probiotic (away from the GSE), and vitamin d (we eat a lot of fruit and get our 'c' that way)
All this may sound overwhelming from where you are now. Cut out HFCS, food colorings, white sugar items and start giving a probiotic to start with IMO. Then get rid of dairy, soy and gluten next. Most people see a dramatic change just from that. But if there is still something she is reactive to in her diet...(this is where the testing would be good, so you would know) I now know for certain that grapes set my girl off. We saw it 3 times in a row so now we know. GL

[Jezzy]

Wow... That is a lot Karika! I will ask our dr. About the testing. We need to do bloodwork with her anyway. Ash had Samonella 6 months ago and since then has had only a couple of normal bm. They are really loose. We are still busy trying to figure out why..

My dh doesn't support me on this either. :-( he thinks I am nuts when I keep saying something isn't right...

[karika]

Originally Posted by Jezzy

Wow... That is a lot Karika! I will ask our dr. About the testing. We need to do bloodwork with her anyway. Ash had Samonella 6 months ago and since then has had only a couple of normal bm. They are really loose. We are still busy trying to figure out why..

My dh doesn't support me on this either. :-( he thinks I am nuts when I keep saying something isn't right...

has she ever taken antibiotics? with the info that she has had loose stool for a long time, it is pretty likely she has a yeast imbalance. The probiotic will begin 'good' bacteria recolonizing her gut. A few drops of GSE (grapefruit seed extract) in OJ will begin to kill the yeast. I give dd1 4 drops of GSE in a shot of OJ (stir it because it sticks to bottom, then have them drink it, then follow by filling shot glass with OJ again. If you need a motivator, try Enjoy Life chocolate chips. Mine does it without though, because she understands we are healing her gut. The page on dana's site I linked above talks about the stools associated with an overgrowth of yeast. Bacteria and yeast live in balance in our bodies and taking antibiotics changes the balance by killing bacteria indiscriminately, which allows the yeast to overgrow. Sugar feeds yeast, so people with a yeast overgrowth crave sugar...

[Jezzy]

She has been given probiotics. They didn't help much. Since the Samonella she has had the Rota virus, Noro virus and the Schwein flu. She ( knock on wood ) has been healthy these last couple of weeks