This will probably be rambling too...
First, it sounds to me like she's not meeting your needs. You don't seem to need to talk to someone about your parenting as you do about your anxiety. Now part of your anxiety is related to your parenting, but if you weren't a parent, I guarantee it'd be about something else (guess how I know?).
A family therapist is going to look to change family dynamics. She might not be comfortable doing personal stuff. Is she the right therapist for you right now? You need your therapist to be a good fit. A perfectly competent therapist who's not addressing your needs isn't a good one for you now.
You've said this twice, so I can tell it's a really big fear of yours.
A couple of thoughts about this. First, humans are designed to be resilient. We're actually designed to learn a lot by trial and error. We do not imprint like geese. Thus, any one mistake you make is unlikely to be remembered by your child, let alone turn them into Sauron.
Second, my kids are 6 and 9 now, and I've made far more mistakes than I care to admit. I've lost my temper and spanked both of them at times. I'm truly ashamed of that. We went through a brief period with both kids where we tried the "lock them in the room" kind of time out. (It failed miserably and I felt horrible about it, so we abandoned it pretty quickly - we still do 'go to your room and cool off' time outs, but it's different.)
I still yell more than I like. I'm sometimes just too tired to give dd the attention she needs. Last night, for example, she wanted to play Clue Jr. 10 minutes before bed. I was too tired to do that with her and we didn't have time. Poor child, she sobbed madly. (We eventually compromised on reading a book.)
Despite all of my failures, my kids think that I'm a good mom. They love me, they're attached to me and they forgive me.
Third, mistakes give you an opportunity to model for your children how you recover from making a mistake or being wrong. Some of the most anxious people I know are people whose parents were never 'wrong' and who never tolerated mistakes. Learning that the world does not end, even when you screw up royally, is a powerful message that your children can take into the future with them. Learning that you deserve an apology when someone else, especially someone more powerful than you, screws up, will give your children a great sense of their own worth. Learning that you can make amends when you screw up will give your children power over the mistakes, rather than learning to be controlled by them.
Two anecdotes to illustrate my point:
Last night, dd was dancing around (literally) instead of taking stuff out of the bathroom so we could wash the floor during chore time. After the 2nd or 3rd reminder for her to stay on task, I lost it and yelled at her. Her response? "You shouldn't yell at me! That scared me!" I apologized. I could never have stuck up for myself with my parents like she did with me. I'm amazed at the strength of spirit she has (she was born with this), and pleased that my parenting has at least allowed her to feel comfortable defending herself. I'm by no means a perfect parent, but she can deal with this.
Second anecdote: Several months ago, I ran into a pedestrian while turning left. There were lots of mitigating factors (an unfamiliar neighborhood, a left turn signal that didn't go on), but the truth of the matter was: I screwed up. Luckily I was going about 5 mph and didn't hurt her badly (though I knocked her down). I felt terrible. Horrible. Awful. I had to explain to dd what had happened (she wasn't in the car, but I had to have dh come pick her up from daycare because I was in no shape to do so).
We talked about the consequences of what I did - I hurt someone, and I got a ticket, and that I felt really bad. Dd learned that even this really big mistake was not too big to talk about. She learned that the consequences of this really big mistake weren't too awful.
Dd, bless her, did everything she could to help me feel better. She gave me a big hug on the day it happened. When we were talking about it the next day, she said "Well, at least you didn't ruin 3 cars like Aunt M did with her accident!" (My sister, when first learning to drive, drove into a line of parked cars and totaled them.) My screwing up allowed my daughter to demonstrate and employ her skills in empathy. If I were a perfect parent, she'd never be able to do that.
I would recommend the book "Women's Moods" - it's a really good description of how our moods can be influenced by hormones. It's also got a nice plan for self-care that you can implement when you know that you're coming up on a hard time.
I know that cycle well!
