Boys asking dd out - Page 4

[choli]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

I still play with hot wheel cars... They're fun...

The fact that you still consider him a child doesn't mean he is still 100% a child. He's not an adult, but he's not a child either.

I didn't say that they have to be paired off once they hit double digits, but the assumption adults have of 11, 12, 13 year olds being "children" bugs me a lot, and I see the effects often enough. 12 year old who behave like 6 year olds when their parents are around because their parents treat them like 6 year olds who are otherwise very much capable of behaving in a more mature way. And guess what... All those parents will tell you "I know my child and he/she is still too young/too immature/too much a child" for them to respect the fact that said child is in the process of growing up.

I dunno what to call them, pre-teens, tweens, a 13 year old is a teenager that much is clear. But they are not still children.

I agree. Also, I sometimes pick up an implication that there is something rather shameful about growing up, and something virtuous about artificially extending childhood, that I find unhealthy.

[bronxmom]

Originally Posted by 2xy

This.

Double ITA. I think now is a good time to start practicing letting go. I'm not saying stop parenting, but our kids learn and practice their social skills all the time and I don't think it's a good process to micro-manage. And it's great that she talks to you about this stuff; I'd focus on reflective listening. Rather than jump in with your advice, you might understand more what she's thinking and feeling by just listening and probing why she feels and acts the way she does - that way you help her sort through and figure out her own feelings; knowing your own feelings is one of the most important skills for then figuring out how to act on them.

[ChristaN]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

DD's line is "I really like spending time with you, but I really just want to be friends."

Thank you, I like this.

[artgoddess]

ChristaN what you want her to be able to do makes sense to me for an adult. But she's not an adult. Countless studies have been done showing that the teen brain is not fully developed and I agree with the pp's. That she is still young, 11 or 12 or 16 even, be in her corner, and let her use you as an excuse. You may like I just want to be friends line, but she may not. Don't force it on her.

[ell]

I do think you're over thinking this. Whatever answers she gives to one boy has no bearing on the answers she gives to the next boy. If what you're trying to do is help give her language to be clear, then by all means do that. But I am wondering about what your motivations are - for example, you seem to be worrying about what will happen "when" she wants to go out with a boy and whether her previous responses will affect her chances with the next boy or something. She's 11. Her relationships with boys will be evolving over the next, well, 30 years or so. And the one message I would *not* want to be hammering in to an 11 year old's formative brain when it comes to relationships with men is that "their feelings are more important than yours". That's an excellent recipe for dysfunction over the next few decades.

Tell her to be honest, not to compromise what she feels to save someone else's feelings, and let her be.

[eclipse]

Originally Posted by ChristaN

Thank you, I like this.

MD's answer is cool if she really does like spending time with the kid, and wants to be friends - but what if she doesn't? I think giving "reasons" is sort of a recipe for a boy to keep pushing it. Aside from that, "Let's just be friends" isn't really something that ever comes out sounding genuine.