Should I provide after-school care to my niece and nephew?

[Fuamami]

My SIL has asked us (really me, since I'm the one who will be home 95% of the time) to watch her kids next year after school. My kids will be at the same school, so it will be handy to pick them up and bring them home for a couple of hours.

HOWEVER, I have some major reservations. For one thing, my dn is a total PITA. He's a bully, he tries to touch my kids' genitals and butts, and he does stuff that most normal 8 yos would have grown out of. He's also a pain because he taunts the dogs and tries to injure the other animals (goat, ducks, chickens, horses). So, basically, when he's here I have to watch him like a hawk. My niece is much mellower and just likes to play with my dd, so I'm not too worried about her. We call her Typhoid Mary because she's always sick, but my kids will see her at school anyway, so that's a moot point.

So, is it worth it to provide a better experience for them? Will they even like it better? I'd like to develop a better relationship with them, but what if I just become more and more resentful of my nephew. Any advice? Anyone BTDT?

[MissMorgan]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

He's a bully, he tries to touch my kids' genitals and butts, and he does stuff that most normal 8 yos would have grown out of. He's also a pain because he taunts the dogs and tries to injure the other animals (goat, ducks, chickens, horses).

I couldn't read this and not say something.. and that is, that is NOT AT ALL NORMAL behavior. I wouldn't let my kids around him at all, and definitely not agree to provide care for him after school for a year. I would suggest that his behaviors indicates he needs real help.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by MissMorgan

I couldn't read this and not say something.. and that is, that is NOT AT ALL NORMAL behavior. I wouldn't let my kids around him at all, and definitely not agree to provide care for him after school for a year. I would suggest that his behaviors indicates he needs real help.

Oh, I know, I know! It's a big issue, and I've actually posted on here about it before. But help is not really happening, for a variety of reasons. I personally think he might have Asperger's, because he has a very high IQ, but he's been to counseling and been seen by a couple of psychiatrists and they have only ever diagnosed him with ADHD. I'm no expert, so I'd have to assume that I'm wrong!

Anyway, my dh and I do go back and forth about whether or not we should let him around our kids, but he is family, and I'd like to offer him some help if I could. I've gotta go, but I'll try to explain further later.

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Anyway, my dh and I do go back and forth about whether or not we should let him around our kids, but he is family, and I'd like to offer him some help if I could.

Yes, he's family, but he exhibits dangerous behavior. I would not have him in my home on a regular basis until I could be assured that he was not a threat to my children or animals.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by limabean

Yes, he's family, but he exhibits dangerous behavior. I would not have him in my home on a regular basis until I could be assured that he was not a threat to my children or animals.

Ditto. Say "sorry, but it's too much for you to take on and you can't help her out, but good luck!"

[nextcommercial]

I would gently, but honestly tell her the truth. "I love them both dearly, but nephew is just more than I can handle on a daily basis". They know what his issues are.... they are just hoping that you will be able to deal with it. Obviously, you love them, and you'd be better for them than a daycare center and they are hoping you'd be able to take it on.

But, truthfully, it's too much. You can't force your own kids to put up with that daily. You will be exhausted, and it's going to take too much out of you. It isn't fair to your family.

Maybe offer to do it on Wednesdays each week, or occasionally on half days from school. But, don't get suckered into school breaks, and days off.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by limabean

Yes, he's family, but he exhibits dangerous behavior. I would not have him in my home on a regular basis until I could be assured that he was not a threat to my children or animals.

Well, as long as I watch him carefully and keep him busy, I can be reasonably sure of that. I've had him for a week or so at a time before, and it is exhausting, but I know I can do it. And if I had a routine set up, which included a little time at the park or on a walk before we even got home, it wouldn't be like he was even here for very long.I have to give more background, but have to go now! Be back later!

[4evermom]

I would tell her that that is too big of a commitment for me. Every school day for a year? I'm tired even thinking about it. Is she planning on paying you?

[limabean]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Well, as long as I watch him carefully and keep him busy, I can be reasonably sure of that. I've had him for a week or so at a time before, and it is exhausting, but I know I can do it. And if I had a routine set up, which included a little time at the park or on a walk before we even got home, it wouldn't be like he was even here for very long.

It's good that you have some coping strategies for when he's with you guys, but we're talking about every. single. school. day.

That sounds like a lot to put yourself and your kids through day after day after day after day after day...

[Fuamami]

OK, here's the thing. I hopefully have a minute while the kids play.

My SIL is, at best, a problem drinker. She has done some things that I have thought were pretty abusive, though most of it is just kind of misguided or lazy. Her dh is more mean-spirited/bullying, and one of the most passive/aggressive people I've ever met.

Anyway, life is really tough for my nephew. He has no friends, he is universally hated at school, and he has real trouble relating to people. He is, as I said, academically miles ahead of his peers. But his social skills are terrible. I have often thought it was Asperger's, but it also might be some mild attachment disorder. We spent a lot of time with him when he was a baby and a toddler, and he seemed to have pretty normal development, especially for the first year. However, after he started crawling at about 11 months, his parents really started screwing up. They'd spank him and put him in T/O for touching breakables, lock him in his room during parties, and keep him in his high chair for hours until he would say thank you, etc. These were not consistently happening, but like I said, were more misguided attempts at controlling a willful, active, and gifted toddler. Or just laziness, and occasionally drunkeness.