One thing that I know makes a huge difference to my parenting is self care. When I'm worn down, I do not have the reserves to deal with needy kids. The last 2-3 weeks have been really hard at our house because we've all been super busy. It's the end of the school year, we're all busy, we're down to a single car, we're out of sync with schedules, the kids are growing like weeds (seriously, dd has grown 1 1/2" in 3 weeks, ds has gone up 2 shoe sizes about an 1" in a month), and parenting has been hard. Not so much because my kids are any 'worse' than usual (they're really good kids), but because my reserves are so low.
Thus, I do think that the idea of a Moms Day Out or a playgroup or something is a good idea. Not so much to socialize your kids, but because moms need socialization. Remember, much of human civilization evolved in small nomadic bands and later villages. We were not designed to raise 2.5 kids with one parent. We were designed, as humans, to live in a group and have the full resources of a community to rely on.
I think your idea of becoming a LLL Leader is a great one. If it's something you love and think you can do, what better way to get out a bit, socialize and take care of some of your needs!
Sounds to me like you handled it well and rationally. You're overwhelmed you need a break. good for you for calling for help.
Time for potty training? It sounds like he didn't want to feel wet? Can you make lemonade out of this lemon?
I conclude my novel here by saying that your kids are at the ages I found very difficult. I know some people love babies and toddlers, but give me older kids any day of the week! They're at an age where you have to be constantly vigilant, they have little or no impulse control and iffy to no ability to articulate what they're thinking.
You sound like you're a loving, caring parent who's doing the best she can. The fact that you're looking to improve your skills and understanding bodes well for the future.
First, it sounds to me like she's not meeting your needs. You don't seem to need to talk to someone about your parenting as you do about your anxiety. Now part of your anxiety is related to your parenting, but if you weren't a parent, I guarantee it'd be about something else (guess how I know?).
A family therapist is going to look to change family dynamics. She might not be comfortable doing personal stuff. Is she the right therapist for you right now? You need your therapist to be a good fit. A perfectly competent therapist who's not addressing your needs isn't a good one for you now.
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Originally Posted by ariatrance
I am super-insecure about being a parent. I feel sometimes that any mistake I make will screw up my kids for ever. Dramatic, I know, but a real, deep emotion within. My logical mind knows that I am too hard on myself, that I didn't go to parenting school but I have yet to incorporate that into my being. It is also late at night and I think I've quit making any sense at all. I appreciate anything!
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by ariatrance
I have this deep fear that any one thing I do may be THE thing that screws my kid up for life, makes him/her/both into evil over-lords seeking to destroy the earth as it was destroyed for him/her/them. Perhaps I just watch too many bad movies....
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A couple of thoughts about this. First, humans are designed to be resilient. We're actually designed to learn a lot by trial and error. We do not imprint like geese. Thus, any one mistake you make is unlikely to be remembered by your child, let alone turn them into Sauron.
Second, my kids are 6 and 9 now, and I've made far more mistakes than I care to admit. I've lost my temper and spanked both of them at times. I'm truly ashamed of that. We went through a brief period with both kids where we tried the "lock them in the room" kind of time out. (It failed miserably and I felt horrible about it, so we abandoned it pretty quickly - we still do 'go to your room and cool off' time outs, but it's different.)
I still yell more than I like. I'm sometimes just too tired to give dd the attention she needs. Last night, for example, she wanted to play Clue Jr. 10 minutes before bed. I was too tired to do that with her and we didn't have time. Poor child, she sobbed madly. (We eventually compromised on reading a book.)
Despite all of my failures, my kids think that I'm a good mom. They love me, they're attached to me and they forgive me.
Third, mistakes give you an opportunity to model for your children how you recover from making a mistake or being wrong. Some of the most anxious people I know are people whose parents were never 'wrong' and who never tolerated mistakes. Learning that the world does not end, even when you screw up royally, is a powerful message that your children can take into the future with them. Learning that you deserve an apology when someone else, especially someone more powerful than you, screws up, will give your children a great sense of their own worth. Learning that you can make amends when you screw up will give your children power over the mistakes, rather than learning to be controlled by them.
