You know you're pregnant when . . .

[Alvenchrst]

I'd LOVE to hear more adoptive mom's thoughts on feeling "psychologically pregnant."


http://lifeaccordingtothechristians....pregnant-when/

[RedOakMomma]

For me it was definitely true, though at first I wondered if it was offensive somehow to feel pregnant with another woman's child. Like territorial overlap or something, or greedy because I felt "pregnant" with a child that was probably such heartbreak to place for adoption in the first place.

I'm not sure I could have helped it, though.

In general, I tend to get very emotionally wound up in the expectation of a child...and honestly, pregnancy or adoption it was pretty much the same. I felt pregnant, without the physical symptoms. The joy, the anticipation, the emotional highs and lows, the happiness in dreams and preparation, the nesting, the stress and chocolate consumption ...not a bit different than my pregnancies.

Different, though, in some ways.

While the emotional process was there, every bit of it, the hormonal bonding process was not there, and I felt that when we finally met dd. For us (and I can only speak for us), there was not the insta-bond with dd that we experienced when first holding our newborns. Those birth hormones are powerful stuff, and I missed them with dd. With my bio kids, I held them and felt an incredible instant, mythic connection and knew in my bones they were the home a fierce, fierce love and bond. With dd, it was more like meeting a stranger. Not that a 10 month old can do this, but it felt like we walked around in circles, checking each other out from a distance.

Also, I felt a little betrayed by my "pregnancy" with dd. Not by dd, but by myself and my emotional build-up. If we adopted again, I don't think I'd fall into this trap. With the "pregnancy" of dd, I let myself build a dream child and a dream experience...much like most pregnant women do. The problem was, dd didn't come to us as a blank slate...she came to us as a child with plenty of life experience of her own. That was a complete shocker to me, despite all the reading I'd done about attachment, adoption, etc. I guess I let my pregnancy dreams run away with my heart and expectations, and honestly--I just had no idea what it would be like to start off parenting at 10 months. So how could I really have known? That life experience, or that formed personality, felt so completely alien to my dream-child. I know I got in the way of the bonding we needed, because for a while I needed to learn to let that child, that dream, go.

I should have anticipated that life experience more, I think. I should have spent more pregnancy/waiting time in curiosity about HER, rather than in expectation of US. I think, if I did it again, I would approach it more as an adventure, rather than a fantasy or hope. I should have kept my mind more open, and thrived on the joy of anticipating her, exploring her, getting to know her. My expectations, my hopes, really got in the way.

Also, there's a difference in the "pregnancy"...there's no due date. That will drive a person batty. Truly. My heart ached with the uncertainty, the longing for her.

[Alvenchrst]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

For me it was definitely true, though at first I wondered if it was offensive somehow to feel pregnant with another woman's child. Like territorial overlap or something, or greedy because I felt "pregnant" with a child that was probably such heartbreak to place for adoption in the first place.

I'm not sure I could have helped it, though.

In general, I tend to get very emotionally wound up in the expectation of a child...and honestly, pregnancy or adoption it was pretty much the same. I felt pregnant, without the physical symptoms. The joy, the anticipation, the emotional highs and lows, the happiness in dreams and preparation, the nesting, the stress and chocolate consumption ...not a bit different than my pregnancies.

Different, though, in some ways.

While the emotional process was there, every bit of it, the hormonal bonding process was not there, and I felt that when we finally met dd. For us (and I can only speak for us), there was not the insta-bond with dd that we experienced when first holding our newborns. Those birth hormones are powerful stuff, and I missed them with dd. With my bio kids, I held them and felt an incredible instant, mythic connection and knew in my bones they were the home a fierce, fierce love and bond. With dd, it was more like meeting a stranger. Not that a 10 month old can do this, but it felt like we walked around in circles, checking each other out from a distance.

Also, I felt a little betrayed by my "pregnancy" with dd. Not by dd, but by myself and my emotional build-up. If we adopted again, I don't think I'd fall into this trap. With the "pregnancy" of dd, I let myself build a dream child and a dream experience...much like most pregnant women do. The problem was, dd didn't come to us as a blank slate...she came to us as a child with plenty of life experience of her own. That was a complete shocker to me, despite all the reading I'd done about attachment, adoption, etc. I guess I let my pregnancy dreams run away with my heart and expectations, and honestly--I just had no idea what it would be like to start off parenting at 10 months. So how could I really have known? That life experience, or that formed personality, felt so completely alien to my dream-child. I know I got in the way of the bonding we needed, because for a while I needed to learn to let that child, that dream, go.

I should have anticipated that life experience more, I think. I should have spent more pregnancy/waiting time in curiosity about HER, rather than in expectation of US. I think, if I did it again, I would approach it more as an adventure, rather than a fantasy or hope. I should have kept my mind more open, and thrived on the joy of anticipating her, exploring her, getting to know her. My expectations, my hopes, really got in the way.

Also, there's a difference in the "pregnancy"...there's no due date. That will drive a person batty. Truly. My heart ached with the uncertainty, the longing for her.

WOW! That was SO honest and helpful. Thank you SO much for sharing your experiences. I will be keeping that in mind.

