has anyone stayed with dh/dp to be sahm?

[lindalu]

I don't even know where to post - I have been "looking for perspective" on single parent forum as well; even though I am not - am married, albeit, not happily.

Just to add, what a wonderful/amazing resource this board is!

So, I think if it were not for the children - ages (almost) 3 and 5 - we might not stay together.

I am a sahm, hoping to home school.

DH and I are not happy together - both love children immensely, but often do not parent well together.

I know things can change. I feel we are reaching a crossroads. Just wondering if anyone has stayed in less-than-ideal (to put it VERY mildly)situation to stay home with kids. Regrets? Yes / No?

Thanks in advance for your honesty.

Also, feel free to re-direct this post if I have put in wrong place-

[Mom2GCNJ]

I did - in a way. My dh was not the issue (well not directly) - it was his teen-aged sons who lived with us full-time. I'll spare you the gory details, but it was not a simple matter of teen-agers working on your last nerve. It was way, way beyond that. Their mother was out of the picture, so having them live with her was not an option.

My example probably won't help you very much, since I am very much in love with my dh. I did, however, put up with A LOT to keep our marriage together and to be a sahm for my bio children. A sane person probably would have walked away, but I stubbornly (in the least flattering sense of the word) held on until things changed on their own. It doesn't seem like that will happen in your situation.

So - please know that you are not alone in weighing how much you are willing to endure for the sake of what you feel is best for your children.

Hugs to you as you work through it all.

[lindalu]

thanks for your thoughts - I really do appreciate them. The "love" you mention is an important component that is really missing.

I had proposed a controlled separation for a brief time this summer - hoping that I might gain some hope again.

Now, dh has interviewed for a job in another state - somewhere I would really hate living - we would be trading in a nice home in the country for an apartment, etc. I know none of that matters - but in the condition we are in, I cannot even contemplate such a move. He has interviewed because it is a company he has been interested in working for for years - but I truly do not know what I will do.

The hypothetical move would have been incredibly difficult (for many reasons - family, finances, etc.) even if things were "good". With how they are - I am freaking out considering. Add to it, that I may have to go back to work part time if we move (cost of living higher)-

Thanks for listening. I really go back and forth. I used to say I would live in a tent if it meant I could stay home with my children. Now, I am thinking I could still could, but maybe not if dh is in the tent as well......

[Mom2GCNJ]

UGH! Our situations are very different, but just reading more of the details brought back so much for me. I felt very trapped when I was dealing with my stuff and I felt like I could read that in what you were saying.

It doesn't seem like a good sign that he'd interview for an out of state job, which won't even put your family in a better financial situation, without you being on board.

Is counseling, either individual or couples, something you've thought about? It seems like you are in a really tough spot and could use some help.

More hugs to you!

[lindalu]

Mom2 - to explain a bit further about the possible job change - this company DH has been applying to whenever they have a posting online at ANY location for the last 3 years. while he is more than qualified, they are hard to get on with. this was his first call to interview. it just happens to be in a place that we would dread living- both of us - but he would do to get on with the company - with the hope of transferring asap.

the reason it would be worse financially - to start with - is that we rent a house from family and they don't charge as much as it is worth. we would be paying more in rent for not nearly as nice of location.

i am happy for my dh and proud of him for pursuing what he really wants. IF i take myself out of equation. i can barely comprehend all of this. i have been worried, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed about our situation and some other things going on in my family of origin. now, with the possibility of this move - i feel ready to snap. i do feel fairly certain my dh will be offered the job and will accept it.

i will not be able to stay in the house we are living in without him - family member would not continue to rent to me as they would not want to be "supporting a separation". i live near my family and my children have always had grandparents close by. so, if and when dh takes that job- my choices are:
1) go with him to somewhere i will likely be miserable as far as location and due to our situation - and will be isolated from friends/family. i will basically have to "fake" being happy with him - (while we are under same roof right now - we are a bit estranged. dh has said he will not continue like this much longer.)
2) stay in state where we are and have to move - meaning i will have to go back to work and put kids in care and quit being sahm.

like i mentioned, i was hoping for a controlled separation. we haven't really tried counseling for any sustained length of time. maybe it could help if i could start to really want this to work again.) i know i will never be truly happy with him - i am wondering if i can be "happy enough" for the sake of children. or am i nuts? would kids be better off in school with a mom who is able to be herself more than i feel i am able to be?

i am not a selfish person. i want to do what is best and right.

i am just wondering if there are others who have had to go back to work and quit being a sahm - and if they could do over again, would do differently.

the strong possibility of this move is really speeding up decisions that need to be made and making all of this so much harder -

thanks for reading and replying.

