Following my bliss with a family in tow?

[Intuition]

I don't really know how to begin this. I am in a place where I am completely unfulfilled, where I am terribly unhappy with my living situation, and where I feel a constant ache for the dreams I have held all of my life. I am lonely, overweight, and unable to make simple decisions. My oldest son has special needs, my youngest is... well, three.

I always dreamed of two things. Writing and travelling. When I started dating my husband, eleven years ago, I was just applying to different schools all over the world to teach, as I had just completed a course to enable me to teach English as a second language. I chose him, and though he would have waited, I decided to move straight in with him and begin a life. I was nineteen.

I signed up for school soon after, and initially went in to become an English teacher. One year in, and I began to take detours through the art building, wanting desperately to be there. I had a lot of talent, but my parents told me to take an art program that would make me some money for a career. I decided to sign up for Graphic Design. I got into the highly competitive program, and hated it from the beginning. It was an intense program where we basically lived and breathed design. At the end of the first year, they cut four or five people. It was another test, another huge honour to make it into year two, and I made the cut. But I stopped working hard. I started completely procrastinating, made some classmates (understandably!) extremely angry. I wasn't working hard at all. I hated every second of the program, but didn't see a way out. Right after year one, I got pregnant.

Relieved to be out of the program, I was thrilled with my pregnancy. I was 22 and felt like I was completely ready to be a mother, that my partner would make a wonderful dad, and that this was exactly what I wanted. And it was. I was ready to be a mother, and my son changed me in ways that were amazing. The first few years were bliss, for me. We were very poor, but we had some amazing support from family and friends, and were married at 24. Our wedding was wonderful, and we soon moved off our island to the mainland, where my husband started a new, fantastic career. We had a second son, and as happy as I was with my two boys, I started to feel like something was lacking.

My oldest has had a lot of people working with him over the last five years, and I have been taking him all over for assessments, special needs school, therapy and advocating hard for him all this time. He is still without a diagnosis, but we are just exhausted. I home school, try to get things done around my home, lack friendships partially because it is so difficult for my son to be around other people, and I am living in downtown in a city, which is my idea of hell. We're in an apartment that is too small for us, I feel unsafe much of the time, and I am utterly miserable.

My house is falling apart; not only is it too small for us, but I have zero will to clean anymore. This city is so expensive that even though my husband has a great wage, we are considered below the poverty line and are in social housing. I have applied to some new housing places, but the wait-times are over two years long. My husband's job only exists in big cities, so we can't move to a lower COL area.

I recently found out that my husband's job is in pretty high demand. And that he could quite easily get a job in the UK for a very nice wage, allowing us to live comfortably over there. (I know the COL is high, but his wage would be enough.) I could get dual citizenship, and in fact have many relatives still over there who are dying to meet me. I feel like this is a huge sign for me. I am first generation Canadian, and I have ached to go to England to see where my family is from.

Would it be really stupid of me to pursue this? My husband is totally willing, and he is excited about the prospect too, but am I just running away? I picture myself living in a little rental house, near to my cousins, in their little village or one like theirs, and writing. And having community, and basically feeling a lot more free. I think I am totally romanticizing this, but what happens if this is a big sign, and I miss it?

I want to clarify we would only be there for a few years, and always leave ourselves with the option to come back if we hated it. My husband's job would also help to pay for him to transfer. Am I being selfish?

[SoulCakes]

What would you be running away from? I believe life is for living - there's no reason to run yourself into the ground just because you feel like you should be happy. Go. Your husband's not just willing but excited! Doing something that will make you both happy is pretty much the opposite of selfish.

[Intuition]

Thank you so much, SoulCakes. :

Incidentally, where in the UK are you located? Do you love it there?

[mama*pisces]

This may seem weird, but I feel like I could have almost written your post...I've been wanting to travel and write for a long time, but somehow I ended up in a way too expensive design school (in my late 20's though) pursuing a degree in web design: I thought that was what I wanted to do but once I was in the program I was stuck and miserable, and basically just got by. During the second to last semester I got pregnant with my first child, and once I was done with school I was like: "Thank GOD, now I can enjoy the rest of my pregnancy." Then motherhood changed me in so many ways, I've kept dreaming of traveling and writing but have not done much of either, and have really strayed farrrr away from designing anything, though now I am starting to tinker around with Photoshop again and considering a new path to take with it. Oh, and I too am really sick of my living situation...except I feel that we have too much space, and I really have not been able to keep up with it with a 4 yo and a baby. I've been really frustrated, we are talking about looking for a ranch-style house to rent but we can't just up and leave at the moment.

