How to get ds to stop hurting his sister??

[kdescalzi]

I have tried everything I can think of. ALL DAY LONG he hurts her, sometimes by accident but usually on purpose. He is such a sweetheart and I truly believe he is acting out of jealousy. Today was a bad day and I got very rough with ds screaming at him to stop hurting his sister. I feel like mommy the monster!! The only way to get through to him is if I blow up and he really cries...how awful is that? Redirecting, repeating, getting at his level and firmly telling him what is acceptable and what is not is simply not working. I literally spend my day trying to head off her crying about something he has done. He hits her with his toys, knocks her over constently, kicks her, and is overall too rough and mean. What can I do?? I need some kind of gentle approach to deal with this. DH has had it with ds and feels we need to be more firm!! Please help before we get into the dreaded spanking argument again! (Ds is 3.5 yrs and DD is 1yr.)

[terribeari]

Sounds like how my days have been going lately. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and an 11 month old daughter and ever since she became really mobile, he has been so unkind to her. This is actually what I was going to post about today, maybe we both can get some ideas. Good luck

[mamaluvs]

Originally Posted by terribeari

Sounds like how my days have been going lately. I have a 2 1/2 year old son and an 11 month old daughter and ever since she became really mobile, he has been so unkind to her. This is actually what I was going to post about today, maybe we both can get some ideas. Good luck

I've been thinking about posting about this problem too. My DD is almost 3 and my DS is 8 months. I've been doing the redirecting, gentle touch, lots of explaining why we don't hit etc. We've tried "taking breaks" from playing, we've tried DS and myself getting up and leaving the room. Nothing works and we've been doing this since DS was born. I too am tired of this and lately find myself blowing up at DD-it's like the OP said, the only time she even has an inkling about how upset I am is when I've yelled at her directly in her face. Then I hate myself for being such a bad parent and scaring her but in the moment it feels like all I can do. I can't stand watching my baby get hurt and anymore! So anyway, I'm looking for some advice too. Glad we aren't alone in this.

[littlehoneybee]

[philomom]

Can he do some summer preschool? He may need some time away from her every day before he can act brotherly to her.

More outdoor play? A trampoline? Swim lessons? Something to help curb his energy levels.

[lolar2]

My cousin just had to keep her kids apart as much as possible and stay physically between them until the older one was about 6 years old. Nothing else she did worked.

[RiverSky]

Can you get out of the house more? I had my DD when DS was 2 1/2 and it wasn't long before I had a first, the first time I'd ever screamed or felt negative toward DS EVER, because he tried to hit DD in her bassinet. It was definitely jealously and just toddler-trying-to-gain-control-and-not-understand-consequences-limited-empathy sort of thing, but still!

Anyway, I found the best ways were to take long, long walks every day with baby in a stroller (or carrier) and while baby slept, I had time to focus just on DS having fun.

Do you belong to a moms club? Can you join one and start going to every one of their activities? Do you go to library story times? I think the busier and more wonderful you keep your son's life, the less time he will have to feel sleighted and like he is missing out due to his baby sister. If he ends up with plenty of down time at home, wishing it was just he and you again, then that is when he will find time to take it out on his sister.

Also, just a thought, but does he watch TV or videos? When my DS was about 3, DH got the bright idea to show him his first Disney video and he chose Hercules. Oh my! It took maybe an hour after the video before I found DS trying to "kill the monster" just like Hercules by taking a large toy and swinging it toward his baby sister. I stopped the swing and I think my upset was enough to dissuade DS from trying that again for a while, but at that point, we banned Disney videos for at least 2 more years. Is it possible that your son is acting out some behaviors that he has seen somewhere?

[bonamarq]

Ahhh, this is why I only have one child! I know that's NOT HELPFUL - but honestly, it's going to be rough for a while - the PP that said keep ds busy is the most practical thing you can do - what's that quote about idle hands?

and I would read siblings without rivalry - by faber and mazlish(sp?) the ones that wrote how to talk so kids will listen... really helps you empathize with ds and all that he's going through...

I have friends that found the more they were out in public the better the older sib treated the younger one...

good luck and try and get yourself as much support as you can....

[mom2grrls]

he probably is jealous b/c now she can get his stuff. Can you spend some one on one time with him each day? Give him a special box to put items in that his sister cannot touch?

[kdescalzi]

Thank you for all the replies. In response to all the good questions I would like to say that I keep ds very busy. We go for bike rides with our dogs everyday. We play at the park and spend tons of time digging in the garden or sandbox/playing soccer in the yard etc. We hang out at other friends houses to play with different toys. Today we spent the day at my girlfriends house and the boys jumped on the tramp and ran around all day...not to mention the 2 hours we ran around the beach exploring!!. Needless to say, I keep him busy. Even on rainy days we do puzzles, play in the sink, paint, color, bake, ect. We are always doing something. I just started to put dd in her crib for naps (she used to nap in the ergo) so that I could have some one on one time with ds....I definately think he was craving time without her. She is super clingy to me and I think he simply gets annoyed that she is always right there attached to me. I do not let him watch any violent movies and this includes disney. The only movies he watches are Tinkerbell, WallE, and My neighbor Totoro. I do not allow any tv without my supervision. So, all in all I believe I have been doing my best to raise a kind, gentle, empathetic little boy, but lately I feel I am failing. Today he was just so nasty...when I tried to sit and talk to him he told me he just wants to be mean I do not know where this is coming from. I do know that I am only patient for so long and then I blow up...not appropriate, but at the time, its all I have left to resort to. Keep any good tips or comments coming....I am eagerly awaiting. TIA

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by kdescalzi

I do not know where this is coming from.

You do know it's normal for siblings to fight, right? Are you an only child? I mean, the fact that it's normal doesn't make it fun and doesn't mean you should permit it, but it's coming from the fact that they are siblings and he is still pretty young.