[dahlialia]

this is just my opinion. No, I would not stay in a marriage I wasn't happy in, to SAHM and homeschool. If we could fake it, and be "happy enough", I would do it until I felt it was a good age for a quality preschool (which for DD1 was 3 - I did go back to work then, until we had DD2, and for DD2 I suspect might be earlier than 3).

What I personally would do, once there are kids involved, would be to invest a year in counselling and trying to make it work properly. IDK, it could have just been the therapist I saw (more for personal stuff, not marriage), but she would say that separation leads more easily to divorce than reconciliation.

I'm sorry you are having to make some really tough choices.

Would DH really move away from you and the kids?

Are you set up to re-enter the working world if you need to?

Could you come up with some sort of plan, say relocate with DH for a year, with a mutual commitment to counseling, and whatever you might need work-wise (training, courses, etc?). Or a work separation, where he goes without you, if he feels he'd be able to relocate back after a period of time.

What is stopping you from being yourself?

[choli]

Originally Posted by lindalu

i will basically have to "fake" being happy with him - (while we are under same roof right now - we are a bit estranged. dh has said he will not continue like this much longer.)
2) stay in state where we are and have to move - meaning i will have to go back to work and put kids in care and quit being sahm.

Have you considered how dishonest and unfair to your husband it is to treat your marriage as a matter of money for you to have the lifestyle you want?

[lindalu]

Originally Posted by dahlialia

What is stopping you from being yourself?

hmmm, good question - will certainly be pondering and trying to come up with a clear answer. i know one thing is that i stay upset about our "stuff" - it is hard to be the mom i want to be when i am in a bad place emotionally.

yes, i think dh would go without us - and he will likely NEVER re-locate to here. we live in my hometown - near my family. he does not want to be here.

i would love to be the supportive wife and move somewhere i don't want to be with a positive attitude. i think i could if we had any kind of marriage. OR even in the present circumstances the move was to anywhere else - somewhere i might remotely want to live.

yes, i understand it is hard to work on things while separated. that is why i am still here. after some very irresponsible/hurtful things he was doing that i found out about - over a year ago - i wanted a separation. i reluctantly agreed to stay - thinking there would be changes. there have not been any significant ones. now, he is acting like he is "waking up" to some of the things that have been so difficult for me. but, i truly believe once we jump back in - any personal changes on his part will be abondoned.

i guess for me- this move would mean the ONLY thing i had positive was being home with my little ones (if i could continue to stay home). so, i am really questioning.

you know, being grown up is really tough sometimes!!!

[Mom2GCNJ]

Originally Posted by choli

Have you considered how dishonest and unfair to your husband it is to treat your marriage as a matter of money for you to have the lifestyle you want?

Well, their are children involved. I think she is also thinking about what is best for them. It is their father's responsibility to do what is best for them too.

[Starflower]

This sounds like a really difficult situation for you.

"i will basically have to "fake" being happy with him - (while we are under same roof right now - we are a bit estranged. dh has said he will not continue like this much longer.)

now, he is acting like he is "waking up" to some of the things that have been so difficult for me. but, i truly believe once we jump back in - any personal changes on his part will be abondoned."

Based on your previous posts, I think you both need to explore your expectations in regards to your marriage.

If he does get the job offer - and you feel like it's worth it to try to save the marriage and continue as a sahm - would both of you really be willing to work on your partnership? Would your dh agree to counseling together?

I have known some people who agreed to stay together for the children. If you are both willing to do this, then you'd have to ask yourself how long are you both willing to live in this type of relationship? If you are not both on board for either trying to fix the marriage or deciding to be roommates (for lack of a better word), then can you realistically depend on him to support you as a sahm?

Whatever you decide to do, I think you should have a back-up plan.

[choli]

Originally Posted by Mom2GCNJ

Well, their are children involved. I think she is also thinking about what is best for them. It is their father's responsibility to do what is best for them too.

So tell him the truth - "I'm willing to move with you to x town, but I am doing it solely so that I can afford to be a SAHM and homeschool. I do not love you and would not continue this marriage if I could afford the lifestyle I want without your financial input".

Then he can make up his mind whether that is the kind of marriage he wants to live with, and the kind of marriage that he wants to be his childrens' model to follow when they grow up.

Don't fake it.

[hikingmommy]

That sounds really hard. Would he be willing to provide you with enough money to get by with the kids as a single parent if you divorce? I hope you're able to work out something so you can be happy.

[heatherdeg]

Our marriage has been through this exact issue more than once. We're married 11 years this summer with a 6yo & 1yo.

