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getting another kid! in shock/numb

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
I'm a mother to a 2yr4mo. old little boy who is the light of my life. My step-daughter, who just turned 12, has been living out-of-state with her mom for the summer but has been living with us full-time for 3 years. I just found out for sure, after it being mentioned a week ago, that it is 99% positive her younger brother, who is 9, is moving in with us at the end of the summer. The reason being is he hates his school in the small town in IN where his mom and step-dad live, and has heard about how much his big sister loves her school here in Nor- Cal. He also wants to live with us for awhile and spend some time with his dad, who he has never lived with in a time he can remember. All of that is positive.

Here is the negative: I am already overwelmed. I have been slowly wondering if i should have my own place with just my 2 year old. I have some health needs that need to be addressed and a low- tolerance for stress and some needs for healing from the last few years. My 2 year old seems to be acting out of stress in reaction to the tension between his father and i, and just in general how he is interacted with by his father.

DH is a wonderful amazing soul, a heart of gold, but also has a severe temper and lots of unresolved issues, and some pretty major mental health issues. The last few months have been great but there have been times, when he has been either angry and verbally abusive to me/the kids, or just not thinking clearly, or even so bad as to be paranoid or psychotic. It is mild enough he has held down a job for the past few years and is their best employee, but it can be unendurable at times for me, especially with my child being exposed to it.

The good times, which are most of the time lately, he is busy, goes to work and school, cleans up around the house and cooks, and is loving, though often is short on time and patience with the toddler. I have considered being a single mom just for sake of the peace and drama-free living, but find it hard to figure out what is best for DH, for my son, DH's kids, and my financhial situation.

I have a disabling auto-immune disease which means i am legally disabled. I still work hard- usually as a nanny or doula, but for almost two months i have been off work to get some health issues in order. i need to lose some weight, which is a big job, and pretty serious as i have recently been diagnosed with diabetes and am just now learning how to manage it. i feel like i am often so overwelmed with household drama that taking care of myself is often forgotten. my desk is piled up with work and neglected bills, etc ( i am a resident manager) and i feel like i walk around in a fog most of the time.

The news of my SS coming seems to leave me feeling numb. I feel super calm. I know it will be very difficult and demand a lot from me and stress us all out further. I don't seem to be feeling my usual anxiety- in fact i feel a deep calm. I wonder if i am being too passive but i don't really know what i can do in this situation. I feel like SD moved in in a similar manner- i found out she was coming, was numb, and then resented it for years.

My biggest concerns are money- we are already strapped as it is, the mental health of DH, my physical and mental health, and the well-being of my little boy who is very sensitive to everything. The other kids were raised with yelling, spanking, violent movies, insults, video games, etc and we are trying to do things very differently- attachment parenting/gentle discipline, though sometimes it feels like just me, trying to hold back a flood. The more there is around of their original family, the more isolated i feel- the more difficult to be a part of how things go.

This summer Dh and i have really reconnected. We pretty much stopped talking after SD moved in as we had no time to ourselves, and she went to be later than i did, and we were sensitive about her jealousy. Years of resentments piled up. I finally feel reconnected to my husband and i feel like we are both going to be so busy, so put upon, that we will lose that. He will be working more hours so we can rent a bigger place, and will be in school. I don't feel like i can work, as i need to be here to take kids to-from school, and watch them while DH is gone. I have chosen to be a SAHM for the most part anyway, to live a slow, relaxed, more health-full life, but i think it is going to be a bit more hectic, and dealing with a very limited budget, i am feeling like i am saying goodbye to things i enjoy: our rare eating out, dates, bellydance lessons, special holidays and birthdays, coffee out with friends, etc.

I am considering watching another toddler or more to help make ends meet. anyways, i'm very tired and rambly, just trying to get some of my thoughts out. might be posting on here a lot. thanks for listening.
post #2 of 3
Hi Mama,

I didn't get to read your whole post because I am rushing out the door but I totally feel for you and wanted to reply. What caught my attention is I too am battling health issues. I am in the process of being diagnosed with Lupus and it's rough. I am not in the same situation as you family-wise but I know how stress can affect your health. I think the best thing you can do for yourself is take care of your health. A healthy mom is able to take care of children. Though with autoimmune you never feel healthy, eliminating stress can do wonders.

Possibly making a plan for when the other child comes could eliminate stress. Do they listen to your rules? Are you a mother figure? Or do they only listen to their father? Maybe letting them know how you feel (health-wise) and setting specific house hold rules for each child could eliminate stress. I don't know if there are behavioral issues or if it's the mere fact of too many children in the house but I am just thinking of suggestions. I know structure helps me a lot... although it's hard to have structure when you don't feel good.

Maybe moving out would be best for you...it's something you really have to think through and know is right. Will the move-out break-up you and DH? And do you want this? This is a very difficult situation. I'm so sorry Mama

You could also try living with this new child and if it is absolutely not working out... try to find your own place.

You can PM me anytime you want to talk about health issues
post #3 of 3
Hi Bonnie,

I'm sorry - it sounds like you're in a really tough situation. I hear a lot of different concerns in your post: being stressed at having child in the house, having to deal with different discipline styles, adding to your workload, the amount of time you'll get to spend with your husband. It's hard to pick all of these apart, but what is it that you really want? Living alone with your toddler isn't going to bring you closer to your husband, and how will that work if money is already tight? It might be helpful for you to decide whether you want to be with your husband regardless of what happens with his children. If you do want to be with your husband, talk to him. Do you have a say in whether his son comes to live with you full-time? This should be negotiated between the two of you, not something that just happens to you.

I don't know what else to say, except that it sounds tough. I hope you're able to find a good solution, or make peace with the situation.
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