What to do when OTHER kids hit

[jlanda]

More specifically, when other kids hit and the parent is not readily available, such as at a playground with 20 kids and mix-matched parents somewhere.

My DS is 20 months. I like to take him to playgrounds, even though he needs constant supervision due to having no sense of caution

However, twice a child has come up to him and hit him. In the first situation, he came near some equipment that another girl was using. Before he even started to play, she hit him. Seeing no direct supervising parent around and not knowing where to start, I knelt down, put my hands on my son's shoulders and said to the girl in a firm but not loud voice, "We don't hit." She saw I meant business and didn't try to hit again. I redirected DS to some other equipment, feeling it was better to get him interested in something else rather than test the current situation. The girl was probably about 3 or 4.

Another similar thing happened the other day. DS was playing on something, minding his own business. A little boy, again about 3 or 4, smiled at him warmly. DS smiled back. The boy walked up to him, still smiling, and smacked DS in the face. I immediately put my arms around DS and firmly said to the boy, "We don't hit! That was not nice." Again, the kid knew I meant business but I didn't yell. Then poor DS didn't want to play on that equipment anymore, which bugged me, but I wanted to redirect him to something else anyway in case this kid wanted to test me. Again, no mother to pinpoint to address the situation.

My DS currently doesn't hit (he occasionally tries to play drums on someone's face, but I stop him immediately and tell him that we don't hit; his grandmother tried to say it was okay but I told her it absolutely wasn't whether he was playing or not.) I make sure to stress the "we" with him so he knows it's not acceptable for anyone to hit each other.

The part that really bugs me is that he seems to become more and more afraid of other kids every time this happens, and I don't want him to be an antisocial dork like me growing up (I joke, but then I don't...) After a space of time, he does want to reach out again, but then this happens again *grumble*

So my question is, am I handling this appropriately with the kids who are hitting? Obviously if the parents were readily available I would address it with them if they hadn't done it themselves already. I came from a background of beatings, threats, and unfair, unclear punishment as discipline methods, and though I educate myself on effective teaching/discipline tools, I'm never quite sure if I'm stepping over an invisible line or not crossing far enough. I also don't want DS to think that hitting is appropriate since that's the way kids seem to greet him around here *grrr* Your thoughts?

[Abraisme]

[2xy]

My two cents....I think you're handling things just fine. Obviously, if no parent is around, then SOMEONE needs to teach those children how to behave. And it's totally OKAY and RIGHT that you are telling the hitters that hitting is unacceptable. You're also modeling for your son how to stick up for oneself.

[wildmonkeys]

I have been LUCKY to have three boys all of whom haven't been prone to hitting - though we have had other stuff to work on My best friend had a dd who really struggled with hitting other kids right around age 3 (has always seemed to me to be when hitting peaks - little kids 1 and 2 year olds rarely hit and bigger kids usually have grown out of it...) Anyway, what I read works the best is to comfort your child. To hug them and say that you are sorry that somebody hit them, that you are sorry if they are feeling sad. You are giving attention to the child that was hit not the child who hit them which is probably what they were looking for.

My friend did this with her own dd. When her dd hit another child she would put her energy into the child who had been hit. Then a few minutes later talk to her child.

[lisavark]

Yes, but on the playground when the parent of the hitter is nowhere in sight, ignoring the hitter isn't really going to help, since ordinarily you wouldn't be paying attention to them anyway--they're not your kid. I would do (and have done) exactly what you did, OP. I'm actually more direct about it. I usually say something like, "Please don't hit," or even, "no hitting." Very firmly. Or "please be gentle." Just like I do with my own kid.

[Latte Mama]

I might even ask the hitter "where is your grownup"? The parent/caretaker of the hitting child might want to know what they're up to. If my 3 year old was going around smacking small toddlers, I'd want to know.
Then again, I'd be within view anyway.

[eclipse]

I think you're doing exactly the right thing - especially if your son isn't talking yet. You're showing him how he should handle it when he's able to do it on his own - you are being direct, not mean, and setting very firm boundaries about what is acceptable. I do agree with the PP that it might be a good idea to try to find whomever is supervising the child and let them know. I, too, would like to know if my child was hitting someone else. It's easy for a caregiver to get distracted and miss something like that, especially if they are there with more than one child.

[LCBMAX]

I really agree with all of the above, and --

I also invite my son to say something to the hitter directly. This seems to help him not feel too timid, and infantalized to rely only on me (though he's still my infant, of course.)

I say, "I saw that you just got hit. Do you want to say something to your friend?" (Even if it's not a friend. I like to propagandize that all kids are potential friends, even the hitters.)

When I first started this - around 18 months - he'd cower and hide, so I'd ask "Do you want me to say it?" If he gave me a yes, I'd pretend to quote him: "My son says 'I don't want to be hit. It hurts. Please don't hit me anymore.' " Then I'd ask my son if I got it right. If he gave me another yes, I'd immediately switch to redirection. "OK. Now, should we go to the swings or the slide?" If he gave me a no, I'd invite him to say it right. If we stalled there, I'd switch to redirection "Well, sometimes we don't know what we want to say. Now, swings or slide?"

Nowadays, 28 months, a little invitation like "Do you want to tell your friend how you feel?" gets an immediate and clear "Don't hit me. I feel sad." And then I say, "Well that's really clear. Thanks for telling your friend what you want. Now, swings or slide?" And it really seems to roll right off his back.

And by the way, I do all this even when the other kid has run away or isn't listening, etc. In my mind, it's all to benefit my son and encourage him to speak up for himself. The other child's response is not my problem (unless they keep hitting, of course.) So my goals are -
1. help my son express himself
2. move through it without getting stuck in my own anxiety about hitting (I was an only and physically timid child.)