Two anecdotes to illustrate my point:
Last night, dd was dancing around (literally) instead of taking stuff out of the bathroom so we could wash the floor during chore time. After the 2nd or 3rd reminder for her to stay on task, I lost it and yelled at her. Her response? "You shouldn't yell at me! That scared me!" I apologized. I could never have stuck up for myself with my parents like she did with me. I'm amazed at the strength of spirit she has (she was born with this), and pleased that my parenting has at least allowed her to feel comfortable defending herself. I'm by no means a perfect parent, but she can deal with this.
Second anecdote: Several months ago, I ran into a pedestrian while turning left. There were lots of mitigating factors (an unfamiliar neighborhood, a left turn signal that didn't go on), but the truth of the matter was: I screwed up. Luckily I was going about 5 mph and didn't hurt her badly (though I knocked her down). I felt terrible. Horrible. Awful. I had to explain to dd what had happened (she wasn't in the car, but I had to have dh come pick her up from daycare because I was in no shape to do so).
We talked about the consequences of what I did - I hurt someone, and I got a ticket, and that I felt really bad. Dd learned that even this really big mistake was not too big to talk about. She learned that the consequences of this really big mistake weren't too awful.
Dd, bless her, did everything she could to help me feel better. She gave me a big hug on the day it happened. When we were talking about it the next day, she said "Well, at least you didn't ruin 3 cars like Aunt M did with her accident!" (My sister, when first learning to drive, drove into a line of parked cars and totaled them.) My screwing up allowed my daughter to demonstrate and employ her skills in empathy. If I were a perfect parent, she'd never be able to do that.
Quote:
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Originally Posted by ariatrance
I think I must go in cycles (maybe hormonal?
 ) because I'll have a few weeks where I feel pretty confident in my parenting, the kids and I are on the same page and everything is peachy. Then it goes downhill. This whole week has been....not awesome. |
Quote:
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Originally Posted by ariatrance
I think this is why I sought a therapist's input in the first place. I cannot understand why I am like this (anger being the first and sometimes only response). I cannot understand why there is no consistency in my daily life - I'm on a routine, pretty strict about the timing of meals and sleep, same errands on the same days, etc. I guess my kids are just not consistent because they are 3 and 1 - I overestimate their abilities sometimes.
I have no idea where this post is going. I think I've had a little too much chocolate and not enough exercise today. |
One thing that I know makes a huge difference to my parenting is self care. When I'm worn down, I do not have the reserves to deal with needy kids. The last 2-3 weeks have been really hard at our house because we've all been super busy. It's the end of the school year, we're all busy, we're down to a single car, we're out of sync with schedules, the kids are growing like weeds (seriously, dd has grown 1 1/2" in 3 weeks, ds has gone up 2 shoe sizes about an 1" in a month), and parenting has been hard. Not so much because my kids are any 'worse' than usual (they're really good kids), but because my reserves are so low.
Thus, I do think that the idea of a Moms Day Out or a playgroup or something is a good idea. Not so much to socialize your kids, but because moms need socialization. Remember, much of human civilization evolved in small nomadic bands and later villages. We were not designed to raise 2.5 kids with one parent. We were designed, as humans, to live in a group and have the full resources of a community to rely on.
I think your idea of becoming a LLL Leader is a great one. If it's something you love and think you can do, what better way to get out a bit, socialize and take care of some of your needs!
Quote:
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Originally Posted by ariatrance
ETA: I just went in to check on the 'napping' children. My son pulled his nap diaper off, peed on his pillow and put his diaper back on. Exactly how do I deal with that in a rational manner? I am so livid right now, I called my husband to come home so I can leave the house, which will take about 30 minutes.
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Time for potty training? It sounds like he didn't want to feel wet? Can you make lemonade out of this lemon?
I conclude my novel here by saying that your kids are at the ages I found very difficult. I know some people love babies and toddlers, but give me older kids any day of the week! They're at an age where you have to be constantly vigilant, they have little or no impulse control and iffy to no ability to articulate what they're thinking.
You sound like you're a loving, caring parent who's doing the best she can. The fact that you're looking to improve your skills and understanding bodes well for the future.
