If you don't yell...

[bethanyclaire]

I am not a yeller. I'm just not. If I raise my voice to my kids there is generally a very good reason (an emergency or to get their attention if they are being super-loud). I do not, nor have I ever, SCREAMED at my kids. Yelling just isn't who I am and I don't like doing it.

If you are also not a yeller have you found that it makes your kids more sensitive to people who are? My ex-husband (their dad) used to have a female roommate who screamed at her daughter on a regular basis. After a while she started screaming at my kids as well. I was horrified when they came home one weekend and told me what was going on. I gave her ONE chance to knock it off (with the kids acceptance) and she didn't. As soon as I found out I told their dad that he could move out of her house or he could come here to visit them but they were not to ever step foot in her house again. I stuck to it and he moved the next month.

DS is very sensitive to yelling (DD is too, but she is with me 99% of the time so she isn't exposed to it), he is a very sensitive kid in general (once lectured a kid on the playground about how it was mean to step on ants and asked the boy how he would feel if someone bigger than him came and stepped on him and crushed his house... ). He is saying that his teacher (1st grade) yells at the class all the time. I have spent some time at the school since then and I feel like he is telling the truth (I never thought he was lying, I just thought maybe she wasn't "yelling" even though he felt like she was). Everyone in the school yells... the office staff, the cafeteria workers, the school nurse, the bus drivers... all of them. We have decided to homeschool this coming year for a number of reasons, but that is among our top 3 reasons for choosing to educate our kids at home (the education in this school system in sub-par as well and there are some serious behavior issues going on there, too).

So, am I making them hypersensitive to yelling? Am I sheltering them? I'm sure at some point in their lives they'll be exposed to, and have to interact with, someone who yells (I have had a few bosses who were yellers/screamers). My instinct tells me to keep them way from it and that they will be more able to tolerate it as fully formed adults and then THEY can make the decision about whether or not they will tolerate it. I have people around me telling me I'm off base here. I'd like some opinions from other moms that choose not to yell. Thanks!

[paquerette]

No, I think children who are yelled at on a regular basis are more likely to be hypersensitve to it. I know quite a few adults who carry what is probably technically PTSD about this into their adulthood. Screamy yelly parents all through childhood. Now they suffer anxiety/panic from any situation with yelling, even a movie, or other people yelling at each other in public, or something like that, not directed at them.

[CrazyCatLady]

I'm not a yeller or a hitter, never have been. On a terrible day I have been known to be rude or sarcastic towards dd when she's driving me crazy though.

She is very sensitive to yelling or to any adult being upset towards her (or just upset in general). I don't know if her lack of exposure to yelling has made her this way or not. But it's so bad that if two kids start yelling at each other at the park...she'll go running while covering hr ears and hide under a picnic table or something.

I was screamed at daily as a kid. It has made me really panicky about raised voices. I certainly never got "used to it".

[Adallae]

No, I think children who are yelled at on a regular basis are more likely to be hypersensitve to it. I know quite a few adults who carry what is probably technically PTSD about this into their adulthood. Screamy yelly parents all through childhood. Now they suffer anxiety/panic from any situation with yelling, even a movie, or other people yelling at each other in public, or something like that, not directed at them.

From the perspective of someone who was yelled at frequently as a child - I totally agree with this. I shut down when people around me yell. I can't really think clearly or respond properly in the moment. My boss yells a lot, and I used to have mild anxiety attacks on the way to work almost daily. I think you're doing a great thing by trying to not yell at your kids.

[Rosebud1]

I've taught at the elementary grade level, and it is my observation that the teachers that yell the most have the most ineffective classroom management. Their students tend to be ill behaved as a result. Yelling is not effective. If you are a teacher that is organized, has procedures in place that are super predictable and are uber-consistent, you do not need to resort to yelling. Kids in classrooms with yellers tend to get desensitized to yelling, in that it stops grabbing their attention as readily, but there is a palpable tension in these classrooms at all times that inhibits learning. If you notice a lot of yelling in an organization, it is indicative of greater problems -- lack of control, lack of success, lack of respect for kids...

[One_Girl]

My dd is startled by yelling but not hypersensitive about it. I on the other hand am very hypersensitive about yelling and certain tones some parents get because of the yelling I lived with before my mom divorced my biological father. I don't think being yelled at in school is a good thing though, and I would definintly address my concern to the teacher and principal. I am actually requesting not to have one of the teachers in my dd's school because my dd tells me she is a yeller. My brother had her for second grade a long time ago and she also yelled and swore at the kids then and some of the parents who have had children in her class have said that she is sometimes very innappropriate.

[rightkindofme]

Slightly off topic

So, uhm, how are y'all defining yelling? I have a rather loud voice. In a former life I stage managed dance shows in a theater and sometimes I would have to get the attention of 50+ milling people (often kids). I learned how to project and I've never really mastered not projecting since.

That said, I don't tend to yell in anger. I just have a loud voice. Is that the kind of thing you are talking about?

