Difficulties with our almost 5 year old son

[~Megan~]

I could really use some guidance as we (my husband and myself) feel overwhelmed and frustrated by our situation. It feels as if we are constantly correcting our nearly 5 yr old son.

He has a very strong will and does not respond well to the parenting we have done with our 8 yr old daughter.

I've read loads of books but still have no solution.

I'll focus on the three things that are the most difficult for us:

1. Hurting his older sister. It usually happens when his sister is ignoring him (and we are working on that with her) and he escalates his annoying behavior until he gets a response. That is generally when the hitting/kicking/etc begins.

2. Spacing out completely. We talk to him and it's as if he's in a different world and won't respond. It sounds small but it really drives us crazy.

3. Not understanding privacy boundaries. Smacking his sisters or parents on the butt. Exposing himself to try to make his old sister squeal.
This one I assumed he would outgrow and it while it doesn't bother his dad and I so terribly it does upset his older sister a lot to not have her privacy respected.

Any ideas for these behaviors?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Does he have any food sensativities? My first thought was an elimination diet, if you havent already tried it.

Number 1 and 3 sound like they are one in the same, its just your daughter has to bare the brunt since shes around him the most. Have you sought any kind of counseling or therepy (SPD issues, spectrum disorder, etc) to pin down possible triggers?

[~Megan~]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Does he have any food sensativities? My first thought was an elimination diet, if you havent already tried it.

Number 1 and 3 sound like they are one in the same, its just your daughter has to bare the brunt since shes around him the most. Have you sought any kind of counseling or therepy (SPD issues, spectrum disorder, etc) to pin down possible triggers?

Yes, he does and we avoid them completely.

I've not sought any counseling. I think he's fairly average just "obnoxious". I know quite a few kids which are on the spectrum and he doesn't strike me as being similar, though I'd not rule it out.

[RiverSky]

Originally Posted by ~Megan~

I've not sought any counseling. I think he's fairly average just "obnoxious". I know quite a few kids which are on the spectrum and he doesn't strike me as being similar, though I'd not rule it out.

I'm no expert and have a few friends with children on the spectrum also, but I don't think your sons behavior sounds normal at all. Does your husband joke around by smacking children on the butt? Is there someone else that he might be mimicking?

The spacing out thing sounds odd to me. I can't think of any child I've ever known that has done this to the degree you describe. My 11 year old sometimes focuses on whatever he is doing and it takes a few times of saying his name, or touching him on the arm to get his attention, but I don't think that's the type of thing you are describing.

I have a few friends who have had counseling with their 4-7 year olds and part of that counseling included having the parents sit in, too. My friends all said that it was extremely helpful in coming up with good solutions to their most troublesome issues and behaviors and I really think that this type of thing would be extremely helpful in your case.

[~Megan~]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

Does your husband joke around by smacking children on the butt? Is there someone else that he might be mimicking?

The spacing out thing sounds odd to me. I can't think of any child I've ever known that has done this to the degree you describe.

Perhaps I overstated. It is playful butt smacking along with tickling and other play. Only the butt thing bothers his sister as she is old enough that she's wanting personal space but he can't seem to understand why there is a difference between tickling her arm and smacking her butt.

The spacing out is normal. And he does respond if one gets within his line of sight. His mind often remains on what he was doing before though especially if he was doing something electronic like a video game or watching a movie.

[rabbitmum]

I really do think that these things sound normal.

It is very common for siblings to fight! One of the typical forms this takes, is for the older sister to find a way to annoy the "annoying little brother" until he reacts in a way that will get him a telling off from the parents.
I would try to help him understand that she is just teasing him, and that he shouldn't get too upset by it - and certainly not hit or kick her. If he doesn't react, she won't think it fun anymore. And of course she knows that she is teasing, she should learn that this is not a way to treat your little brother.

The "spacing out" is also not uncommon at all, if the child feels that he is being talked to in a harsh way or feels like he is being criticised (maybe especially if he feels that he "deserves" it). Maybe he doesn't know how to react adequately without "being bad", i.e. accepting that he has done something wrong that makes him "bad". If I understand the situation correctly, he is preferring to pretend that he doesn't hear, rather than entering into a dialogue that he feels threatens his dignity. My almost four-and-a-half-year-old does this sometimes. Saying things like "Listen to me!", "Do you hear me?" etc. in a strict way makes it worse. Very gentle communication and patience work for us in this situation. That behaviour can be really difficult and annoying, though.

As for the butt-smacking and "exhibitionist behaviour" I am sure he will outgrow it. These are obviously things that get him a reaction, therefore interesting ways to provoke and annoy his sister. Many boys do these things. My nice, considerate 21-year-old smacked his sister's friends' bottoms when he was five or six, in a "humorous" way. He is not at all "that type" of guy now, and he wasn't when he was seven or eight either.

Of course it is not fun for his sister to have his private (or apparently not!) parts pushed on her, but I do not believe it is such a big deal either. He is her little brother, not a stranger or older relative. He should be gently taught that it is not nice to annoy his sister with his willie (or in other ways). It is a chance to learn to understand and respect other people's boundaries, not dramatic at all.

[Tjej]

For the building up/annoying of his sister - can you teach HER to come to you when he starts and you can intervene for her/help redirect him? Or alternately can you have an ear open for it to catch him before it gets too heated? My kids are younger, but that is how we handle it. I tell my kids to tell the other child once and if they don't respect what you have to say then come get Mama. It really helps prevent escalating tension between them. So you could teach your DS to come get you if his sister is not answering him and your DD to come get you if she has told DS she does not want to talk and he keeps pestering her...

The spacing out - I think this is a thing where you might have to change how YOU talk to him. Get at his level. Wait for him to give you eye contact. Go with him to a less distracting place for the conversation, if needed. That said, I do know a kid who's 5 and like that (not mine, so I don't know exactly how his parents handle it at home). It drives me bonkers too. I find that when I am relating with him I make sure to get verbal confirmation of his understanding of what I have said, so that we are on the same page (not just a "yes" but something so I KNOW he heard it).

HTH

Tjej