Buying a car by myself. :) --- UPDATE: grrr...sneaky emotional sucker-punch.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Ok, so I'm not a damsel in distress or anything. I'm a highly educated professional woman raised in a family of strong women. I just don't generally give a crap about cars. So in the past I've let other people make those decisions for me. I also tend to keep them for as long as possible.

Car #1: my parents' old car - killed by a kamikaze deer on the interstate
Car #2: told my car salesman brother that I needed something cheap that would get me through 3 years of grad school. (3 years to the day almost and then it started falling apart--but it had 120K miles on it when I got it!)
Car #3: STBX picked it out with my brother--it was his car for a while, but then became mine and it's falling to pieces now.

And now, I'm picking out what I want. And I can afford something only a few years old. It's tight, but I can do it. I was hoping to wait a few more months and save up a bit, but I can manage this.

I've never bought a car by myself! I'm *semi* cheating because the car salesman is a friend of STBX...but he's only showing me the cars I told him to show me. And I'm avoiding the whole negotiation thing because this is a no-negotiation place. I've been doing my research for a while, so doing this quickly isn't jumping in cold. I know what I want and how I want this to go.

I'm so excited! My car was a good car, but it's 9 years old (we've had it for 8 of those years), and I have to park on cardboard to avoid destroying my garage floor. I need something stable and it's started threatening to stall out while running errands around town. NOT something I want to deal with when I'm solo with a small child and no one to call! (FWIW, I could probably get it fixed, but trade-in value is about $600, so I'm not very inclined to put any more money into this car after all the work I've had done in the past year! Someone is going to have a nice little cheap car when the dealership fixes what needs fixing.)

I'm kind of glad this happened while STBX was out of state for a few weeks. Otherwise I might have let him help me even though I reeeeeally didn't want him involved in this purchase.

I know, this is silly. But it's a big deal "big girl" thing for me!! One more step in creating the life *I* want based on *my* decisions and ability to meet my obligations.

[Chantelle691]

Congrats! Just another step on your strong, independent woman journey.

[Bad Mama Jama]

Good for you! I remember the feeling that buying my car of my choice created. I am so excited for you. FYI: I bought that car in 2003 and it still loves me today.

[Halfasianmomma]

Yay for you! I'm so jealous I want my own car too someday...

[mum4boys]

very cool. What do you have in mind to get?

[simplemama32]

Yay for you! That is SO awesome. ;-)

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by mum4boys

very cool. What do you have in mind to get?

It's between a 2007 Vibe and a 2008 Kia Rondo. I'd never heard of the Rondo before, but I'm kind of leaning towards that one. Very soccer mom, but who cares. And it's newer and fewer miles and a fair chunk cheaper.

Money is all set up. Salesguy's wife is going to watch DS while I go visit the cars tomorrow night with him (they're very good friends of STBX and not strangers to DS). Hopefully by Wednesday night I won't have to park on cardboard any more!!!

I'm very carefully not choking at the payments. I'm such a wuss about car payments, but I have a plan. And the plan involves paying it off in 2 years.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Hmmm...not as fun as it should have been. It actually left me a little raw emotionally. The salesman is a good friend of STBX. His shiny new best buddy from when he was selling cars, and the only one to stick around. He tip-toed around the issue a bit, but finally asked if we're actually getting divorced or not because STBX won't say a word. We had an interesting conversation. This guy is pretty realistic about the pros and cons of STBX as a friend. And he pretty much told me I made the right decision and will be better off in the long run. I never know how people see him, but have to assume that if they stick around longer than a few months they figure out how things work and then decide if it's worth it or not.

I very rarely talk to people that really get it from personal experience. He just moves from shiny new friend to shiny new friend - every job/interest has a new BFF, so there aren't usually people with the experience over time.

I'm really trying to do this car thing by myself. I'll ask advice, but it's my thing. STBX was asking me to call him and leave a message with how car shopping went. He was a little taken aback when I told him that this was "my thing". That was all I said, but I think he got it. I have no desire to pretend to be married even though we live apart or best friends. He isn't entitled to the little details or updates about anything except as it pertains to DS. We have DS, so we maintain a relationship carefully and consciously. If I had waited until after the divorce to get the car, I wasn't planning on saying anything. I figured that now while our finances are still entangled, I better disclose something like a car.

