I have been doing a lot of personal growing and parent growing lately. In an effort to understand more about my kids developmental stages and get suggestions/techniques for improving some particular issues we were having, I sought out a family therapist. Well, now I'm not so sure the therapist and I are on the same page. So I am turning to the online community of like-minded parents for input. This will be a book. Please only read if you are interested in sharing your ideas, insights, techniques, successes and failures. Otherwise, it might be rather boring. 
This therapist, R, helped me understand and process my unexpected cesarean with my first child. It was a great experience for me and helped me grow in so many ways. I felt like I had someone on my side, someone who listened to me, who allowed me to vent and didn't judge me. This time, however, I do not feel like she is listening. I feel like she is assuming what I am saying instead of actually listening to what I am saying. I also feel like she (unintentionally) suggests that I change certain parenting ideals for a more mainstream technique. But I am unsure about that. Maybe the technique will work, maybe not. But will I feel like a good parent if I change a parenting belief?
Ex. 1: Weaning my 15 mos. old daughter, E. She nurses maybe 5 times a day but quite a bit at night. We co-sleep but I want to start transitioning her to a bed in the kids' room. I nurse E to sleep at nap time and bedtime. There are some days that E is so worked up that I cannot transfer her to her bed after she falls off the breast. She wakes up screaming within minutes and I can either nurse her to sleep again or allow her to stay awake. I usually nurse her back to sleep so she gets at least 30 minutes of nap time but this means that I do not get any alone time during the day (my 3 yr. old, G, has quiet time in his room during her nap time). I am a much calmer, happier mommy when I've had time to myself during the day.
R has suggested weaning during the day and allowing E to learn to self-soothe to sleep. I don't disagree that E needs to learn to self-soothe but I don't know how to teach her that. I did not get any suggestions from R on how to teach this. My son, G, was rocked to sleep every night until the week after his 1st birthday. He then decided he didn't want to be rocked and has fallen asleep on his own ever since. I thought/assumed E would also decide one day to fall asleep on her own and have just been waiting.
Ex. 2: R suggested putting G and E in some sort of daycare/Mother's Day Out program a few times a week so the kids get socialization and I get a break. I like the idea but cannot afford the idea. I tried to join a playgroup but the events were not timed well to work with our schedule/routine. Plus there wouldn't be a break for me as I would have to be there. I also am not sure how much socialization the kids need. I know humans used to live in communities and all the kids probably formed one large group that played/learned together. But I am so isolated, as are so many other parents these days, that I don't know how much is too little, how much is too much, how much is just enough. I don't want to be in a car all the time driving from one event to the next. I don't want to start managing my 3 yr. old's social calendar, especially when I don't even have one!
I am really unsure if I want/need to continue seeing the therapist right now. I do not feel like I am getting what I think I need out of the sessions. However, I do not like butting my head against my kids' day in/day out either. I dislike the place we are in right now but maybe that's due to their ages more than anything else.
I can say that the Supernanny Naughty Step Technique has helped my son a lot (that was suggested by R). He does so much better when there are firm boundaries, firm rules, firm routine in place. He still pushes but he is a much more secure, happy, agreeable child when I am a calm, firm parent. I'm not sure what will work with my daughter. She is too young for time-out but she is starting to throw these awesome, high-volume temper tantrums. Redirection is not in her vocabulary.
Am I all over the place? Is this understandable? I would like input/advice/suggestions on whether I should continue seeing R, whether I should day-wean my daughter to somehow teach self-soothing, what techniques I can use to teach self-soothing (if possible), how to make time for myself during the day, how to socialize my kids, anything else you might think useful.
I am super-insecure about being a parent. I feel sometimes that any mistake I make will screw up my kids for ever. Dramatic, I know, but a real, deep emotion within. My logical mind knows that I am too hard on myself, that I didn't go to parenting school but I have yet to incorporate that into my being. It is also late at night and I think I've quit making any sense at all. I appreciate anything!
This therapist, R, helped me understand and process my unexpected cesarean with my first child. It was a great experience for me and helped me grow in so many ways. I felt like I had someone on my side, someone who listened to me, who allowed me to vent and didn't judge me. This time, however, I do not feel like she is listening. I feel like she is assuming what I am saying instead of actually listening to what I am saying. I also feel like she (unintentionally) suggests that I change certain parenting ideals for a more mainstream technique. But I am unsure about that. Maybe the technique will work, maybe not. But will I feel like a good parent if I change a parenting belief?
