Need some perspective, words of wisdom, advice

[Positana]

I completely lost it today.

DS is almost 20 months now, and is on a major potty strike. It's his second strike in several months, but this one has been much worse than the first.

There was a time, before he was 1 and again a couple months ago, when he was almost fully trained. He would signal whenever he had to go, and we would potty him successfully. He had as few as just one or two misses a day.

But now: he is totally acting out. When I let him run around naked, he will pee all over the house. He now will only signal at bedtime. Half the time he goes. The other half he is lying, to get out of going to bed.

Today was just awful. When I tried to potty him after he woke up, he sat for a long time (mostly to read books) and nothing happened. He then rose to his feet, toddled a few steps and promptly peed on the bathroom rug. I was so shocked by his defiance that I started shouting, asking him why he did that and scolding him that he knows better, that his pee should go in the potty, not the rug. When I tried to potty him before his bath, again he sat for a long time. Nothing. Then shortly after his bath began, he peed in the water. I was so upset I started shouting NO NO NO and ended his bath immediately. I put him to bed without nursing, and I let him cry while I steamed.

It was maybe 5 or 10 minutes.... the longest I've ever let him cry... before I calmed down enough to pick him up for his bedtime nursing and soothing.
But then: I discovered he was holding on to a diaper (a loose one he must have grabbed somewhere, not the one he was wearing) like a teddybear lovey. I lost it again as I yanked it from his arm and threw it on the floor as he wailed.

More than anything else, I am really upset at myself for losing my cool repeatedly today and feel awful and ashamed for being so awful to DS... over something, in the grand scheme of things, so minor.

Have you experienced anything similar? Do you have any advice? Tips on ways to calm down, give yourself a time out, when you feel really upset at your child? Should I just drop all EC/pottying for now... or would that just further confuse him? Please help me regain perspective, learn to laugh it off, and be a loving, caring and patient mom again. Please help me ensure I don't explode like this at him again. It really scared me.

Other than over pottying, DS and I have a really fantastic relationship, I am patient and loving with him in all other areas, and we have a lot of fun together. He is really bright and playful, usually very calm and happy. But I fear that my... attachment to pottying him may end up damaging him if I don't nip it in the bud. And I'm also shocked by how badly I snapped. I've never screamed like that even at my husband. I was really loved as a child, I've never been treated so horribly like that by my parents.

[lisavark]

Aw, mama, hugs to you!

First of all, I have always found that if I start thinking of my DD as "acting out" or "defying" or anything like that, it's time for a reality check in my mind. Your DS is not acting out, defying you, being disobedient, or anything remotely like that when he pees on the floor. Just because he's been peeing in the potty up until now doesn't mean that he's deliberately NOT doing it now. It may be that he's experimenting with controlling his body--which he HAS to do before he can become potty independent. It may be that he's going through a developmental milestone that's making his body focus on something else rather than pottying. It may be that he's eaten something that has affected his awareness. But in any case, EC is never, never, never about obedience or defiance or control. It's only EVER about communication. Misses communicate just as much--more, actually--than catches do. So instead of wondering why he's "acting out," ask yourself, what is he communicating? What does he need?

And if you ever feel the slightest frustration about pee on the floor, ask yourself: how many of your DS's friends the same age have EVER peed in the potty? Even once? Unless you have a lot of EC'ing friends, the answer is probably ZERO. Most kids in our culture are 100% diapered at that age--their parents aren't even thinking about potty learning yet. So remind yourself how "ahead" of the game he is in that respect! He DOES have some awareness, he HAS used the potty, but right now, he's using the floor instead. He has a good reason for that. Your job is to figure out what it is. And if you need to use diapers because the pee drives you crazy, then use diapers and don't feel guilty for that. Again, the whole point of EC is communication. NOT catches. Just communication.

