Multi-gerational living...

[Cativari]

Here soon my husband and I will be buying a place with my mom. We just lost my dad and she can't afford where she's at but our place is too small for all us.(that is the us, her, my younger sister, and their dog and cat and possibly my younger brother as well.) So we'll be consolidating into one house. The place we are currently looking at is a 7 bedroom on 3 acres in rural Missouri. It's basically two living areas with a shared kitchen so plenty of room. we'd be buying from my dad's sister rent to own because she wants to get rid of it.

How do those of you with more then one generation living in a house organize it so everything is "fair"? How do you split chores up and organize things so it all fits together and doesn't cause chaos? Anything that you would suggest to make an easier transition? I'm new to this and want to make things as easy/comfortable as possible for everyone.

Thanks

[BarefootScientist]

s I am sorry to hear about your dad.

I have no advice but I am hoping we are someday in a multigenerational situation with my parents so I am subbing.

Wishing you the best!

[cappuccinosmom]

We're temporarily living with family. Me and my three sons, three siblings (on and off) and my parents. Dh will be joining us in January for a short time until we can figure out a place to move into on our own.

All our living areas are shared, and we do suppers together. Things have gone pretty smoothly and it's mostly the practice of common courtesy. Everyone needs to pick up their own mess, do their own laundry, clean up if they use the kitchen, etc. We also all take the opportunity to do things that we see need to be done, even if it's not "our" responsibility. IE: if towels are piling up in the laundry room, I just wash them. No biggie. If I'm running around like crazy and unlikely to get supper on the table, someone else picks up that job which is normally mine. My brother usually does the evening kitchen cleanup, but if he has to go someplace or study, we'll pitch in so he can leave.

[brittneyscott]

We aren't currently in a multi generational situation but have been before when my mom, little sister and little brother lived with us. Our situation was out of necessity and not planned so was far from ideal (not enough space, etc). We did split chores although as a mostly SAHM the majority was still my responsibility. Brother is a high school student, sis was still in high school and worked pt, mom and dh worked ft. I was only working pt on weekend nights and was home with two littles the rest of the time.

I did most the cooking but everyone cleaned the kitchen together. I still did my main household cleaning but had more help for the night time sweep and didn't have to deal with one or two rooms because that was "their" space. Mom and the kids would cook on weekends with dh grilling on Sunday. Bathroom time got scheduled. DH showered/went to work early morning, mom in morning, my littles got a bath after we were up and everyone else was gone. Bro and sis in evenings and me at night. Worked out well for everyone's schedule and enough hot water lol.

It was a temporary/necessary situation for us. I think if we were to plan to do this things would have gone a little smoother but it was okay. I would like for us to have had more space for everyone. As far as chores and house needs I would say it depends on everyone's schedule. I did most of it for us but it worked out with our schedules.

[texmati]

I'm sure everyone here has heard my story-- just be very very careful and open about expectations and boundaries. I'd also strongly suggest having a trial period and a backup option before committing to living together indefinitely.

[mamadelbosque]

We moved in with my dad 3 years ago on a 'temporary' (ie "just for the summer" :roll) basis. We're still here

Anyhow, our house was built over the course of several years and its actually worked out super well... my dad has had the log cabin (which is where the kitchen is, a small living area, and the loft thats always been his room..), we have the 'addition (my and my brothers old rooms - now me'n dh's and the boys room upstairs and a nice big family room downstairs - theres also a basement which is used pretty much exclusively as storage atm), and a laundry room/bathroom that connect the two areas.

Last summer my grandpa built a cabin just a couple hundred feet from our house... my dad has now half way moved over their (though, atm, he's up helping to take care of my grandma - she has luekemia & alzheimers...).

Honestly, its been a huge blessing that we've been here for the last year or so. My dad had back surgery late last summer and was layed up pretty much all fall. And now he's been able to go and stay up w/ his parents for weeks at a time and not worry about his house/stuff/etc, since we're here.

As for how we break stuff up... we don't pay rent or utilities - we split food costs pretty much, I cook & cdo 90%+ of the cleaning, and Dh does a *lot* of the yardwork (mowing, weed wacking, hauling/splitting/stacking firewood, shoveling the drive in the winter), probably at least 70-80%, and basicly all of it the last year or so since my dads been unavailable to help...

