had another baby, hate my toddler

[aurora_skys]

pretty much...
This is driving my husband and I crazy - every time the new baby cries my 20 mo goes ballistic, crying and screaming like death. Its making daily life really stressful, he cant even handle hearing a whimper before he freaks out.
He also now asks for everything constantly and screams horribly when i say no (like he wakes up at 6 am, asks for a car ride and flips when i say we cant do that right now)
please help, its to the point where everything he does annoys me now and i just want to hit him (i wouldnt but, you know, im so mad i have to really remind myself...)
How do we deal with this appropriately??

[2xy]

This may sound simplistic, but can you answer your toddler with a "yes"? Like, when he asks for a car ride, you can say, "Sure, we'll go for a car ride at 10 o'clock."

[JBaxter]

I agree with the PP. You changed your toddlers world and they do not have the understanding or the reasoning power adults or older children.

My brother and I are 19 months apart and according to my mother I had a VERY hard time adjusting to the point of chewing my finger nails till they bled.

Lots of extra love and understanding for your toddler.

[just_lily]

It will get better. Really.

I only have one child so far, but have four others all day every day in my home daycare. Each time I have added a new child it throws everything out of whack and everyone goes nuts and makes me crazy for about six weeks. But then it is back to normal. We are just about back to normal again after I added a 10mo to our daycare at the beginning of May. It is SO HARD in the moment, but just keep reminded yourself that it won't last forever.

Your DS will adjust to have a new baby in the house, the baby will get into a routine, and you will (hopefully) be able to get some more sleep making it easier to cope all around.

So what do you do in the meantime?? I agree with the PPs that figuring out a way to say "yes" is a good strategy. Can you get a break from your toddler during the day? Can your DH take him to the park, or do you have a grandparent nearby that would love some one-on-one time? Having a bit of time to snuggle your new baby without your toddler freaking out is important.

At the same time, can you have your DH take your baby into another room for a while, or pop her in a swing for a bit, and really take some time to focus on the toddler for a while? The reason he is freaking out every time the baby cries is because he has figured out that the baby will be getting attention.

I find it helps to see things from the child's perspective. Imagine if your DH suddenly brought home a second wife without warning. You might start acting out and throwing fits every time the new wife wanted attention from DH as well! That is what it is like for your little guy. But make sure you get some time for your own self-care as well.

Hugs mama!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Your other BABY has NO IDEA how to handle the new changes in his WORLD. Please try to understand that . He has NO IDEA how to cope. He needs YOUR HELP. Hes still a baby.

Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.

[emilyash]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.

Sleep deprivation and constant demands might make me pretty nuts, too.

Hang in there, mama. Give that big one more love and like pp said, try to see it from his perspective. This too will pass.

[mommariffic]

I would hire some outside help to hang with your 20 month old, to ensure they are getting the attention they need. 20 months is YOUNG, and a new baby thrown into it is bound to cause some serious regression/behavioral stuff.

Get help, and maybe try to spend a chunk of time alone with your 20 month old doing momma/kid stuff. Tough with a newborn, but a little time here and there can be really helpful for your toddler

[Green mama]

Mine are 17 mo apart and we also dealt with very difficult times. KNow it is temporary, until your first adjusts. It absolutely will get better.

Someone described what my first born was feeling like this: Imagine your spouse (or SO) comes home one day with another woman and he just expects you all to live together peacefully...
^ THat is how your son feels about the baby right now. He wants ALL of your love and time again. In time he will learn that isn't happening and cope better. While you are living it however, it is very trying, I know.

[JamieCatheryn]

DS1 was a monster too after DS2 was born until we got into a new routine and he got used to it. My and DH's getting mad and exasperated with his behavior did not help him at all. Some things that did help were keeping him busy and giving him everything reasonable that he wanted, including a lot of positive attention. When he got too worked up when things did no go his way, forcing him to just sit and chill out was needed. Reminding yourself and him of all his good qualities can help both of you get through it.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by Barbie64g

Your other BABY has NO IDEA how to handle the new changes in his WORLD. Please try to understand that . He has NO IDEA how to cope. He needs YOUR HELP. Hes still a baby.

Is PPD a possibility? Your post just doesnt sound like the reasoning of someone who has all their whits about them. I can see being totally aggitated if an 8 year old perfectly healthy child was acting this way after the birth of a baby, but not a 20 month old baby. His actions sound WAY normal to me.

That exactly. He's used to having you all to himself and now he has to share. And he's not even 2, he has no clue. And probably no idea how to express how he's feeling. He obviously gets that when the baby cries, you respond.

And why can't you take him for a car ride at 6 am? Instead of getting mad, put yourself in his shoes. He's not trying to make you hate him, he's trying to adjust and doesn't know how. And definitely give him some one on one time.

Good luck! It won't last forever.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by emilyash

Sleep deprivation and constant demands might make me pretty nuts, too.

Hang in there, mama. Give that big one more love and like pp said, try to see it from his perspective. This too will pass.

This this this. Give your eldest lots more love. Is it possible to maybe have some one on one time with your oldest LO? Especially first thing in the morning? Kind of charge his battery for the day.

Hugs to you. You've got a lot on the ol' plate, it's okay to be crabby in the privacy of your computer screen

[jumpmama]

make as much alone time for your oldest as possible. he needs just as much love as that newborn!