(removed because it's probably TMI for a public forum and the OP was able to read it and get what she needed as evidenced by her response! )

[Tigerchild]

In reading your futher explanations, I think that quite honestly it sounds like you may have no choice really in the matter--if your DH has expressed that he will not live like you are living much longer.

So debating about whether or not you'll stay together seems like a waste of energy at this point. It's not like he thinks that you adore him or anything, so you are deceiving him to use him or anything like that.

I think you need to look at the bare bones pragmatic stuff. *Are* you willing to move? If you're not, then you need to start making contigency plans. *Is* he willing to support you as a homeschooling SAHM? If not, it's time to start researching how you might be able to do that on your own.

I can't imagine how scary that must be. But if he's straight up telling you he will not live like this much longer, I think you're focusing on the wrong question (should I stay with him) because it sounds like he's seriously contemplating, if not outright decided, that he doesn't want to stay with you. I would be careful about assuming that you could convincingly fake him out at this point. I think you might have a better chance if you asked him straightfowardly the minimum he needs from you and decide if you are willing or able to do that, KWIM?

[lindalu]

When I say "fake it", I don't mean lie to my husband. I would never tell him I feel something I don't. We are both honestly able to say that we regret marrying.

It is ironic - for much of our married life - he has told me how unhappy he is, how he doesn't love me (not said cruelly - just matter of factly), etc. etc. I was our biggest cheerleader. Not because I was head-over-heels with him, but because I believed in our family. Now, I am just over it. He is now saying he does love me.

I am not putting all the blame on him. But he does have some major issues that have greatly damaged our relationship. Because he is now starting to acknowlege some of them, he seems to think I should be excited and on-board. I am just weary.

So for me, "pretending" actually means more like accepting there will likely be little for me in this relationship other than being with children. As far as "lifestyle" - yes, I am fortunate to be a sahm and live in the country near family - but we struggle - drive a 15 year old van with peeling paint, etc. We are not in any way "doing well" financially.

I do have hope that if dh seriously addressed some major issues - we might have a chance. I am worried that he will not do so UNLESS we do separate. This possible move is interrupting any beginning of momentum.

I feel I could do the "roommate" thing quite well. He could too - he really likes being alone - but he would never agree to such - due to "sex". Big issues there - I won't go into - but when he says he won't continue in this way - that is what he is referring to. Please understand, I know how important that is - I won't go into details on this post, but there are some real issues surrounding that area of our relationship. As far as him supporting things like home-schooling , I suspect his level of support might have to do with how satisfied he is in the bedroom. That is where all this gets really weird - holy cow! I don't want to feel like (or act like) a prostitute. Does that make sense?


heather: I appreciate your story VERY much. I totally agree with you about expectations. mine are actually pretty low. I think one reason I have coped is due to where we have been living. DH has very high expectations of the relationship -
Even if he agreed that we would stay together for the kids, etc. - it would all depend upon his mood of the day. I worry about moving or making big decisions based on what he may say - and then it changing. He is very inconsistent and erratic.

I cannot tell you how much all of your replies mean to me.

You know - it will also be very hard to consider moving away from my family. My parents - I had two siblings - one died 9 years ago - last summer the other one became severely disabled and then lost their spouse. My parents are providing much of the care for my disabled sibling. We are all trying to figure this out. They can't do long term - it has been a roller coaster. My being here is somewhat of a help. I know my first obligation is to my dh and kids - but I wish he could look at all of this as he makes decision for us to leave. He would never consider any of that in making decision. Maybe that is normal?

All I know, is that in our first counseling visit - quite a while ago (only went a few times) - counselor brought our how extremely narcissistic dh is. Also, spoke of mood disorder - asked dh if he had ever been on meds for - my jaw dropped when he revealed that years ago he had taken lithium. I never knew!

He has said he will likely feel bitter if I don't move with him. If I was working and kids were already in care - I think it would be a no-brainer that I would not go. However, that is easy to say when it is hypothetical.

One more comment on our relationship and not being myself: I have some weird physical symptoms occuring (hopefully stress has caused) and doc has ordered an extensive mri. Of course I am beyond worried - but I have not even discussed with dh. At this point of our relationship, I am just keeping things to myself. I know his reaction if I talk to him will make me feel even worse. So, what kind of marriage is it when you do even feel you can go to dh with such a huge worry?

