2 yo DD ripped her shoes apart - consequences?

[EzzysMom]

I'm steaming. My 2 year old DD just ripped her sneakers apart in a non-repairable way in the car. She started to do it, said "it broke", I was somewhere I couldn't stop safely or even see quite honestly since she's facing backwards. I told her to stop and put it down. She continued and ripped the shoes the rest of the way apart.

I'm ticked, obviously she's not old enough to have her buy herself another pair of shoes like a 10 year old with an allowance could. I'm not buying her another pair for at least a few weeks. She has a pair of keens which are appropriate for the weather now, so she'll have no choice of shoes for a while. Obviously that's a natural consequence.

Erg I'm mad. What else makes sense?

Maybe she won't be allowed to wear shoes in the car for a month or something, I'll have to take them on and off as we get in and out.

[madskye]

Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

Am not sure that there is much of a consequence here except explaining that those shoes are broken now, and can't be worn, and explaining to her that it's important to take care of things like shoes, so she has something to wear on her feet on the playground, etc.

And maybe explaining that you don't want her to destroy things like her shoes, as well.

[Abraisme]

This sounds like totally normal 2yo behavior. Perhaps the "no shoes in the car" rule could happen for a couple of days, but I think a month is far too long at that age. My son hated it when I wouldn't let him wear his shoes in the car, so I would often use that as a consequence, but only in the moment.

Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?

[beckyand3littlemonsters]

Originally Posted by madskye

Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

Am not sure that there is much of a consequence here except explaining that those shoes are broken now, and can't be worn, and explaining to her that it's important to take care of things like shoes, so she has something to wear on her feet on the playground, etc.

And maybe explaining that you don't want her to destroy things like her shoes, as well.

Originally Posted by Abraisme

This sounds like totally normal 2yo behavior. Perhaps the "no shoes in the car" rule could happen for a couple of days, but I think a month is far too long at that age. My son hated it when I wouldn't let him wear his shoes in the car, so I would often use that as a consequence, but only in the moment.

Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?

to both

[EzzysMom]

Originally Posted by madskye

Two is pretty little to have a clue as to what she was doing. Is she verbal enough to explain to you what she was trying to do? Was there a loose piece of shoe that started the whole dismantling?

She told me it was broken. She is very verbal and I don't believe she was out to destroy her shoe, I believe it started as an accident but then she didn't listen and stop when I told her to. She then came home and told her daddy that she broke her shoes.

She ripped the cushioning off of the insole to the shoe which gives arch support and such (not just a flat cushion) into several pieces so we can't put it back together. They were in fine shape when I put them back on her at the grocery store (the stop before she took them off again and ripped it up).

Thanks for the thoughts

[EzzysMom]

Originally Posted by Abraisme

Also, what kind of shoes did you buy that a 2yo could rip them apart? I've never owned a pair of shoes that I could physically tear into pieces. Perhaps sturdier shoes next time?

They were pediped flex's. I like to buy the flexible ones so she can move well, she tends to fall down more in the stiffer shoes, but that also means that they are softer for breaking.

[madskye]

Sounds like she was just curious...it is annoying, and not like you want or can be a fountain of new shoes, but it will probably be a loooong time before she really listens to you when you tell her to stop anything.

Maybe when you have a quiet moment show her the shoes and say you are sorry they are broken but reinforce that what really bothers you is that she didn't listen when you told her to stop?

That said, it will still take her a while to learn how to do that. I have a delightful 5 YO DD and I still have to physically redirect her sometimes when I ask her to stopy xyz.

[lach]

I'm sorry, but I have to agree with the others. She didn't know what she was doing, and at 2 she doesn't really understand that some things just can't be fixed. She's confident that you can fix ANYTHING.

That said, I understand the frustration of telling a 2yo to stop and have them continue. I really don't say "no" or "stop" very much, so when I do say it, I really really mean it... someone is or is about to get very hurt, or something is being destroyed. I'm really trying to figure out how to get across that my commands to stop doing something are not arbitrary, don't exist just to be background noise, and it's actually important to listen to me when I say it. As I said, I really don't say it very often: she's generally a cautious and careful kid and most of the things we do and places we go are relatively safe for her. When I say it, I REALLY mean it.

