Flower girl / ring bearer questions. . . - UPDATE

[Alison's Mom]

My cousin is getting married this summer and his fiancee asked if DD and DS would be her flower girl and ring bearer. DD went through a phase maybe 18 months ago where she was obssessed with weddings, so I thought she'd jumpt at the chance. Turns out she wasn't so sure at the beginning, but when I mentioned the tiara the bride wanted her to wear, she enthusiastically agreed.

DS will be almost 4 at the wedding, but I'm not sure how to convince him to do it (or if I should try at all). I think it's a fun experience for kids to do this, and something they'll remember, through beautiful photos if nothing else. The problem is that he changes his mind every 5 minutes, and is pretty, well, stubborn, sometimes over things that he knows nothing about. Like he'll insist there's an orange dinosaur that is still alive that is bigger than the sun, or something else that he made up himself, but firmly believes is true.

When I first mentioned this, he said 'I don't want to wear a suit!' He doesn't know what a suit is! The bride has said that she's pretty relaxed about the whole thing and knows what kids are like, so if they suddenly balk at the last minute, she won't freak out (and I believe her).

Any ideas to convince a shark, truck, dinosaur, woodbug-loving boy to be part of a wedding? This is a kid who can spend hours outside playing happily, and would be content for a long time with a roll of tape, an old cardboard box and some pipe cleaners. I'm considering bribery, but hesitating. . . .

[Oubliette8]

I wonder, if he thinks weddings are all girly and no fun, would it help to have your cousin talk to him man to man? I'm sure he could put a spin on it that would make being a ring bearer sound like a very important and masculine job. If its a special request from his cousin, maybe he'd be more enthusiastic, than if it was all the girls fawning of him. And, it might make the nice beginnings of a teachable moment to have his male cousin express how men feel about weddings.

[Red Pajama]

It might help too if he didn't have to walk down the aisle alone. My kids are in a wedding at the end of the month-- so I have yet to see how it really goes!
Good luck

[4evermom]

I'd probably not talk too much about it in advance. That just gives him the time and opportunity to dig his heels in with no face-saving way to agree to do it later. Get a cute comfortable outfit for him. I put my ds in what was essentially a dressy t-shirt. The fabric was slubbed like silk and it had buttons. My ds does not do uncomfortable clothes. If I manage to get them on him, he ends up acting cranky. Anyway, this was because all his female cousins were being flower girls and we didn't know if he'd feel left out and want to walk with them.

I'd take your ds to the rehearsal, send him up with his sister to make sure he knows where to go. Then the day of the wedding, let him go or not. The best man can have the real ring and ds can have a fake one. Then it won't matter what happens last minute.

[lyterae]

My dd was in a wedding last year and they had a little boy who was the ring bearer ( a year or so older than dd) and his job was to carry the rings which were in a really cool lantern and to keep pace with DD going down the aisle.

[Alison's Mom]

Thanks for the responses!

Yes, I agree that comfortable clothes would be key. I'm going to ask the bride if he can just wear a button up dress shirt with a pair of khaki pants instead of an actual suit - it'll be august and probably hot!!

Also, yes, couching it as an important job would be good, too. I think I might do something like add a small shark or train toy that we could tie to the pillow so that we could say 'they want to have a shark at their wedding, so it's your job to bring it on the special shark pillow'?

Yeah, he and his sister can hold hands, or the bride has said that if needs me to walk up with him, that's OK too.

The man to man talk with my cousin is a good idea, too. He doesn't know this cousin *that* well, and it might work better to have the talk from daddy.

My just turned one yr old nephew was the ring bearer at our wedding, and it was so hot that he wasn't wearing any pants - just a diaper, and it was so cute.

[Aquitane]

At my cousin's wedding DD was 3 and a half and she did great as the flower girl. She was very into the whole wedding. She actually called it "her" wedding.

The ring bearer was 4 and he refused to walk down the aisle and get any pictures taken. And that was okay. As long as the bride and groom aren't going to freak out, just make it as casual and easy as possible.

(The ring bearer's parents at first started to "force" him to get pictures, but it was just so pointless that the bride and groom to them not to worry!)

Maybe it's a boy/girl thing, who knows? My son was an usher at the same wedding, and he was 8 and he didn't really care about the whole thing either. The only thing he was excited about was getting to drink pop at the reception!

[Alison's Mom]

Yes, trying to force my DS to do anything would surely backfire. I think at that point, I would shamefully resort to bribery, but use wording such that it didn't really sound like bribery! "Did you know that after we do photos, you get to have a cupcake?"

[Mrs.Burke]

your kids would do fine at the wedding. my daughter when she was 2 y/o was all out to the idea but her gown turned out to be itchy on some part that she was already backing out minutes before the wedding. i bargained with her i would buy her favorite ice cream if she walked alone and gracefully at the wedding and she did it.

