'Snubbed' at work for having kids!

[busymama77]

I work in a male dominant office most of whom have kids and a wife that is a SAHM - these guys make the big bucks so it's more than affordable for their wives to be SAHM's!

A farewell party for the girl that was my temp while I was on maternity took place a few weeks ago - I know this only because I work on expense reports for some of the guys in the office and one of them labeled his expense as such - a farewell party for J. I asked another person - the only other woman in the office - if she knew about it and she didn't. She thinks that we were 'snubbed' because we have a family to go home to and these guys are single (4 in the office are - all under the age of 30).

Whose not to say that I would like to go out for a drink or two and socialize with the people I work with and thank the person that took over my seat for a couple of months?

I really think situations like the above happen a ton more than I know about or now really ever care about. Whichever - at least I have something to go home to at night!

[annethcz]

Did you know the replacement? If you didn't know her, it does seem reasonable that you weren't invited to the party.

[Marsupialmom]

I don't understand either why you would be invited either.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by annethcz

Did you know the replacement? If you didn't know her, it does seem reasonable that you weren't invited to the party.

Yes, I knew her - I trained her before I went on leave. Of course I didn't get to work with her like the others did because I WAS AT HOME TAKING CARE OF A BABY!

[Alyantavid]

I wouldn't take that as a snub. More a 'we worked with her and want to say goodbye'. And they may well have thought you'd be tired new mom just back to work.

Obviously we don't know these people, but could they have just thought maybe the two of you really did want to go home? Do you normally get invited to these things? It's just really hard to tell without talking to them yourself. I hate office politics like this. I can't go to lunch with a few of my close friends (who also work here) without inviting everyone or someone gets mad.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

I wouldn't take that as a snub. More a 'we worked with her and want to say goodbye'. And they may well have thought you'd be tired new mom just back to work.

Obviously we don't know these people, but could they have just thought maybe the two of you really did want to go home? Do you normally get invited to these things? It's just really hard to tell without talking to them yourself. I hate office politics like this. I can't go to lunch with a few of my close friends (who also work here) without inviting everyone or someone gets mad.

The get together was on a Saturday, so it wasn't like it was an after work event. And no, I don't get invited to these things and neither does the other lady I work with in the office.
We don't do holiday parties, never any happy hours, sometimes an office lunch if a big wig is in town, and birthday cakes every so often. But that's it.
I hate office politics, too, and I really wished that I would've never seen that receipt.

[annethcz]

Originally Posted by busymama77

The get together was on a Saturday, so it wasn't like it was an after work event. And no, I don't get invited to these things and neither does the other lady I work with in the office.
We don't do holiday parties, never any happy hours, sometimes an office lunch if a big wig is in town, and birthday cakes every so often. But that's it.
I hate office politics, too, and I really wished that I would've never seen that receipt.

It sounds to me like you have a history of turning down invitations. So I guess it doesn't surprise me that you weren't invited this time.

I occasionally go out with coworkers. To start with, I always invited everyone if I was having a party or going out. But there are people who always say no. So while I guess I should make an effort to invite them... I don't always go out of my way, because I know they're just going to say no anyway. They've made it clear that socializing with coworkers isn't something they enjoy- they'd rather go home and be with their families.

It sounds to me like the people who planned the party are friends and have similar interests. It also sounds like you don't have a whole lot in common with these people and have turned down multiple invitations in the past. I'm sorry you feel snubbed. If socializing with your coworkers is important to you, perhaps you would consider issuing an invitation the next time, to let them know that you're interested. Or even just say... "hey, let me know the next time you're going out as a group" so that they know you want to spend time with them.

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by annethcz

It sounds to me like you have a history of turning down invitations. So I guess it doesn't surprise me that you weren't invited this time.
I occasionally go out with coworkers. To start with, I always invited everyone if I was having a party or going out. But there are people who always say no. So while I guess I should make an effort to invite them... I don't always go out of my way, because I know they're just going to say no anyway. They've made it clear that socializing with coworkers isn't something they enjoy- they'd rather go home and be with their families.

