Are these normal pregnancy hormone related feelings?

[kblackstone444]

Please don't quote me in your responses- I plan on deleting this post in time, to avoid hurting innocent people's feelings.

I'm 7 weeks pregnant with my boyfriend's baby. I met my boyfriend and was just friends 6 months ago, we began dating 2 months ago. (Important to note- my husband left me last year, and no, I'm not over him, although I'm very aware that there's no going back.)

Anyways, is this normal- I want nothing to do with my boyfriend. Absolutely NOTHING. I want him to disappear, for now or forever, I don't know, but I don't want him around right now, that's for sure. Everything he does, annoys the hell out of me. He chews very loud- SMACK, SMACK, SMACK- you can hear it from across the room, with his mouth open, food falling out, etc. He walks on his heels, very loud- THUD, THUD, THUD- I can actually feel the couch vibrating from his footsteps when I'm sitting on it. He NEVER stops talking- JABBER, JABBER, JABBER- all day long. About the same things. Over and over and over again. Enough so I just want to cover my ears and yell at him to shut up. (I'm normally a very polite person, not usually mean at all.) He talks about when we have the money, living together, buying a house together, having many more children together, and the thought of any of that, just makes me want to vomit. It's been very hot out, so he's been walking (strutting) around shirtless the last couple days, and I just don't want to see it. Sex, kissing, snuggling, I want nothing to do with. I'll humor him enough so I don't think he's caught on to what's going on yet, I've pretended to be too exhausted or feeling sick to avoid sex for the last week, but that's wearing thin- I care about him, but more like a good friend, I'm not in love with him, and apparently, I'm feeling sexually repulsed by him right now. He's a good guy- he's been doing most the cleaning of MY house and most of the walking of MY dogs, and buying me and my son groceries with HIS money, but I just don't want him around anymore. I DO want him involved in our baby's life and my son really likes him, so I'm kinda stuck, but I really don't want anything to do with him anymore. He's coming over again this weekend and I'm already dreading it. Is this normal for messed up pregnancy hormones and emotions or do I have a more serious issue going on here?

[finnegansmom]

Did you feel like this before you got pregnant or are these new feelings since becoming pregnant?

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by finnegansmom

Did you feel like this before you got pregnant or are these new feelings since becoming pregnant?

I liked him okay before, but never in love, never wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. This started a week ago, since I found out I was pregnant.

[hollytheteacher]

I'm sorry but i wouldn't call those "normal pregnancy feelings" at all I think maybe you are realizing this isn't the person for you? Especially if you still have feelings for your ex.

In both of my experiences of pregnancy I have felt MORE in love with and wanting MORE time with Dh (being close to him as much as possible). Not saying the whole thing is perfect and rosy and i never get annoyed with him (because of course i do and he gets annoyed with me too) but most of the time we are more in love than ever.

I don't think your feelings are "normal" but i'm not saying they are wrong either.

[finnegansmom]

Those feelings seem normal for someone who is with someone they don't love or are in love with. Sounds like you two "need to talk".

[MyFullHouse]

Honestly, it sounds like how I felt when I was pregnant with my first. I stuck it out through not only my entire pregnancy, but another whole year after that. More than 12 years later, I wish I had that time back. Not that I would have cut him out of our child's life, but I'd have loved to have my own life back.

It's also *exactly* what happened to my sister. Short term relationship, unexpected pregnancy, sudden loathing. She ended it before the baby was born, and he's drifted away for the most part.

I still do think it's important for children to have "intact" families. But I think it's even more important for them to have parents who are happy and whole, in and of themselves.

I absolutely recommend talking and maybe giving it some time. Then follow your gut.

[Snugglebugmom]

It's pretty much how I feel about my husband. *shrugs* I realize it's not normal to feel that way about the man you've been married to for near on six years and have two children with. I too was never really "in love" with my husband, although I used to care for him a great deal. A lot of things have gone wrong for us in the past few years, and I think my (lack of) feelings are caused largely by resentment and lack of respect as a result of those things. Also, there has never been even a shred of physical attraction there, which tends to complicate matters further.
In your case, I don't think it's pregnancy related. In all honesty, I get a bit of a Post Traumatic Stress Disorder feeling from it. Not literally the disorder, but I think it might have to do with the fact that you have had so much to deal with in the last little while and this sense of resentment and hostility is the way in which your stress manifests itself. Does that make sense?
Either way, I feel for you, I will keep you in my thoughts and I hope that it will be temporary and will get easier for you soon!

[MissMorgan]

I'm going to say not normal pregnancy feelings, just how you really feel about him and the situation.

[lilmiss'mama]

I wasn't in love with my girls' father either & it became even more apparent after I got pregnant. I did not want him touching me! I realized down the road why this was...he wasn't a great guy.
I'd say your true feelings are coming out but more intensely b/c now you realize you can't just break it off.

