Unconditional Parenting, getting Dad on board?

[BreatheMama]

Hi,

Mostly he is supportive of the Unconditional Parenting theory until our 4yr dd wont listen to him. In my opinion it's because what he is telling her to do is arbitrary or controlling and she doesn’t trust/respect what he says. Last night he was all worked up because he feels she has no consequences. Gently I suggested he just observe what and why he is asking her to do things or stop doing something. He agreed.

I'm home all day and have mostly taken the lead on things like this. We had originally tried warnings and timeouts that worked well. But I started to notice her drive for perfection and our acceptance basically saw the detriment of reward and punishment and withdraw of love. So dh and I agreed to try what I was reading about.

We talked to our dd about our new plan and that we would not be using timeouts or rewards anymore, and really we were going to focus on listen to her and working thing out. In general relating to dd, her stress/anxiety level and overall family peace has increased.

I think I may have just thought of an answer to my question, I think I may try a family meeting and get dd and dh and I together and talk?

Dh doesn’t read books, a couple things I have printed he has looked over. So we have been forming how we parent mostly from what I have been sharing with him. When we talk he is supportive, but when push comes to shove I see him frustrated because he doesn’t understand the philosophy. I think it really comes down to the ingrained way parenting has been viewed in the past, the control and manipulation. It's difficult to change that for some, for me it's the answer I'm so comfortable now it's a relief to practice Unconditional Parenting.

Anyone have some advice or input, thanks.

[St. Margaret]

there's a up dvd! nak but good luck!

[jumpmama]

i agree, try a DVD considering men are much more visual then women. Also, if you can get your DD to tell daddy that he scares her that could tug his heart strings a little maybe?

maybe spend a full day with him just watching how you deal with her and then he can try after he sees how it is working.

good luck.

[MariaMadly]

Would your DH be receptive to looking at the way he was treated in terms of UP? I mean using his own childhood as a compassionate, constructive starting point to relate a UP method of addressing a situation? This doesn't have to take the direction of what-did-they-do-wrong. If he feels it worked, then advance the UP as a positive way of meeting the same goals. If he feels it didn't work, then gently try to extract the probable good intent and find a way UP could have conveyed that.

Was also about to suggest audio book. Or to attend a presentation if you can.

[NellieKatz]

Maybe try and get him to clarify what his goal is:
--for her to obey him? (i.e. this is about him, his power, his feeling respected, his issues leftover from his childhood)
*OR*
--for her to love and trust him in the upcoming years when things can get really rough and having a parent she can go to (i.e. not a "disciplinarian" type) will help her stay away from some of the potential pitfalls out there (i.e. teen years: peer pressure, dealing with boys, the whole bit...I have read that having a strong relationship with a supportive dad helps a girl not get pressured into stuff by boys, to put it briefly...I can tell you by example that having a BAD relationship with Dad adversely affected ME in this area so I tend to believe the common wisdom on this)

Narrowing down what his REAL goal is will help you know which way to approach this. When a parent's ego is involved (I speak from experience), it's never going to go well for the child. :-)

Good luck; I wish I had time to write more at the moment....hope I was not too blunt. :-)

[BreatheMama]

Thanks for the ideas, I will for sure be checking out the DVD!

NellieKatz, No not too blunt at all, really great input: I think it is about this (i.e. this is about him, his power, his feeling respected, his issues leftover from his childhood) And control. He feels more stable if he can control the world/people around him. I think his unstable childhood is the root. His tension and anxiety is palpable when the unexpected or unplanned happens. He has been seeing a counselor, which has opened many avenues for negotiating our marriage and for us as parents.

Honestly what can I do except try to foster the deeper connection and minimize the damage. I'm also aware of not creating a "me and the kids" versus Dad. Most days I try to breathe and give us all the space to be were we are.

[BeanyMama]

I think an honest talk with him is a great place to start, like you're thinking. It might help to brainstorm together some specific techniques. I.e: When DD is feeling/doing ___, maybe we can try ___, because...