[Alison's Mom]

Glad to hear it worked out with your DD!

[notneb]

DS was recently the ringbearer at my brother's wedding. We spun it to him as a very important and grown up job for him to do to help his uncle.

It also helped that DH and 2 of my other brothers were groomsmen - DS was really excited to wear matching clothes (they all wore tuxes) and do something similar to what his dad and uncles were doing.

[leighi123]

Ds will be a 'ring bear' in october. He thinks he gets to dress up as a bear!

Other than telling him he will be in the wedding, I havent said anything else to him about it. So we will see how it goes, he is easy going so should be fine.

[just_lily]

I love hearing everyone's experiences. We are getting married in two weeks, and our not-quite-2yo will be our flower girl - no ring bearer. I am planning on just opening up the back doors of the church and telling her to go get Daddy. I think she will either run down the aisle to him, or want me to carry her! Our ceremony is at our chuch so she is comfortable there, so hopefully it will all work out.

We were thinking of having her carry the rings somehow, but I am afraid she may not want to give them up when the time comes. We are having a casual wedding and I am ok with her running around and being loud, I just want to avoid her laying on the ground and having a temper fit!!

[Alison's Mom]

Originally Posted by leighi123

Ds will be a 'ring bear' in october. He thinks he gets to dress up as a bear!

That's too cute!

Thanks for all the responses, everyone! Hopefully I'll have a good update after the actual day. . . .

[MissMaegie'sMama]

My DS was 5 when my brother-in-law and his fiance asked him to be the ring bearer in their wedding. They gave him a book called "The Ring Bearer," which convinced him that being the ring bearer was a very, very, very important job that only he could perform with the skill his uncle and aunt-to-be required.

ETA: I think it's customary for the ring bearer and flower girl to receive a wedding party gift from the couple, so perhaps that could be the carrot you could dangle in front of your DS to get him to agree to do the job... maybe?

[Ellp]

Hi

My Dds were 4.5 and just turned 2 when they were flower girls at my male cousin's wedding last September. They did just fine.

What really helped was that I didn't make a big deal over it, just saying that so and so are getting married and we have to help them. We each had jobs and theirs was to do "x". Then I left the topic alone till it was time to do the dress rehersal(sp?) a few months later.

At the dress rehersal we went through the whole process and I brought extra snacks and goodies to make their association of the wedding fun.

What the justice of the peace said that really helped was to have certain people the kids were familiar with stationed at strategic points along the aisle. My mum was at the beginning of the aisle, Dh was in the middle and I was at the end. The kids were to enter the room together, find my mom who would then tell them to walk down the aisle to find Dh, who then told them to find me. That broke up the long walk into simple steps.

The kids did brilliantly and aside from Dd#2 who was really confused as to why she shouldn't pick up the tossed flower petals that her sister was "making a mess" with (we didn't use them at the dress rehersal), there weren't any mishaps.: I had to tell her that this was the one day they didn't have to pick up their toys (flower petals)!

Oh, and bring little quiet toys or snacks to entertain them with during the vows. The wedding vows for this wedding took 30 minutes but by then kids were pretty fidgety.

[Tizzy]

My boys were recently in my cousin's wedding as ring bearers and I really wasn't sure how it would go.
In the end, DS2 didn't do too much besides look cute He's just 2yrs old.
But DS1 was great! I got him excited about the event by telling him he would get to dress up like a pengiun - so he was really excited to wear his tuxedo.
Then for the actual wedding bit, I explained it to him that he was "Helping E." at her wedding - he loves to help and loves it when people tell him thank you, so that was a great encouragement. Plus there was the promise of the party complete with cake afterwards which is of course a huge hit for a 3.5yr old with a sweet tooth.

And for back up, I gave them a very small candy once they came up the aisle - DH sent them up, I was sitting at the front and was able to encourage them to walk up.
During the vows, they just sat with DH and I, everyone at the wedding had been given little jars of bubbles to blow (it was outdoors) so this went over really well with the kids - plus the service was nice and short, and relaxed.

[Alison's Mom]

Great tips, everyone - Thanks! Good to see you on here, Ellp. Too funny about S trying to clean up E's flower petals!

[Alison's Mom]

Ahhhh, so the wedding was today, and I couldn't have asked for the two kids to behave better than they did.

DS had no issue with his outfit (which we showed him earlier, and it helped that DH was wearing almost the same thing), and walked down the aisle with his sister perfectly. It was pouring rain for an outdoor wedding, but everything worked out fine.

They even cooperated for photos later - yay! We left at almost 10, and they are now asleep, and I can relax.