A couple of things to think about:
I highly second Raising Your Spirited Child, the Secret of Parenting, and Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. I also love Mary Sheedy Kurcinka's Kids, Parents & Power Struggles, which is some ways is an updated version of her Raising Your Spirited Child. Nurture by Nature might give you some insights too.
Second, is she getting enough sleep? Overtired kids are not fun to be with. A lot of her behaviors sound like what we get when dd is overtired. Our dd has a tendency to whine, she definitely tantrums and has a hard time when the world does not go according to her plan. These behaviors are 10 times worse when she's tired or hungry.
Third, what are your reactions and feelings when she tantrums/screams/cries? Are you trying to stop her from doing this? If you think you have to fix this, that might be part of the problem.
I've got a spirited child, and I am a former spirited child myself. Tantrums/screaming are the result of feeling out of control. I felt things intensely and deeply and was so overwhelmed by emotions that I couldn't control myself. I didn't need someone to fix it, I needed someone to help me get through the big emotions.
Like with your daughter, validating our dd's feelings
does sometimes lead to fresh outbreaks of crying. What I've learned, however, is that she
needs this extra time to process the emotion. Thus, I no longer try to stop her. She needs to cry for far longer, sometimes, than I really like. But if she cries as much as she needs to, then suddenly, she's done and can move on.
However, validating her emotions and accepting them doesn't mean that I have to be there listening to her all the time. I'll offer a hug or a cuddle if I've got the reserves. If she goes past my energy to cope, or if she's in a perpetual whining cycle, I'll ask her to take it to her room. She's free to express these emotions as loudly as she likes. But she's not free to make everyone else's life miserable while she does it. Her room is the place for that. She's getting better at taking herself off there and having her tantrums in her room.
Have you read Althea Solter's Tears and Tantrums? Here's a little info about her ideas:
http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm
My big aha moment in parenting came when I realized that I did not have to fix the tantrum, or even stop it. I just had to teach my child that it's OK to have powerful emotions and that mom/dad aren't scared by these emotions. I will certainly comfort my child, but I'm not going to try to stop them. I won't give in to X to stop the tears, because as you discovered, it's not about X, it's about needing to cry. So, when X is satisfied, Y becomes necessary...and then Z.
Fourth, she also sounds like she needs more boundaries/structure. My spirited child who whines and tantrums has difficulty self regulating. Thus she needs more structure from me. She needs to know what to expect, because her internal compass won't always be at the same place.
Does your dd have a daily routine? Kids who need more boundaries often do better with one.
Do you warn for transitions? My kids are 6 and 9 and still appreciate a few minutes warning for transitions. When dd is tired or stressed it's absolutely crucial. (Ds has always been more flexible.) My favorite parenting tool is the timer just for this purpose. "When the timer beeps, it's time to get ready/go/set the table..." It's a 'neutral' third party that warns us all.
It's also crucial for us to transition before our resources are spent. That does mean leaving when we're still having fun. But I've learned through painful experience that by the time we're no longer having fun, we also have no energy left to transition through the goodbyes/leaving/going home.
What do you do when she's dithering and wants to do something, but then can't bring herself to? Kids who can't make decisions often need help making them, or fewer of them to make.
I've found it helpful to set a limit. "In 1 minutes, it'll be time for Anna to go. You can give her a hug or you can just wave." When the minute is up, then it's "Oh, I guess no hug today. Bye Anna!" Will she cry? Yep. Will she live to tell the tale? Yep.
Finally, what kind of learner is she? I've got one child who learns well by watching and by us describing. He's my child who looks compliant. When we ask him to do something, by and large, he does it.
Dd learns better by doing. For her, I often need to gently guide her, especially if she's tired and or cranky. She and I were out at a meeting yesterday, and we came home just in time for chores. It was an 'easy' chore night in that it was garbage night. When dh told her to get a garbage can and bring it out, she declared "no!" and kept repeating it. I simply handed her a wastebasket, and told her that her job was to keep saying "no" as loudly as she could on the way to the garbage can. (That was a little Playful Parenting thrown in.)
If your daughter doesn't do things when you ask, you may need to gently guide her. Otherwise, what she's learning is that she doesn't have to do it until you get upset.
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. I find that really trying to be resonable and stick to what I asked, but being nonchalant and playful about it helps. She is entitled to tantrum and express her emotions the only way she knows how. I am entitled to let her have at it, but not feed into it or try to engage an irrational and upset being. How rational are we as adults when we are upset and crying. Sometimes its best to just let them be and experience and deal with their emotions.