Anyway...I practically got chills reading your post, lots of similarities! Except that I don't have an opportunity to move to the UK. I have to tell you that I would do it in a heartbeat. And I don't even have family there! To me, it sounds like the perfect solution to your problem. And all those things you are envisioning could certainly become a reality; living close to your cousins, having community...living in the UK. How cool is that? I think you should do it, without a doubt, and no I don't think it's selfish, because it sounds like your family could have a better life over there. Do it, mama! Have a blast!

[Rainbow2911]

It sounds like it would be something you would both enjoy and you are aware it wouldn't solve all your problems. I don't see any down side!

[SoulCakes]

Brighton! And yes, I do love it here.

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

If it's what you want and feel is the best for you and your family then go for it, you only live once there's no point living with what if's

hope you don't think i'm being rude, but where abouts in England?

[doubledutch]

to me it also sounds like you would be running "to" something (and something you've always wanted, at that) rather than running away. what would be stupid or selfish about it? it wouldn't hurt anyone. i think it sounds completely wonderful. i think the struggle here may come from the fact that you've been told in the past that your ideas are not good and what you want is not important. but listen, what you want matters very much, and the things you want are good things for you and your family! so do it. what have you got to lose?

[Annie Mac]

Originally Posted by Intuition

I My husband's job only exists in big cities, so we can't move to a lower COL area.

I picture myself living in a little rental house, near to my cousins, in their little village or one like theirs, and writing. And having community, and basically feeling a lot more free. I think I am totally romanticizing this, but what happens if this is a big sign, and I miss it?

Question: can you actually live in a little village like that one you want to be in, and have your husband be near enough a large enough city to work? I'm assuming your husband qualifies for a working visa, or is an EU citizen?

Also (and I don't say this to be mean, but I've definitely BTDT...obviously some common characteristic shared among English Majors/teachers with artistic tendencies that live on the West Coast and have their children young, lol): how will you feel if you don't find exactly what you're looking for? It seems to me you're going in with some very specific ideas. A village, a sense of community....are you really more likely to find the sense of community in a place where you're an outsider? If it's exploration you're after, great! But if it's belonging? I don't know, maybe you'll get luckier than me, but after traipsing around for the last 20 years (with my then young daughter in tow) looking for that elusive sense of community, I've *finally* figured out that the Island is my home, and that if you want community, you need to create it. You can do that anywhere. (Granted, Vancouver does seem to be a particularly cold city in that aspect).

I do think the idea is cool, but I also think, from personal experience, that you need to be brutally honest with yourself when it comes to your motivations for going, and how you will react if you don't find what you're looking for.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Are you kidding? Your husband is on board? GO FOR IT!!!! You are miserable HERE and there is no way for you to improve. What have you got to loose?

[rlmueller]

Hard to be selfish

If your husband is okay with it. One flesh one bliss baby.

[SoulCakes]

Originally Posted by Annie Mac

Question: can you actually live in a little village like that one you want to be in, and have your husband be near enough a large enough city to work? I'm assuming your husband qualifies for a working visa, or is an EU citizen?

Also (and I don't say this to be mean, but I've definitely BTDT...obviously some common characteristic shared among English Majors/teachers with artistic tendencies that live on the West Coast and have their children young, lol): how will you feel if you don't find exactly what you're looking for? It seems to me you're going in with some very specific ideas. A village, a sense of community....are you really more likely to find the sense of community in a place where you're an outsider? If it's exploration you're after, great! But if it's belonging? I don't know, maybe you'll get luckier than me, but after traipsing around for the last 20 years (with my then young daughter in tow) looking for that elusive sense of community, I've *finally* figured out that the Island is my home, and that if you want community, you need to create it. You can do that anywhere. (Granted, Vancouver does seem to be a particularly cold city in that aspect).

I do think the idea is cool, but I also think, from personal experience, that you need to be brutally honest with yourself when it comes to your motivations for going, and how you will react if you don't find what you're looking for.

