Any help is appreciated

[goodlife2010]

hope someone here can give me some perspective.
I am a bit postpartum and I don't think I am thinking clearly.

I have agreed to let my bf have our 3 month old daughter a few days a week at his place. I did not want to do this but…he basically told me if I make him a “weekend dad” he will hate me and take me to court. However, in our state the single mother is given complete custody of the child. He knows this and has said as much . He says it is not fair that I should have our child most of the time. But we don’t live together so what does he expect?. When I say our child needs to bond with me..he says well she needs to bond with him too…He has asked me why he can’t have her live with him and I be the one to visit him.. He also tells me he will not accept not seeing her at least 50% of the time. He talked like this when I was pregnant and we were having our problems in the relationship. Most of the problems in our relationship center around the fact that I am a divorced mom of a 7yr old. My 7yr old’s dad picks his child up for visits etc.
What am I supposed to do?..this is his first child and I want to be supportive and fair but what is fair for a father when we are not married or living in the same house?

Thanks in advance for your help on this…

[sosurreal09]

are you breastfeeding? thats an excuse right there. otherwise take him to court and have the judge establish visitation rights...there isn't much you can do.

[mommariffic]

I tend to think it's a GOOD THING he wants to be so involved -- normally it's the other way around and the Dad is a little weary of taking responsibility for his child.

Is there any reason that you are hesitant? Do you not trust him?

First, I think that legal help might be a good idea to set up times, and stick with them. Think of this as a situation where you can co-parent; having help, even if it's an ex is important especially if you are postpartum. A child does need to bond with his/her father as well as the mother, and if I were you I'd work something out because it is his child too

[goodlife2010]

no, I am not breastfeeding any longer.
I think it is great he wants to be so invovled as well. He is an excellent dad. I have no complaints.
In our state the mother has legal and physical custody. So, I am actually doing him a favor as it stands.
He has said he is becoming resentful of my daughter (from my divorce) b/c she is the main reason we(me and him) do not live together now.
I halted moving in with him when I saw how he treated her. I think he needs to get used to haveing a 7yr old around and he agrees.
I just don't think him and I will last and I want our daughter to be with me the majority of the time..I suppose it sounds selfish

[nextcommercial]

I don't know if it's right or wrong. But, I couldn't do it. There's such a strong bond between mother and child, and it's natural to want them with you 24/7.

I don't have any advice, other than to say, your feelings are normal and it's what I'd expect. I think you two can work out something else.

What about daycare when you are working? Can he spend time with her when you are at work? Can he pick her up from daycare and spend part of the evening with her, then bring her home?

[KimberlyD0]

Keeping a willing father away seems like a really bad idea to me. Its not often you hear about a father who wants that.

As a father he does have the right to bond with his child just like you do. just because the courts would cut that off doesn't make it right. He's right, thats not fair.

As long as he is an attentive father who is not harming his child there is no reason to cut him out of her life. Doing so would lead to resentments from him AND from your daughter.

Avoiding the courts would be in both of your favor. The last thing your going to want is the courts having the say on what happens with your family.

No court is going to deny a father like him access to his child. You may have the rights for full custedy, but you don't have the rights to cut him out of his childs life. If they do then thats a very unjust system that I would want no part of.

[MissMaegie'sMama]

I agree with anielasmommy09 that going to court to establish visitation rights is probably your best option. If you guys can come to an agreement without the court's assistance, that's great, but your BF doesn't sound like he's willing to work with you on establishing a mutually agreed upon visitation schedule. If you had a visitation schedule established by the court, you would have recourse if BF defaults from the agreed schedule.

I personally would be concerned about leaving my infant with a man who claims that he would "hate" me if I made him a "weekend dad." Holding the specter of hatred over your head if he doesn't get his way is extremely manipulative. How do you feel about what he's said to you? What does your gut tell you? I would go from there in deciding if I wanted him to have any visitation rights whatsoever...

*As I went to preview this post, I noticed what you wrote about his resentment of your 7-y-o daughter. That's icky. I think that regardless of his abilty to parent the child he fathered with you, his immaturity toward your older daughter raises red flags that I would pay close attention to. If he resents your 7-year-old for her effect on his relationship with you, how will he feel when his daughter with you curtails his future dating/relationship efforts? Let's face it, having custody (even just PT custody) of a child makes it harder to date, and it sounds like he isn't great at modifying his expectations for a relationship when there is a child in the picture. He knew you had a child from a previous relationship when he began dating you, right?...