We'll be here another year or so at least. Maybe longer, who knows. Thus far at least its worked out great - and I love that my ds1 and ds2 are getting to know their grandpa so well... not to mention grow up out in the woods like I did

[BeanyMama]

We've been co-habituating with my mom for a year, her husband died last March after a lengthy battle with cancer. It's been a good fit for everyone, although not without wrinkles. We plan to stay living together, barring something unforeseen.

As far as chores and the like, she has her own living area that the kids don't go in, and we have ours. Separate bathrooms as well; so that makes it pretty cut and dry. We share the kitchen, but don't eat meals together so we clean up after ourselves and she after herself. I do the mopping, etc since we make most of the sticky. The fridge and pantry are divided. She does laundry on weekends, I do it weekdays. We do nearly all the yard work. The house is paid off, she pays the utilities and we handle our own food, phones and car. I think plenty of separate space and time apart, and having laid it all out before making the leap, is the key for us

[Cativari]

Sounds similar to the situation we'll have if the place in Missouri happen (crossing my fingers). We'd only really be sharing the kitchen as the basement has 3 of the bedrooms and a bathroom and it's own entrance. It also has two living areas down stairs one would prolly make a good kitchen.

[PluggingAway]

My parents and my family have "lived together" for 4 years now. It has been a great experience for all of us. The decision was not made out of necessity per se. When my parents moved here, they both worked full-time but they had some health scares that made it clear that they couldn't stay in their two story home "forever". They lived about an hour away, and it was bit stressful for me to "keep an eye on them" from a health stand point or to even help my mom clean on a Saturday. We live in a small ranch (about 800 square feet) not including an unfinished basement that had a walk-out 2 car garage (24' x24' feet). One day, DH said "we should convert our garage into an apartment for your parents". I thought he was crazy, but loved him for the "gesture". We mentioned it to my parents thinking that they would never go for it, and well, here we are...living all together! Their apartment is small but very nice. I think that it has been key for us that they have separate living/kitchen space. We share the laundry facilities in the basement. We all genuinely like each other which also helps, lol.
Good Luck!

[sparklett]

Sorry... long response!

My parents live with us (DH, DS, and I). My sister might be moving in as well. We own our house with my parents and have lived here for 2.5 years. parents moved in in April. We are unemployed and will soon be moving. My parents moved in so that DH and I wouldn't have to draw against our investments to make ends meet while I look for work. They also wanted to spend some quality time with DS before we moved. My sister might be moving in becuase she can't make ends meet. Our living situation will over lap for about a month until we move out in July or August.

So far, it really could be worse! We moved out of the master bedroom so my parents could have some extra space. DS has his own room and DH and I live in our former guest room/office share a bathroom with DS.

We do all of our meals together and we give my parents money toward food, since they like to do the shopping and we could care less. We do the same with utilities.

The rule is that if something is messy and you're close by, then you clean it up. We take turns making meals- my mom tends to cook dinner 3 days a week and I do 3 days a week. If my mom makes dinner, then me and DH clean up. If I make dinner, then my dad and DH clean up (yeah, DH does a lot of cleaning!). This is pretty much an unspoken arrangement. DH and I take care of cleaning the common areas (living room, dining room, etc.) since DS makes most of the mess in there. My parents help out with gardening. They know that my room and DS's room are off limits- we take care of the cleaning in there.

Some of the things that we've had to work on: my parents felt like the TV was off limits and they couldn't watch their shows. So we let my dad take over the payments on the cable so they felt "ownership". Weird, I know, but now they feel more entitled to watching TV. DH and I usually retreat into our room at night to do homework or play board games so that we all don't feel like we're constantly on top of each other.

And I had to make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that DH and I are the parents of DS and my parents are not to discipline DS unless he was in a life-or-death situation. The first couple of weeks, DS was receiving a lot of correction from all of the adults, and my parents were sending DS mixed messages. Once we made it clear that just becuase they lived here, it didn't mean that they had to be the parents of DS, things relaxed a lot. We also had to explain that since they now live here, they can no longer shower DS with sweets and junk food. They were chagrined, but now they bring home strawberries instead of chocolate.

