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"I'll get a court order" - Page 2

post #21 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
What the OP is doing is pretty common for adult survivors of child abuse. At certain points when working through abuse, I've found it difficult to speak to my parents and needed DH to do it for me. It's a protection instinct, rather than a denial of ownership.
I agree, but that is a temporary measure. It will *never stop* until the person really does actively work through their abuse and can take the power back. Allowing someone else to act as a sheild is a good temporary measure, but it still keeps the power differential in the abusive parents' court. I sure wish I had learned that earlier than I did. :/
post #22 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
They probably won't believe me. They think that he has some "hold" over me and is abusive and that I'm brainwashed.
From my experience, even when you say it, they will still feel he's abusive. I grew up in an abusive house, and my mother has asked many, many times about DH being abusive. He's so gentle, it's hilarious that she even asks. At the same time, abuse has been such an integral part of her life that she can't see through any other lens. FWIW, I've avoided my mom when I couldn't stand up to her and didn't want DH to. We live far away, and mother hasn't been to my house in 6 years. It's easier when you're far away, so you may find it difficult.

I do believe on the issue of grandparents' rights, however, that she won't get very far. Grandparents have limited rights in some states, but that doesn't mean she'll be granted some extensive visitation schedule. If my mother threatened a court order, however, I would cut off contact. I wouldn't want to give her any reason to nitpick at my parenting to push forward.
post #23 of 79
Thread Starter 
On working through it...It wasn't until YEARS after the abuse that I figured out exactly what it was. Even then i didn't deal with it...that's a really recent thing. Like, in the past year.

The abuse took place in high school after my mom got remarried. I was also with a guy that was verbally/emotionally/sexually abusive at the time. My parents loved him and wouldn't let me date anyone else...I actually got yelled at for breaking up with him.
post #24 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by Tigerchild View Post
I agree, but that is a temporary measure. It will *never stop* until the person really does actively work through their abuse and can take the power back. Allowing someone else to act as a sheild is a good temporary measure, but it still keeps the power differential in the abusive parents' court. I sure wish I had learned that earlier than I did. :/
Oh, yes, I completely agree, but it sounds like the OP isn't there yet. It took me a really long time to get to the place of being able to stand up to my mother. It's easy for people to say "tell her yourself," but speaking from the experience of abuse, it's incredibly difficult. In many ways, I've always thought it would've been easier for me if I'd been able to cut off contact completely at age 18 and then be done with everyone.
post #25 of 79
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by VisionaryMom View Post
Oh, yes, I completely agree, but it sounds like the OP isn't there yet. It took me a really long time to get to the place of being able to stand up to my mother. It's easy for people to say "tell her yourself," but speaking from the experience of abuse, it's incredibly difficult. In many ways, I've always thought it would've been easier for me if I'd been able to cut off contact completely at age 18 and then be done with everyone.
My parents wanted nothing to do with me right after I got married (nearly 4 years ago) and it was actually kind of nice after the initial pain of "my parents don't love me." When I got pregnant with DS suddenly there they were, like nothing happened. They still dont' think that how they treated me was wrong.
post #26 of 79
If you cannot tell your parents no and stand up to them why are you still talking to them at all. get caller ID and be done with it.
post #27 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by lilyka View Post
If you cannot tell your parents no and stand up to them why are you still talking to them at all. get caller ID and be done with it.
Totally agree! Caller ID is a wonderful thing. I also dont answer calls from people I dont know. I let it go to the machine. If its important they leave a message
post #28 of 79
My MIL is abusive and my DH is also at the stage of working through things right now. He is basically having the same issues you are AFWife, and his mom has mentioned grandparents' rights too.

I would say you need to get caller ID and not answer her calls. Email her so you're in control of what you say, but not cutting her off completely and enraging her. Be very careful how you phrase things over email. If you need to, you might even have your DH hit the "send" button after you write about how YOU have decided such-and-such.

Many hugs.
post #29 of 79
My parents live in Arkansas and have custody of their grandchild, my niece. Well, they actually split custody with her mom because my brother ( the father) is not stable enough to be/have what she needs (and my parents didnt want to never see their grandbaby again..) It is extremely rare to get any kind of protected grandparent rights, and it is a long and expensive process. Unless your parents are wealthy, and have an excellent reason... they won't get very far.

I would suggest a maybe gentler approach to get your point across to them by saying " Dh and I agreed that in order for you to visit both he and I had to agree on the terms. I will talk things over with Dh and one of us will get back to you."
A lot of couples make decisions on a joint basis and no one would come to our house for a stay unless we talked it over and agreed.
post #30 of 79
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79 View Post
I would suggest a maybe gentler approach to get your point across to them by saying " Dh and I agreed that in order for you to visit both he and I had to agree on the terms. I will talk things over with Dh and one of us will get back to you."
A lot of couples make decisions on a joint basis and no one would come to our house for a stay unless we talked it over and agreed.
We've basically said this before and been told that DH has no right to make decisions.