[goodlife2010]

Yes, he knew I had a child on our first date. Me and the BF have only been together a little over a year. There have been many issues over my ex husband though.
My BF does not even want my ex husband to come within "50 ft" of his child...~sigh~. My ex husband has never even met the BF. And BF refuses to meet him. Just pure childishness.
But yes, the BF should be able to be with his child.

[mommariffic]

If the roles were somehow reversed and my husband wanted me to see less of my daughter somehow, I'd probably hate him too -- just saying, I don't think that line can be held against him.

We live in a culture where fathers are the first to blame, and I don't GET that.

In our state the mother has legal and physical custody. So, I am actually doing him a favor as it stands.


What state? Just curious because I've never heard that. I would like to think that any court would grant a father rights, especially if he's devoted to helping raise a child that took TWO people to make.

There's a lot more to this than I feel like - if a devoted Dad wants to help raise a kid, what's the problem? If the problem is with your ex husband and difficulty adjusting to life with a 7 year old, therapy/counseling etc can help with that.

[liberal_chick]

Are you guys close enough that it is easy to get your dc from point A to point B?

My cousin and her ex have a 50/50 arrangement. Thier 18 month old goes to dad's house Sun night-Thurs and then my cousin has him from Thurs-Sun. Then they swap that schedule for the next week. That means that each occasionally has him for a week at a time, which would be too long for me, but it works great for them (they do visits with the other parent during the off week). They made that schedule by themselves.

Is there any way you can see coming up with an agreeable schedule? I think it is great that he wants to be more than a weekend dad, but I certainly understand you not wanting to be away as well.

[montlake]

I can tell you I went through this with my son's father. He said the same things, word for word. He also happened to be a horribly abusive controller. So immediately I get red flags. It wasn't about him wanting to see his child, it was about dominating me. That red flag combined with your comments about your other child would make me really hesitant to go forward with a relationship with him. For both of your sake, I would get a legal custody/visitation arrangement in place ASAP.

[Oh the Irony]

As MsMaegie'sMama touched on, there is much more going on here than a simple dad wanting to spend time with his child. He's sounds very controlling. I'm so glad you didn't move in together.

50/50 custody with a three month old is not common and I don't think in the best interest of a baby. He's right in that if you aren't nursing I don't think it matters which parent that is--but the fact is you have and you want primary custody.

He's got an empty threat--taking you to court.

I would decide on what works well for you. Are you working? I can understand his desire to not be just a weekend dad. I do think 2-3 hours a day several days of the week and then 2 days of 4-5 hour periods a week would be appropriate and give you a break to work, rest, etc. That is, if he is not verbally abusing you more.

Mommarific, she is letting him see the child more than what the state would require as standard. That's what she meant by doing him a favor.

[Lucy Alden]

Originally Posted by montlake

So immediately I get red flags.

I think there's a lot more to the story than just the BF wanting 50/50 custody. I'd talk to a lawyer BEFORE you commit to anything. I'd worry about a child's ability to bond long term. An infant needs a primary caregiver. 50/50 custody just doesn't allow for that.

[goodlife2010]

In the state of Massachusetts(were we reside) this is the state law:
When the parents are not married to each other, the mother has sole legal and physical custody unless and until a court orders otherwise. This is so even if the father has formally acknowledged parternity.

I am not saying I do not want him to be in his child's life at all. But yes, a couple of you picked up on the fact that he is a bit on the controlling side.
However, the bottom line is he is her dad and he does deserve to spend time with her. I also feel bad about doing this to her at such a young age(the back and forth between my house and his).

[MissMaegie'sMama]

Originally Posted by mommariffic

If the roles were somehow reversed and my husband wanted me to see less of my daughter somehow, I'd probably hate him too -- just saying, I don't think that line can be held against him.

We live in a culture where fathers are the first to blame, and I don't GET that.

"Hating" the custodial parent is really harsh. The OP's BF is an adult, and a more mature way for him to address his feelings might have been to say something like "I'm having a hard time dealing with you having sole custody of our daughter. It makes me feel like I'm not important in my daughter's life. Let's see if we can work this out." Hating the mother for fulfilling her LEGALLY IMPOSED role is ultimately useless. Here, it's the BF's behavior that is preventing him from being a "more than 50% of the time" dad. She hesitated to move in with him because of his attitude toward her older daughter. IMO, she made a wise decision. The OP is obviously trying to work with the BF, but her first obligation is to her daughters, especially to the well-being of her 7-year-old.