[Violet2]

I come from a loud cacophonous family where you have to yell to be heard. We yell to get someone's attention. To carry a conversation.

As a result, I tend to yell back when people are yelling at me and expect DD will do the same. I'm not afraid to speak up. Sometimes that irks people, but many many times, quieter people actually like me because I am not afraid to be vocal. So there's a corollary to the consensus I see here, quiet kids can grow into quiet adults who can't handle yelling and can't dish it out. They either become my friend because I yell 'for them' so to speak or hate me for being loud and gauche.

We don't yell a whole lot in our house (that is saved for family get togethers), but we don't go around with pleasantly moderated tones all the time either. I'm a naturally loud talker so I don't know. For me this thread is kind of overthinking it.

It probably has a whole lot less to do with decibel level and more to do with how the volume is synthesized by the parent for the child.

V

[bethanyclaire]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

So, uhm, how are y'all defining yelling? I have a rather loud voice. In a former life I stage managed dance shows in a theater and sometimes I would have to get the attention of 50+ milling people (often kids). I learned how to project and I've never really mastered not projecting since.

That said, I don't tend to yell in anger. I just have a loud voice. Is that the kind of thing you are talking about?

Not at all!! I certainly don't whisper all the time (I pretty much only whisper if the baby is sleeping! LOL). I also have a loud voice and have some theatre and vocal training. I have NO trouble projecting and I don't think anyone who knows me would ever describe me as quiet! When I say "yell" I mean tone of voice more than I mean actual volume. Content and tone is just as important as volume, if not more, when I talk about yelling. With the exception of actual screaming, of course (I'm thinking about high-pitched hysterics here).

Rosebud- That seems to be exactly the problem I am seeing demonstrated in this school. There is a general lack of respect for children, which I am just not okay with. It is like none of the staff even likes kids to begin with.

[bethanyclaire]

Originally Posted by Violet2

We don't yell a whole lot in our house (that is saved for family get togethers), but we don't go around with pleasantly moderated tones all the time either. I'm a naturally loud talker so I don't know. For me this thread is kind of overthinking it.

It probably has a whole lot less to do with decibel level and more to do with how the volume is synthesized by the parent for the child.

V

I think perhaps I should have been more specific. My family was also plenty loud! LOL! I'm not quiet and I don't know if I ever have a whole conversation in quiet, moderated tones! When I say "yelling" I mean a loud voice stemming from anger. To me, yelling AT someone is generally something done in anger and isn't just basic loudness. My kids are LOUD more often than not... we all are! Loudness isn't the problem, the disrespect and public humiliation is.

My ex's roommate screamed at her daughter and called her "stupid" and all sorts of other horrible things. She verged on verbal abuse. I had a boss who was the same way during high school. It was terrible.

[Calee]

I don't yell, and neither does my DH. When our kids hear someone in public yell, they turn and stare like the person has four heads.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

That said, I don't tend to yell in anger. I just have a loud voice. Is that the kind of thing you are talking about?

It is for my son. We've had to work with him because he used to be terrified of MIL. She has that just really "loud" presence in general, and it just intimidated him.

For us, it's a split. DD could have tons of yelling around her, and it wouldn't phase her. DS does not like yelling and will shy away from people who yell.

[St. Margaret]

Nah. We're loud and noisy in other ways. We sing and play rockband and play loudly... I am a loud person sometimes, and since returning to work I've had to really watch myself, b/c I use my loud classroom voice (not yelling, just projecting, my booming reach the back of my huge overcrowded classroom voice) without thinking.

DD is sensitive to some loud noises anyway, but I don't think our not yelling has much to do with that.

[KristyDi]

Originally Posted by Rosebud1

I've taught at the elementary grade level, and it is my observation that the teachers that yell the most have the most ineffective classroom management. Their students tend to be ill behaved as a result. Yelling is not effective. If you are a teacher that is organized, has procedures in place that are super predictable and are uber-consistent, you do not need to resort to yelling. Kids in classrooms with yellers tend to get desensitized to yelling, in that it stops grabbing their attention as readily, but there is a palpable tension in these classrooms at all times that inhibits learning. If you notice a lot of yelling in an organization, it is indicative of greater problems -- lack of control, lack of success, lack of respect for kids...

Having also taught elementary grades I completely agree, especially with the last sentence.

And in the context of this conversation I'm defining "yelling" as more than just speaking loudly. I'm thinking yelling has anger/venom behind it, not just volume.

Neither DH nor I are yellers. DD is only 2, but she is aware of and does not like angry yelling. Recently a mom was yelling at her kid in a store and dd stared wide eyed for a second then turned and clung to my leg (not normal for her) and said, "I scared." I picked her up and told her she was safe and she pointed out the girl being yelled at and said, "kid sad, need hug."

In fact, DH grew up around a lot of yelling. Between his 2 parents he lived through 5 divorces none of which were peaceful. While we were engaged he told me he had heard enough yelling to last a lifetime and that he promised never to raise his voice in anger to me or our kids. 8 years later and he's kept that promise.