Car shopping was more emotional than I had figured. Probably because I was stressed dealing with DS the Whiniest Boy In The World and big money decisions at the same time and then ended with a discussion about my divorce. But still -- it left me a little more raw than you'd figure for car shopping. Maybe because he sympathized? (He was miserable for 8 yrs of a 16 yr marriage, but is happily married now.) I never could take sympathy. Maybe it just reminds me that there are still so many boundaries that are going to take time to get set up. That might be it since the thought made my stomach flip-flop and the tears start. It would be a lot easier in some ways if I could just be a bitch and cut him out of my life except for visitation. But it's avoidable most days and I just think that if I can keep it up until we've naturally drift into more and more separate lives, it's better for DS in the long run. In a way, it's sticking my toe back into the emotional pit that left me depressed enough that I couldn't function. Like I'll never really be free.

...or maybe it's that hormone swing from having my IUD taken out. :P

Freaking out the kiddo. Time to think about something else now.

[lilyka]

I bought two things. A glorious red leather couch (that I am sitting my vegan behind on right this very minute) that my husband would have absolutely hated. He never cared what my tastes were and if I gave him my opinion about anything I was being controling and manipulative so I just gave up at some point and figured anything better than what we had was good. pretty, tasteful, matching whatever didn't matter. I had to get rid of most my furniture but I swear even if I had to live in a cardbopard box I would find one big enough to fit this couch in. I bought it shortly after we seperated. There were lots of reason but mostly I wanted to get rid of the couch he slept on the last few weeks of our marriage.

Then I bought my car. Holy crap. that was the biggest hugest decision I have ever made and it was almost an impulse buy (as much as buying a car because yours went down in a literal blaxe of glory can be an impulse move). I didn't research it or anything. i drove it. loved it. the price was right and the financing was great. I was looking for a used car and bought brand new. my xh used to buy nice cars and give me the junker to drive the girls around in. I always got the cast offs and his used up hand me downs of things while he got new shiney toys. This was the first nice thing I had ever bought (besides the couch) and the first car where someone listened to my needs and wants and helped me pick one out for me (the sales guy was so sweet. no pressure and even took the color of my dog into account when helping me pick one out ) It was a no negotiation place which I like. It is warrentied till the end of time, 24/7 road side assistance, runs great, fits all my needs. My xh makes comments about it all the time (I did crunch the numbers and for me, when I bought the car an maintence free new car with 1% financing and cash back applied to the down payment did not cost any more per month than a used $2000 car which would have been a pile of crap) and yes, I can put a price on stress and wasted time. It is worth every penny even if my xh thinks it is far more than I deserve (maybe it is more than I deserve but my kids deserve air bags and seat belts and road side assistance and car that won't break down, tires that grip and breaks that work and mama who is not constantly working extra to pay for car repairs or figure out how everything is going to work out, spending all our free time at the shop)

someone backed into me Sunday. my first thought was not about insurance or money or who did it. My first thought was "this is the first nice thing I have ever owned and now its mushed" It will be good as new but that car means more than just transportation to me. It was part of breaking away from dhs influence and growing up and being free of his control and my opiniopns counting and me being able to do what makes me happy. I felt like I could anything after I took care of this. And I not only bought and picked out a car, it is a good car. it has a maintence plan. My youngest child will be driving it before that maintenence plan runs out. I will keep this car forever. never trade it in. it is so much more than a car. it is my "all grown up" merit badge!

[PoppyMama]

Sweet post, Lilyka.

RRM, I hope you get to enjoy your new car when all the stress dies down.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by PoppyMama

Sweet post, Lilyka.

RRM, I hope you get to enjoy your new car when all the stress dies down.

Ditto Lilyka!

I intend to enjoy it. It's one of the reasons I'm allowing my budget to stretch. The extra $1000 is worth it. I could have compromised. But I would have regretted it. I'm not getting a luxury car by any means, but it's only a year old and has piles of cargo space. I knew when the salesman showed me what I could have that I didn't want them. For once, I was getting the car I want.

I just threw in one of those sucker-punches of frustration later. Poor little DS wasn't sure what to do about that and just kept giving me kisses. I think it really bothered him, because he just woke up a little bit ago really upset and wanting his dad. He was being kind of a little sh!t earlier in the evening, so I think he got it mixed up that I was sad because he was being naughty. Fun fun fun.