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

As MsMaegie'sMama touched on, there is much more going on here than a simple dad wanting to spend time with his child. He's sounds very controlling. I'm so glad you didn't move in together.

50/50 custody with a three month old is not common and I don't think in the best interest of a baby. He's right in that if you aren't nursing I don't think it matters which parent that is--but the fact is you have and you want primary custody.

He's got an empty threat--taking you to court.

I would decide on what works well for you. Are you working? I can understand his desire to not be just a weekend dad. I do think 2-3 hours a day several days of the week and then 2 days of 4-5 hour periods a week would be appropriate and give you a break to work, rest, etc. That is, if he is not verbally abusing you more.

Mommarific, she is letting him see the child more than what the state would require as standard. That's what she meant by doing him a favor.

Exactly, Oh the Irony. OP, I think you are a very reasonable woman.

[Avani]

Fathers tend to be "blamed" when they cause serious issues and undue stress to pregnant women and postpartum women. When they want to threaten these women with taking away the babies they are carrying within. Then the babies come and women have to deal with the intense stress of their postpartumness and new babies and threatening men. Then the men withhold child support and threaten court. All the women want is to be enjoying their baby moon. Not all fathers do this. But many of us women here have dealt with this. In fact the majority almost. It is unfortunate but true.

[*MamaJen*]

There are situations where a father truly wants to be a terrific dad to his child and wants 50-50 custody for all the right reasons.
There are, in my opinion, many more situations where the father wants 50-50 custody to get out of paying child support and/or to manipulate, abuse and control the mother.
Given the red flags you're describing, I'm guessing your situation is the latter.
Talk to a lawyer before you promise him anything.

[Gimme Pineapple]

It's posts like this that make me happy my ex ran for the hills never to be seen again.


I say go to court. IMO, an infant is way too young for the back and forth upheaval. I would say that you maintain an open door policy where he can always come visit, but since he doesn't get along with your other child, I wouldn't want him in my home. After the infancy stage, then you can renegotiate. I don't think you should try to keep the father away, but I don't think the baby needs all of that.

As far as the hate thing, if someone tried to take my child away from me you better believe I would not only hate them, I would make their life a living hell. Just telling the truth over here.

[MissLotus]

OP, your ex does not sound "devoted", he sounds controlling and threatening. This is not just about him wanting to be a good dad. Good dads don't casually say to the mother of an INFANT, "Why can't the baby just live with me?" and not fathom why that might be a problem for you.

I would not hand the baby over to him half the time, especially if in your state you would not be required to anyway. You would actually have nothing to lose IF he takes you to court ("he basically told me if I make him a “weekend dad” he will hate me and take me to court") so there's no point in doing anything you feel uncomfortable about.

I wouldn't be overly affected by the Fathers' Rights PPs who said things like, "You may have the rights for full custedy, but you don't have the rights to cut him out of his childs life." I saw nothing in your post, OP, that indicated you were trying to cut him out of the baby's life - simply that as the custodial parent, she would be spending more time with you. That's pretty much Custody 101 and a common situation. You just had a baby. It's normal and natural to want your baby with you, and it's good for your baby to have that stability.

"He also tells me he will not accept not seeing her at least 50% of the time" - Well, it looks like he just might have to.

Oh and let me guess - he thinks he'll be able to pay less child support if he has the baby at least half the time.

Do you have a lawyer?

[goodlife2010]

Thank you

Thank you all for your input. I am searching for an attorney in Massachusetts but most charge $300 per hour..that is a bit steep for me right now.
Holland73: I said I am doing him a favor b/c based on the state law I don't have to work with him amicably to come up with a schedule that works for both of us. And he threatens me with taking me to court if I try to keep him away from his daughter too much. I have no intention of doing that at all and have never even brought that subject up. Him and I are trying to work on our realtionship so that this time next year me and my daughers are moving in with him.
He pays no child support right now b/c he says he does not want the state in his business. He wants to pay for whatever the baby needs(which he does so far) directly to me. I know the minute I bring up seeing an attorney he will hit the roof...so I'm not sure how I will keep that from him.
But I do think it is best to have things in writing..so, I will have to have a sit down with him about this..