Conflicted...Domestics or Not... - Page 2

[doubledutch]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

But I'm going back to grad school in the fall, I'll be on a tight income, and I think he really is going to need to step in. I'm fighting with that enabling, codependent mindset myself, where I feel like if I "make" him pay child support, I'm being mean.
But hey, I've learned to stop "lending" him money, so I am getting better.

it's funny how we can know something (and passionately share that knowledge with others in our position!) yet things are so much fuzzier in real life, when it comes to putting the knowledge into practice. it's so not your fault he can't support himself (and his child).

[*MamaJen*]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

it's funny how we can know something (and passionately share that knowledge with others in our position!) yet things are so much fuzzier in real life, when it comes to putting the knowledge into practice. it's so not your fault he can't support himself (and his child).

I feel like I give fabulous, well thought out, rational advice to other people in my situation. My big goal this month is to start giving some of that fabulous advice to myself. Like, work on fixing myself before I try to fix other people. But seriously, I'm realizing that it takes real work to deal with these issues of codependency and enabling. It's practically the same steps you would use to fight alcoholism or something.

[sparklefairy]

Originally Posted by *MamaJen*

I feel like I give fabulous, well thought out, rational advice to other people in my situation. My big goal this month is to start giving some of that fabulous advice to myself. Like, work on fixing myself before I try to fix other people. But seriously, I'm realizing that it takes real work to deal with these issues of codependency and enabling. It's practically the same steps you would use to fight alcoholism or something.

LOL -- yes, they are! In my opinion, one doesn't have to be dealing with an alcoholic to get something out of Al-Anon.

[doubledutch]

aw, mamajen! you do practice what you preach, and you deserve credit for that, because the things we all (so quickly and easily) tell each other to do are not easy to do for ourselves.

i understand the struggle of wanting to be nice, but putting your child's needs first - that's definitely the right thing to do, and it's not selfish or b!tchy. and that goes for you, too, jsma!

[texmati]

forum crashing, but jsma, in this case, you are the only one fighting for your kiddos in this. Make sure they get what they are entitled to.

[violet_]

JsMa,

Yes, in PA they treat the children equally now -- it says so on the main CS website. So your babies will be supported if you request it. And the previous order will simply be reduced. Again, not your problem. I mean, think -- if a couple were married and the man had another child outside that marriage, he'd still be liable to support that kid. We wouldn't hear any nonsense about how his wife didn't budget for that. She'd get a ton of sympathy, but no one would ask that the new baby not be supported. The kids would all be supported. And, ironically, these Dark Ages "first to the well" rules in some places could backfire (in this example) against the legal spouse (or STBX?) if the other baby mama filed first. But I digress.

Oh, and forget about fairness. State guidelines vary wildly, so they can't all be fair. They're based on someone's approximation when the laws were last updated in each state. Fairness is too high of a bar. For example, DH has to pay, let's just say, a rather LARGE amount of support in our state, which doesn't take the CP's income into account. In your state, according to the online calculator, she would have to pay him (since she makes so much more money and he pays health insurance). Are these both fair? Doesn't matter. They're both the law, and it just matters which place has jurisdiction. Just go with the law where you live.

[MissLotus]

I just adore your stbx's blanket statements about women and their supposed greed. "you women get blinded by money signs." To want/need more than [B]$320 pathetic dollars to support TWO CHILDREN?![/B] I hate to break the news to him, but that's peanuts. It's sad peanuts. He doesn't exactly sound like Daddy Warbucks so to try to make himself out to be a goldmine that women are chasing after is just silly.

And to try to make you feel guilty over that is despicable. Poor him. It's one thing to simply not have the money, but if he were respectful and truly working with you and laying all his info on the line, that would be one thing. But to insult you, tell you you're greedy because he must do his share financially, and to top it off, then insult women in general (as though he's such an authority on women) - is reprehensible.

Let him get another job - his temper is so horrible that my heart would really not be breaking if your daughter sees a little less of him - a little less wall-banging and screaming in her face (because you know he is well capable of doing that again) is not a bad thing.

Oh and by the way, in my state at least, daycare and health insurance payments are in ADDITION to child support.

[Ceinwen]

I think you should absolutely do whatever is best for your children, without a hesitation.

Having said that, I've posted before that I turned down alimony from my ex, and turned down a slight increase in cs from my ex - in order to better his standard of living.

Would this work for everyone? No, absolutely not. I have the means to support myself for the most part.

I do however, feel strongly that my ex (again - not stating that this is what is best for everyone) have the means and ability and time to care for our children when they are with him.

He literally would have had to pick up a second job (in addition to working f/t) and move in with his parents - if I had asked for what I was entitled to.

It was more important to me that he have safe, clean living accomodations, similar to mine, as well as time to spend with our children.

This (to me) is the best outcome, where possible.