should I let my mom win this? or is there some way we could both win?

[CassnBeth]

Can anyone think of a way to make this situation come out with no one unhappy?

I am an only child so our first child is my parent's only grandchild and they adore her. So far, since DD's birth, DW and I have seen my parents...five times including the holidays? For five days or so each time, sometimes more like a week. In a normal year before our daughter was born my wife and I would make the 10 hour drive up to see my parents more like three times; for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and some sort of summer visit and that was great for everyone. I don't come from one of those backgrounds where people move back home and live near their families (I SO envy you all who do) and neither do my parents so there was definitely never any expectation that I would get married and be nearby with my children as an adult. However, my mom has been having, much to her own surprise I think, a really hard time with only getting to see DD for a few days every couple of months. She mentions how sad she is to be missing out on everything every time I talk to her on the phone (almost daily). So I told my mom, when she mentioned coming for a visit/DD's birthday as soon as she was finished teaching for the year that we have plenty of room for them now (new house) and would be happy for my mom and dad to stay for two or three weeks if they could manage it. My mom countered with a plan for me and DD to come back with them to their house for a week or two after they stay with us for a week. Apparently my dad objected to staying with us for longer than a week on the grounds that he needs to be available for some sort of local meeting.

Here's where we come to the problem part -- I would rather die than take DD to my mother's house for a week without my wife. I just did this in April because my dad was going in for major heart surgery so I wanted him to get to see his granddaughter again beforehand just in case. I am glad I went but it was totally exhausting. My parents mean well and insist they expect to watch DD and help out but I don't really like to ask all the time. I feel very judged by my mother when I'm there (I need to figure out some better ways to cope with this) and spend a lot of energy keeping my daughter from doing things my mother thinks are dangerous and keeping my parents from feeding her inappropriate foods (dairy intolerance). Oh! And my mother wants to make a side trip to see my aunt! Who I also adore but ohmygod do I not want to try and get my kid to sleep in yet another strange location! What do I do with this? I am genuinely sympathetic to my mom wanting to see my little girl but I don't think I can face a week of their house again. Should I go anyway for my parent's sake? Refuse and hope my mom bullies my dad into missing his meeting? My wife doesn't have the time off to go with me or I would just take her with me and all would be well.

[cristeen]

I would straight up tell her that while you understand she wants to spend time with her GD, you're not up to making the trip without your DW. That the trip last time was far too much for you. That she's welcome to come visit, and you'll all come visit her when you can, but making the trip alone with DD is not feasible. Don't argue the point with her, don't let her guilt you. Just tell her that you've tried it once already and it didn't work well, and you're in no hurry for a repeat performance.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

My mother has a much higher tolerance for staying at our house than my father. So dad frequently comes for a day or two but mom stays for the week. Can your father return home without your mom? Is there a train/bus/plane that would make that possible? If they can't afford a plane ticket, can you help with that part?

[HappyMommy2]

One word: Skype!

If the grandparents and grandkids can SEE and Talk -- it is amazing for long distance relationships.

[kiwiva]

Yes, Skype! DH's family is Midwest and we are East Coast. She has a very close relationship with grandpa and great grandma and she's really only visited with them a handful of times.

My parents are only 75 mins away so I don't have the issue of staying there but short visits are annoying enough. If I was still living far away there is NO WAY I'd be trudging to their house with DD for any length of time. Too stressful and annoying. They can come to me if they want to see DD.

Explain to mom how disruptive it is to DD to travel and sleep elsewhere. Really, it will only get less convenient to go there as she gets bigger. That's a lot to expect of you; it is much easier for them to travel.

[rainyday]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

My mother has a much higher tolerance for staying at our house than my father. So dad frequently comes for a day or two but mom stays for the week. Can your father return home without your mom? Is there a train/bus/plane that would make that possible? If they can't afford a plane ticket, can you help with that part?

That's pretty much how it works for us as well, and for lots of people we know too.

[lilyka]

Skype is a great idea. So is Grandma staying at your house for a while without her husband.

Don't feel bad about asking your parents to come visit you more often. it sounds like you are being expected to carry the weight of this responsibility. My mom never visits even though it is far far easier for her to travel than for me to schlep the kids and dog 14 hours each way.

[AutumnAir]

Yeah, I was just going to suggest Skype too - it really is a fantastic way for the grandparents to be involved in all the little day-to-day things even when they live far away. We see my mom maybe 3 times a year in the flesh, but chat on Skype at least once a week, and usually more often than that, for an hour or two at a time. DD can chat back to her, show her her toys - I can move the camera around to show my mom the house and DD doing all her normal things. My dad even has some kids books that he reads to her over skype

And definitely do tell your parents that they're more than welcome to come visit you more often rather than having you go all that way with a LO - if they're at all sensible they'll be understanding!

[madskye]

My mom visits by herself mostly--my stepdad (with whom I'm very close) mostly stays home and likes it that way.

We can't visit them for more than 4 nights. DD is 5 now, but by the 3rd night she is missing her daddy a lot. You might want to explain that aspect to your mom as well--that your DD needs her other mommy as well as you. So a quick trip, ok--but extended visits are going to have to happen at your house while she is small.

[Anna's Lovey]

"And my mother wants to make a side trip to see my aunt! Who I also adore but ohmygod do I not want to try and get my kid to sleep in yet another strange location!"

Whatever you do, don't let yourself get pressured into taking your lo places just because your mother wants to show off her grandchild! This happened to me last summer and it wore me out and made my poor lo fussy and super needy.
Also, you said that it's ten mile drive to see you parents? How old is your lo?
You could get out of visiting your mother based on the drive alone.