[Laurel]

When we were waiting to adopt our first child, I completely embraced the idea of the psychological pregnancy. I think at that time in my life, I needed that experience. I would never be an "expectant mom" in the traditional sense, but I was determined to make the most of what I did have. I spent my waiting time immersed in preparing for a baby and in preparing for parenthood. I think it served me well--when our son finally arrived, I was VERY well prepared and ready for him. But it was definitely hard! Giving yourself over to a psychological pregnancy definitely puts you in a position of feeling more pain over the absence of that child. I used to tell people that regular pregnancy is characterized by the presence of your child, but adoptive pregnancy is characterized by that child's absence--and that make the two experiences significantly different. That and what ROM just said about the lack of a due date. The whole adoptive experience just feels so much more abstract, and there were times of discouragement where I felt like maybe it was just all in my head, something I was making up to help myself feel better.

With our second, I did not do much emotional preparation. It had been so hard while waiting for #1, and now I had a child and life was great, and I just didn't really go there emotionally. Well, we ended up getting our dd on two days notice, which wouldn't have been such a big deal if she hadn't arrived in the middle of my mil's funeral. Life was CRAZY, and the whole experience was one big whirlwind. I had a hard time adjusting, and I think a lot of it was that I had not let myself be "pregnant". So I think there is great value in the experience of a psychological pregnancy to help you be ready to meet and fall in love with your child.

However, I really liked this:

RedOakMomma wrote:

I should have anticipated that life experience more, I think. I should have spent more pregnancy/waiting time in curiosity about HER, rather than in expectation of US. I think, if I did it again, I would approach it more as an adventure, rather than a fantasy or hope. I should have kept my mind more open, and thrived on the joy of anticipating her, exploring her, getting to know her. My expectations, my hopes, really got in the way.

Even though we have adopted newborns, I still think this is just so insightful, and it would have helped me to approach things more this way.

Now we are waiting for #3, and while I really see the value of allowing myself to experience a "pregnancy", and I know that because of that process, my first adoption experience went so much more smoothly than my second... I am having a hard time getting myself in that mode. I'm a busy mom of two children, and it's hard to make the energy and focus for something that is so abstract. I'm sure it will be easier when we are matched, but what if it's two days again? Or two hours? That is just not enough time, IMO.

[Alvenchrst]

Laurel, thank you for your insight, it's extremely helpful to me!

[Sierra]

I have a hard time characterizing my experiences as "pyschological pregnancies," but I would definitely say there were periods of preparation and/or intense focus.

I remember when we were changing our license to foster-adopt, and lowering our age group from 8-18 to 0-9, we re-painted and re-designed the children's bedroom to make it a friendly space for younger children...more "nursery style." The other day I was looking at some old sent messages in my email, trying to find something, and I stumbled upon an email in which I sent pictures of the redesigned room to the family and friends to whom I send out a periodic family newsletter. I feel a little embarassed to look back on it now. It just seems silly. But back then it felt so important to me and so special to have that room ready.

I also remember going to a (young) children's consignment shop near us that had a dollar rack (all nice things that just didn't happen to sell by the time they were hanging up the latest items) and buying nearly the whole rack in one swoop...all sizes, both genders. I was there all the freakin' time...at least a couple times each month.

And I remember sleeping with the "lovie" that we were going to give to our child upon first meeting. I wanted it to have our smell. Sure enough, when I met ds in the hospital, I brought it with me, and it stayed in his bassinet until discharge.

About the "no due date" thing, I remember that aching and waiting-by-the phone feeling...hoping every call might be a placement.

dd, was an unexpected placement, so we didn't do as much. ds was still only 17 months old. We had two weeks during which we knew about dd but it was uncertain if she would be placed with us. For those two weeks, we didn't do a lot because (1) our home was totally set up for babies, and (2) we didn't want to get too attached to the idea of her coming to us. We found out for sure she would be coming to us on maybe a Thursday or Friday and couldn't pick her up until Monday. I remember going nuts waiting for her...a lot like the way a really-prego mom is at the very end of her pregnancy when she is so. ready. to. just. give. birth. already.

[mamalemon]

Oh yes, did I ever! What was especially interesting was that DH shared a lot of the "symptoms" with me. DH had recurring dreams about twins (yikes!) and I did a lot of preparation/nesting. You know that feeling in the last couple weeks of your pregnancy where you are sure that the baby will never come and you will be pregnant forever? I did that one too. Two days before we got the call for DS, I was in tears with my husband saying that I was sure a child would never come and that I couldn't handle the waiting anymore (Funny enough - it was exactly 9 months from our first call to DHHS to the day that we got our call about DS).

It all is a way of processing and coping with the wait. Preparing helps to fill that highly emotional time with something - anything - other than just waiting. Like all of those pregnancy and baby care books I read cover to cover, I did the same with literature on adoption. Because what else can you do? You want to connect with that little person on some level; prepare your mind and your heart for them the only way that you can. And in the end, those books didn't cover most of the questions I eneded up having and I laughed at half of the advice they gave. Still, you have to cope some how.

Good luck to you and your family, A.
- Chloe

[Alvenchrst]

Thanks for all the great replies!

chloe, I found a read your adoption story a few days ago, how WONDERFUL! What a great story, I'm so happy for you!

Ashley