In England, unlike in America, it's very easy to work in a large city but escape to a lovely little village only minutes away. Rather than the large urban sprawl we see in the states, the cities are more concentrated, surrounded by lots of farmland dotted with little villages throughout. We live in a relatively large city but it takes only moments to be out in the countryside. This is one of my favorite things about England.

As for belonging, and really feeling home here, that's a highly individual experience. I've known more than one family to move here with high hopes but the reality just doesn't match. And that's fine - you can't really know until you get here, and uncertainty isn't a good reason to not try something. Also, it takes time to adjust - I've spent most of this last year adjusting, and I'm just finally getting to a place where I feel like I actually live here rather than just visiting! I do love it here, but I also have pangs of homesickness sometimes. That's normal, too.

Intuition, I can't speak for you, but if this is one of those things that you'll always regret if you don't do, I think you should go for it!

[Masel]

I was in a graphic design program like that. Drove me nuts and I switched to history and got my degree. A few years later I was still hankering to do art professionally and went to a local community college. Their graphic program was awesome and the professors had more real world knowledge there. Your art degree might be lurking at a different school. They are so not created equal. I know you didn't ask about this but it is what resonated with me.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by SoulCakes

In England, unlike in America, it's very easy to work in a large city but escape to a lovely little village only minutes away. Rather than the large urban sprawl we see in the states, the cities are more concentrated, surrounded by lots of farmland dotted with little villages throughout. We live in a relatively large city but it takes only moments to be out in the countryside. This is one of my favorite things about England.

Isnt Surrey (sp?) JUST like this?

I was going to mention it, but didnt want to

[SoulCakes]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Isnt Surrey (sp?) JUST like this?

I was going to mention it, but didnt want to

Probably! I haven't been there myself, but so far most of England seems like this (with the notable exception of London, but even then a half-hour commute by train will get you far out of town).

[mmhinton]

My only thought: if your husband is not only on board, but is excited about the possibility...GO FOR IT! As pp have mentioned, if you go there with an open mind that it's not a "solution" in and of itself, then it is could be a really, really positive move for you...AND your family!
FWIW, I would LOVE for such an opportunity to be even remotely possible

[lolar2]

Why not give it a try, since your husband has a job opportunity anyway and will be able to transfer back if you both want to? It's just England. You're not going to the moon.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Masel

I was in a graphic design program like that. Drove me nuts and I switched to history and got my degree. A few years later I was still hankering to do art professionally and went to a local community college. Their graphic program was awesome and the professors had more real world knowledge there. Your art degree might be lurking at a different school. They are so not created equal. I know you didn't ask about this but it is what resonated with me.

Maybe at a school in England!

[Intuition]

Thank you all so much for your thoughts. I've taken a few days to digest, and my DH is applying to different locations.

mama*pisces: So crazy that we're so much alike! I hope you start to fulfill your dreams, as well.

SoulCakes: Brighton sounds wonderful.

Annie Mac: Thanks for your perspective. These are all things I have thought of as well, and though my best sense of community would likely be back on the island, we just can't move there with DH's job right now. I do miss it a lot, though. I will think on what you said.

Masel: I may try again. I may also decide to go to school in the UK for writing. I am eligible for dual citizenship, so I wouldn't have to pay international fees.

Barbie64g: As long as Surrey over there isn't the same as Surrey over here. Yikes! I would love to live where Harry Potter lives, though.

Becky: My family all live in Yorkshire, around Harrogate and Knaresborough. My husband's current prospects are in York, London, Glasgow, The Isle of Man, Farnsborough (I think that's right), and somewhere in Wales, which I forget now.

Thanks so much to all of you.

[SoulCakes]

Yay! If you end up moving to the Sussex area, we'll have to meet up!

One evil note of foreboding, though - check up on all immigration matters before your husband accepts any positions! Immigration is expensive, takes time to plan, and is a total pain. If I were you, I'd go ahead and get the ball rolling on UK citizenship for yourself (which, under certain circumstances, may mean that your kids will be eligible as well, but not necessarily), and do homework on how to go about getting visas for your family and how much they'll cost.

But that's just the legal stuff. Good luck! I hope you're soon over here, spending your days writing and loving life!