Advice on custody plan for mediation tomorrow

[NewDirections]

Stbxh and I are going to mediation tomorrow. A little background: We live in California. We split last summer and I found out about the pregnancy shortly after. Our son is 3 months old and lives with me, but stays with stbxh while I work. Stbxh has been very difficult by being verbally abusive (swearing at me), not responding to communication, and being passive aggressive. He's not a very reasonable person so I want to have everything addressed in mediation and spelled out in our parenting agreement.

I was told that mediation does not deal with financial issues. We have a court date coming up at the end of this month for that.

Here is what I'm hoping for:
1.Visitation is to be gradual; step-based, and take into account the needs of the child. As such, there is to be a transition period gradually easing the child into independent visits with the respondent.
2.Right of first refusal clause
3.The non-custodial parent shall pay for any childcare cost that arises due to canceled parenting time due to not picking up child
4.In order to foster attachment and trust, child will not be purposefully left to cry alone at naptime or at any other time
5.Child can breastfeed until he chooses to wean
6.Corporal punishment will not be used on child
7.If either party is more than 15 minutes late picking up or dropping off the children that time must be made up to the party kept waiting
8.Each parent must use a NEW carseat that is properly installed
9.Child will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs
10.Transportation back and forth between parents is to be split
11.Child is not to be at father’s workplace (a restaurant) due to safety issues
12.Both parents must approve non-emergent and/or routine medical care before any care takes place
13.Other parent is called if child has serious injury (worthy of hospital/urgent DR visit)
14.Medical decisions to be made jointly (medications, procedures, etc)
15.Each parent shall maintain child related gear (including but not limited to car seats, strollers, travel potty chairs, water bottles, snacks, etc.) so the child does not have to make exchanges with additional gear. When possible the parents will aim to have identical gear so the child can feel a since of continuity.
16.Seven day advance notification if child is taken out of seven county bay area
17.Phone calls, text messages, and emails must be returned in a timely manner
18.Father will have a land line since he does not get cell phone reception at his home
19.Tax deduction goes to me even years him odd years
20.Life insurance on father with me as the beneficiary
21.Medical/dental copays, insurance, childcare, extracurriculars, all split

What do you think?

[MissLotus]

I just skimmed quickly, and it mostly looks very reasonable - Do you plan to have primary physical custody? Because in that case, I think the part about "Both parents must approve non-emergent and/or routine medical care before any care takes place" might be a little difficult, especially if your ex is hard to work with. You don't want a simple doctor's check-up or cavity filling to become a fiasco. Perhaps you could say, if you are the custodial parent: "Custodial parent must approve non-emergent and/or routine medical care before any care takes place."

Also, since he's verbally abusive to you and you don't want your child to be hearing that, put a clause in there about how both parents (I know, it's him - but just to be diplomatic) will not speak negatively to or about the other parent in the child's presence. Something along those lines.

It would also be nice for you if you could work out a little something in there about how if you both come to an impasse over an issue, you/the custodial parent, will have final discretion (I think mine also says something about how in such an instance, the mother will notify the father by certified mail, and will be open to meaningful discussion on the issue... something like that, that makes him feel that he'll still be taken into consideration.)

Also since presumably the childcare situation could change (if your ex gets a day job or when your child goes to school) I would give yourself as much wiggle room in the schedule as possible.

[Halfasianmomma]

Originally Posted by NewDirections

1. Visitation is to be gradual; step-based, and take into account the needs of the child. As such, there is to be a transition period gradually easing the child into independent visits with the respondent.

Do you intend on continuing to be the primary custodial parent and for your X to have access rights? Your X may not agree.

Also, I would go in to your mediation appointment with a specific proposal for incremental visititation. This is what I wrote in my custody proposal:
18-24 months (1.5 to 2 years of age)
o 2 hr visit one weeknight (WED), from 5:00 to 7:00.
o 3.5-4.5 hr visit on week-end day (SUN), from 12:00 p.m. to 3:00-3:30/4:00 p.m.

24-30 months (2 to 2.5 years of age)
o 2.5 hr visit one weeknight, from 5:00 to 7:30.
o Working up to 6-7 hr visit on week-end day, from 10:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m.

30-36 months (2.5 to 3 years of age)
o Two 2.5 hr visits on weeknights, from 5:00 to 7:30.
o Working up to 8-9 hr visit on week-end, from 9:00 a.m. to 4:00-5:00 p.m.

