Being Single through post-partum...

[Phoenix~Mama]

Running into some scary road blocks, and wondering what some of you did?

I'm thinking of how I'm going to rest and heal being single, and having to take care of myself, a newborn and an almost 2 year old...

I have fibromyalgia... it flared big time after the birth of DD, and nursing round the clock every two hours for months... I was a wreck. I can't imagine trying to take care of another kid and be by myself this time around. Even STBX helped with making sure there was food around to eat...

My Mom will be around some, but she is having trouble getting time off of work. They are telling her she can't take FMLA time for me because I'm an independent child and she can only get FMLA leave for children under 18, her parents, or spouse.

This is so mind boggling, just because I'm an independent doesn't mean I'm superwoman!! Yikes!

My Mom plans on taking DD to daycare for a few hours each day so I can try to get some rest that way... but then I'd have to pick her up... packing up a newborn and driving while terribly sleep deprived and in a fibro flare does not sound like a good idea to me...

I'm scared...

[Gimme Pineapple]

You are going to need more support than that. I had to have an emergency c-section so I was recovering for a few weeks. Between crazy hormones, lack of sleep, and general healthiness being down, I would not have survived without my mom. I also didn't have other children that needed to be cared for.

Are you in a position where you can hire a postpartum doula? I am assuming you don't have any other support because it wasn't mentioned. If so, maybe friends that would bring you meals or take your daughter for play dates?

Good luck. I know it's hard.

[Chantelle691]

Where are you in PA, Jsma?

[Phoenix~Mama]

The Lehigh Valley... about 1.5 - 2 hours north of Philly depending on area/traffic etc.

I do have a couple of friends that may be able to come over for a couple hours here and there. One woman I met through my birth group lives close and she is a SAHM, and I plan on asking her if she doesn't mind coming over a couple times.

My other friend Mark may be able to come over around dinner time for a couple hours some days.

But yeah... there just isn't much coverage, and I'm mainly worried about the first week or two at least to not be totally by myself for long stretches of time.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

One thing I would say is expect the unexpected, and I mean that in a good way. Granted I do not have fibro, I was scared SH*TLESS about being home alone with a newborn and a 14 month old all the time. My husband was working 70 hour weeks, and I was doing ALL The nightime parenting. My mom and MIL were around as much as they could be, but they both also worked full time. My mother was completly out of vaca time.

Really, it wasnt that bad. The kids sort of fell into a groove right along with me. Everything flowed for a while. Sometimes, life just have a way of working itself out.

All I am saying is, I know how scared and usure you feel, I was there, and in my situation, it wasnt nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be.

[Chantelle691]

What about a neighbor who might have a preteen girl you could pay to play with your older daughter for a few hours a day?

[Avani]

Try not to be scared, building up anxieties and fears about the unknown isn't going to do you any good. Being prepared is a great idea though. Many doula's work for free at the beginning of their career so that they can get their mandatory experience before getting certified. I would search for one that would be willing to do some postpartum help with you. enlist neighbors etc. Start building up a stash of foods for your freezer. I birthed my baby at home with a midwife and two hours after birthing i was home alone with five young children and a newborn. No help. Alone. Somehow i just survived. I just didnt have the means or support for help. I took it day by day.

[sparklefairy]

Why can't your mom pick your dd up too?
I like the "freezer stash" idea.
Ask for gift certificates for take out, house cleaning, post partum doula time in lieu of baby gifts? (As you likely have everything you need from your first baby.) You can also order groceries online and have them delivered in some places, usually for $5-10 a trip, I think.
I know that one thing a birth group here does is organizes meals for families with new babies, health crises, etc. Perhaps if you start something like that now (in your copious free time, of course) then it will be establish and there for you when you need it.

You can do this! It won't be ideal or perfect and you're doing well to set up plans for help in advance, but it will work out once you get there.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by JSMa

My Mom will be around some, but she is having trouble getting time off of work. They are telling her she can't take FMLA time for me because I'm an independent child and she can only get FMLA leave for children under 18, her parents, or spouse.

This is NOT TRUE. Her company is giving her the runaround. My mom came to me when we thought I had PPD and stayed for a MONTH - and I was almost 25 and not dependent on her and my dad at all.

ETA - and, JSMa, you CAN do this! It may be stressful, it may not be perfect, your nearly 2yo DD may end up with some weird bedtimes and strange meals, but you and she, and new baby, will all be ok!! Just don't be afraid to ask for help. Start telling people now that you're going to need help, think about how much you will need, and send out a schedule by email. (Doodle polls seem to come to mind as a way for people to fill in when they are available. People can sign up and see when other people have already signed up)

Just be prepared, and I'm sure it won't be as bad as you think! Remember also, that your body knows whats happening now. It's not new anymore - people have said that recovering from the first baby is hardest b/c its new, this baby should be easier (I'm hoping for a super easy birth for you!)

[geekgolightly]

http://www.ppspublishers.com/article...t-children.htm

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by geekgolightly

http://www.ppspublishers.com/article...t-children.htm

The FMLA defines a child to include both children under 18 and those who are "18 years of age or older and incapable of self-care because of a mental or physical disability." Under the FMLA regulations, the term "incapable of self-care" means that the person needs daily assistance or supervision to provide daily self-care in three or more of the "activities of daily living" (ADLs) or "instrumental activities of daily living" (IADLs). The regulations further define ADLs to include caring for one’s grooming and hygiene, bathing, dressing, and eating. IADLs include cooking, cleaning, shopping, taking public transportation, and paying bills.

Sounds like if your mom wants to, she can fight this. It will be unpaid leave, but she will still have a job when she goes back.