Ex. 1: Weaning my 15 mos. old daughter, E. She nurses maybe 5 times a day but quite a bit at night. We co-sleep but I want to start transitioning her to a bed in the kids' room. I nurse E to sleep at nap time and bedtime. There are some days that E is so worked up that I cannot transfer her to her bed after she falls off the breast. She wakes up screaming within minutes and I can either nurse her to sleep again or allow her to stay awake. I usually nurse her back to sleep so she gets at least 30 minutes of nap time but this means that I do not get any alone time during the day (my 3 yr. old, G, has quiet time in his room during her nap time). I am a much calmer, happier mommy when I've had time to myself during the day.
R has suggested weaning during the day and allowing E to learn to self-soothe to sleep. I don't disagree that E needs to learn to self-soothe but I don't know how to teach her that. I did not get any suggestions from R on how to teach this. My son, G, was rocked to sleep every night until the week after his 1st birthday. He then decided he didn't want to be rocked and has fallen asleep on his own ever since. I thought/assumed E would also decide one day to fall asleep on her own and have just been waiting.
Ex. 2: R suggested putting G and E in some sort of daycare/Mother's Day Out program a few times a week so the kids get socialization and I get a break. I like the idea but cannot afford the idea. I tried to join a playgroup but the events were not timed well to work with our schedule/routine. Plus there wouldn't be a break for me as I would have to be there. I also am not sure how much socialization the kids need. I know humans used to live in communities and all the kids probably formed one large group that played/learned together. But I am so isolated, as are so many other parents these days, that I don't know how much is too little, how much is too much, how much is just enough. I don't want to be in a car all the time driving from one event to the next. I don't want to start managing my 3 yr. old's social calendar, especially when I don't even have one!
I am really unsure if I want/need to continue seeing the therapist right now. I do not feel like I am getting what I think I need out of the sessions. However, I do not like butting my head against my kids' day in/day out either. I dislike the place we are in right now but maybe that's due to their ages more than anything else.
I can say that the Supernanny Naughty Step Technique has helped my son a lot (that was suggested by R). He does so much better when there are firm boundaries, firm rules, firm routine in place. He still pushes but he is a much more secure, happy, agreeable child when I am a calm, firm parent. I'm not sure what will work with my daughter. She is too young for time-out but she is starting to throw these awesome, high-volume temper tantrums. Redirection is not in her vocabulary.
Am I all over the place? Is this understandable? I would like input/advice/suggestions on whether I should continue seeing R, whether I should day-wean my daughter to somehow teach self-soothing, what techniques I can use to teach self-soothing (if possible), how to make time for myself during the day, how to socialize my kids, anything else you might think useful.
I am super-insecure about being a parent. I feel sometimes that any mistake I make will screw up my kids for ever. Dramatic, I know, but a real, deep emotion within. My logical mind knows that I am too hard on myself, that I didn't go to parenting school but I have yet to incorporate that into my being. It is also late at night and I think I've quit making any sense at all. I appreciate anything!
)
If a therapist starting giving me advice like that about parenting I would flat tell her that she is going outside the scope of her training and she needs to back off. There are as many different schools of thought on parenting as there are parents. If you feel like her advice isn't stuff that will work for your family, totally ignore it.
to some excerpts. The book tells how our parenting effects our child's neurological and emotional development. I already had a nurturing parenting style and the book gave me more confidence and understanding about my choices. It helped me stopped second guessing myself. It's written by a children's mental health expert and based on hard research.
) because I'll have a few weeks where I feel pretty confident in my parenting, the kids and I are on the same page and everything is peachy. Then it goes downhill. This whole week has been....not awesome. I've been using time-out left and right for my son and it hasn't seemed to make much of a difference. It worked well (or at least seemed to) when we first started it about 6 weeks ago. Then I didn't put him in time-out for almost two weeks - because he didn't do anything to warrant it! Now, it's every hour, I think. I got really mad and frustrated today and popped him. I cannot even describe how much I hate that I did that. I have apologized to him and in no way advocate any parent ever doing that (please don't lock this thread!).
-I don't think you really need counseling as much as you are just a mom who has 2 young children and life is sometimes sucky as a mom to small children, believe me I know, I could have written much of your last post.
