has anyone stayed with dh/dp to be sahm? - Page 2

[peainthepod]

[phathui5]

I would certainly be willing to stay with dh in order to continue mostly staying home with homeschooling our children, as he's our main financial support. My doula income is not enough to live off of, and I wouldn't want to increase the time I spend working and not be there to homeschool my kids.

[Pookietooth]

to you mama. Hang in there, and make several contingency plans. Daycare is not the worst thing for kids, especially a good daycare.

[RiverSky]

Well, I must admit, I can see the benefits of being able to be a SAHM with a partner who is far away, but I sort of doubt your husband is going to stay away (from reading your other threads), which would just add to the stress.

Honestly, I think you two need to sit down and look at the hard fast numbers. Is it possible if you are both very frugal that he can live over there and you stay where you are? If he refuses to talk, then you sort of have your answer. You somehow need to get him to tell you what he is really thinking and planning. I feel like there's something missing to this whole story and can't help but wonder if there's another person in the relationship. The whole thing just doesn't add up. I just don't get it.

[provocativa]

Don't move anyhere with a partner you are even condsidering divorcing. At the very least, his moving out of state, and the manner in which he did it (without proper discussion, etc.) will perhaps be useful in a custody battle. If you stay where you are, and file papers, then the jurisdiction for your divorce will be your hometown. If you can pretend that it is not a separation, but a temporary career move, would it buy you some time in your current house? At least until you could get rough numbers about cs, and part time work, and food stamps and medicaid for the kids.

[lindalu]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

If he refuses to talk, then you sort of have your answer. You somehow need to get him to tell you what he is really thinking and planning. I feel like there's something missing to this whole story and can't help but wonder if there's another person in the relationship. The whole thing just doesn't add up. I just don't get it.

I don't get it either!!!! I really don't. There has been no real discussion about what is going on. No, I have not initiated it. Based on past times I have tried to do so, I just haven't had the stomach for it.

His new job training is in the major city we live an hour from. He has just started his second week of training. During his first week, the facility in which the training is taking place, posted an opening. My DH told the people in charge that he would be interested in working for their branch if they could make it happen.

What?? How does all this play in?

Today, he called me to tell him that a supervisor pulled him aside and told him they were trying to cut through the red tape to make such a thing happen (usually very unlikely with this company - to be able to "transfer" before actually beginning.) Of course, we don't really know if this will happen. And I don't know how I feel - either way. My head is SPINNING.

But in talking, DH said, it would be much easier for the kids this way. I tried not to react, but asked him to elaborate. He said, much easier than moving them to XYZ. I calmly pointed out that there had never been any discussion about me or the kids moving to XYZ. He acknowledged that was the case - but I realized that in his mind, that is how he has been seeing this play out.

I am not sure I want to tell him that I am not sure I will ever move there with him. It is strange. It seems that his thoughts change day by day and I am supposed to go along with whatever.

When I asked him how he felt about staying here - that is when he mentioned it being easier for kids - he said, "well it won't be permanent. I still plan to move to ABC asap." ABC is where he used to live -

How confusing is all this?

And as far as moving to ABC, I know that is his desire, but do I have no say? Is the one who makes the money the one who gets to decide? Actually, I kind of "get" that might be the case. But in our situation, it is hard to contemplate.

[MsBirdie]

I have to ask, is your family you live by very supportive and an integral part of your lives? Would they help you if DH was not in the picture?

I ask because, if I were in your position, I would rather be single with a loving supportive extended family to help raise my children and be a stong devoted mother that may have to send her kids to school than be in a city alone dealing with a husband that would even consider not being around his children.

On another note, divorce always scares me because if DH did have joint custody, the other parent has very litle say in who a potential step parent may be in the future.

My mother stayed with my father who was an alchoholic for me and for her to SAH, and things worked out. I never saw the tension and my dad was a very loving father, if not alwas a loving husband. I know at times it really destroyed my mother; however, they are still married to this day. I know that I felt I had a loving home.

I think whatever gives a child the most stable and loving environment is usually best, whatever situation that is.

All I can say is you are in my prayers and I hope all works out for you and your family.

[TnMsMama]

I am fond of my DBF but not in love. I guess I love him, I love our kids and he's a good man. He's just not a NICE man. He's not violent or even abusive in any way, he's just ... kind of an a$$hole, for lack of a better term.

I LOVE being a SAHM tho. If I left, I'd have to get a job and put the kids in daycare and that wouldn't be cool.

Do you WANT to re-connect with your hubby? I've noticed that sometimes a move to someplace that no one knows anyone brings a couple closer together, really bonds a family, learning your way around, finding new stuff, etc.

You'd have to go with the mindset of WANTING to reconnect and rebuild that bond. He'd have to want it too.

But if that's waht you want, then consider the move an opportunity.

[lindalu]

TnMsMama,
Thanks so much for this reply. It is really on my mind.

Yes, my h is a bit of jerk - at least on the outside. I made my mind up a long time ago not to aplogize for him. Usually I stick to this - but geez! he embarrasses me sometimes!

Moving is scary. It is crazy. While I love living in the country near my family, if something happened to h, I don't think I would stay here. Being here helps me cope with my marriage.

Having said that, h blames much of his misery on living here. He says he felt pressured, etc. Doesn't matter what is true; his perception is his reality. And I have wondered if moving to a new place - espcecially if it was one where he wanted to live - would have him morph more into the man I thought I was marrying. Anytime a move opportunity comes up, I get scared. Before this latest, I was also becoming scared what would happen if we DON't move,

But the way he has handled all of this has been really crappy.

I am still musing over your most - "good" man vs. "nice" man. I always thought my husband was a good man - I thought I had changed my mind, but maybe your differentiation of the words can help me re-consider my view of him.

[lindalu]

Originally Posted by MsBirdie

I have to ask, is your family you live by very supportive and an integral part of your lives? Would they help you if DH was not in the picture?

I ask because, if I were in your position, I would rather be single with a loving supportive extended family to help raise my children and be a stong devoted mother that may have to send her kids to school than be in a city alone dealing with a husband that would even consider not being around his children.

On another note, divorce always scares me because if DH did have joint custody, the other parent has very litle say in who a potential step parent may be in the future.


All I can say is you are in my prayers and I hope all works out for you and your family.

Thanks for your kind thoughts!

While my family would support ME - they would not support the demise of our marriage. I think the thing would be too painful for them with little ones involved. Also, I think they think we should try harder and if they make it too easy, we won't. I don't know how to explain - it is complicated.

But, if H leaves, kids and I cannot stay long-term in the house we are living in nearby family.

I don't think H is thinking clearly at all. There is no way he would let me move away and take children. He misses them terribly when he is away. Yet, he is leaving? I am not sure what he is thinking - it is like a knee-jerk reaction.

He made a horrible decision regarding selling his motorcycle and buying a new one several years ago. Regretted it immediately and lamented for years - still does over what he did and how he handled it. The way he is acting right now reminds me of that decision - but this is 4 people's LIVES we are talking about. Sheesh!