[Phoenix~Mama]

Thanks everyone.

Thyra... who else should my Mom try to talk to? She went off on her HR person this morning. And her HR person was basically not helpful and told her she could take a leave of abscence but she would need to use all her vacation time first and she'd rather not use all the time she has scheduled for Christmas to be home with us unless she really has to. She really thought she could just take two weeks of FMLA.

[Storm Bride]

Okay - this is probably going to be tough. I won't lie. I haven't been a single mom post-partum, but I have had to deal with kids alone all day, post-partum/post-op, and it was intimidating as heck.

First: You will get through it. As with many things of this nature, anticipating it is the hardest part. Once you're in the thick of it, you just...do stuff. I'm not trying to dismiss your concerns at all, but you will get through it.

Second: Food. Stock up. Little stuff that you can snack on while nursing or hand to your dd (or that she can get for herself). Even if you have to sacrifice a little on the health front...stock up on granola bars (homemade if you have the time and resources to do that), frozen fruit, etc. When labour starts, get your mom or a friend (or you, if you can do it) to make sure you have some yogurt and fresh fruit and veggies in the house. Chop veggies while you labour. Hard boil a dozen eggs and stick them in the fridge. Then, you'll have them on hand for you and dd over the next few days/week.

Freeze some dinners. After Aaron, some of the local MDC tribe sent me 10 freezer meals - absolute life-savers! Have you tried posting to the local Tribe? Maybe somebody there could do a food train?

Third: Help. See if you can find a postpartum doula. If not, maybe there's a teenage girl who would be willing to be a mother's helper for a few hours a day. If you can find someone like that, you can use that time to take a nap and have a shower. Do not use it to do chores! REST!

Hopefully, your mom can get some time to help, but even if she can't get time off, she can come by after work. Figure out what you want her to do when she gets there. Even if it's just an hour of doing your laundry or taking your dd for a walk or something, it's a little less for you to deal with. And, get her to shop!! I have trouble asking for that, but it's huge. Someone else picking you up milk, eggs and veggies (or whatever perishables fit your diet) takes a lot of hassle out of life.

You can do this, mama. You're way stronger than you think you are. I wish I lived nearby so I could help out...

[RiverSky]

Have you joined a moms club in your area yet? Most moms club chapters have special things they do for every member who has a baby, like taking turns bringing supper to the family of the new baby for 5-10 days after the birth. That can be such a help! If you have time to actually get to know as many members as is possible, you can actually mention that you will really need some help for the first week and see if there are moms who would be willing to come over for 2 hours once(bringing their children probably) to help you with whatever you need. One time, we got up a collection for 2 hours of professional housekeeping for one of our new moms, too.

momsclub.org

[Phoenix~Mama]

I found another more recent site.. and unfortunately the whole caring for an impaired adult child thing under FMLA is very open to interpretation to each district.

I got the number for the Dept. of Labor and they directed me to my local district... who is conveniently out of the office all week and will be back next week. lol

The Dept. of Labor does state that they will help assess if FMLA should be granted in these types of cases, so it's a route I'm pursuing.

I'm just so tired that EVERYTHING in my life is some kind of battle. Like seriously, should it really be a question to care for your child, no matter what freakin age they are??

*marks another grievance mark in her LONG list against the US governement*

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by JSMa

Thanks everyone.

Thyra... who else should my Mom try to talk to? She went off on her HR person this morning. And her HR person was basically not helpful and told her she could take a leave of abscence but she would need to use all her vacation time first and she'd rather not use all the time she has scheduled for Christmas to be home with us unless she really has to. She really thought she could just take two weeks of FMLA.

Is your mom in a union? If so she needs to talk to her union rep.

As far as "up for interpretation" thats BS. All she needs is for your Dr. (or midwife, or SOMEONE with medical letters following their name, to fill something out that says YOU NEED HELP and can't take care of yourself. Fibro, newly pp, major flare-ups are common, SOMETHING like that will do. My mom did it. No biggie.

AND, my mom was required to use up her SICK LEAVE - not her vacation. So, she should check the companies policy book - using their own policies against them can be really satisfying sometimes.

So what she should do, is go back to HR, and say, "I need the FMLA forms. Here is the statute (look it up, print it out for her), this says that I'm entitled to FMLA and I need the proper forms to get filled out and given back to you. Thanks very much." She should not be mean, she should not go off, but she should not take no for an answer.

[just_lily]

Are you religious at all? Local churches can be huge sources of support. If you went to my church you would easily have an army of women at your door with dinner, retired women and SAHMs offering childcare, people cleaning your house and running errands, and donations of all kinds of items.

If you are at all interested in attending a church regularly, this is an angle I would seriously consider. I don't know too much about UU churches, but it is my understanding that you would be welcome there regardless of your spiritual beliefs if Christianity is not your thing.

[maeby]

could ex take dd to daycare and gma pick her up? or gma take her early in the morning and then ex pick her up on his way to work?

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by kristinekristine

could ex take dd to daycare and gma pick her up? or gma take her early in the morning and then ex pick her up on his way to work?

Hes moving to far away for daily help soon.

[Phoenix~Mama]

I did print out some things for Mom to take into HR and see where that goes...

I'm not holding my breath on help from ex. He will be DSD's afterschool care, and he needs to sleep at some point during the day so he can go to work at night and he will be 35 minutes away... it definitely won't be feasible for him to be around much, and I'm very okay with that.

I am a UU, but unfortunately the only UU church in my area is pretty small... and the couple services I attended there was actually no one even close to my age there, so it was very hard to feel connected and I stopped going.