36-42 months (3 to 3.5 years of age)
o Two 3 hr visits on weeknights, from 5:00 to 8:00.
o Working up to an overnight visit (10-12 hr) on Saturday, from 7:00 p.m. Saturday night to 9 a.m. Sunday morning.

3.5 to 5 years of age
o Two 3 hr visits on weeknights, from 5:00 to 8:00.
o Working up to a week-end day and overnight visit from Saturday morning 10:00 a.m. to 9 a.m. Sunday morning.

Originally Posted by NewDirections

4. In order to foster attachment and trust, child will not be purposefully left to cry alone at naptime or at any other time

What does PURPOSEFULLY mean to you? I'd be careful because it might be used to defend CIO instances (as in "I didn't MEAN to leave the child alone but then I got distacted and oopsies, he had been crying for 20 minutes").

Originally Posted by NewDirections

5. Child can breastfeed until he chooses to wean

Will you insist that your X feed your son pumped BM? Just wondering because this can be a big issue...

Originally Posted by NewDirections

7. If either party is more than 15 minutes late picking up or dropping off the children that time must be made up to the party kept waiting

I'd say that if your X is late in picking up your son, then the visit is cancelled altogether.

Originally Posted by NewDirections

9. Child will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs

This provision can be widdened to something like " Both parents agree to abstain from consuming alcohol in the twelve (12) hours prior to seeing the child, as well as during the entire visitation."

Does your X have a history of drug and alcohol consumption? If that is the case, then you should include that you reserve the right to deny visitation if you find that he is intoxicated.

Originally Posted by NewDirections

10. Transportation back and forth between parents is to be split o

Split how? Usually, the parent who wants the child goes to pick him up. Perhaps you should be more precise here.

Originally Posted by NewDirections

16. Seven day advance notification if child is taken out of seven county bay area

I'd be specific and state that 7 days advance WRITTEN notice must be provided, along with contact information/location of where child will be staying, and perhaps even demand a notarized statement guaranteeing the child's return on a specific date/time. And yes, I'm paranoid.

Originally Posted by NewDirections

17. Phone calls, text messages, and emails must be returned in a timely manner

Again, you can be specific here and state that each party has X number of hours to return a phone call, text or email. If response is not obtain, the other party may proceed according to their own plans considering the lack of response.

What about provisions for:

• illness of the child
• illness of the parent
• Birthdays (child, mother, father)
• Holidays (X-mas, new year, easter, march break, etc etc)
• Mutual respect (no disrespectful talk of other parent in front of child)
• Sleeping arrangement (cosleeping? crib? dedicated child-safe space?)
• Alternate childcare (reserve the right to have the contact info of any babysitter your X uses)

Just throwing out random ideas here...

[NewDirections]

Thanks MissLotus and Halfasianmomma You are the best

Halfasianmomma, what do you think are reasonable provisions for illness or parent and/or child, birthdays, holidays, and sleeping arrangements?

Here is the plan with some revisions. I didn't include exact times for visitation because that's what we are working out today.

Mediation
1.Visitation is to be gradual; step-based, and take into account the needs of the child. As such, there is to be a transition period gradually easing the child into independent visits with the respondent.
2.Right of first refusal clause
3.The non-custodial parent shall pay for any childcare cost that arises due to canceled parenting time due to not picking up child
4.Alternate childcare- I reserve the right to have the contact information of any babysitter that is used.
5.Both parents will not speak negatively/disrespectfully to or at the other parent in the child’s presence
6.In order to foster attachment and trust, child will not be left to cry alone at naptime or at any other time
7.Child will breastfeed/fed breast milk until he chooses to wean. Child will not be fed formula unless determined medically necessary by his pediatrician. Child will not be given solid foods until he is determined ready by his pediatrician.
8.Corporal punishment will not be used on child
9.Each parent must use a NEW car seat that is properly installed
10.Transportation back and forth between parents is to be split equally, i.e. the parent who wants the child shall pick him up
11.Child is not to be at father’s workplace (a restaurant) due to safety issues
12.Both parents have the option to attend non-emergent and/or routine medical care visits
13.Medical decisions to be made jointly (medications, procedures, etc)
14.Other parent is called if child has serious injury (worthy of hospital/urgent DR visit)
15.Each parent shall maintain child related gear (including but not limited to car seats, strollers, travel potty chairs, water bottles, snacks, etc.) so the child does not have to make exchanges with additional gear. When possible the parents will aim to have identical gear so the child can feel a since of continuity.
16.Seven day advance notification in writing if child is taken out of seven county bay area
17.Phone calls, text messages, and emails must be returned in a timely manner. Each party has 8 hours to return a phone call, text or email. If response is not obtained, the other party may proceed according to their own plans considering the lack of response.
18.Father will have a land line since he does not get cell phone reception at his home
19.Tax deduction goes to me even years him odd years
20.Life insurance on father with me as the beneficiary
21.Medical/dental co pays, insurance, childcare, extracurriculars, all split