[JessieBird]

I can't comment on most of your specific issues such as the move and I am not at all in the same situation but I went through this as a child and I wanted to speak from that perspective. My mom stayed with my dad for 10+ years after it was clear to her that they were not compatible and that most of the time the relationship was not healthy at all. She stayed because she thought it was best for me (oldest) and my three brothers. She was able to be a SAHM and homeschooled some of us from time to time when we needed that option. Those aspects of her choice were wonderful and I feel lucky to have had a mom who was committed in that way. However, given the choice, my brothers and I would all say that we would rather that she'd left earlier.

In general, the separation of parents gets much harder as children get older. When my parents finally did split, when my mom felt that we were finally old enough to handle it, it was very traumatic. Younger children bounce back and adapt much faster - I saw it in lots of my friends' families. My mom has very deep regrets about having waited so long. Not only did she give up a huge chunk of her own life but it did far more damage to us and took much longer to recover from than it would have if we'd been younger. In hindsight, I can say with 100% certainty that things would have been better all around had she left earlier even if it meant her going to work and us going into daycare/school.

There is another aspect to this too which has has a much longer-lasting effect than the difficult years around the separation time. You may not be entirely faking it for your H but you are faking it for the kids. Even if they never realize the full extent of just how artificial your marriage is, it does not set a positive example of healthy love and partnership in a couple. My mom and dad put on a good show for us (family trips together, picture perfect Christmases and Sunday dinners, etc), but there was no love between them and things were often strained. We had nothing to compare it to so we didn't consciously know that it wasn't right but as we grew up and went on into our own disfunctional relationships we realized just how low our standards were because no one had ever set the bar higher for us. I went through a string of dreadful relationships because I truly didn't know that being in a couple could/should be any better. Thankfully, both my parents found new partners about 3-5 years after their separation and both are now in very positive, true love relationships. It is truly a gift to have these relationships to learn from and I only wish that they would have allowed themselves the space to find healthy partnerships when we were younger and could have benefitted more from the example.

Just an angle that I don't think anyone has mentioned yet. I would really encourage you to think long term, way beyond this move. So you get to stay home with your kids now, but what happens later? It doesn't sound like there is much hope for the relationship so do you leave when they get a bit older? When is that? What happens between now and then? How much more does the relationship deteriorate? Wouldn't you rather provide a truly and honestly positive environment for your kids' most formative years even if it means some pain now and some compromises when it comes to your parental choices? I think given all the factors you are dealing with, doing what's really best for your kids might be something quite different than what you'd previously thought.

I would urge you to speak to a professional about the differences between separating when kids are younger and when they are older and the effect that being in an unhealthy relationship could have on your children. Perhaps my experience was unique but I don't think so.

ETA - As if I haven't already been long enough...just wanted to add that I don't mean to be doomsday about any potential for your relationship to improve. Certainly, if there is any hope (though I'm not hearing much), then pursue it with optimism, an open heart, and a sense of urgency. I wish you all the best in finding the right path forward.

[lindalu]

jessie: thank you for your story. this is something i really do think about. especially with a daughter, i think, how will i answer when she asks me about "daddy and I falling in love"? i am wondering, have you ever spoken with your mom as to whether she feels any kind of counseling might have helped, etc?
this gets confusing for me: my mom and uncle are the product of a divorce - back when that was very uncommon. even though they witnessed lots of fighting (thrown coffee cups, some physical abuse) they both wish their parents had stuck in there and "worked it out". they feel their life was irrevocably changed for the worse upon their mother leaving. (i wonder if that was part of it - mother left without them.) they say they paid for it their entire lives. my mother has said she would have preferred them fighting every day rather than what happened.
i do wonder if that is in retrospect. would she feel like that had they stayed together? or was is that the emotions of a daughter who had little contact with her mother?

i know others who grew up in severe dysfunction, but are glad their parents stuck it out. is that due to that being all they know - glad they didn't face parents splitting when they were older?

heather: what do you think about some of this? i feel there is some correlation between your story and mine. i do worry about what my children will learn about relationships. and as most of our close friends and family are pro-marriage (or maybe very slow to consider divorce - most stick it out) - will they view me as a hyprocrite for leaving?

i am planning to book an appointment with a family/child psychologist to discuss some of the thoughts raised here.

i do know that a strong marital relationship is not a guarantee for children not to end up in bad relationships - my parents have an amazing marriage and i have had a string of doomed relationships. but i do worry about my little ones "settling". i have been told that i should be able to look them in the eye when they are older and tell them i did everything i could do to make it work. i cannot say that right now. but if i do everything, and it "works", but i am still so miserable, is it really "working?

thanks again to all. i cannot talk to family at this point. and am feeling too raw and vulnerable to talk to friends. this is my outlet. and trying to see a counselor soon- (just realized the resource of jan hunt - perhaps can speak with her on some of these questions this weekend-)

[K-Mom3]

FYI--there is a Parents As Partners forum but I think you have to have 100 posts to access it.