OK, so I say all that to say that I want to help him. We were close when he was a baby and I used to watch him a lot when he was a toddler and my dd was a baby. And it breaks my heart to see how his life is now. But, I am not sure whether I'm being honest with myself about whether I can handle it, or whether I would become resentful and cranky and just another failed relationship for him. Or, whether I'm trying to be Mother Teresa when I'm really not. KWIM?

Oh, and yes, she said she would pay us.

[NightOwlwithowlet]

I have a niece, Rose, I dearly love. I lived with her and her mom when she was small. She and her sister use to spend weekends and summer breaks at my house. They lived with us for a year as when my sister was trying to get herself together. I went to all her IEP meetings in grade school and middle school, until my sister moved them all out of state. I love Rose and her sister as much as I love my son.

Rose has mental health issues, she's 19. She needs a lot help and support her parents are unwilling/unable to provide. She has asked several times to live with us. We have access to resources where we live that aren't available there. I know we can provide the structure she needs to take her meds, see a therapist, and attend support groups. We have more time, energy, and money then her parents do. We did the same thing last year for DH's nephew, it was a great experience for all of us.

My 8 year old is afraid of Rose. She is unstable, recently overdosed, and she has a hx of inappropriate sexual behavior. In the past, she abused my sister's dog (we have two dogs). She recently punched her mom and throws things at her when she's upset. While I love Rose and want to help her, I can't risk my son's safety and well being. It breaks my heart, but I just can't do it. I hate to see her so lost and afraid, my sister is exhausted and overwhelmed.

[AbbieB]

My gut reaction to reading the op was, no. I would not want to deal with that much on a daily basis.

With the further information, I think it might be a good thing for your nice and nephew. If you truly feel called to help, then go for it. Have a plan for days the park won't work. Have a plan for days your SIL is drunk and the kids don't get picked up on time (hopefully you will not need to use it.)

[annethcz]

When considering how you'd feel about this, I'd also ask how you'd feel if your SIL didn't pay you. Would you feel (more) resentful?

Also, when making your decision, I'd ask where will the kids go for after-school care if you don't watch them? Are there a decent daycare or a good after-school program at school that the children will attend?

Personally, I think I would burn out from that kind of situation. It would also make it really hard for *my* kids to participate in extracurricular activities and playdates, so I'd be inclined to say no.

[phathui5]

Anyway, my dh and I do go back and forth about whether or not we should let him around our kids, but he is family, and I'd like to offer him some help if I could. I've gotta go, but I'll try to explain further later.

If you are not 100% comfortable with him around your children, I would say no to the after school care.

[MissMorgan]

Maybe if you had no children of your own at home to take care of and protect then I can see how it would be something to consider. Its a very brave and noble thing to want to help him as much as you do. Your heart is in the right place BUT you are not trained to deal with a person that is sexually and physically abusive for whatever his reasons for being that way are. He could have Aspergers, or another undiagnosed disorder all combined with an abusive family... which a huge sticky mess for someone to be in. His help lies in the hands of professionals.. those trained to work through a huge mess of problems that he has. I don't know HOW he can get the help he needs, or what you can do to help start that process. But if you can somehow connect him with the resources available to help him, then that would be the best thing anyone could ever do for him.
I think that, like NightOwlwithowlet, you can love someone and desire to help them but realize that it is not worth putting your own self and children in harms way.

[A&A]

Originally Posted by MissMorgan

I couldn't read this and not say something.. and that is, that is NOT AT ALL NORMAL behavior. I wouldn't let my kids around him at all, and definitely not agree to provide care for him after school for a year. I would suggest that his behaviors indicates he needs real help.

You have to be concerned about your own kids.

[Bellabaz]

For me, I understand where you are coming from with the wanting to help your nephew. And if it was just you at home then hey go for it. But the factis that you will be putting your kids in danger.

Okay you say if you keep him busy, etc. But then you are exhausted. And when he leaves your kids and dh will have an exhausted mom and you will still have the responsibilities of your own household to take care of. And this time its not just one week, its the whole school year. So that means you are running yourself ragged M-F. Hopefully recuperating on the w/e and then doing it all over. And then what if one of your kids is sick or something else needs your attention or bad weather throws off your schedule and you can't watch him like you need to? Because this is bound to happen. There are going to be things that come up and you aren't going to be there to keep him in your sight 100% of the time.

He has it rough, but in this case you can't sacrifice your own family life and your kids (and pets) safety. Report him to the school counselor or something and maybe they can help him.

[lonegirl]

Were it me...I would probable try to help...even for only a few days a week. Or set it up on a trial basis. I think your nephew needs a positive role model. Personally I think he sounds like he is just immature...not dangerous as some have thought. He probably thinks it is funny. Is it appropriate? No! Is it something that can be corrected? Yes. Were he 12+ then yes I would have more issue with it.
If I were to take care of my neices for example...it would be my house my rules. They would not be considered guests and above the household rules. I think that with that you can instill positive values before it is too late for your dn. He seems to not be getting this at home.

[maddymama]

I wonder if you could do this in a trial basis, like a pp said.... maybe tell SIL and DN that if X, Y, or Z were to occur then the deal is off... no ifs ands or buts. And then stick to it....
Good luck with this difficult choice.
~maddymama

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

If you do decide to do this, I would be sure you have a very detailed discussion about discipline, consequences and expectations for your house with both their parents and them. Be sure you define things just as you would for a non-family member who you were providing care for. Perhaps you could couple your agreement to provide care with their agreement to provide therapy for the child, assuming you could manage the logistics of getting him there.

In your shoes, I would probably try to help but I would go into it with my eyes wide open and everything clearly defined at the beginning.