[RedOakMomma]

It sounds a little bit like I felt with my first pregnancy, with dh who was a long-term boyfriend at the time. I didn't know I was pregnant at first, but we were traveling around the world and I wasn't feeling well (early 1st trimester), and EVERYTHING he did annoyed me. It doesn't sound like it's as extreme as you are feeling, but what you wrote definitely brought back some memories.

I think a big part of is was that the pregnancy was unexpected. Subconciously, for a couple of weeks, I think I knew I was pregnant (my period was really late). I was also tired, feeling kind of sick, and just really craptastically annoyed. The combination of the two left me feeling totally off center, and anxious, and unhappy about the possibility/question of being pregnant. I didn't want to have a baby at that time, and I wasn't even 100% sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. I loved him, but we'd just been in a long-distance relationship for two years and I didn't feel as close to him as I'd need to feel in order to rush into a marriage.

The pregnancy ended up bringing us closer together, since it quickly became a very stressful experience for us both. We've found, over the past decade, that we get a lot closer in challenging times. We've gone on to have a wonderful, close, fulfilling marriage that I'm so thankful for. But yeah...in those first few weeks, it was not good.

If you don't love this guy, don't want to spend your life with him, then maybe it's best to work through that now. But yes, with the hormone surges of the early/mid first trimester, you might want to wait for the shock of this pregnancy to settle down. It's possible your anxiety about being pregnant, and having these be your life decisions right now, are making you tense and snappish toward someone who is non-threatening. If that's the case, then hasty action to end it all or to confront these feelings with him would not be good.

Part of the reason I think I turned on dh (again, boyfriend at the time) is because he was a safe place to vent all my anger and frustration at finding out I was pregnant. I was so desperately, inwardly unhappy about it all, and didn't know how to handle it.

[MaerynPearl]

I say wait for the second tri before making a decision and speaking about it, just because in the first tri I know how snappy I got and would rather says just get out of my life! than hey, lets give it some time... Theres so many changes going on in your body those first couple months, its totally normal to get irritable.

While I agree that you probably really dont want to be with him, I feel if you try to tell him that now you may snap on him and tell him you dont want him in the babies life even if thats not really how you feel.

[kblackstone444]

Those feelings seem normal for someone who is with someone they don't love or are in love with.

Ilove him very much as a friend. I am not in love with him. I just got an email from him, going on and on about how in love his is with me and how lucky he is to have me. This should make me happy- this makes me want to go move to Pluto or something. :-(

I absolutely recommend talking and maybe giving it some time. Then follow your gut.

My gut says, "Oh, please, God, please don't make me spend the rest of my life with him!!!"

It's pretty much how I feel about my husband. *shrugs* I realize it's not normal to feel that way about the man you've been married to for near on six years and have two children with. I too was never really "in love" with my husband, although I used to care for him a great deal. A lot of things have gone wrong for us in the past few years, and I think my (lack of) feelings are caused largely by resentment and lack of respect as a result of those things. Also, there has never been even a shred of physical attraction there, which tends to complicate matters further.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to end up like that!

I'd say your true feelings are coming out but more intensely b/c now you realize you can't just break it off.

You may be right. If so, I'm in trouble. :-(

Part of the reason I think I turned on dh (again, boyfriend at the time) is because he was a safe place to vent all my anger and frustration at finding out I was pregnant. I was so desperately, inwardly unhappy about it all, and didn't know how to handle it.

The pregnancy is not the problem- unplanned, but I've wanted another baby forever. He has, too. I don't even mind having a baby with him, I just don't want to be stuck with him forever!

I say wait for the second tri before making a decision and speaking about it, just because in the first tri I know how snappy I got and would rather says just get out of my life!

Yeah.

[RedOakMomma]

If all of that is the case, and you feel 100% sure of it, then I would not wait until the second trimester. There is no sense in stringing him along in what is probably a very emotionally invested time for him (anticipating your baby, your future life together, etc.). I think he could feel very, very betrayed if he gets through half a pregnancy with you and only THEN finds out that you've changed your mind or have been keeping these important feelings from him. You probably don't want to start out a co-parenting relationship with betrayal and anger.

I would have the talk with him sooner than later, and try. your. hardest. to keep civil, keep kind, and preserve every scrap of happiness and decency in your relationship/friendship with him while making it clear that you want this to go in a different way than he does.

Best of luck to you.

[is it puppies?]

I have to say that I have definitely felt some extreme annoyances brought on by DH and this pregnancy was planned and we've been together for 10 years in one way or another! I have even hated my dog who was like my baby! SO ANNOYING! I have tried not to act on anything I find annoying in DH because I've noticed I tend to forget and it seems unimportant later on... there seem to be a lot of things in general that really grate on me that never did before PG.

I also have a friend in a similar situation as you- they got pregnant after dating for not too long- like 2 months max (but they had been friends many years before they got together and started dating- but then lost contact for years). They recently had their baby and while it was a tumultuous year overall it's gone from the mom hating his guts and wanting nothing to do with dad to the dad moving in and they seem to be a great couple and things are probably going to work out long term- after her initial freak out.

