I can't do the quote thingy so I just pasted some of your OP here.
JMJ said,
"In all I'm reading and researching, I'm really leaning towards a method of discipline based on respect for the child's will and actions rather than control. I understand that there are times that for the child's safety or the good of the community or family, that sometimes the child's will has to be thwarted, but in those cases, I would deal with it by affirming the child's desires, explaining why the action was unwise, and offering or brainstorming a better solution rather than punishing. In things that won't hurt her or somebody else or cause significant inconvenience or waste, though, I pretty much let her make her own decisions, and even in those cases, I try to give her the chance to make the right decision on her own. Punishment is not involved. If it's something that I'm not going to let her do it, I just don't let her do it. If it's something she can't have, I just don't give it to her. If she wants to scream about it, she can scream about it.
She'll slowly learn to make her own decisions, and it really allows her to shine, making some wonderful decisions to be helpful by mimicing me or making sure her needs are met. She's a beautiful, creative, cheerful, loving toddler, and I want my time to be spent fostering virtues rather than focusing on all she shouldn't be doing.
I'm Catholic, and my Catholic friends and many Catholics I hear seem to think that the kind of loving guidance (to use a LLL term... Even though they're not religious now, remember that they were started by Catholic women) that I am referring to completely ignores or at least does not give enough weight to original sin. I do really want to conform my will to Church teaching, but I don't think that my ideas our outside of the bounds of Catholic teaching."
I think you sound like a wonderful mom. How exactly do your friends "deal" with original sin? It's the sin nature in all of us, right? I gather it has to do with making the child obedient. I don't think that by giving a child choices and chances to make decisions will hinder their obedience. I think, and I'm def. no expert, that obedience comes from you following through with your word and being consistent. For example, you say, no you may not have that cookie. You have to stand by your word. If you give in to the begging then your word means squat and there is no reason for the child to accept and obey the boundary.
Really we want to give our children boundaries and stick to it. If you move the boundary line then they lose the confidence in your ablility to guide them. Consequently, they stop obeying you because your boundaries move.
I think boundaries and obeying are linked this way.
Giving your child choices is a good thing. It builds character and confidence in their ability to navigate life.
OK, say my child took someone's toy, made them cry and then would not apologize. I usually ask my child to help make the child feel better rather than forcing apologies. If she doesn't want to apologize or make the situation better, I have her sit with me to calm down and think about it. I also talk to her at that point about the importance of taking care of others. Usually she will either give the toy back or apologize. I don't make her do it. If she doesn't do it and she continues to hurt others, I take her outta there and explain that she is not allowed to hurt others so we have to leave. Maybe by virtue of leaving I am 'forcing' her to make ammends, but I think she needs to learn cause and effect. Her behavior causes others to hurt and mama takes her home. This is a boundary that I set and stick to it. Yes, she is obeying the boundary so to speak.
Hope I'm making sense.
Today at Starbucks my kid was hogging both little chairs and not giving one of them to the other kid. The other kid was mad/sad which I pointed out to her and suggested to help the other kid feel better by giving up one of the chairs. Well, she said no. I said, not fair of you to hog both chairs is it? what if you didn't have a chair. At that point the other kid jumped up and took my kids toy! I thought, awesome. So I suggested they trade the toy for the chair. NOPE neither one wanted to do it. So, I said no problem, then your both even steven!
I suppose I could have 'made her obey' but in this instance I felt like a life lesson could be learned better by a natural consequence between the two toddlers.
BTW I read UP as well, and did take away the matter of respect and choices, but I think there is a part of UP philosophy that I can't get with because of my belief system.
