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Boys asking dd out - Page 2

post #21 of 66
I think that whatever way she chooses to say no, that she is comfortable saying no, is fine, assuming she's not being cruel (as in, not saying something like "Are you kidding me? You are so gross! I would never go out with a stupid, ugly boy like you!"). I would just have a conversation with her to let her know that if the attention makes her uncomfortable, that she really should give a direct, polite (assuming the boy was polite in the first place) "No, thank you." Otherwise, as you said, the boy could decide to ask again and again, thinking she's really just making up her mind. However, I think even at 11-13, most boys would be able to understand a subtle deflection. In any case, I don't think there's a way to not hurt someone's feelings if they are expressing romantic interest and you don't share those feelings. There's going to be some let down on the other person's part. A "no thank you" could be just as crushing as an "I don't know." I think you need to encourage your daughter to answer in a way that she feels comfortable with - ideally, that's directly. But if she's not comfortable being direct at this point, I don't think there's any harm in letting her rely on you as the "bad guy." She can just say "My mom won't let me have a boyfriend yet." I also think you're overthinking it when you say you are worried people will think she's a liar if she says something like that and then later has a boyfriend - parents change their minds and it could be as simple as that.
post #22 of 66
Maybe just give her a lesson on how to let a guy down easy? What's the big deal - feelings are going to be hurt in a situation like this no matter what. She just needs to not be a UAV about it. If she doesn't like a guy, she can say thanks but no thanks.
post #23 of 66
11 - 13 is not the same as a child. It is more of a pubescent youth. Which means that as much as the parents things "they don't need to be dating/having a boyfriend/girlfriend/thinking about these kinds of things" what is really happening is they are starting to become aware of the fact that yes, members of the opposite (or same) sex are attractive in "that way" and they want to test the waters. And yeah, part of that is having someone you say is your boyfriend or girlfriend to other people even if you two only hang out at school.

Again 11 - 13, not children... youth in the transition from childhood to adulthood.
post #24 of 66
If dating is so ubiquitous, then you should understand how much harder it would be for her to say no. To be able to say that you wouldn't let her, would actually be kinder to her and to the boys, because it's no longer about her or him. If there is a lot of pressure, and she just says no, her peers are going to push her more and more because there isn't a good excuse.

Be thankful your daughter doesn't want to date, and be her excuse. It's one of the few things my mom did right for me, allowing me to say "My mom won't let me". She was willing to be perceived as the mean mom, rather than trying to be everyone else's friend.
post #25 of 66
When I was 15 years old a 29 year old man asked me out on a date. I was terrified to say no, even though I knew a 29 year old guy that wants to date a 15 year old has something wrong with him. So I told him, "I have to ask my mom." as my way of getting out of it. I knew it wasn't safe to date him. So we went over to my mom and asked... I just knew she'd say not on you ever loving life. ... She said "okay, have her home by 10 pm." thankfully nothing happened, but it was probably the most terrifying date of my life.

I was 15 I was not sexually active and I was raised in a culture that was all about "letting a guy down easy" Date rape basically didn't exist as a punishable crime in the 1980's. I was totally unprepared with how to deal with a worst case scenario and my mom basically handed me to this guy. Your daughter is 11, let her be a kid as long as she wants and let her use you as an excuse.
post #26 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by MusicianDad View Post
11 - 13 is not the same as a child. It is more of a pubescent youth. Which means that as much as the parents things "they don't need to be dating/having a boyfriend/girlfriend/thinking about these kinds of things" what is really happening is they are starting to become aware of the fact that yes, members of the opposite (or same) sex are attractive in "that way" and they want to test the waters. And yeah, part of that is having someone you say is your boyfriend or girlfriend to other people even if you two only hang out at school.

Again 11 - 13, not children... youth in the transition from childhood to adulthood.
Well, I just don't agree.

I have a 16 year old. When she was that age, she was most definitely still a child. My son is 11. He is absolutely still a child. He plays with Hot Wheel Cars and plastic dinosaurs for goodness' sake. It's not just his choice of toys. I know him. His thought process, his decision making - he's still a kid.

When my daughter was in junior high, she had lots of friends, some boys and some girls. What's wrong with just letting kids be kids and have friends? Why must they be paired off the minute they hit double digits in age?

There is nothing, IMO, to be gained by having a boyfriend in 6th grade. But there is a lot to lose, including just the fun and freedom of being a kid and not having to deal with relationships and breakups and all that drama.
post #27 of 66
I still play with hot wheel cars... They're fun...

