Quitting... when, how, if?

[chi_mama]

What do you do when your child want to quit an activity? I mean when a child asks to participate in something (t-ball, swimming lessons, art class etc) and then decides they don't like it? do you make them stick out a commitment/course? do you let them stop when they want to? what factors into the decision for you?
Thanks

[JL83]

It depends on how strongly they don't like it...

If it's going to be a huge fight to go every time and the kid is going to be miserable, we let them quit.

If it's just that they don't like it and they are depended on, like soccer or group dancing, then they finish out the natural course.

If it's totally an individual activity then as long a decent chance has been given the kid can stop.

[4evermom]

Sure my child can quit any activity he wants. It's important to learn to cut your loss and leave a situation that isn't working or that you don't enjoy. I do try to make sure he has realistic expectations and I do try to determine if what he doesn't like is something temporary or changeable. And I avoid signing up for classes with big commitments (longer than 4 sessions).

I think it's especially important with younger children to let them quit if they feel strongly about it (vs just not feeling like putting on their shoes to go). They don't have a good enough concept of time and money to be held to a commitment. I don't think it's fair to make, oh say, a 3 yo, stick something out when she isn't mature enough to comprehend what a class really entails. I think sometimes when a child says they want to take a class, they mean once or twice and the adult assumes they mean something more.

[Gal]

Agreed.

[Cascadian]

Originally Posted by JL83

It depends on how strongly they don't like it...

If it's going to be a huge fight to go every time and the kid is going to be miserable, we let them quit.

If it's just that they don't like it and they are depended on, like soccer or group dancing, then they finish out the natural course.

If it's totally an individual activity then as long a decent chance has been given the kid can stop.

When they were younger, I was more prone to quit activities because it became seriously miserable to drag a crying child to something.

Older, they have their good days and not so good days. I always let them have 'mental health' days from their activities because as adults, let's face it - sometimes we just don't wanna go anywhere But I'm easy that way - not so draconian about anything except for school (but even then, we've had one or two 'too tired' days...)

[ollyoxenfree]

There are a couple of factors that I would consider. You've said that it's an activity that the child asked to do. Before they started, I would have discussed the concept of commitment and the responsible use of family resources (sign up fees, passing on other activities we might have wanted to register for).

First factor - their (or my) reasons for quitting. If there were safety hazards (e.g. poorly supervised swimming lessons), the coach or instructor was a bully or poor role model, if there was bullying between team members that wasn't dealt with - those are all good reasons for abandoning an activity.

If they just decided they didn't like it, I'm less inclined to indulge the whim to stop. If they wanted to stay home because they realized they were missing their favourite tv show or playing with a neighbour etc., again, I'd be less inclined to indulge the whim. Something in the middle - e.g. a personality conflict with a coach or another player or there were aspect they didn't like (they don't like practicing scales or they don't want to run dribbling drills in soccer) we'd try to work it out. It's a good learning opportunity on how to negotiate a situation that isn't ideal, and to manage the negative aspects in order to enjoy positive aspects of an activity.

Second factor - the kind of activity. If it's a team sport and there's a short roster, I'd encourage them to stick it out. A team without enough players may have to forfeit games. Last month, DD's drama production was in a tailspin when one of the leads pulled out a couple of weeks before opening night. Quitting on yourself is one thing, but quitting on everyone else is a different order of magnitude.

If the child is frustrated because the activity requires some building of skills before real progress is made (eg. learning hand and finger placement and notes before you can play a musical instrument well, or skating and stick-handling before you can play hockey well), then we'd work on expectations and perserverance instead of just giving up. If it was overwhelmingly frustrating and there was no way to engage the child and demonstrate that they are making progress (very rare, IME), putting aside the activity for a year or so may be best.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by ollyoxenfree

There are a couple of factors that I would consider. You've said that it's an activity that the child asked to do. Before they started, I would have discussed the concept of commitment and the responsible use of family resources (sign up fees, passing on other activities we might have wanted to register for).

First factor - their (or my) reasons for quitting. If there were safety hazards (e.g. poorly supervised swimming lessons), the coach or instructor was a bully or poor role model, if there was bullying between team members that wasn't dealt with - those are all good reasons for abandoning an activity.

If they just decided they didn't like it, I'm less inclined to indulge the whim to stop. If they wanted to stay home because they realized they were missing their favourite tv show or playing with a neighbour etc., again, I'd be less inclined to indulge the whim. Something in the middle - e.g. a personality conflict with a coach or another player or there were aspect they didn't like (they don't like practicing scales or they don't want to run dribbling drills in soccer) we'd try to work it out. It's a good learning opportunity on how to negotiate a situation that isn't ideal, and to manage the negative aspects in order to enjoy positive aspects of an activity.

Second factor - the kind of activity. If it's a team sport and there's a short roster, I'd encourage them to stick it out. A team without enough players may have to forfeit games. Last month, DD's drama production was in a tailspin when one of the leads pulled out a couple of weeks before opening night. Quitting on yourself is one thing, but quitting on everyone else is a different order of magnitude.

