had another baby, hate my toddler - Page 2

[swd12422]

I feel for you! I have days like that with my toddler, and he's an ONLY!

When we were starting to consider when/whether to give DS a sibling, I came on here and read as many threads about this as I could find. One piece of advice kept repeating... Not only make time to have "special" one-on-one time with your older child, but make sure you also respond to the older child's demands first. The logic was that the newborn won't remember that you let him wait while you tended to his older brother. But the toddler will, and will resent the younger for it. They weren't saying to ignore your baby's needs, but that by the time the baby is old enough to realize that the delay is due to the other kid, they'll both be used to each other and it won't be a problem to make your older wait a bit this time and then have the younger wait a bit the next time...

Also, is there a way he can "help" with the baby? Like when the baby cries and needs a change, when your son shrieks, tell him you need him to stay calm b/c you need his help. Then ask him to hold the clean diaper for you, or get the wipes, or "stand right here to make sure the baby stays on the changing mat" or whatever). Same thing with anytime the baby cries. "Oh, he's crying for his blanket... Could you get it/help me find it so the baby can nurse?" Maybe if he feels like he's part of things and really helping, he'll be more excited and less freaked out when the baby cries.

I know it's hard to think about being alone with the toddler when he's been so demanding and difficult (all that freaking out would definitely freak ME out!), but I do think that will help him feel more secure in his place in the family.

[To-Fu]

We're having a tough time with the transition too. A friend sent me these links, and the info really helped put things into perspective:

http://www.naturalparenting.com.au/f...s-the-baby.cfm

http://www.pregnancy.org/question/at...ost-4-year-old

[Plarka]

It's very common and normal to feel that way!!! I felt so much better about it when I read this book called 'Three Shoes, One Sock and No Hairbrush:

http://www.amazon.com/Three-Shoes-On...6544583&sr=8-2

Even if you can find time to read 2 or 3 pages it will make you feel better!

Now after about 3 months, my older daughter (2.5) is not so bad anymore.

[creillysheehan]

My two are 18 months apart, with Baby G now 8 months. I was really worried about how things would go at the beginning and some of the helpful advice I got was: When I'm nursing Baby G, Sweetie B can have his own baby to nurse (he LOVES burping his own baby doll). When I'm nursing Baby G, provide a special quiet activity for Sweetie B, and promise to do something special *just with him* afterwards--turns out, Sweetie B's favorite thing to do when Baby G nurses is to read books. So we all sit on the couch together and nurse and read. When Baby G is done, I set her on the floor and Sweetie B climbs into my lap. Does your toddler like playgrounds? Take him to a playground to get some energy out, while carting around the new one in a sling (I go down slides like this!).
As someone else suggested, having your toddler help with things can be nice for him--Sweetie B loves getting out a diaper for Baby G when she's getting changed.
The best things for me are the reading and having a spot to pop Baby G (sling, bouncy chair) while I'm doing fun stuff with Sweetie B. It's hard. It's really really hard. But you can do it! Make sure you get out, talk to people, find a counselor (so helpful! I get a sitter for Sweetie B and bring Baby G along), take it one day at a time.
Good luck!

[rightkindofme]

I'm pretty terrified of this happening. I think it sounds very reasonable that you are at the end of your rope. No judgment here.

[RiverSky]

My son was 2 1/2 when my daughter was born, and it was the first time I had ever felt anger towards him, or found myself raising my voice (when he tried to hit his baby sister with a toy). Your son is even younger than that, and absolutely, it's normal for him to not be able to understand why he is no longer the ONLY center of your universe.

I do remember that my son was extremely empathetic, even earlier than 20 months of age, and when we were in a store, if another baby would cry anywhere else in the store, he would start freaking out and cry, too. He would be frantic, wondering why the baby's mother wasn't taking care of the baby so the baby wouldn't cry.

Is it possible that your son is getting so agitated by your infant's distress because of empathy, yet the only way he can figure out how to respond to it is to act out?

It's so hard when we are extremely sleep deprived and being pulled a ton of different ways (toddler, baby, husband, house, chores, whatever else) to respond with patience and calm at all times. I think it's very interesting that so many recognize PPD in what you say, and I think that's definitely something for you to look into (there are PPD tests online), because I am thinking that those who suggested PPD are saying it because they recognize their past behavior in what you wrote.