FWIW, my DD was in underwear starting at 12 months, and we quit trainers at 18 months, but then we she turned two she suddenly stopped wanting reminders and started peeing on the floor again. Now at 27 months I've put her back in trainers in public. BUT...after a few months of this, she's starting to take initiative for pottying and be independent with it in a way she never has before in her life. Days when she pees in trainers/on the floor all day alternate with days when she takes herself potty without help all day. That's totally normal for EC. It's never, ever a linear process--it goes in fits and starts. And periods of misses are usually necessary to precede advances in independence and catches. When my DD was little and we'd suddenly have a lot of misses after a string of catches, I'd always ask myself, I wonder what developmental leap she's going to make next week? Sure enough, the next week she'd do something new and amazing. It was cool having that advance notice every time so I'd have the video camera ready.

[lisavark]

And another thing I forgot: a potty pause is very, very common between 18 and 24 months. I think I heard that in China it's called "the time of many misses." He NEEDS to have this pause in order to become more independent with pottying in the future. It's just the way it is. He needs to experience with controlling his body so he can move toward pottying with less help from you. Having these misses now means he'll be more likely to finish this pause earlier (although I make no promises and recommend no expectations in that regard!!!). It's normal and healthy and NECESSARY. Again, EC is an interactive process, not a linear path to a goal.

[hrsmom]

everything Lisa said!!

Yes, I definitely lost my cool a time or two with my dd. We had a very long potty strike, seven months or so, and at the time it was frustrating, but looking back, it was no big deal!!!! I think when I was on the verge of losing my cool with her, I'd put her in diapers. And focus on everything that I do like about her and what is going well. Also, remembering what they USED to do is not helpful! That's a crazy-maker, at least for me it was.

Big hugs!!!!!!!!

[lisavark]

You still around, Positana? I'm thinking about you and wondering how it's going!

[Positana]

Dear Lisavark: Thank you so much for caring and for checking in with me!

Our EC has been mostly going well again. I'm almost afraid to say this... but it's as if DS, all 19 months of him, completely understood why I got upset, and decided he'd rather cooperate/behave. And it happened again today -- he cooperated after my husband suddenly lost it with him. (Hubby does not know about my EC-related meltdown two weeks ago.)

Here's what happened: The MORNING AFTER my terrible blow-up day, right after DS woke up, he signaled (tapped his overnight diaper), and after I took him to the bathroom, calmly sat on his potty and peed. He now also signals and pees in his potty like clockwork, every night before bed.

He does have misses, sometimes just one or two if we're mostly home, sometimes a lot if we're mostly out, during the day. But when he does pee or poop in the potty, he will point it out to me, and often will start clapping -- something he does unprompted when he feels happy and proud of himself.

THIS MORNING: DS totally "got the look" (suddenly stopping whatever he's doing, eyes glazing over) like he was going to poop, so DH took him to the potty. DS refused to sit and shook his head when asked if he needed to go. Minutes later, as we played with him in the living room, poop suddenly ranneth over his underpants and down his legs. He laughed! DH got really upset and berated DS in a loud and angry tone, asked him why he refused to use the potty earlier, that he knows poopoo should go in the potty, that this is really disgusting, look what you're putting mommy and daddy through, and so on and so on. DS cried really hard while DH rinsed him under cold water and I cleaned the floor.

The rest of the day, DS, DH and I had a fantastic day together at a park.

After we got home, when DS "got the look" again and I took him to the potty, he sat calmly and pooped, then stood up, pointed at it and looked proud.

And tonight, when I heard DS "cackle/fuss," I went to him -- and saw that he was standing up in his crib, eyes closed, tapping his diaper! I carried him to the bathroom, he sat down calmly and peed in the potty. When he was done he stood up, eyes still closed, and I carried him back to bed. He went right back to sleep without fuss.

Moral of this story, if there is one: I *hate* yelling at my child and would rather save it for really important things (e.g., to warn him about a danger). But in our case, it seems to have ended DS's potty strike and put him firmly back on the EC road. So much so that he, just now, literally did it in his sleep!

(I still hate to think, though, that DS is doing it to please us rather than for himself. So while the EC is going well again, I'm not sure if I should feel good after all this, or if it is a hollow victory....)