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Soon to be Sexually Active Younger Sister, WWYD? UPDATE #22 - Page 2

post #21 of 45
I don't think you are obligated to tell your mom. Some things are better kept between sisters. And if sexuality is your area of expertise, I would think you have given her great information. No need to freak your mom out. You've hopefully given her the tools, no let her use them.
post #22 of 45
Thread Starter 
And now for an update..... So my sister decided to start having sex. She seems to have approached it as responsibly as possible for a 17 year old so in that regard things are good.

Now onto the real update and the thing I really need advice on dealing with. Our parents found a text on her phone that suggested something sexual and questioned her about it until she admitted to being sexually active. I thought they handled it well at first not a lot of yelling only minimal shaming but that changed very quickly. Within a couple of days she is no longer allowed to drive, her boyfriend is not allowed around, she has no cell phone, cannot use the house phone, no friends, no computer, lots of yelling, threats, telling her she is irresponsible, is screwing up her future, her boyfriend is a loser and so on and so forth. Whether I agree with my parents approach or not (and i definitely do NOT) there doesn't seem to be a lot I can do about it as far as I can see. So what would you do (or think I should do even if you wouldn't)? Help please.
post #23 of 45
Wow, don't your parents realize your sister will legally be an adult soon. They are poisoning their relationship with her by being so controlling and condemning. Are you close enough to your parents to talk to them about the possible repercussions of treating an almost adult daughter this way? The relationship is forever and your sister is only going to be subject to their control for a matter of months.
post #24 of 45
Wow, what a horrid place your parents have put her sister! Are you living away from your parents? If so, I"d consider letting your sister live with you for a little bit to let your parents cool down. Your parents are not doing any good being that restrictive. And those horrible words can not be taken back, ever. I spent most of my high school years grounded (and hearing those horrible words and worse, directed at me), for bad grades, so not as serious, but the same social effect. Is there a way you can talk to your parents? I know I couldn't do that, but some people have much better relationships with their parents.
post #25 of 45
I agree with simple life, if you are living away from your parents than maybe your sister can come and stay with you for a little while.

And if you can talk to your parents, try to make them see reason.
post #26 of 45
Thread Starter 
I have talked to them, they really want me to stay out of it because they know how strongly I disagree about the way they are treating her and how strongly I feel about every person's right to own their sexuality. They listen to me but mostly disagree and still feel they have my sister's best interest at heart which although I'm sure they do they are going about it entirely the wrong way. I really feel for my sister because at that age I had such a terrible relationship with my parents but now just a few years later we really get along great.

I do live away from my parents but several hundred miles away which would severely interfere with my sister's schooling and health care which at the moment is really important. Aother complication with that is that my parents primarily support me by paying my living expenses while I go to school full time which I pay with scholarships. So moving her in with me would risk her health, her education, and my education. It would still be a pssibility and I would be willing to risk my part of that and do my best to find her doctors where I live but logistically it would be very complicated.
post #27 of 45
Thread Starter 
Oh so I guess my question then is any ideas on what I can do to support her without moving her in with me and taking into consideration that it is unlikely I will be able to talk some sense into my parents (at least until things calm down significantly)? I've already put off heading back to my apartment 200 miles away so I can stay here for venting and hugs when she needs me, but I'm not sure how long I can delay that since I need to get back to classes and other school related necessities.
post #28 of 45
Would you be able to help her find somewhere else to live for a while, maybe close friends or extended family?
post #29 of 45
shes almost an adult, its really none of your parents business and if it were my little sister i would direct her to go to planned parenthood so she can get bc and condoms. thats what i did when i was 15
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post #30 of 45
Thread Starter 
Sharlla: She has plenty of condoms, probably about 500 from me, so she's set there. Hormonal birth control is not an option because of serious health issues, but I am taking her to planned parenthood within the week (made an appointment) to get STI testing just to be on the safe side and to talk to the people there about what's going on at home right now. I do agree it is none of their business and the only difference between her and I at the age she is now is that 1. she got caught and 2. she's probably better prepared because she did have someone to talk to.

