For anyone interested in the outcome of our conference: the date has been moved from Mon 21st to Fr 25th.
While we are mostly very happy with the play-based/developmental pre-school DS started at last year, there is one policy that has me worried.
During free play, children will mostly play either board games or play in one of the "corners" (dolls' corner, building corner, reading corner etc). Children have to "ask in" to games and corners: the first child to pick out a game from the shelf or to enter a corner gets to say who can play too and can exclude anyone they do not want to play; however, once another child is in, the child can then "include" others until the max amount of players for the game is reached, or the "corner" is full (four kids to a corner). On my day as "visiting parent", I have noticed quite a bit of excluding going on and it looks like immature power play to me - I spoke to one of the teachers in the short after-conference, but while she listened respectfully, she did insist it was about teaching children to set boundaries. I think it is teaching children exclusion and relational aggression, too and suggested they at least balance the message with teaching inclusion as well. I have carefully written out my thoughts in the questionnaire they ask you to fill in about your impressions. I am also planning to bring it up again with the head teacher (who happens to be teaching DS' class) at a general end-of-year-conference I asked for.
What can I do in the meantime to make this easier for DS, who seems to suffer from this policy? DS has again complained several times about children "being nasty" and "saying no" (ie not letting him play/enter the corner) or telling him to "go away". One of the problems seems to be that he is very verbal for his age and wants to play with older children, preferably girls, who I suppose do not take him quite seriously. The other day he explained that he wasn't allowed to join in to the building because he'd destroyed something he wasn't supposed to, and that he always wanted to do what A (almost five yo girl) was doing but did not have the muscles to do it yet". We've asked A to come play at our house and while it went ok it is clear that he is not quite socially ready for the way 5 year olds play. He hasn't been asked back so far, nor has he been asked back by other girls, 3and 5, we've had to play. (To be fair, the weather has been foul and has only recently turned, and everyone's been like "let's get them together when they can play in the garden again"- ITA).
Mostly he mentions being excluded by a 4 yo, K, who I met and who appears to be very forward and bossy, a bit of a leader in the group who enjoys her position. Funny enough, when I visited in class she was the first to ask whether she could come play (and sleep!) at our house. I told her I'd speak to her mom - not a success, the mom, completely different from her daughter, I think a recent immigrant, wears a hijab, does not usually look up and say hello, did not appear to quite understand me at first, was very reticent, and referred to warmer weather and maybe have the playdate at her house.
Today K and DS were playing together when I picked DS up and I told DS again to ask her if she wanted to come play and ask her mom about it, who wasn't there yet - DS would have loved for her to come right away, K first quizzed me about the attractions at our house on offer...I told her again to make sure to ask her mom. I'm happy to take him there too but can't very well offer!
I'm stumped what else to do. It is heartbreaking when you see your child struggling socially. (Not that he does not get the genes for that from both sides of the family, as DH and I have ruefully concluded).
Am I asking too much? Trying too hard? Obviously projecting? Does he just need more time? It's almost been a full school year now and I still feel he is not really part of a group but often excluded...
While we are mostly very happy with the play-based/developmental pre-school DS started at last year, there is one policy that has me worried.
During free play, children will mostly play either board games or play in one of the "corners" (dolls' corner, building corner, reading corner etc). Children have to "ask in" to games and corners: the first child to pick out a game from the shelf or to enter a corner gets to say who can play too and can exclude anyone they do not want to play; however, once another child is in, the child can then "include" others until the max amount of players for the game is reached, or the "corner" is full (four kids to a corner). On my day as "visiting parent", I have noticed quite a bit of excluding going on and it looks like immature power play to me - I spoke to one of the teachers in the short after-conference, but while she listened respectfully, she did insist it was about teaching children to set boundaries. I think it is teaching children exclusion and relational aggression, too and suggested they at least balance the message with teaching inclusion as well. I have carefully written out my thoughts in the questionnaire they ask you to fill in about your impressions. I am also planning to bring it up again with the head teacher (who happens to be teaching DS' class) at a general end-of-year-conference I asked for.
What can I do in the meantime to make this easier for DS, who seems to suffer from this policy? DS has again complained several times about children "being nasty" and "saying no" (ie not letting him play/enter the corner) or telling him to "go away". One of the problems seems to be that he is very verbal for his age and wants to play with older children, preferably girls, who I suppose do not take him quite seriously. The other day he explained that he wasn't allowed to join in to the building because he'd destroyed something he wasn't supposed to, and that he always wanted to do what A (almost five yo girl) was doing but did not have the muscles to do it yet". We've asked A to come play at our house and while it went ok it is clear that he is not quite socially ready for the way 5 year olds play. He hasn't been asked back so far, nor has he been asked back by other girls, 3and 5, we've had to play. (To be fair, the weather has been foul and has only recently turned, and everyone's been like "let's get them together when they can play in the garden again"- ITA).
Mostly he mentions being excluded by a 4 yo, K, who I met and who appears to be very forward and bossy, a bit of a leader in the group who enjoys her position. Funny enough, when I visited in class she was the first to ask whether she could come play (and sleep!) at our house. I told her I'd speak to her mom - not a success, the mom, completely different from her daughter, I think a recent immigrant, wears a hijab, does not usually look up and say hello, did not appear to quite understand me at first, was very reticent, and referred to warmer weather and maybe have the playdate at her house.
Today K and DS were playing together when I picked DS up and I told DS again to ask her if she wanted to come play and ask her mom about it, who wasn't there yet - DS would have loved for her to come right away, K first quizzed me about the attractions at our house on offer...I told her again to make sure to ask her mom. I'm happy to take him there too but can't very well offer!
I'm stumped what else to do. It is heartbreaking when you see your child struggling socially. (Not that he does not get the genes for that from both sides of the family, as DH and I have ruefully concluded).
Am I asking too much? Trying too hard? Obviously projecting? Does he just need more time? It's almost been a full school year now and I still feel he is not really part of a group but often excluded...
." It's pretty much the antithesis of what you've explained here.
And helping children find their voice to express this stuff instead of just allowing them to be passive aggressive (or aggressive aggressive, depending on the preschooler, LOL!) and refusing the child the right to play is part of being a caring teacher.