The fact that you still consider him a child doesn't mean he is still 100% a child. He's not an adult, but he's not a child either.

I didn't say that they have to be paired off once they hit double digits, but the assumption adults have of 11, 12, 13 year olds being "children" bugs me a lot, and I see the effects often enough. 12 year old who behave like 6 year olds when their parents are around because their parents treat them like 6 year olds who are otherwise very much capable of behaving in a more mature way. And guess what... All those parents will tell you "I know my child and he/she is still too young/too immature/too much a child" for them to respect the fact that said child is in the process of growing up.

I dunno what to call them, pre-teens, tweens, a 13 year old is a teenager that much is clear. But they are not still children.
post #28 of 66
No sense borrowing trouble. You have your dd to deal with and help through the trials of adolescence. That's your job. The boys have parents of their own, all of whom probably have some personal insights into dealing with rejection. That's their job. Your job is big. Don't go worrying about theirs.

It sounds like your dd is using you to set her own boundaries and maintain her personal comfort zone. Middle school is tricky. It's great that she's found a way. (Especially when someone asked her out in front of the entire drama class - by middle school standards, that's like proposing on live TV during the Super Bowl. No one should be put on the spot like that.)

Since she's been open with you about it, this might be a great opportunity for you to have a heart-to-heart with her about the circumstances under which she would want you to give her "permission" to "go out" with someone - what kind of person would she want to consider being involved with in that way?
post #29 of 66
I dunno. My parents always said, about ANY situation, boys, being asked somewhere I don't want to go, bad party situation, that their job was to protect me if I needed them and they were fine with being "the bad guy." I was free to say, at any time, "My parents won't let me/ don't like/ prefer me to..." with no hurt feelings, and all of my peers accepted that. I probably used that excuse til I went to college. If you want her to be able to change her mind, she can say, "well, they changed their minds," or "maybe if they meet you, they will," and you could have a 5 minute conversation with the kid picking her up somewhere and give her an "okay."

It's hard to rise above the pressure to "date" at that young age. I did it, and I often was not nice about it. But when the situation warranted it, having the safety net of knowing that I wouldn't hurt my parents' feelings by using them helped a lot. I could explore new things and then pull back when I was uncomfortable. Your daughter sounds like a good kid. I bet as long as she knows you've got her back it will be fine.
post #30 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN View Post
Probably not, but the reality is that having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is fairly ubiquitous in our middle schools starting in 6th grade. Like I said earlier, I don't think that it entails much more than just saying that someone is your girlfriend around school and maybe going to school dances together.

I see this too in our middle school, and while to us it looks like pairing off doesn't entail much, I don't think that's quite right. I know from the teachers that there is often huge drama, tears, and anxiety related to the pairing off/breaking up cycle. Enough so that they are incredibly protective of the kid's space to just be kids and try to downplay the drama as much as possible. It's not always as simple as it seems.


There is a difference between an 11 y/o and a 13 y/o which has to be acknowledged for the OP's dd as well.
post #31 of 66
I'm with churndash. I know I'm old as dirt, but good grief, have things changed that much since I was a kid? If I'd asked my parents at 11 (or 12 or 14) if I could go out on a date, the answer would have been "absolutely not." You started dating at 16; 15 if your parents were really lenient. I'm just shocked at the idea of 11 & 12 year-olds "going out," and I've heard too many stories in recent months about younger and younger kids being sexually active to think that that just means sitting together at the lunch table for all of these children who are "dating."

Just call me old-fashioned, I guess. That's okay, I LIKE being a throw-back to the olden days. LOL

And HOLY CRAP artgoddess. What an awful experience!
post #32 of 66
I think it's awesome she's honoring herself and not more worried about hurting the boys' feelings. I hope she doesn't get that taken from her because it's a lesson it takes many of us our whole lives to learn.
I'm not sure why be concerned the boys might get hurt feelings. She doesn't want to go out with them and at 11 GOOD FOR HER!!! She seems to be handling it well and I hope she continues to have the self awareness and ability to say "NO" for the rest of her life.



Soposded, EXACTLY and thank you!
post #33 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by LavenderMae View Post
I think it's awesome she's honoring herself and not more worried about hurting the boys' feelings. I hope she doesn't get that taken from her because it's a lesson it takes many of us our whole lives to learn.
I'm not sure why be concerned the boys might get hurt feelings. She doesn't want to go out with them and at 11 GOOD FOR HER!!! She seems to be handling it well and I hope she continues to have the self awareness and ability to say "NO" for the rest of her life.