[HaikuMommy]

Regarding my ex-husband: I knew when we'd been dating six weeks that he wasn't someone I wanted to be with forever. Right when I went to break it off, he told me he loved me and was so happy to have finally found love. So I decided to put off the inevitable breakup and ease my way out over time. Fast-forward a bit, and by the time we had known each other 6 mos., I found out I was pregnant. I still knew he wasn't "the one" for me, but now I felt guilty for bringing a child into this. So I decided we would become a family, so the baby would have a mom and dad together, which I'd never had. We got married with me secretly thinking, "Even if we divorce later, at least our child will have had an intact home for a while." Not the best way to enter into marriage, I know! I did marry him with the intention of "biting the bullet" and staying married permanently... I just wasn't 100% sure I'd be able to stick it out for a lifetime.

Over time, he began to bother me more and more... the way he walked, the way he ate, etc. Kissing him was like putting a slug in my mouth. He picked up on this struggle inside me and began pursuing me sexually all the time - like hourly! Even when we had sex twice a day he wanted more, and higher intensity. I began to feel really traumatized by it. When I ended it after 2 years of marriage, he was heartbroken and very angry. I felt terrible because he really wasn't a bad person, it was a bad match. Divorce was hell. We've barely been able to be civil ever since.

To this day, I don't know if I did the right thing marrying him. Sometimes I am glad my daughter at least had her parents together for the first 2.5 years of her life, and has photos of us all together, etc. Other times I think I should have trusted my feelings MUCH earlier and just been carefully, gently, kind but truthful. This is a hard place to be. I feel for you... good luck.

[Snugglebugmom]

Originally Posted by kblackstone444

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I don't want to end up like that!

Who does?! I keep hoping things will get better, that at some point in time I will be able to get health care here and be able to see a therapist. I neglected to mention I suffer from depression and am in the middle of a rather severe relapse, and I do believe that colors my perception significantly.
My DH is not a bad person. He is lazy and unmotivated, but he genuinely loves me and his children. He has made some poor decisions in the past which have led to a lot of problems and I seem to have a hard time letting go of the resentment. I think a good therapist would probably be able to help me a great deal, but unfortunately that is just not an option right now.

[RedOakMomma]

s, Iris. Therapy rocks. It's not easy, but the rewards can be amazing. I hope you get there soon.

[kblackstone444]

Over time, he began to bother me more and more... the way he walked, the way he ate, etc. Kissing him was like putting a slug in my mouth.

That's exactly how I feel! And I think he's picking up on it on some level, because he's been... talking like he's overly confident... in what he perceives is how wonderful he is- telling me how he's the best lover I've ever had, with the biggest... body part... and if it weren't for being so tired all the time, I'd be all over him 24/7 (ummm... actually he's the worst I've ever had, the most selfish, no rythm at all, and ummm... rather tiny... hard to stay awake during, but for other reasons besides pregnancy). And he's been telling me how much I am in love with HIM and how much I want to spend the rest of my life with HIM, etc. Also, I really don't want to hurt him- like I said before, he is a really nice guy and we did start out as good friends, but on some level, I feel like, for survival, I HAVE to keep leading him on, though perhaps unintentionally. You see, we started dating because I had very little food and very little money for food. I simply pay way more for rent than I should and don't make enough money, Section 8 Housing is closed in my area and I make exactly $200 a year more than the cutoff limit for Food Stamps. Bascially, my son and I were living off of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and buttered noodles and such, and then my friend kept coming around with food, and eventually started buying me groceries and then asked me out. I told him I wasn't ready to date, but that maybe we could, if we went slow. He's invested alot of money into us being together, and if I tell him how I've really been feeling lately, he may stop. I know it's unfair to him, please, no lectures, but you don't know what it's like to be hungry, what it's like to skip one, two, meals in a day, so your child can eat that day, and even then your child is crying because he's still hungry and you have to tell him no more today, because I've got $14 to last the next 2 1/2 weeks for food. I could do it before, wasn't easy, and it took a toll on my health, so much so that, honestly, I don't know how I should have been still fertile, but I can't do that now that I've got this little one to think about as well. And once my ex finds out I'm pregnant, he will stop alimony, and I will have less money to work with. I need to think about what's best for my son and my baby, but I feel like the scum of the earth "using" my boyfriend when I just want out. :-(

[RedOakMomma]

You're still carrying his baby. Do you really think he'd drop all support of you if you gently worked through the truth with him? Just cautioning you...I think deception is a really bad way to start this life-long relationship with him. He will likely feel very, very betrayed and angry by this once he knows the truth. Whatever situation you fear right now that is justifying the deception, take a look at possible future scenarios if you take this path. Is it worth it?

Again, I suspect that he will help support you in some way, at least with food, while you are pregnant with his child. If not, I suspect that there is aid you can find/get as a pregnant woman that will help you cover the gap.

[MissMorgan]

Since you are pregnant have you looked into WIC? And when you apply for foodstamps they do take into consideration how much you pay for rent... have you tried just applying? Even if they give you only a small amount that can certainly help. I hope you find the best solution for your own sanity!