If the child is frustrated because the activity requires some building of skills before real progress is made (eg. learning hand and finger placement and notes before you can play a musical instrument well, or skating and stick-handling before you can play hockey well), then we'd work on expectations and perserverance instead of just giving up. If it was overwhelmingly frustrating and there was no way to engage the child and demonstrate that they are making progress (very rare, IME), putting aside the activity for a year or so may be best.

This!

Plus, I'd consider the age of the child. A three year old is going to have less understanding of a commitment than a nine year old.

My DS would like to quit aikido. However, we paid in advance for weekly classes til November (you had to pay six months in advance). After the trial lesson, when DS was super enthusiastic about it, I did explain what the commitment would mean. He's seven, so I think he's old enough to get it. About a month into, he doesn't want to go anymore.

I obviously won't sign him up for new classes in November, but I'm not letting him stop going. I have tried getting to the root of the problem. Part of it is that he's a bit lazy and doesn't want to go anywhere on Saturday mornings (fair enough) and part of it is that there's a lot of repetition. I'm going to talk to the instructor about it, but I also think that's just part of learning some of the movements/skills. I do try to play up all the positive aspects of it and acknowledge his feelings. At any rate, at his age, and after our explanation before we committed ourselves, I don't think it will be doing him any favors to let him quit.

[happysmileylady]

For the most part, it depends on the situation. Older child, team sport, already paid for a full season, those types of things mean you finish out the season/class.

If it's a younger child, a free activity, something individual or that you just show up for, that is more likely to be something that can be quit whenever.

Also, something that was said to me when I was struggling with BF-don't quit when you are having a bad day. And that makes a lot of sense to me, it's something I think I want to teach my children. You don't just give up because you have had one bad day/pass/game/lesson/class etc etc. You stop and think about it once you have calmed down, so you aren't making a decision based on the emotions alone. Obviously this is something that needs to take into account the age of the child and the activity involved.

Some other things to consider are what I as the parent believe the child will learn or what benefits the child will get, and just how badly the child actually wants to quit.

[ollyoxenfree]

One more thought - when is the child saying s/he wants to quit? Is it before you head out the door or is it during the activity or shortly after?

Some children have trouble with transitions. If s/he is engrossed in something else, it can be difficult to stop that activity and move on to something else. If the request to skip the activity comes when it's time to get ready and go, I'd consider whether it was a transitioning issue.

If they seem to enjoy the activity once they get there, then I'd work on the transitions. Clearly set out the schedule for the day, give lots of warnings that s/he needs to get ready to go, use a timer and alarm if it helps to signal when to go...

[One_Girl]

We stick with activities for a season, especially if they are things that my dd asked to do. If there was something going on like a truly mean teacher I would reassess that, but if she just doesn't want to go because she doesn't feel like it I don't change my mind. She spends quite a bit of time telling me she is bored until we are just about to go do something so I am not willing to put something off that she enjoys once she is there and afterwards.

[GuildJenn]

This works for the "reluctance to go to activity but happy when there" bit, for us. I just tell my son he doesn't have to do the class, but he does have to go and tell the instructor himself (with me) that he isn't going to do it. So far, seeing the other kids and being there has changed his mind.

After about age 7 I think I would require that they finish the term, unless there was a hugely mitigating factor.

[Oh the Irony]

Originally Posted by DariusMom

This!
My DS would like to quit aikido. However, we paid in advance for weekly classes til November (you had to pay six months in advance).

I think that is just ridiculous. The pre-paid contract I mean.

I took aikido for years and loved it. Reputable dojos don't charge 6 months in advance. That's a total scam. It should be month to month.

I would RUN in the other direction if a dojo told me that.

As a parent, I also wouldn't pay that for an unknown activity. Too stressful for the child, goes against my sense of right and wrong and just rubs me the wrong way.

Seven is still very young to have a sense of what 6 months really means.

[bobandjess99]

I generally Do make dd complete her commitment. She is 5 and has been going to lessons since she was 2, and she understands that if she asks to go, mommy pays money and she needs to go. BUT...our sessions are generally 6 weeks long, 1 class per week, so it's not a huge deal if she decides halfway through she doesn't like it, she just has to suck up maybe 3 more classes. Now, I DID let her quit swimming after only a few classes, because she HATED it and was terrified. It was not " i don't like this, it's boring, I'm tired, it's too hard, etc" it was complete and utter terror "mommy please don't make me go back". And I agreed that the style and approach of the classes was completely wrong for her and we stopped going. So..ya, i just use judgement. But I don't want her to think she can just quit whenever, because I don't think that's a good life lesson, and on the flip side, I also don't want her thinking she must ALWAYS finish, no matter what, if it is a TRULY bad situation.

[DariusMom]

Originally Posted by Oh the Irony

I think that is just ridiculous. The pre-paid contract I mean.