Soposded, EXACTLY and thank you!
But the OP said that her daughter was NOT saying "no" clearly, and that was the problem.
post #34 of 66
I think some posters have not read all the way through, considering what the OP is concerned about is her daughter's inability to say no. I don't think this came through clearly in her first post, but she definitely clarified it in her further posts.

Also, I don't think it's unreasonable to want her to consider the boy's feelings. Not in choosing whether or not to say no, but in how to say no. (And I think if she needs to use her mom as a reason right now, that's fine, if it helps.)

Communicating "no" firmly but kindly is a good life skill to have in general, not just regarding dating. Certainly, some requests don't deserve kind responses, but I don't know why there is an assumption that being kind, as well as firm, makes you a doormat.

Maybe I just look at my little boy and feel sad that in 10 years people are going to be looking at him as a potential rapist when he likes a girl, instead of as a kid who is learning to navigate social waters like the OP's daughter is as well.
post #35 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by lolar2 View Post
But the OP said that her daughter was NOT saying "no" clearly, and that was the problem.
I misread. Then my advice is to tell her to say "no" and get comfortable with it.
post #36 of 66
In our culture (which is a rape culture) I wouldn't be as concerned with the boys' feelings as much as my daughter's ability to say no directly and firmly.
post #37 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN View Post
Probably not, but the reality is that having a "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" is fairly ubiquitous in our middle schools starting in 6th grade. Like I said earlier, I don't think that it entails much more than just saying that someone is your girlfriend around school and maybe going to school dances together.
I thought that too at 13 when a guy I didn't mind hanging out with asked to be called my boyfriend and I his girlfriend. Then he pressured me to kiss him and I did, then not long later he talked about wanting to have sex, and showed me the condom he'd acquired. I ran off embarrassed and next time I saw him I dumped him.
post #38 of 66
Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN View Post
I never suggested that she should go out with boys she doesn't want to go out with nor did I ever say that I want her to be more concerned with the boys' feelings than I do her own desires. What I do want her to do is say "no," when she wants to and find a way say it that is not nebulous, leaving the boy hopeful, or embarrassing to the boy. One of these boys apparently asked her to "go out" with him in front of the entire drama class. That is a hard one to respond to in a way that doesn't leave either one of them embarrassed.
That was a risk that the boy choose to take. I don't feel like it should be your DD's responsibility to come up with a way to turn him down without embarrassing him.

I worry that telling your DD she can't use you as an excuse "My mom doesn't let me date." will send her the message she can't rely on you to protect her. Sure it would be ideal if she could say, "no way dude, not interested." But if she's having trouble with that don't take away the tools she does has for saying no.
post #39 of 66
I'm' just going to repeat the OP's post here, because I think not everyone is getting what she's asking:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ChristaN View Post
I absolutely don't think that she is intentionally hurting anyone's feelings. I am more concerned that she is giving them indirect answers like, "I have to check with my mom," which isn't actually "no" and may leave him still hoping. She is then never getting back to the boys, which seems unfair.
Quote:
Originally Posted by artgoddess View Post
That was a risk that the boy choose to take. I don't feel like it should be your DD's responsibility to come up with a way to turn him down without embarrassing him.

I worry that telling your DD she can't use you as an excuse "My mom doesn't let me date." will send her the message she can't rely on you to protect her. Sure it would be ideal if she could say, "no way dude, not interested." But if she's having trouble with that don't take away the tools she does has for saying no.
Of course she should try to be fair. I do think she has some responsibility, as a decent human being, to try to not embarrass another human being. But, as you point out, she's only eleven years old. She's doing the best she can. It's perfectly acceptable that she's using mom as an excuse to turn a boy down. The boys will be fine.

It's a learning experience, for both her and the boy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by odenata View Post
Maybe I just look at my little boy and feel sad that in 10 years people are going to be looking at him as a potential rapist when he likes a girl, instead of as a kid who is learning to navigate social waters like the OP's daughter is as well.
Yup.

And not everyone feels this way. So far dh and I are pretty pleased with 15 y.o. dd's 15 y.o. boyfriend. He's a nice kid/guy/young man.
post #40 of 66
I forgot to say that I would let her use you as an excuse OP, I really think that's a good compromise for her right now. She needs to know that you are there for her and that's more important imo than her not telling a lie in this situation. And you could also decide 11 is too young for 'going out' and then it's not a lie at all.
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