[NolaRiordan]

Just a quick caveat: some of this stuff is not enforceable by the court so it may not go into your parenting plan. Also if your stbx does not agree to some of the stuff there's really nothing you can do. I tried for many of these things in mediation and my X refused, and the mediator said I couldn't go to court on it so I had to drop it. Just be aware. I'm sure things are different in different states.

[Halfasianmomma]

This is what I wrote in my agreement regarding holidays and birthdays. Keep in mind that I work in a law firm so it might sound a bit wordy for your taste. Also, I worked this agreement from the perspective of the primary custodial parent, so I know it could be worded differently if you were dealing with shared custody.

Thanksgiving
o In even-numbered years, the child shall spend alternating Thanksgiving evening from 5:00 p.m. to 8:00 p.m. with the mother. In odd-numbered years, the schedule shall be reversed.
o Notice [preferably in writing] of intent to exercise Thanksgiving Holiday timesharing shall be given by September 30th of each appropriate year.

Christmas
o In even-numbered years, the child shall celebrate with the mother from 10:00 a.m. on the 24th to 11:00 a.m. on the 25th. In odd-numbered years, the schedule shall be reversed.
o These arrangements shall supersede any other regularly-scheduled timesharing periods.
o The father shall give notice (verbal or written) at least seven (7) days in advance only if he does not intend to exercise this timesharing.

Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and parent’s birthday
o The child shall spend Father's Day and the father's birthday with their father, and Mother's Day and the mother's birthday with their mother, from 9:00 A.M. until 6:00 P.M. on the day of the event.
o These arrangements shall supersede any other regularly-scheduled timesharing periods.
o The father shall give notice (verbal or written) at least twenty-four (24) hours in advance only if he does not intend to exercise this timesharing.

Child’s birthday
o In even-numbered years, the child shall celebrate with the mother from 5:00 P.M. the evening before until 4:00 P.M. on the child's birthday, and the child shall celebrate with the father from 4:00 P.M. on the child's birthday until 5:00 P.M. the following day. In odd-numbered years, this schedule shall be reversed.
o This arrangement will supersede any other regularly-scheduled timesharing arrangements.
o Notice (verbal or written) of intent to exercise this timesharing shall be given 7 days prior to the child's birthday.

Any special outing or event
o If given prior notice (verbal or written) of intent, reasonable arrangements can be made for the child to spend time with either parent for a particular outing.

With regards to illness, I split this into two categories: illness of the child and illness of the parent:

SECTION 4: ILLNESS OF THE CHILD

o If timesharing is cancelled due to illness of the child, then the mother shall provide the father notice at least 24 hours in advance
o Timesharing missed due to illness of the child shall be made up by visitation for an equal amount of time within 30 days of said illness. The days on which visitation is to be made up shall be specified by the father, but unless the father consents, the days so specified may not conflict with the provisions respecting visitation on holiday weekends, Thanksgiving, Christmas or New Year's.

SECTION 5: ILLNESS OF A PARENT

o If the father is too ill to exercise his access rights, he shall so notify the mother no later than two (2) hours before the time for visitation to begin as specified above.
o A specific period of visitation is waived if the parent, or the person designated by the mother in accordance with Section Two, fails to appear to pick up the child within twenty (20) minutes after the time specified for the beginning of that period of visitation.

For sleeping arrangements, I think that both parents should try to uphold the same sleeping environment for the child so that there is as little change as possible. Also, the room where the child is sleeping should be babyproofed (my XH thought it would be ok to put DD to sleep on a mattress on the floor of the living room--where all the electronics and video games were stored, while he slept in his room with the door closed...um, no.)

