I didn't think it would be this hard . . .

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

My LO is seven weeks and I have to go back to work in about three. I am the breadwinner in the family as my earning potential is about double that of DH's and the benefits I have with my job are pretty much unmatched. I went to school for a very long time to have the career I have, and I know a lot of people who envy my position. DH will be a SAHD and will likely work part time in the evenings, so DD won't be in daycare, and we will be able to continue attachment parenting with her.

I really love my job - it's pretty much my dream job. And yet, all I can think of is that I HATE it that I have no choice but to return to work. It feels so wrong. I know in my heart that I am supposed to stay home with my child and that even though she will have her father with her that it's really supposed to be me. The strangest part of all of it is that these feelings have blindsided me. I didn't expect to want to be a SAHM. I didn't think I would like it or that I had it in me, but I was totally wrong. I am so sad that I have to WOH and I just didn't have any idea I would feel this way. I've cried about it pretty much every day for the last two weeks.

I'm not looking for solutions because there aren't any. I cannot give up my position because of the benefits, and at this point, there is absolutely no way DH could support us both anyway because of our monthly expenses (working our way out of some embarrassingly serious debt). There is a slim possibility I could temporary drop down to part time, and I am exploring it, but that doesn't solve the problem because I feel like I just don't belong working any longer since my daughter was born. I guess I'm just sad that women worked so hard to have all of these great opportunities and I've benefited from their hard work only to wish it were all gone so that I could just be a SAHM like I feel I was meant to be. KWIM?

[philomom]

I ran a new mother's support group for 7 years at an Atlanta hospital. In those years I met all kinds of mothers. There were the occasional women like yourself that felt blindsided and taken apart at the seams by the sudden NEED to be with their baby. A couple of moms quit. A couple managed to find part-time positions and a couple went on back to work with tears in their eyes. Each mom has to decide what's best for her own family.

Good luck.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I cant even imagine what it is like. Just the thought made me feel as though I was loosing my mind

[Fuamami]

I felt like you did, but went back to work when my dd was 6 weeks old. She was in daycare, however. I think I would have felt a lot better if she had been w/dh. Anyway, when she was about six months old, I decided to quit and SAH. And while that was great, I have to admit that it was a lot of work, pretty boring much of the time, and actually pretty depressing.

I write this to say that I know you will miss her like crazy and that it will be heartbreaking to leave her, because I felt the same. But, there's another side of that coin, you know?

[intrepidmother]

It's WAY harder than expected! Nobody except momma's understand.

[mambera]

I felt *exactly* the same. And I also have a career I love and expected to be the kind of person who would be bored home with a baby and itching to get back to work.

OMG it was HORRIBLE. I cried in the car driving to work every day for ages. DD was home with my MIL (I'll be forever grateful to her for stepping in and saving DD from daycare at 8 weeks) otherwise I probably would have quit my job. Which would have been SUCH a dumb idea.

(My very well-meaning, childless boss asked what the hardest part was - was it the sleep deprivation? - and I looked at her as if she had two heads and nearly burst into tears. Sleep deprivation? Who cared about sleep deprivation? I was torturing my darling child by depriving her of her mama, I should worry about my own sleep issues?? I guess nobody who isn't a mother could understand.)

It does get better as the baby gets older. I was able to drop down to part time, which has been fabulous. I'll be going back to f/t next month but it's so much better now that DD is over a year.

See if you can negotiate the p/t thing. It makes such a huge difference even if it is only temporary. The baby is only so small and needy for a little while.

[bobandjess99]

You are not alone, i too was blidnsided the same way. NEVER considered i wouldn't remain a career woman. Had dd.....and everthing changed. I spent the final few weeks of my maternity leave crying....couldn't stand to think about it.....stopped buying stuff....because all i could think of was "for the price of this, I could spend another *2 days, half day, week,etc* at home with my baby.
At first, my work was unable to allow me to work PT, so after a truly heartwrenchign decision, i quit my job! For a month, before they called, wanting me back!!! In the end, I was able to work it out with my work that I returned part time. I have, in the last 6 years since then, gone on to have another child...and have remained in the same job at various levels of employment,from short breaks where i dont work at all, to very pt employment (5-10 hours per week) all the way up to 20-30 hours per week. It has worked fabulously for us. I am actually returning in 2 weeks to a near-full time position, and am scared and nervous and yet thrilled and excited all at once. If it works out, I could possibly return to true full time employment around the end of the year. My kids will be 6 and 3 then.
The financial sacrifices were insane...we live in a tiny house in a very low COL area, we have amassed a LOT of CC debt simply to live (but consider it well worth it, as the price to pay for getting to be with my kids) but all in all....I know I'll never look back and think "I'm really sorry i stayed at home with my kids while they were young". It has really worked out very well for us.

