4 year-old DD scared to do any activity without me

[shahjehan]

My DD (4) is a very sensitive and emotionally intelligent girl. She has friends in the neighborhood that she likes to play with, and they like to play with her.
She has a lot of anxiety about being near adults she doesn't know very well. Usually she will sit on my lap (or DH's) and refuse to move or talk. She gets progressively less inhibited as she gets to know people. Her grandparents, aunts and uncles, and good friend's parents she seems comfortable around (she even calls to talk to her best friend on that friend's dad's cell phone). If the same adult gently reprimands her (never yell or anything, just make a reasonable request), she is crushed.

My problem is that she always wants me there to be her buffer in social things. She does not want to ever be alone with adults, even after she gets to know them reasonably well. I want her to take a gymnastics class for half and hour twice a week this summer. I will be there watching with my toddler twins. She starts crying the minute we talk about it. I think she is nervous that she will get into a social situation that she feels she can't handle.

She went to preschool this past year for two mornings a week, and she didn't really mesh well with her teacher. The teacher is not mean persay, but she is not mushy and sweet. She had a toughlove approach to Ruby balking at school, which only made things worse. Needless to say, she will not be in that class next year.

Before this post gets too long, I just wanted advice from BTDT mommas. Is there anything I can do to help her join in activities without me there? Should I just scrap any activities or classes for awhile? I feel like she would enjoy the things I sign her up for (dance, gymnastics, playground groups), and she is not overscheduled by any means. I don't want to push her too far out of her comfort zone, but I also want to support her emotional growth.

Thanks

[IntrovertExtrovert]

My son is a little similar. Two things that work pretty well for us (and I should do more often) are role playing and giving him things he could say or do.

For example, he told me that he wanted to play with Evan at school, but Evan was already playing with Ben and didn't want to play with him. He felt rejected. We talked about how next time he could ask to join their game instead of walking up and asking just one person to leave the game to play with him. I gave him some "maybe you could say..." and "what would happen if you..." to help him think through it.

[deditus]

Pick up a copy of Myrna Shure's book Raising A Thinking Child. You can read some online here at Google books:

http://books.google.com/books?id=o4j...page&q&f=false

I think it is a great program to give children problem solving skills. I am working with my daughter using the program and it is slowly helping her. She is also very slow to warm up & prefers small groups. I had to stay in her dance class for 4 months before I could leave the classroom, she then continued going to dance class for 5 more months this year on her own (and we even changed studios!). I know how my dd feels, I was the same way and I really don't have a problem with her having a small but supportive social circle but I don't want her getting into a situation where something bad is happening and not be able to speak up. I mean, she freaked out at the library because she couldn't see me (I was feet away from her on the other side of a bead maze she was playing with) and by the time I caught her 15 ft away she was about hysterical. And she would never go up to the librarian for help because she would too scared. I don't want her in those situations, I want her to have self confidence without rushing or pushing her. And I want her to be able to do the things she loves (like dance class), so we are actively working on this.

[momto4plus4]

My ds is VERY similar and to be honest, we've just waited it out. I signed him up for a dance class (older dd was in the class after him) and he did well the first 3 months for the most part then regressed. Age 4, Sunday School & my mom's group (we separate) were hit or miss. Age 5 is when he's been doing much better. He'll start his first baseball tonight-we'll see how it goes. He never really had a comfort item so when he was around 1 I started keeping a blankie with him. I then encouraged him to use it as he got older and by age 3 it really helped him and we kept it with him whenever we'd separate. He still uses it on occassion but not often although he does have it in bed every night. Guess I don't have any real ideas except do what seems best for your child if you can figure out what that is: waiting, gently pushing, the above ideas, etc.

[shahjehan]

Thanks for the advice ladies. I picked up the suggested book from the library, and so far it's been great. Mostly we are playing the word games and using it to help reduce some sibling related fighting. I still don't know how it will help her too much with her shyness and insistence on me being with her. Today was really rough because DD wanted me to stay with her during the first day of a playground tot lot thingy. I was happy to do it for awhile, but I had DS and DD2 with me, and they were too young to sit still for too long. Then this afternoon she was invited to a bday party at her best friends house literally next door to us. She goes over there alone all the time and knows the parents well. There were other parents there as well that she knew. She cried when I tried to leave her and walk home with two cranky toddlers who needed a nap. I gave her the choice of coming home with us or staying, and she wanted to come home. Finally another mom made a deal to bring her home if she still wanted to after 15 minutes. She is still there, and that was an hour ago.

DD is just so different than me, more like DH in social situations. I am trying to do the right thing, but I hate to see her so anxious about certain social situations.