Best wishes & hugs!

[littlebabydoll]

I feel truly sorry for the 20 month old. I have a 19 month old and he requires as much attention as a newborn, really. He needs to be taught so many things in the world.. how to interact with people, talking, emotions, concepts such as numbers and colors, relationships, good and bad. There is SO MUCH on a toddlers plate and to have someone suddenly such all of mommy's attention away sounds like complete fear, maybe the worst thing on earth to him!

My suggestion is talk, talk, talk to the toddler. Tell him about the baby, why it cries, how you are taking care of the baby, how you love the baby, how you did all these things for them too. Give them love and patience. When you need time with your newborn, try to have dad, grand parents or friends step in to help with the toddler. This seems like a good age to form new relationships with people other than mommy.

Also, I think it's about changing expectations... ofcourse the toddler is going to act horribly and will for maybe even a year or more. They are still a toddler and will be for a long while!

Your a brave woman for having a second. I'm hoping to wait till my first is at least 4, if not later! I want to add... it seems normal to me to that you are frusterated too! Having ONE newborn, none the less a second child is HARD. Patience is the best remedy. Hang in there. Life with children just ain't easy!

[bubbamummy]

s we've just been 'there'. My toddler did NOT do well when we bought his sister home. My suggestions (may have already been mentioned) are do things just for him, like it used to be. When we 1st bought Molly home I would still do his bath/bed routine as that is what had been happening all along. Even though I was super tired and sore (c-section) I handed DH the baby for 20 minutes and just went to be with him and play/read stories/put him to bed. I made sure I gave him lots of kisses and hugs etc even though, to be honest I really just wanted to lay down and be with the baby I also made sure DH took him out to do 'man stuff' like a trip to 'Lowes' I would really make it into a huge thing like 'wow...you get to go with Daddy to Lowes while poor Molly and Mummy have to stay home! wow..you're so lucky etc etc' seemed to work pretty well. I also called Molly 'his baby' which also seemed to help.

It doesnt last long, Molly is almost 3 months now and he absolutely adores her. If she isnt in the room he says 'oh no, where's Molly' ?he kisses her constantly too!

[lkmiscnet]

It sounds like he really needs some daily quality one on one time with you, so that he knows he hasn't been displaced by his new sibling. Try to do things that are "special" and let him know it is just for him or give him a special toy, just something to let him know that he is still special.

You could also try to involve him in the care of the new baby so that he feels he has some control/involvement.

Here are a few links I found with some helpful suggestions:

http://www.fisher-price.com/fp.aspx?...&content=69770

http://babyparenting.about.com/od/tr...f/jealousy.htm

http://www.thelaboroflove.com/articl...aby-came-home/


I just googled "todder jealous of new baby" and lots of helpful links came up. Sibling rivalry is another good one to google. This is an age old problem and there are also many books on the topic. You will likely find one at your local library too.

Best of luck and hugs to you.

[azzeps]

No advice, just hang in there, mama! I think when my daughter was 20 months was when she really started driving me nuts in a lot of ways. I can't even imagine having a newborn too! GAH! You are a trooper! If you can get some help from friends or family, that might help too! Take care! Remember, put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then assist your children.

[MamaPhD]

I so feel for you! DD is 19 month and I am 7 weeks pregnant and sick as a dog. Hang in there! I am trying to read as much as I can about sibling stuff now when I do have the mental presence for reading. Me, my sister, and bro are all exactly 2 years apart and my mom swears there was NO rivalry EVER - do I believe her? Not really! Back to more reading.

One thing I want to say is that my DD is unbelievably great at reading my emotions and mirroring them. So I always have to put on a brave happy face, otherwise she gets super worried for me or cries for me, etc. So you & your toddler might be feeding each other emotions without knowing. Sometimes it really does help to pretend and fake yourself out on the outside and then it helps you inside. Like, baby starts crying, you say "Woohoo, baby time! Super mommy to the rescue, dun dun dah! Let's go and help!" then your toddler might have a different reaction than if you just frown and be quiet to brace yourself for what's to come. Sounds silly but works!!! Don't forget your cape!