[Ruby2]

I felt EXACTLY the same way! I went back to work when dd was 10 weeks, but had saved a few sick days and stayed part time for another 2 weeks to ease back in to things.

It still really sucks to be away from dd for so many hours, but truthfully, the anticipation was MUCH worse than the reality. I had the new nanny come for a few hours while I was still at home to let dd get used to her while I ran errands and it was awful. I sobbed uncontrollably and called all of my mom friends. But I got home and dd was FINE and happy. And she's been the same every day since. I had a few hard days at work and every day is still a little sad when I think about what I'm missing, but nothing was as bad as that first day.

Now at six months, dd is one of the happiest, calmest, most sociable babies I've ever seen. I think it has a little bit to do with the fact that she's not by herself with me all day every day. But her face still lights up when I get home and she immediately wants to nurse, even if she just had a bottle. It really helps me that we cosleep and we get to hang out with each other for about an hour every morning. This means that I have to get up VERY early to get ready before she gets up, but it's priceless to me to have that time in the morning.

I hear you about the whole women's rights issue. I am still pretty conflicted about that. I know that regardless of laws that protect us, my employers knew they were taking a risk hiring a female of "child-bearing age" and crossed their fingers hoping I would come back from maternity leave. I felt so pressured to not let them down (among many other issues!)...it's such a weird position to be in. I wish there was a solution, but I have no idea what it could be. My personal solution was to go back and try really hard not to think that I had another option, because I (like you) really didn't if I wanted my family to maintain our quality of life. I'm proud of my choice and hope my daughter will be proud of me some day.

[PluggingAway]

Yes, OP, I know what you mean. I can really relate to your post. My oldest dc is 4 yo. I went back to work full-time when he was 12 weeks old. It has been a gut-wrenching, soul-searching journey. I too feel like I have "no choice" in the matter. DH has a chronic illness and it would be selfish of me to stay home. I will tell you that looking back at the last 4 years, our family has not only survived, but actually thrived. I considered part-time for awhile and received some excellent advice from here (wish I knew how to link my old thread). Just a few things to keep in mind...the grass is sometimes greener on the other side, focus on the positives, the anticipation of it all is sometimes worse than the reality, quality child care makes a world of difference, and part-time work can have some down sides--financial stress, shift in expectations from coworkers and family members, etc.
Good Luck!

[Jend1002]

Just another post to chime in and say you are not alone. I used to love my job and was completed knocked off my feet by the change in my feelings once I had my son. I really don't have a choice so here I am - working away, but I wish I wasn't.

It really is great that your DH can be home with you LO. I hope that this helps you with your transition back to work.

[laurabfig]

I worked part time (6-20 hours/week) about 5 months after having my daughter, but with my son, only got 6 weeks maternity and had to be back at a demanding 20 hr/week job. It was definitely hard, but now, 6 years later- I'm thankful that I didn't quit my career completely, even for a short stint. For me it was the best decision in the long run to stick with it. There is lots of research out there that shows there are some benefits of working outside the home on a woman's self-image, health, relationships, and even her children- most of it is reviewed in the first few chapters of the book Getting to 50/50. While the book is written about 2 parent working families, it helped me to see the actual research that supports working-mom-hood. This is not to say that ALL mothers should work- some women feel very fulfilled by staying at home, but if you don't have a choice and its hard to be working outside the home, it does help to see some statistics to back up the positive aspects.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

Thanks for all the feedback. I am thinking maybe I will try to stay part time a little longer than I originally planned. My fingers are crossed that DH gets a job so I can stretch the part time out a little. My hope is that once I am back I won't hate it too much and maybe even like it a little. My job is intense and immensely fulfilling so that isn't out of the question. Also, I live close by so I will take long lunches at home as frequently as possible and I have a super short commute so at least the time spent in the car will be minimal. I know long term that my working is a good thing for everyone, especially DD who can see that she can really do anything she sets her mind to.

But none of that matters when I look at her because even one minute away from her is too long - I just have to find a way to cope, and keep telling myself I am not doing permanent damage to her (or myself) by not being there for her all day.