[RiverandJulie]

I watched my sister go thru this with her second, she was diagnosed with ppd. The PPD really influenced her attitude towards her toddler, not the baby at all. Once she got help, I saw a real change in her attitude towards the toddler, and that affected the attitude of her toddler. EVeryone in the family is much happier now!

[ivymae]

I'll speak up for PPD as well - personally, my PPD manifests as rage, specifically at my older kids. Yes, they can be frustrating, but on good days I can roll with the punches and find ways to defuse the situation, and on bad days I just feed into the tension and we all end up screaming. taking a toddler's actions personally is one of my signposts that things aren't okay.

[RachelJoy]

no suggestions but I do sympathize with you. I don't think you're crazy at all. we are going through the same thing right now but a little later than newborn/toddler. Our oldest was at the birth of his little sister and things went great for a while. But now that they're 3 and 1 it's like sibling jelousy to the max!!!! Sam has a really hard time expressing his emotions in anything but crying. IT drives me BONKERS! He is a very sensitive kid but sometimes I just want to walk away. But I started counting how many times a day I hug him verses my other one and I was appaled with myself. So now I set at daily "goal" for how many times I want to be sure and hug Sam and tell him I love him. The days I hit my goal are way better (less crying/fits) than the other days. Hugs to you mamma! This too shall pass!

[kittywitty]

I sympathize. And I can't blame you for saying no to a car ride at 6 am. I mean, really? People would do that? It's more than just hoping in the car-you have a baby to ready, plus gas prices are outrageous. I think it's totally normal to feel stressed with how your ds is responding. Not that it's his fault, but I can see me wigging out a little, too. My kids are all pretty close (first two are 13 months apart) and apparently I got really lucky because I never dealt with any sibling rivalry that bad. But I know people who have gone through it. Is it possible that your ds has sensory issues? My 5 yo can NOT deal with smells or sounds at all, so she is very sensitive to both.

Can you try to involve him in the baby's day to day stuff maybe? Like diaper changes, picking out clothes, playing with toes, etc.? And also, he is just getting used to the idea of a sibling, it will get better! Just give it time and take some deep breaths.

JamieCatheryn has some good advice.

[Anandamama]

I could see that behavior making me very mad and frustrated. I don't think you need to have PPD for that response to happen (not to say that it's not a possiblity, but your response doesn't sound abnormal to me at all). And just because your child's behavior is normal doesn't mean you can't and won't get mad.
Lots of good suggestions here. One thing that might help is to express empathy both towards your son and yourself. You can say things to him like, "You seem very upset right now. Would you like for me to give you my attention instead of the baby? You'd like to have mommy all for yourself?" It may sound like you're encouraging his behavior but actually you're just taking time to try to understand him and reflect his feelings back to him and he will appreciate that (even at his young age). "I know you need my attention. I want you to be happy and to feel cared for. I'm going to tend to the baby and as soon as I'm done I want to hold you and read to you for a few minutes." Or if you can, give him a big hug and a smile even as he rages and tell him how much you love him. Even if he expresses negative things directly toward the baby don't try to stifle his feelings but let him know you hear him and love him even with the negative feelings. When he feels heard and understood and assured of your love the anxiety and anger he feels will start to dissolve.
And don't forget to give empathy to yourself. When you feel you're at the end of your rope take a deep breath and acknowledge how you feel and how hard it is right now. And hopefully you have some friends who can offer you sympathy, understanding and a non-judgemental ear.

[holothuroidea]

My first reaction to this post was, "Your 20mo asks for car rides!?"

I think you may be expecting a little too much from your 20 month old. Toddlers that age who don't have younger siblings act like that, too.

We ALL sometimes feel like hitting or yelling at our kids, and on really bad days even the best and most well adjusted AP moms will do one or the other because we are all human! I find the best way to deal with those feelings is to remove myself from the situation until I calm down, and then explain to my LO how I am feeling. Even if they are too little to understand it helps to talk it out.

Also a 20 month old might learn a lot from pretend play. Have you thought about giving him a doll and some doll toys (they make doll sized diapers and slings) so that he can mimic you?

[holothuroidea]

On another note, I completely disagree with the spouse analogy because if your husband brought home a new wife I sincerely doubt that she would immediately love you. However, that new baby LOVES every single member of the family they were born into, including older brother. Try to show that love to your toddler. When newborn opens their eyes say, "Oh, look, s/he is trying to see you! One day s/he will be able to see you, then she will be able to touch you and hug you, and soon she'll be able to play with you!"

If you have the attitude that this new baby is going to be a burden on him and take the attention away from him, then he will pick up on that attitude and react accordingly.

[riverscout]

My second child is 20 months at the moment, and the mere thought of bringing home a newborn right now almost sends me into a panic, so I feel for you. I think your older baby is acting perfectly normal to be honest, and I think the new wife analogy is right on. Personally, I wouldn't care if my husband's new wife loved me . He's mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! And I suspect that's how your oldest is feeling.

I agree the best thing you can do is give your oldest as much attention as possible and say yes as much as you can. Maybe if he asks for a 6am ride, you could all just pile in the car in your jammies and go for some drive thru coffee and maybe some breakfast. Not that you have to, but maybe keep an open mind about things. If you have help one day from friends or family, have them hold the baby while you play or cuddle with your oldest. I know once they start walking and talking its easy to start thinking of them as older than they really are. But 20 months is still a baby.

It will get better. Once my youngest got mobile and could play, things got pretty fun around here.