Oh well...slowly but surely. STBX isn't always great at boundaries. He's all in or all out. So we're still working out the details of how things will work. Every now and then I have to define the boundary in no uncertain terms and it hurts his feelings a bit, then I feel mean, etc etc. Amicable divorce is a Good Thing, but it sure takes a lot of work sometimes.

And just some of the things that came up today sort of made it feel like my chain is longer, but I'm still stuck forever. I don't usually feel like that. I'm working hard at creating my life how I want it to be. I've got a lot of big decisions going on right now. So things are a bit more on edge than usual I suppose.

[lilyka]

(((hugs)))) Its funny the things that make me feel as though my xh is still in control (and with some things he is). Breaking free has been a journey I have made one step at a time. The car really helped though. But everything that I don't call him for (and there have been lots of things where I have wanted to call him and ask him for help because I just didn't know who else to ask) is one more way I am not bound to him. Every favor I do not except is one less payback I owe him.

And don't feel bad about setting boundries. It will get easier with time.

And enjoy your car. You deserve it. Every time you drive it think about how independant and grown up you are. We spend a lot of time in our cars. They are expensive and time consuming to maintain but neccesary. They should be things that meet our needs and don't cause us uneccesary grief. Mine is not fancy by any means (it is a Mazda 3). As a matter of fact my kids were supper imrpressed by the fancy windows.; They had never seen anything so cool in their lives. They have this handle that you have to roll them down with crazy cool huh

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by lilyka

(((hugs)))) Its funny the things that make me feel as though my xh is still in control (and with some things he is). Breaking free has been a journey I have made one step at a time. The car really helped though. But everything that I don't call him for (and there have been lots of things where I have wanted to call him and ask him for help because I just didn't know who else to ask) is one more way I am not bound to him. Every favor I do not except is one less payback I owe him.

And don't feel bad about setting boundries. It will get easier with time.

And enjoy your car. You deserve it. Every time you drive it think about how independant and grown up you are. We spend a lot of time in our cars. They are expensive and time consuming to maintain but neccesary. They should be things that meet our needs and don't cause us uneccesary grief. Mine is not fancy by any means (it is a Mazda 3). As a matter of fact my kids were supper imrpressed by the fancy windows.; They had never seen anything so cool in their lives. They have this handle that you have to roll them down with crazy cool huh

Yup. You get it. Mazda 3s are pretty! I'm getting a much cheaper version of a Mazda 5. I reeeeeeally wanted something bigger this time.

[lah7]

FWIW, I have a 2008 Rondo. I've had it for almost exactly a year and I really love it. I've got three kids (4, 6 and 8) and it holds them perfectly, the warranty was great, and so far, no problems at all!

[lilyka]

it is pretty it looks like a sports car even though it is base model sub compact.

My xh always wanted something outdoorsy and roomy. Jeep, subaru, always s atation wagon or SUV type....so it was kinda important to me to get something different than that. SOmething he would not drive. childish much? yeah but I don't care. There were other reasons I wanted this car (gas milage, upkeep costs, it is freakishly roomy for a subcompact. I can't believe all the things I have been able to haul around in it! and it was cheap. I caught right at the tail end of the 2009 so they were clearing them out. the 2010 were literally released like 2 weeks later.)

but......while I was waiting to pick it up after buying it I was sitting in the M5 in the show room and O!M!G! I fell in love with that thing. If I ever part or semi part with this car I am so getting an M% like the one in the show room....leather interior, sun roof and all the things that just make it cool....loved it!! And yeah, if yours is only a year old that more or less what I was looking at. Enjoy it!!!! What a fun and practical choice. I love my mazda. It is so fun to drive.

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by lah7

FWIW, I have a 2008 Rondo. I've had it for almost exactly a year and I really love it. I've got three kids (4, 6 and 8) and it holds them perfectly, the warranty was great, and so far, no problems at all!

Yay! Love to hear that! The 2008 was sold when I got there the next day, but they've got a 2009 that is getting ready to go out on the floor. It stretches the budget another bit, but I looked at the other options, and I'd have regretted it. And since I drive cars until they're dead, it's worth the extra $1000 to get what I really want!