I don't think that it is a good idea to stay in a unhealthy, strained relationship for years and years to be a sahm. However, a lot of people who consider divorce and stay together are happier 5 years later (I read a study somewhere...). Just balance the effect of the unhealthy relationship on your kids with the effect of a divorce and separation from one parent on your kids. Both options are really, really hard on kids.

If it is at all possible, the better answer is to try and try and try to repair the relationship. I realize that isn't easy. I'm working on it right now. It is hard to know if you should have hope that it will get better and how long and if the negative stuff in the meantime will be worth it.... But seriously, after reading about the importance of sex to your dh...you have to read the book, "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.
Here's the love languages website.
HEre's the marriage builder's website...also very helpful. Both of these websites/books have approaches to saving a marriage that can be done with participation from only one spouse.

[JessieBird]

Originally Posted by lindalu

jessie: thank you for your story. this is something i really do think about. especially with a daughter, i think, how will i answer when she asks me about "daddy and I falling in love"? i am wondering, have you ever spoken with your mom as to whether she feels any kind of counseling might have helped, etc?
this gets confusing for me: my mom and uncle are the product of a divorce - back when that was very uncommon. even though they witnessed lots of fighting (thrown coffee cups, some physical abuse) they both wish their parents had stuck in there and "worked it out". they feel their life was irrevocably changed for the worse upon their mother leaving. (i wonder if that was part of it - mother left without them.) they say they paid for it their entire lives. my mother has said she would have preferred them fighting every day rather than what happened.
i do wonder if that is in retrospect. would she feel like that had they stayed together? or was is that the emotions of a daughter who had little contact with her mother?

i know others who grew up in severe dysfunction, but are glad their parents stuck it out. is that due to that being all they know - glad they didn't face parents splitting when they were older?

I don't know how to explain how others could be happy to grow up in severe dysfunction. I just can't imagine ever wanting to see my parents choose such a difficult, limited, abusive life just to live under the same roof "for the kids." Of course I expect my parents to make sacrifices for me - that's part of being a parent - but a life of misery is not one of them.

I can see two factors that may explain why I'm glad my parents separated and wish that it had happened earlier that others may not share: my mom did a really, really good job of protecting us and taking care of us and providing consistency when she did finally leave (despite going from a comfortable living to near poverty). She plowed ahead with incredible strength. There was very little "down time" where we as children had to carry the emotional load of the family because she was broken. I can see how there would be a great fear of these risks though. I suppose one could say that if my mom had left earlier, she wouldn't have had the strength or maturity to have done such a good job of it. Perhaps but still the benefits of leaving early in my situation I believe far outweigh all the trauma we experienced while she was waiting to leave.

Second, this was in the late 80s and separation/divorce were not taboo or uncommon. Many of my friends' parents had separated in the years previous. So that was not hanging over my head as I can imagine it could in certain time periods or locations.

There are so many factors to consider. I am so sorry that you are going through this excrutiating decision. I know the move is a terrible choice to have to make but in some ways it may turn out to be a blessing in disguise - you are at a crossroads and you have no choice but to make a huge decision about how to proceed.

As for your first question - yes, I have spoken to my mom about what might have helped to save the marriage (is that what you meant?). She tried everything but my dad was not willing to go to counselling or to get any other kind of help. I don't remember exactly now but I'm pretty sure she went on her own. She also made sure that we the children had access to professional help at the time of the separation.

[lindalu]

has anyone stayed with dh/dp to be sahm? UPDATE

H took job in neighboring state - 10 hours from here.

He told me AFTER he had accepted it and had put in his notice.

He is selling all his stuff and reports to work in one month.

Initially, he said that HE is leaving - not just for the job - but for him. Kids and I are not included.

Then, depending upon his mood, he indicates he is not willing to give up yet, and that maybe after his probationary period (3 months), the kids and I can come down. Would I even want to ????

I am thiniking that him being the one to move out of state might give me some leverage?

But, what now? He says he will support us and that I can remain at home. I do not think it possible. Either way, we will have to move - cannot remain in the lovely home we are now in, close to relatives, etc.

We are having so many problems.

Now, he is leaving. Not sure how we could work on things. And, I am really angry/bitter about him making such decisions without discussing first. I mean, if he is leaving for good, it is understandable. But, if he is wanting to keep family together, it is unfair to do it this way.

So sad and overwhelmed. I feel caught between proverbial rock and hard place.