[honeybunmom]

I kind of know what you're feeling, except that I always wanted to be a SAHM, despite having earned a law degree. I practiced 6 years before I met my husband. I'm in my 13th year, now. I never thought I wouldn't be able to be at home at. all. We would be on public assistance if I did not work. Because I can work, and I do have great earning potential, going that route just is not a choice for me. And my dh is at home with our kids. We have two, now, and it is harder for me after the second because my evening time is just so limited. Our dd is pre-school age and we have found a wonderful program for her . . . totally not geared to working parents since the day originally only went to 12:30 and after care only until 3pm! Anyway, our son will go when he is of age, but, fortunately, we're in a new school under the same philosophy of education except they have extended care until 6pm and are open on all holidays except the ones generally everyone gets, like Memorial Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Years.

On the up side, I was fortunate enough to have 6 mos maternity leaves. Half paid, half unpaid. And, for a period, I had every other Friday off. I do look forward to having some type of flexibility again in the future.

When you can focus on the fact that your child is with your partner (and not on the fact that he is living your new dream . . . BTDT and it only leads to resentment), it actually frees you to do your job. And when they do get older and go through really sucky phases, you're kinda thankful that you only have to deal with a few hours of it each day. Fortunately, dd is coming out of such a phase now.

[mks1014]

I had to return to work after 3 months off as well. It was very hard. My husband stays at home and we are in the same situation. There is no way I can quit. I don't make a lot, but I make enough to support us and live decently. We have no family around, so there is no support. I actually adjusted much better then I thought, however I knew from the beginning I wanted to SAH. I knew it wasn't a possibility. I must say, DH and I have gotten into some fights . He is AMAZING with her. I couldn't ask for more, but I get very very upset when I realize he is with her all the time. Most of my friends are SAHM and I think how in the heck am I the breadwinner. Well, the little girl is waking, but I'm glad to find this thread!

[Mama_of_1]

I totally feel what you're saying! I had to return at 11 weeks not by choice either. When I was pregnant, my DH and I agreed that I would stay home about 6 mos. Well, midway through he lost his job and the benefits that went with it. He makes much more than I do but because of various medical issues, we would literally go broke just paying for individual coverage so I HAD to return to work. It gets to me too, but I guess some days I just push it away and refocus on what I am here to do and look forward to the time that I pick her up and she reaches up to me when she sees me walk in.

Hang in there. I can't say that it gets better, but I guess you get used to it being the way it is.

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

I go back on Tuesday. I've been doing so well the last two weeks, and today I cried all day and I'm feeling less stable than I have since DD was born. I'm so afraid of becoming irrelevant and I just feel sick knowing I only have two days left.

[Mama_of_1]

I'm so sorry, Mama! You are very relevant and very valued by your DD! You don't have to make any major decisions, just take it one day at a time, one moment at a time, one client or meeting or whatever at a time. You'll be working close so you can pop in at home at lunch and you know that your DD is safe with her Daddy. Honestly, I'd love it if my DH was able to stay home (if I HAD to continue working, that is) - for me it'd be better than taking our DD to someone else's house every morning.

Just take some deep breaths and stay focused on the "now" and the moments that you DO have with your baby girl.

[belcat]

Thankful to hear I'm not alone

I've been home w/ my 1st for 8 weeks and I have to go back to work in 2 weeks. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it. I didn't think it would be this hard either. I'm not sure I'd be happy as a SAHM but would love to have the ability to stay at home until she's at least 6 mos. I can't change things now....but I'm thankful to have others to talk to as my hubby doesn't understand.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by 1stTimeMama4/4/10

I go back on Tuesday. I've been doing so well the last two weeks, and today I cried all day and I'm feeling less stable than I have since DD was born. I'm so afraid of becoming irrelevant and I just feel sick knowing I only have two days left.

Deep breath! You are NOT going to become irrelevant! Instead, when you get home your dd is going to be SO excited! And your DH might even be slightly resentful of it, b/c your dd is going to be with him all day, and so he's going to be boring and then you'll come home and be mommy and a new face after a whole day of daddy - she'll be ECSTATIC to see you everyday when you get home! Truly - you should see my son's face light up when I pick him up from daycare everyday! I love it.

Also, as hard as it is, try to go back to work with an open mind. You might not hate being at work. Then again, you might. But if you Don't hate it, and even like it a little, don't feel guilty. Us mama's are really good at finding things to feel guilty about!

[1stTimeMama4-4-10]

So good news!

Work went fine. It was actually kind of nice to be back doing something I feel confident in. I really do love my job and it wasn't as horrible as I was afraid it might be. I talked to DH every hour or so to make sure things were ok - which of course they were. It didn't hurt that I was SO busy right away that I didn't really have a chance to worry. I'm quite sure that there will be difficult times to come, but today wasn't terrible. DD was definitely happy to see me and nursed like she hadn't nursed in weeks and then conked right out.

So there is hope!