It sounds to me like the people who planned the party are friends and have similar interests. It also sounds like you don't have a whole lot in common with these people and have turned down multiple invitations in the past. I'm sorry you feel snubbed. If socializing with your coworkers is important to you, perhaps you would consider issuing an invitation the next time, to let them know that you're interested. Or even just say... "hey, let me know the next time you're going out as a group" so that they know you want to spend time with them.

HUH?!? I'm not turning down any invitations, what I'm saying is that our office - as a whole - doesn't do things of this nature!

[Alyantavid]

It's awfully hard for outsiders to know the tone of your office. To know if people really are excluding you because you're a mother or not. Did everyone in the entire office get invited except you two? You may be right, but we have no way of knowing besides what you've posted. And I know that I for one, take alot of things personally when they really aren't.

Originally Posted by busymama77

I work in a male dominant office most of whom have kids and a wife that is a SAHM - these guys make the big bucks so it's more than affordable for their wives to be SAHM's!

A farewell party for the girl that was my temp while I was on maternity took place a few weeks ago - I know this only because I work on expense reports for some of the guys in the office and one of them labeled his expense as such - a farewell party for J. I asked another person - the only other woman in the office - if she knew about it and she didn't. She thinks that we were 'snubbed' because we have a family to go home to and these guys are single (4 in the office are - all under the age of 30).

Whose not to say that I would like to go out for a drink or two and socialize with the people I work with and thank the person that took over my seat for a couple of months?

I really think situations like the above happen a ton more than I know about or now really ever care about. Whichever - at least I have something to go home to at night!

I just reread your op to see if I'd missed anything. It looks like you'd rather be at home anyways. There's no rule that says you must be invited to everything, kids or not.

I'm not trying to offend you, I totally get where you're coming from. I'm the only one in my office with kids under the age of 20. So I do miss out on work stuff because of sitter issues or stuff going on with my kids. I just try to remind myself that I see these people all the time anyways, I don't need to spend my non-work time with them too.

Maybe you and the other mom in your office can go do your own thing?

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

It's awfully hard for outsiders to know the tone of your office. To know if people really are excluding you because you're a mother or not. Did everyone in the entire office get invited except you two? You may be right, but we have no way of knowing besides what you've posted. And I know that I for one, take alot of things personally when they really aren't.



I just reread your op to see if I'd missed anything. It looks like you'd rather be at home anyways. There's no rule that says you must be invited to everything, kids or not.

I'm not trying to offend you, I totally get where you're coming from. I'm the only one in my office with kids under the age of 20. So I do miss out on work stuff because of sitter issues or stuff going on with my kids. I just try to remind myself that I see these people all the time anyways, I don't need to spend my non-work time with them too.

Maybe you and the other mom in your office can go do your own thing?

No, no worries at all. You haven't offended me, I just sometimes hate posting things as I can't seem to get my tone across in some threads as I can in others.

This was just a one-time occurence that threw me for a loop. And I totally agree with you about seeing them all day everyday. Some days it gets to be a little too much and I cannot wait to get out of here! But sometimes, it's just the thought that counts, KWIM?

Me and the other mom have had lunch together on occassion and while she's 20 years old than me, we still have a lot in common and can relate on many levels, which is nice. But she works p/t and I'm by myself the other time, which is sometimes rough. I look forward to the days she comes in!!

[sparklett]

From an office etiquette standpoint, it was rude of them to not invite you. If this were something that was a casual/social thing that they paid for themselves, then they didn't have to invite you. But becuase it was sanctioned by the business and the expenses were paid for by the office, then yes, not inviting you was entirely inappropriate.

[lolar2]

My first thought is that some of the guys were hitting on the woman and they didn't include you and the other mother because you two are married.

[annethcz]

Oh I'm sorry, I totally misunderstood. When you said "we" I thought you were referring to you and the other woman in the office with kids not attending parties or happy hours.

In any case, it hurts to be left out and I'm sorry you found out about it the way you did. It's one thing to turn down an invitation, it's something else to be left out. Perhaps you and the other woman were left out because you didn't know the temp as well as the rest of your coworkers (since you were out on maternity leave and the other woman only works P/T)?

[LynnS6]

Are you being snubbed because you have kids or because you are female?

It sounds more like the latter. If there's an HR department, you might want to drop the words "gender discrimination" in their ears.