Skin crawling when simultaneous tandem nursing

[To-Fu]

My newest nursling is 3 weeks old and my older nursling is 28mo. I really wanted to nurse them simultaneously, but I find that when I do, it makes my skin crawl. I become angry and disgusted, which makes me snap at the toddler.

I've read AiTN and really thought I'd love nursing both my babies together, so I'm surprised and crushed. When they are both nursing, I feel vulnerable, weirded out by sexual feelings that try to creep in, and a total loss of bodily autonomy (like I'm a dairy cow or something). It doesn't feel motherly or sweet like I thought it would.

To make matters worse, my toddler is nursing as much as the newborn and becomes inconsolable/incoherent if asked to wait or read/snuggle/snack instead. My plan was always to let him have unrestricted BFing access b/c I figured if I tried to limit it, he would become more insecure and distraught. But now I find myself wishing I could just nurse them one at a time. When I do that--regardless of which one I'm nursing--it feels tender and I actually enjoy it.

Anyone else ever have these strange mixed feelings about tandem nursing? How did you navigate them with a sensitive toddler in the mix? Help!

[To-Fu]

[pbjmama]

I never liked nursing both of mine at once, only did it a few times. I would just do fun/distraction stuff and have them take turns. I would emphasize my ds gets a turn to dd who was the baby. Or if it wasn't his turn here is his big boy snack his sister can't have, the fun book he got to choose, etc. He is super sensitive but I acted like it was normal to take turns and he was fine with it. I also offered cuddles or laying on my tummy while she nursed.