Good luck.
It's hard to set boundaries with parents when lo's are involved, but it's so important.

[eclipse]

Just be honest and say that it will be too hard for you. Play up the "getting kid to sleep in a new location" thing (because with two of my three kids, I know that would have been a huge issue at your dd's age). Reiterate how happy you would be for her to stay for x amount of time, but that you just can't do a visit by yourself right now.

[rightkindofme]

I think I would say, "Well if Dad isn't willing to stay that long, how about if you stay without him?" Because yeah, I do roadtrips with my daughter alone but she's an easy sleeper. She doesn't care where we are. If she weren't I would not be up for it. Just... no.

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by cristeen

I would straight up tell her that while you understand she wants to spend time with her GD, you're not up to making the trip without your DW. That the trip last time was far too much for you. That she's welcome to come visit, and you'll all come visit her when you can, but making the trip alone with DD is not feasible. Don't argue the point with her, don't let her guilt you. Just tell her that you've tried it once already and it didn't work well, and you're in no hurry for a repeat performance.

:
If it'll make things go smoother you could call it a "phase".

[Quinalla]

Yup, definitely just flat out tell her the trip is too much for you to do without DW, even though you would love to come visit of course. I had to tell my parents after the one trip we have made to see them so far that we wouldn't be doing it again until we could take more time off (or she was older) because at my girl's age we have a short window where if we travel in it, the trip is great, otherwise it is awful and we couldn't make the window work on the way back as we didn't have enough time.

[Amy0417]

I would do what is best for you and your DD. Although it would would be good for Gramma to spend a lot of time together... a week at your house is even a long time. Just having your parents at your house for a week and then going to their house might be such a change of pace for DD that it could be worse than you think. My daughter get's totally off course if we spend a night at her grandparents house. I think Mom will understand if you say no.

I'm usually the people pleaser type but when I had DD I had to change that. I totally stressed myself trying to please other ppl so they could see her and finally I started saying no. What a stress reliever!!!!! I hope it all works out Mama.

p.s. was it really hard for DD to not be with your wife for that whole week you went to yours parents? Missing Mom might be another stressor. Just a thought

[mumkimum]

I'll add that I didn't even consider doing anything of this sort (without dh) until my dd was older - like 3 (I believe yours is 1 y/o from your sig? yikes - wouldn't have wanted to do this myself at that age). We went on a vacation to visit my aunt/uncles with my folks and stayed at their place too(6 hours away) for 2 weeks right before dd turned 3. One of my sisters was also there as help for me. It was tiring, sure, (after all, I was pregnant) but way more manageable than it would have been earlier than that.

I'd emphasize that that's a great idea for another time when your dd isn't so needful and you don't have the extra help of your DW. And when she's older it will be A LOT easier - our dd being 3 y/o there were a lot more things we could do to entertain in the car during both a 6 hour and 8 hour road trip than when she was 1 and would want to nurse all of a sudden or need changing or whatever else.

Skype is great, regular emailing pictures and little things are great too - or video. Regular letters, cards or little packages from gp's are great too.

[Peppermint Poppies]

I have been in a similar situation, although I think I view things a little differently from most of the PP's.

DH and I moved to a different state nearly 2 years ago, and my parents have desperately missed seeing their grandchildren regularly. They have flown down to see us quite a few times. I have also flown up to visit them twice in the last year, and stayed for a week each time, without DH. It has been extremely hard work for me. My parents house is NOT child-friendly, my parents whilst loving and supportive do not provide much practical help, and the different sleeping environment has made nighttimes hell.

Yet, I would willingly choose to do it again. Because I think it's important that my children have a relationship with their grandparents. Because I think it's important to honor my parent's desire to have a relationship with their grandchildren. And because I make many sacrifices in my role as a mother for the sake of the parent-child relationship, and I am willing to make sacrifices in my role as a daughter for the sake of that relationship too. Just because something is hard doesn't mean that it isn't worth doing.

Oh, and we use Skype a couple of times a week also

[~Amy~]

I am also an only child & my son is the only grandchild/great-grandchild. I SO understand! My mom also wants DS & I to come & stay for long periods of time. It is so exhausting without DH there. I hate going without him. It's actually getting better now that DS is a bit older & starting to understand more what he can & can't do at Grammie's house. I don't mind as much going without DH now, but about a year ago, I put my foot down & said that we wouldn't be coming without DH for a while. I spun it like it wasn't fair to DS to be away from DH for that long (a week or more was what my mom was after) and at his age, he couldn't understand why Daddy all of a sudden wasn't there for a while. She really didn't argue with that. It's a hard spot to be, though. We are planning a trip this summer for a few days without DH...we'll see how it goes.

[eepster]

How about they come stay with you for a week, then you just do 3 days at your parents house for the meeting, then they comeback and spend another week at your place. It would be about the same amount of back and forthing, and they could check on the house and stuff. Can you just stop at the aunt for a few hours and not try to do it as an overnight?

[CassnBeth]

You people are full of useful suggestions! I hadn't even thought of Skype being a useful tool for this and I should have. It's a brilliant idea. I admit, I'm really relieved that the general consensus isn't that I should just suck this one up. Every time I considered it I ended up wanting to cry. My mom will just have to cope with a refusal on this one and she can stay here instead. She has some idea that my dad is too soon post-op to be left alone but my dad is pushing her really hard to stay here when he leaves and I think he's going to win. (truthfully, I think he wants the excuse of coming back to get her so he can stay longer himself -- I love my dad)