I took aikido for years and loved it. Reputable dojos don't charge 6 months in advance. That's a total scam. It should be month to month.

I would RUN in the other direction if a dojo told me that.

As a parent, I also wouldn't pay that for an unknown activity. Too stressful for the child, goes against my sense of right and wrong and just rubs me the wrong way.

Seven is still very young to have a sense of what 6 months really means.

i don't live in the US. *all* lessons for kids (swimming, dance, art, martial arts of all sorts) not to mention gyms/fitness centers + yoga lessons, etc. for adults do this. Truly. The only time there was a monthly option was for little toddlers doing dance classes. It's just the way this society works and it's frustrating but very hard to change, and if we didn't go along with it, DS would never be involved in any classes/sports/activities.

I don't think seven is too young to understand a six month commitment, especially because we explained that the six months would be over after grandmother came to visit and after he had done x, y, and z and school and after his best friend's birthday.

I'm not sure if you were addressing me in your post re: the unknown activity, but aikido wasn't an unknown activity to DS. We researched it together and he went to two dojos for free trials lessons. I think my post mentioned the trial lessons. If you were addressing other people, then, yes, I agree. I think a couple of trial lessons or time spent observing and/or researching an activity is really important.

I'm comfortable with our choice to not let him quit til November.

[VisionaryMom]

We have not yet allowed either child to quit an activity. I would not let them quit a team sport unless there were serious safety issues. As for individual activities (piano, etc.), we agree to a time frame to see how much we like something. Quitting something like piano after a month doesn't give enough time to know whether you like it, imo.

[peaceful_mama]

We haven't signed up for anything with a "commitment" yet, DS is only going into K.

But...if I did...I think a team sport, I would make him finish it out, that's part of being on the team. And then we would talk about what he didn't like about it before we signed up for anything else team-sport-related. (for example, "remember when you didn't want to go and play T-ball on the cold, cloudy days? Soccer is also played outside and that might happen again. then the decision is up to him and i would hold him to it. And if we quit for some other reason, "Do you want to try soccer again? You'll have a different coach...the bully kid won't be on your team...whatever.)

Unless there was stuff going on like a 'bad coach' or parents who yell garbage from the sidelines and that isn't dealt with...bullying teammate not dealt with. Yeah, they do have to learn to get along with people, but there comes a point where it's perfectly OK to not accept certain treatment.

A musical instrument---that's a major money commitment usually. So...there would be a major discussion of how you will spend time at first learning how to do things like play scales and really simple songs--you don't just pick up a guitar, for example, and know how to play like your favorite band's player in a couple lessons. (usually) It *will* get boring. But the ONLY way to get better is to practice it and keep at it.
So...there would be no quitting of musical instrument for a couple of years minimum. (My friend did some sort of payment plan with a violin--she's probably about done paying for it now, child has been playing it for 3 years. They sized up violins every so often and at the end, she owns a full-size violin. I think the deal was no quitting till the violin was bought. Child *did* get bored and want to switch to band in the beginning. It wasn't allowed. Child now has been to one summer of International Music camp and is going back this year, and is going on 4th year of school orchestra.) Even with a teacher conflict, I'd find a new teacher.

I just would not sign a child probably under the age of 10 up for something with a commitment of more than a few weeks, that absolutely relied on them to be a part of the activity, and/or required a payment. I just don't think they're old enough to understand what they are commiting to before then.

[peaceful_mama]

Now, here is a question for you. DS's school next year is offering a one day a week "enrichment" foreign-language class after school. (they get out early one day, this takes up the time between that early dismissal and 'normal' dismissal time.)

They had a parent meeting, and i know that this class will be full and probably have a waiting list.

It is $50 for the yr. He is in kindergarten. (So I really don't expect him to have a concept of what it is to commit to a whole school year of an activity.)

I don't know what would happen if somebody were to quit. I don't know if they could just let somebody in during the year, or if they would have to wait till next year or something, because they would have missed the first lessons.
That is obviously a question I would want answered.

gut instinct says he will enjoy the class...but there is always a chance that's not the case...

and as far as "personality conflict" type issues go, I think 5-6 is also awfully young for them to have to learn to tough it out for the year. (I'm talking serious and ongoing stuff.)

Do I go ahead and sign him up? I really think it would be an awesome opportunity and he would have fun---also if he's in this year, he's in for all years, from my understanding...meaning when they add more languages, he could switch, all of that. And I think it will be fine, good teacher, fun, all of that.
But...I also do not want to force it if I'm wrong--I mean if it is beyond something like not wanting to stay because he could be home watching a favorite show or something like that, that is why I have a DVR.
And he is only 5, I wouldn't even begin to expect him to understand a year-long commitment.

would you do it? (he is pretty interested in other languages and says he wants to do it even if this particular language is not his first choice. They are talking about eventually having more teachers and more languages...so eventually, from my understanding, he would have first option to switch when they do add his first-pick language.)