[grisandole]

I'm also in CA and have to deal with mediation and I can tell you that the last three items they will not address. They will ONLY address parenting/custody, nothing financial. That needs to be done by the judge.

Most of what you are asking for is very standard and should be approved by the mediator easily. For #12, 13 & 14, do you have joint legal custody? If you do, this is covered by that anyway. If you don't have any type of formal custody arranged yet 50/50 legal is usually standard. If you go to http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/family/ you can see the info and standard forms used.

You shouldn't have any problems, you aren't asking for anything unreasonable or atypical Good luck!

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by NewDirections

20.Life insurance on father with me as the beneficiary

Everyone else hit on most of what I would have said, but I have to question this. I've never heard of someone requesting life insurance be bought on the father with the mother as the beneficiary. What about the opposite... will you need to purchase life insurance with your ex as the beneficiary? I guess I'm not sure if this one would even be reasonable.

[StephandOwen]

Originally Posted by NewDirections

7.If either party is more than 15 minutes late picking up or dropping off the children that time must be made up to the party kept waiting

I would (and did) say that if he was more than 15 minutes late picking up ds than he forfeited his visitation and it was not to be made up. Otherwise that leaves you and the child sitting around just waiting for an hour/2 hours/etc.

8.Each parent must use a NEW carseat that is properly installed

Define. A lot of parents think their carseat is properly installed but it isn't

9.Child will not ride in a car with someone who has been drinking or using drugs

I would say something about neither party is to drink/use drugs within 12 hours of having the child or during parenting time. We have this in ours, as well as a clause that ds is not to be taken into any house/car/restaurant/etc where smoking has taken place (yes, this means that ex cannot take ds in his car nor can he take him to his apartment or his parents house... that's the decision ex has made and his relationship with ds is pretty much non-existant) because of ds's health issues.

10.Transportation back and forth between parents is to be split

Specify. Typically the parent who wants the child goes to get the child. In our situation when ex was taking ds he picked up and dropped off ds since I was working at the time (as a nanny so ds was with me whenever he wasn't with ex). On days he had ds when I wasn't working I picked up ds after the visit.

15.Each parent shall maintain child related gear (including but not limited to car seats, strollers, travel potty chairs, water bottles, snacks, etc.) so the child does not have to make exchanges with additional gear. When possible the parents will aim to have identical gear so the child can feel a since of continuity.

I hate to say it but I can't see getting anyone to agree to this. What if you decide you want to buy a $300 carseat for your child (not unheard of... I have more than once )? Your ex shouldn't have to shell out $300 that he may or may not have for a matching carseat. What if you decide you want a $50 carseat but your ex doesn't agree and wants the $300 carseat? Should you be forced to buy the $300 carseat even if you don't have the extra money for it? It is not reasonable to ask that for the next 18 years he buy duplicates of what you buy

17.Phone calls, text messages, and emails must be returned in a timely manner

Define timely manner

As for holidays I would make sure you do the even/odd year thing carefully. Otherwise you could end up with one parent getting the child for Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve/Christmas morning and New Years Eve on the same year. I would suggest parent A gets child Thanksgiving Day, Christmas Day from noon until the day after Christmas at noon, and New Years Eve from noon until noon on New Years Day. Parent B gets child the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve (noon until noon on Christmas Day) and New Years Day (noon until noon on January 2nd).

Mothers Day spent with mother, Fathers Day spent with father, Child's birthday alternating years (perhaps with an inclusion for the parent who doesn't have the child that year on the birthday to get parenting time either the day before or the day after the birthday). If Memorial Day/4th of July/Halloween are important to either parent then be sure to include a note for those.

[vocalise]

Originally Posted by StephandOwen

Everyone else hit on most of what I would have said, but I have to question this. I've never heard of someone requesting life insurance be bought on the father with the mother as the beneficiary. What about the opposite... will you need to purchase life insurance with your ex as the beneficiary? I guess I'm not sure if this one would even be reasonable.

Perhaps the language could be that the other parent is the trustee, and the child is the beneficiary. Right now, ds's portion of his dad's life insurance is locked up in the very poorly managed government agency "The Public Guardian and Trustee" because his dad didn't name a trustee for the policy. Ds won't be able to access it until he's nineteen. In the meantime, with the way the money is being handled, the interest isn't even keeping up with cost of living increases.

All that to say, the beneficiary should be the child, but the child's non-deceased parent should be the trustee (providing there's a history of good money management).