MusicianDad: I'm looking into those options now but unfortunately we have absolutely no family living in the area. The closest person besides me is probably a 10 hour drive away. Our family doesn't have a lot of close friends and those that we do i doubt would be willing to take her against my parents wishes. I'm hesitant to put her in the hands of my close friends because she is under 18 and I have had friends of mine get in legal trouble for aiding minors in similar ways.

She has an appointment with a counselor set up in a couple of weeks which is great because she really wants someone with some sort of authority to talk to her and my parents right now but a couple of weeks seems like an eternity and is honestly longer than I can stay around to keep her safe until then.

Any other ideas for more immediate counseling resources for her to reach out to? I'm looking into that now too but any help would be appreciated.
post #31 of 45
Thread Starter 
Oh and I forgot to say, Thanks so much everyone for the suggestions, I am definitely considering all of them and even some of the ones I think will not work, like having her move in with me, it's nice to hear from someone else because it is definitely something I have considered and still would if I need to.
post #32 of 45
Thread Starter 
Oh and the resources might have to be something I can find for her initially since she has virtually no access to anything right now.
post #33 of 45
Have you pointed out to your parents that she will never, ever talk to them about something like this again if they continue to act this way?
post #34 of 45
Thread Starter 
eclipse: Oh of course, I pointed that out to them long before this ever happened. "You know mom and dad if you act judgmental when she comes to you about sex/sexuality she's never going to talk to you about ANYTHING like that again." I had hope that they heard me then, but apparently not. And of course I have pointed it out in the last day or two, probably the last hour, but either they don't care or don't believe me.

My poor sister is never going to forgive them for this or forget it.
post #35 of 45
Hopefully the counselor will be able to help out with the parents.

The advice I would give her? Comply, comply, comply with whatever they want. Act all repentful. Say she agrees with them.Then do whatever she wants when she has the chance, just being very very careful not to get caught. And not ever tell them anything ever again.
post #36 of 45
I think your sister should just give your parents some time to get over it. I doubt moving out would be a good option at this time in her life.
How long has it been since they found out?
post #37 of 45
Thread Starter 
Ah yes that is exactly how I survived the highschool years, exactly that way. She has a stubborn streak a mile wide though and will NOT NOT NOT do that. I wish she would sometimes, it would make my life 100x easier but I understand her reasons for refusing to give in to the demands. I think I may have to repeat that advice though, it's only a year of living at home, then she can go to college and get out of the house.
post #38 of 45
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by weliveintheforest View Post
I think your sister should just give your parents some time to get over it. I doubt moving out would be a good option at this time in her life.
How long has it been since they found out?
It's only been 4 days since they found out. I do think it will blow over some in a couple of weeks but I'm not sure how much it will. I have some hope that they will get over it but honestly I don't think she is going to forgive them anyway and they are angry enough to keep restricting her freedom over this for at least a few months.

I agree that moving out is probably not the best option, so how can I help her while she is here besides holding her hand while she cries and talks to me?
post #39 of 45
I was sort of in the same position as your sister at that age. Extremely religious parents who were pretty controlling and who found out I was sexually active. It wasn't fun.

I guess my big question would be --what are her plans? In my case, I definitely wanted to go to college, and my parents were paying for it. It was so worth it to me to just shut up and pretend to comply for 8 months or so until I knew I'd be off to college and could do what I wanted to do.

If I was planning on moving out at 18 and getting a job, I wouldn't have been so compliant.
post #40 of 45
Good point EFmom, some of this kind of depends on where the OPs sister sees herself in 6-12 months with regards to parent support, etc.

I also agree with pps who think that the parent's response here is really, incredibly detrimental to their long term relationship with their daughter. She is 17. How on earth can you expect to prohibit the sexuality of a 17 year old??

In response to the OP: Also I am wondering why the STI test? Do you have a reason to suspect that your sister's partner has an STI? Did they use condoms and did they minimise the risk of transmission? If they took precautions, why worry about it immediately?
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