I'm glad I found this thread.
I can relate to what you wrote, OP.
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I think for most women, even those with very good, very hard-earned, and very loved/prized careers, things changed dramatically upon the birth of a child.
I know they did for me.
I was never one who thought they wouldn't change, though. It's not something that shocked me. I was never flippant about having a child, and sort of knew priorities and focus would shift. I'd done a lot of self-analyzing, planning, and financial preparation ahead of having a child, though, and I thought I had it somewhat figured out.
Boy, was I wrong.
I was completely stunned by the actions and thoughts of my husband.
We married right out of college, after dating for all of college and then some. We lived together for a couple of years before marriage, as well. I thought I knew him.
We talked much about our future. Or, rather, I talked and he sort of listened, tolerated. Looking back, he didn't really participate much other than to shake his head and nod.
We waited quite a while to have children after marrying. So long, in fact, that we got lots of comments from family members who thought we just weren't going to have any children.
My biological clock certainly was ticking, and I felt we were running out of years, especially if we wanted to have two kids, and that basically is what ended up happening. We've run out of years.
But I also always wanted and felt that I should have a career. It's sort of what women in my generation were raised to believe in school, right? And I wanted it for personal reasons. I wanted to make an impact on society, and I wanted a fulfilling, rewarding, and contributing career. I spent the years after college and marriage building a career I'm pretty proud of. It was fun, it was a lot of work and stress, but I am thankful I did that. I don't regret that choice. It made us very financially stable, it made me smart and well-rounded, it made me capable, and it made me feel like I contributed and am contributing. I love working. Most days. I love my field. I love the people in my field. I adore my boss. I am excited by the work I do. I'm proud of it.
But when I had a child, well, the child became the priority and focus, as I felt should be the case.
And here's the deal with a pretty good, rewarding, real career. It sort of has to be done on a full time basis. It required, in my case, a lot of focus and energy, and travel, and meetings. In other words, I didn't see how I could focus on my child AND still be in the game in my career, not that it was a game. But how could I play the role at work and the role of a mother? Breastfeeding alone would be a struggle with meetings and travel. Yikes.
So, priority and focus shifted. I resigned my position at the end of my maternity leave, after a lot of inner turmoil and self-reflection. I can't tell you how many pro/con lists I did. And how I never felt 100% like I was doing the right thing. It felt unnatural to leave my career, even for a moment.
But, that's not to say I regretted it. I don't regret it. I feel it was a worthy accomplishment to nurse my child for 2.5 years. It's something I'm very proud of. Being at home for a couple of years, I was able to breastfeed exclusively and extended, able to wear my baby, able to attachment parent. I wouldn't say I was Suzy Homemaker. I didn't cook elaborate dinners or have an immaculate home or lots of crafts underway. Nope. My focus was parenting. Had it not been for parenting, I would never have resigned my career. I kept up to speed on the world and my career by listening to NPR, reading a lot, watching a lot of good films, going to the library often, reading the newspapers everyday, seeing old co-workers from work regularly, and keeping up with developments in my field. So, honestly, I never, ever felt like I was stifled as a stay-at-home mother.
And my laundry was done. And the dishes done. And the house relatively clean.
But the finances were dimenishing. See, I had saved up a lot of cash as a sort of "stay-at-home mother choice" account. I did it deliberately for years. We also had no consumer debt. Deliberately. It was all part of my plan so that I could "choose" to be a stay-at-home mom for a while.
DH was never, ever on board. He always felt I was independent, and he liked that. He always felt I was career-oriented, and he liked that. I think it threw him for a total loop that I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom for any length of time. He never counted on that, even though I was pretty darn vocal about it in our conversations for years leading up to it. He always demurred on the topic. "We'll do what is possible." "I value a stay-at-home mother, we'll see if we can make it work." "I'll deliver pizzas after work if I have to."
The thing is, he never, ever wanted the stress of being a provider. And he never thought I would put him to the test. He was saying luke-warm supportive things about the prospect because he thought hell would freeze over before I resigned my job or put my career on hold. That really surprised him.
And then he just got mean and nasty and was so, so unsupportive. He did not like or want the stress of being the only income-earner.
And, with that attitude, it was only a matter of time befor I felt the need to return to work for financial security and independence. DH was not someone to be counted on.
So, after breastfeeding concluded, and my child was weaned, I returned to work.
I have a pretty awesome job. One I love. I adore my boss and admire the people I work with. I like being at work, with them. The projects are interesting. It's great experience. I have awesome benefits. Most days, I really enjoy being at work, and have fun.
But it's a heavy lift to get to and from work, with a child. It's all the prep work and running to and fro that I hate. It's missing out on field trips because I have a meeting. It's the chaos that a sick child throws into the work world, where there is no room in the schedule for a sick child with no notice ahead of time. It's having a very unsupportive husband who has not changed his career one bit. It's the mountains and mountains of laundry that there is no time to do, and the dishes that pile up, and the general clutter and messiness of our home because of always going to and fro.
Once I'm at work, it's all fine. It's the mad dash to and from work that I hate, and the aftermath of spending all week on work. Weekends are spent doing as much laundry and dishes and cleaning as possible, but there is never enough time. Life isn't very balanced or enjoyable.
I'm exhausted, and on the brink of collapse literally. I'm. So. Tired.
It's a major feat if I have clean underwear for us all to wear. And something to throw together for dinner.
I miss, miss, miss the pace of being a stay-at-home mom. My now pre-schooler doesn't act so well if it's been a really busy week for me where he's gone to school/daycare more than I've gone to work (pick ups and drop offs after I leave). His week is so darn regimented. It's unnatural in summers. His childhood certainly never has much unscheduled, free time. It makes me very, very sad.
But DH is adamant, and when I work we do so much better financially. The only time we've ever done OK is when I've worked, too. DH could be a pretty good provider with his degree, but he lacks motivation. I can't make him have an attitude and motivation that he doesn't have. The marriage has definitely suffered.
So, yes, I get it. I get what you are saying. Everything seems to change when a baby is born. Because the focus and priority shifts.
Good luck with your decision and outcome.
. SAHM, WOHM, WAHM...we're ALL moms and our kids will be fine as long as we parent them well.