We also realize that it's exhausting for DS to be around my parents all the time, so we've been trying to take DS out a lot so my parents can relax.

It's going pretty okay so far. At least, it could be worse. I left home when I was 19 and never looked back, so it's TOUGH to be 33 and living with mom and dad. My mom is dealing with the fact that I'm an adult and just becuase I come down with a cold or indigestion, she doesn't need to call the doctor.

This has been an adjustment for everyone, but it's only temporary!

[Shahbazin]

Sorry to hear you lost your dad

We live in a 3 bedroom, 2 bath home, with DH & me, 2 DDs, & FIL (MIL passed away last year). We moved in w/the ILs "temporarily" almost 3 years ago - we lost our home in a wildfire, & MIL was just getting to the point where she needed more help (Alzheimers). We bought the house from FIL last fall, so are going to stay here together.

We have a mix of shared & private spaces; there's a large LR/fam room with a TV & the computers, plus plenty of play room for the kids, FIL has a bedroom & 1 bath, DH & I have the master bedroom & attached bath, & our 2 DDs have a bedroom together, & share our bathroom. Grocery shopping is pooled (we do some & FIL does some), & I do the cooking & laundry, DH helps with the cleaning. FIL will help watch the kids & keep them entertained, but he's in his 80s & not real lively physically.

I do wash clothes separately so they're easier to sort; perhaps with more able bodied household members, there could be a weekly family meeting, & designated days for laundry & cooking, plus rotating clean up? Breakfast here is growns ups for themselves, but I fix lunches, & dinner is usually sit down together. We do clean in FIL's room & bathroom, but otherwise those spaces are his very own, except that guests use his bathroom, since it's the one in the hall. The TV in the main part of the house is his, with the understanding that he only watches child inappropriate stuff (scary/violent) after kids' bedtime. We have a set in our bedroom, that can be used to watch videos. FIL's real good about not interfering in our child rearing, & supporting our rules, & we all get along well together.

[FireWithin]

My mom is moving in with us in 6 weeks. she is moving from NJ to where we are. Our goal is to live together for one year. We are doing it mostly for financial reasons. she is going to help us save money to buy a house. I am due with our third baby in October. I know my mom is really looking forward to being more involved with the baby time. She wasn't at all with the other two. I am looking forward to helping her with her health and helping her resettle in a new state.

This thread has been great for me.

[MommaRNCCRN]

We are a multi-generational living family. I wouldn't do it if I were you. When DH and I got married in 1999, I moved in with him and his mom, who is now almost 87 yrs old. It is NOT easy living with your mother-in-law let me tell you! I used to think she was the nicest little old lady I ever met but after living with her the last 11yrs, she is SO not nice anymore.MIL had owned this house since she and her late husband purchased it back in 1953.

She signed the house over to DH and I back in 2002. We agreed to pay her a payment of so much a month for 10 yrs so it wouldn't appear that she was just giving us the house in case she needed to go into a nursing home within 5 yrs of her signing over the house to us. Medicare could make us pay them a mortgage for the full value of the house if she would've needed nursing home care. She's in great health though. Only takes vitamins daily.

Anyway, when I first moved in MIL did the majority of the cooking and laundry. Now that she is more frail, I've taken over the laundry and DH and I split the cooking.I pay the utilities. DH pays the car/house insurance. MIL buys the majority of the groceries. Really though, MIL does very little around the house. To hear her tell it, it's like she does it ALL and I do nothing. Never mind the fact that I work a 40hr per week job.

If I had to do it all over again, I'd live in a box before I'd move in with my mother in law. If DH had refused for us to get our own place before we were married, I would've called off our engagement. He promised that we'd only stay with MIL for two years while saving for a down payment on our own home. That never happened.Silly me STILL agreed to stay here but we did do some renovations to the house. Now we have a 6 yr old son.

MIL and I have issues. I keep telling myself..she's 87 yrs old, she's 87 yrs old, she's 87 yrs old.......even her own daughter can barely stand to be around her mother...same with my brother-in-law. They both feel sorry for me that I have to deal with their mother. Hubby is a momma's boy through and through. Shoulda just been a bachelor.

OP, I'm sorry about your dad. I hope things work out for the best with your new living arrangements.