You can't reason with them. Seriously.
post #31 of 79
Pretty sure that law was intended for families where there was a divorce and one parent was awarded full custody and is keeping the child entirely away from their other grandparents without cause.

Quote:
the grandparent must prove that denial would "significantly impair the child's physical health or emotional well-being."
to me indicates that there needs to have been a previous positive relationship between the children and the grandparents.
post #32 of 79
And, fwiw, your conversation sure looks like you standing up to your mom to me. I think you might be stronger than you realize.
post #33 of 79
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
And, fwiw, your conversation sure looks like you standing up to your mom to me. I think you might be stronger than you realize.
Thank you. I'm trying. I stood up to my brother tonight FTR...DH was sitting there rubbing my shoulder saying, "You're doing great. You're standing up for yourself." I've stood up to my parents a few times in the past...and they blew me off. I told them about the abuse I suffered at the hands of my boyfriend and they ignored me. In fact, when I bring up their abusive behavior they do that "minimizing" thing and tell me that it wasn't a big deal OR that it never happened and it makes me feel crazy.
post #34 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
We've basically said this before and been told that DH has no right to make decisions.

You can't reason with them. Seriously.
You are not obligated to reason with them, or to explain or defend your decisions. Tell them what YOU have decided (as an individual, or as a couple), and let them accept it or move on.

So they say your dh has no right to make decisions. So what? "That is what we've decided. I'm not going to discuss it further. Is there anything else you'd like to talk about? [they bash dh again] If there is nothing else, I'm going to hang up now. Good bye."
post #35 of 79
I highly recommend the book "Toxic Parents."

Don't put anything in writing.

One of my phrases for my parents is "I can see how you would feel that way, none the less, this is what we've decided to do." And then I keep repeating the phrase no matter what they say. It's a great phrase because it's really hard to argue with.

Good luck and HUGS!
post #36 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
No, not yet. I keep saying I'm going to but it never works out. AND I'm a SAHM to my DS and DH works full time (military) and it would be nearly impossible for him to miss work every week to watch DS while I do therapy.

Yeah, I've made it clear in the past that we're on the same page and they just pull the "brainwashed" card and ignore me.
You should still call military one source. They'll work with you to find a therapist who will be okay with your child coming to appointments assuming your child can be quiet and well behaved. I went through them for some therapy and brought my daughter along no problems. You'll get something like 11 sessions FREE and possibly more if absolutely necessary.

On top of that, your parents definitely sound toxic. My husband's mother is extremely toxic as well and so he has finally learned to control the relationship. He doesn't answer the phone if he sees it is her if he doesn't want to talk, he doesn't respond to emails if he doesn't want to, and he doesn't talk about things he doesn't feel is okay for the two of them to discuss. Usually HE makes the phone calls or HE makes the plans to visit HER so that he can control the conversation/length around his own desires. They still aren't perfect, but he has a more relaxed relationship now that he feels more comfortable only contacting her when HE wants to and on his OWN time. Sometimes this means they don't talk for weeks/months at a time... sometimes they email back and forth many times in a week. He has the control now though and although he still doesn't particularly like her and always gets pretty emotionally upset before and after visits, it is much better than it used to be.

She also thinks I'm abusive too fyi. I am apparently controlling and just using him for his oh so much money he makes in the military and will leave him soon with everything he has She blames ME for his being much more distant. She also blames me for his joining the military (actually, he joined to get away from her. true story.) I just bite my tongue when she is within earshot... unless she is about to do something she absolutely CAN'T to my baby... then I tell her to knock it off.
post #37 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
No, not yet. I keep saying I'm going to but it never works out. AND I'm a SAHM to my DS and DH works full time (military) and it would be nearly impossible for him to miss work every week to watch DS while I do therapy.

Yeah, I've made it clear in the past that we're on the same page and they just pull the "brainwashed" card and ignore me.
Military One Source like PP said, I think they may even pay for childcare for the time you need to go to the therapy.
AND I think that you can get free childcare on base through the CPC if you are going for Dr. appointments.

USE those perks Mama, your DH works hard for them!
post #38 of 79
post #39 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
We've basically said this before and been told that DH has no right to make decisions.

You can't reason with them. Seriously.
Then treat them like they can't be reasoned with!

Part of their control over you is that they can suck you into arguments. They then make you doubt yourself. Remember that it takes two to argue. State what you have to say, but don't respond to their verbal baiting. If you're not in a position to do that (and if you've just now begun to realize the extent of the abuse, you may not be), then I second the idea to get caller ID and screen your calls.
post #40 of 79
Quote:
Originally Posted by AFWife View Post
They probably won't believe me. They think that he has some "hold" over me and is abusive and that I'm brainwashed.
After them, your brain NEEDED washing.
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