As of yet, I haven't figured out a way to get that across yet, and sometimes it's very frustrating.

[MusicianDad]

Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.

[lolar2]

Or maybe the company will send you a free replacement pair.

[Artichokie]

i guess i have to disagree with the majority. :

I have a very verbal 2 yr old and i would fully expect her to obey me and put the shoes down. I would also come up with some sort of consequence if she destroyed perfectly good shoes. I guess I would come up with something she loves to do (for example, help let the dogs out), and then tell her she couldn't because her shoes were ruined. If she, on her own, came up with a substitute pair, I would accept that and let her help, but only if she came up with that solution on her own.

[MusicianDad]

Except it's about more than being verbal. You can't really expect a 2 year old to have full understanding of the situation, nor the understanding at the time that ripped shoes are gone for good.

[Artichokie]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Except it's about more than being verbal. You can't really expect a 2 year old to have full understanding of the situation, nor the understanding at the time that ripped shoes are gone for good.

Mine would have adequate understanding, and the OP thinks her would, too, which is the reason I spoke up. There is a whole lot of variation in what a child of 2 can understand, and in my case, my dd would definitely get it.

[eclipse]

There's a big difference between understanding and having the impulse control to stop, which is what I'd imagine most 2 year olds would lack.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by EzzysMom

She told me it was broken. She is very verbal and I don't believe she was out to destroy her shoe, I believe it started as an accident but then she didn't listen and stop when I told her to. She then came home and told her daddy that she broke her shoes.

I wouldn't do anything. It's frustrating, but it wasn't really intentional. I don't really think it warrants a consequence.

[Sarah W]

Originally Posted by MusicianDad

Consequences to a 2 year old ripping her shoes apart?

Call the company and tell them they make crap shoes for 2 year olds. Then go out and buy a different brand.

This.

[loraxc]

I also have a very verbal 2yo, and I'm on the stricter side, but other than expressing my displeasure and explaining that the shoes have to be thrown away (I would do this in front of DS so her understood) I would not impose any consequences for this. It's irksome, but yeah, she's 2. Impulse control and compehension of end results...not there yet.

We normally do not sit immobile on our butts and expect toddlers to obey our words 100% of the time. Sometimes, often, you have to get up and intervene--not possible in the car, obviously. As we joke in our house, "the child is not yet under voice control."

[annettemarie]

Twos are, by nature, deconstructionists. It sounds incredibly frustrating, but since you couldn't stop the action in the moment it seems unfair to punish her after the fact.

[BetsyNY]

"Very verbal" doesn't mean "older." Just because a child is "very verbal" does not mean they somehow are more mature, or possess more self-control than a child who's less verbal.

2-year-olds destroy things sometimes. I'd be annoyed too, but you have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

[lach]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

"Very verbal" doesn't mean "older." Just because a child is "very verbal" does not mean they somehow are more mature, or possess more self-control than a child who's less verbal.

2-year-olds destroy things sometimes. I'd be annoyed too, but you have to chalk it up to "stuff happens."

Agreed. It also doesn't mean that they understand time or permanence. The most verbal 2yo in the universe just doesn't understand that when something is ruined, it's really ruined for good. I'm definitely not a "no rewards or punishments" mom, but I only punish when it's something that DD should have known not to do, but did anyway. She knows that she shouldn't hit her brother, she knows that she's not allowed to leave the back yard. Impulse control I make allowances for even in these cases, dependent upon the situation.

But for the situation mentioned here, she had no idea what she was doing or what was going to happen: which was why she was doing it. Being verbal doesn't make her understand the universe better.

Back to the time punishment, if she did it earlier today IMO it's too late to punish now anyway. They have no concept of time yet. My (very verbal) 2yo didn't remember that we went swimming (her very favorite thing in the world) 1/2 an hour after we did it yesterday. Tomorrow, she'll think that we did it tomorrow morning. Time isn't linear for them.