I keep putting off going back... any btdt?

[sky_and_lavender]

I'm a part-time student about to finish a BS in environmental science. My baby is 9 months old, and I have been pretty much a SAHM since her birth even though I've been taking classes. (I'm lucky to have financial flexibility... I know many would love to be at home but must work instead.)

My plan all along has been to graduate with my BS and then go to grad school full time. But what I've found is that I don't want to leave her in the care of someone else for long periods of time. (I haven't really left her at all so far.) So now I'm planning to wait until she's 2 to start grad school. If I can't bear to leave her full-time, I'll try to take a few classes I know I'll need.

But then I realize I'll have to put her in day care/preschool/whatever in order to work, and it's just hard for me to imagine. I'm not sure if this is due to the fact that my own mother was (unhappily) SAH or maybe because most of the dual-income families I know seem so chaotic, out-of-sync and often unhappy. I tend to get stressed pretty easily and don't want to pass that stress on to my family. Yet the role and routine of SAHM doesn't appeal to me or my husband.

I have thought of becoming a teacher at a (Montessori?) school to have a more childhood-conducive schedule, but my original goal sounds much more interesting to me. I know there have to be trade offs. What is it like to work full-time and have a 5 year old, a 10 year old, a 15 year old?
Sorry for the rambling... but thanks for any ideas on this!

[annethcz]

I was on a similar path. I was in grad school when my first child was born. I intended to go back to school when he was 4 months old. At that time DH was working 2nd shift, so DS would've been with a parent all day.

But when it came time to return to school.... I just didn't want to do it. The most I wanted was to go part time (which wasn't really an option in my program). And then I realized that if I was to go back to school, I'd have to take out student loans. And even after I graduated, I wanted to be home part time with my DS (and future children). So there didn't seem any point to going to school to rack up debt only to work part time when I graduated. In the end, I decided to be a SAHM. That was 10 years ago, and I'm still happy with my decision.

In the meantime, I've added 3 other children to my family. This past year my baby went to kindergarten, so all four of my kids were in school full-day. And I went back to work. I'm working as a preschool teacher at my kids' school, and I LOVE it. It's not at all related to my previous studies, but I'm enjoying it more than I ever thought I would. My children are more closely spaced that what you were asking about (there's 3.5 years between the oldest and youngest), but it has worked so well for us. Like you, we were financially comfortable on just one income, so there wasn't a huge need for me to work. I'm happy I was able to stay home with my kids when they were little, but I'm also happy to have a flexible and enjoyable job now that they're older.

[MamaChicken]

I've been there. I was in my first semester of grad school when DS1 was born. I was supposed to go back after 3 weeks, but physically I couldn't do it. When he was 5 mo, I finally went back. A close family friend watched him while I was in class and he stayed with me in a carrier while I taught class. I had toys and a exersaucer in my office. The next semester, another friend (SAHM) watched him while I was in class and doing my research. I finished school the week before he turned 2.

During this time DH was working a super stressful, commission based sales job. After I graduated, we moved across the country, I got a good job (I'm still there 10 years later ), and DH became a stay at home dad.

After the birth of our other 3 kids, I was back to work 6 weeks PP. It was still hard, but not as bad as it was with my first.

[samy23]

What job will you end up with? Could you work part-time?
Can you study from home instead of going to classes...distance learning or online? Then you could still be with her during the daytime and study at night...if you have the energy at night.

[sky_and_lavender]

Sorry for the delay in replying. I'm taking two grad classes right now (as an undergrad, and they using more of my time than I thought they would!

MamaChicken and anniethcz, interesting how you each actually ended up doing one of my options! Thank you for describing your paths for me.

samy23, in my original plan, the program I would be doing doesn't have a study from home option. There is a different program that is more flexible. It's not exactly what I wanted but it would work. My original goal job would not be part-time but there's a small chance I could find something that would be. Most of the good jobs are FT.

Hmmm. I feel so stuck in all this! Oh well, I guess life has a way of working things out. Thanks for your input.

[JessieBird]

It is such a tough decision and it is really hard to know how any one situation is going to work out for you. In my case, I knew I didn't want to go back to work but I had to (for money and legally binding 1-yr obligation to my employer) so I didn't have the options that you have but what might help you to know is that what I expected to be really hard was not and the things I though would be easy turned out to be very hard.

Leaving my child full time was not hard, though I'd expected it to be torture. Finding the right childcare was extremely difficult but once I did, I felt 100% confident that DS was just as happy and well of with her as with me. Being away from him all day is much easier than I'd expected. Actually, I sail through it. I do miss him terribly but not in the cry-at-my-desk kind of way, it's a manageable kind of missing him. I feel some guilt for finding it easier than I think I should.

I expected the rush and chaos of both parents working full time to be the worst part of it all, and I think in a lot of cases it is. I also get stressed/panicky very easily when hectic so I thought mornings and evenings would be a nightmare. Turns out DS is a dream baby and rolls with our routine without any problems at all. He makes it very easy on us. DH and I go on autopilot, stay super organized, and rarely get stressed. It works well.

The suprise thing that has been really hard is discovering that my work is not nearly as satisfying as it was before I had DS. My soul and my mind are elsewhere now and I have no passion for my work, as I once did (I work in wildlife species at risk, so there's lots to be passionate about). My high salary and excellent benefits do nothing to motivate me any more. I am bored out of my skull at what should be a very stimulating and challenging job. I received a promotion about three months after coming back and still that hasn't helped. All I do is go through the motions and watch the clock until I can get home to look after DS, a job I find to be far more challenging and stimulating, not to mention entertaining!

I suspect that being a SAHM won't fullfill all of me forever but I've decided to give it a try after #2 comes along in October. I'm going to quit my job (there is no part time option, otherwise that's what I'd do) but keep my mind open to pursuing one of my other interests part time or gradually when I feel ready.

If I were in your shoes, I think I'd take the most flexible approach possible to grad school and keep an open mind about where it takes you. Keep your original goals in mind but not as fixed as they once were - check in with them from time to time but be really open to a shift in your interests as time goes on. Good luck! These are huge life decisions and they aren't easy at all.

[sky_and_lavender]

JessieBird,

I appreciate your post and its honesty. I, too, have noticed that when I leave my daughter to go to class, it's not traumatic for me. (Or her, for that matter, because I leave her with my husband. Together they smile and laugh while waving and blowing kisses to me!) And I feel so free going out. It's interesting to hear that morning/evening routines are not crazy and awful, too. My baby is pretty easy going, so maybe she would be fine, as well.

I think it's a good point that work is not as satisfying when there's a kid at home. Lately while I'm doing my classes, I get all excited about the professional roles I could be playing. Then I think about the idea of not being at home with my dd for a few years, and that role seems all the more important and interesting.

A friend of mine suggested giving myself the goal of going back to work when or by the time my daughter is five, and getting my Master's before then. Maybe that's more in line with my real desires and what I think is best for my daughter. I realize that I'll be sacrificing the status of the career I could have if I started right away, but I should still be able to find a good job in my field. It's true that I'm lucky to have a lot of flexibility and should enjoy and take advantage of it.

Enjoy your time at home with your kids! And I'm wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!