Husband wants 9 month old in his own bed

[confustication]

My youngest cosleeps with us still. He nurses many times throughout the night, and I love having him close for snuggles.

My husband wants our bed back. He wants to put the baby to bed in his own space. He's ignoring my protests, and setting up the pack and play in our room so this will happen (currently, he naps in the pack and play during the day beside my desk.)

I'm torn between feeling like the baby and I are not ready (although, since I sometimes work overnight, he *can* sleep* without me) and feeling like I need to respect my husband's need to reclaim some of our space and our relationship.

I need a compromise. Help!

[Bena]

Very quick reply, dinner's on the stove! But...could baby fall asleep in his own bed, and stay there for a part of the night, and come back to your bed for the remainder? That's what we do. DH and I get some alone time when we go to bed, and sometime around 3-4 am, I bring baby back in bed with us until the morning.

[dianakaye]

I think it's really important that you find out exactly what your husband's needs are. There are so many reasons he might want the baby out of the bed, and sometimes there are ways to meet your husbands need without having the baby moved completely (I agree with PP that the baby starting out in another bed and then being moved to the family bed when he wakes in the middle of the night is an excellent idea). I remember playing musical beds and trying a dozen different situations until we found what really worked for us. Meeting every family members needs is definitely possible and worth working for and you might not have to kick your little one out completely.

[confustication]

I think we will probably move to starting him out at night in his bed, though from a completely selfish standpoint, I love going to bed and letting him fall asleep with me.

My husband is feeling pretty slighted, and while I do try to meet his needs, I'll be the first to admit that I'm very kid centered at this point in time (we have two under two) and time spent without them is time I take to recharge.

I'm working tons of hours right now, and while it's slowing down a little, I feel like that time cosleeping/nursing to sleep is a great reconnection with my youngest, and I'm not sure *I* am ready to give that up. I suspect he'd be ok with the change at least for a few hours a night, but that's one of his longest/best nursing periods, and I also worry that there will be a negative impact on my milk production.

[beebalmmama]

Originally Posted by dianakaye

I think it's really important that you find out exactly what your husband's needs are. There are so many reasons he might want the baby out of the bed, and sometimes there are ways to meet your husbands need without having the baby moved completely (I agree with PP that the baby starting out in another bed and then being moved to the family bed when he wakes in the middle of the night is an excellent idea). I remember playing musical beds and trying a dozen different situations until we found what really worked for us. Meeting every family members needs is definitely possible and worth working for and you might not have to kick your little one out completely.

Ds 1 stayed in our bed but we had many creative sleep arrangements in the first year to make sure all of our needs were met.

OP, you may find that your LO will nurse more once he's in bed with you. If you notice any dip in your supply or negative impact on ds, I would suggest that your dh's needs will need to take backseat for just a little longer. Maybe the two of you could find other times to reconnect.

I am like you and probably like a lot of attached mamas, that I stay pretty babe focused especially in that first year. I felt a lot more guilt for it with ds 1, but things changed as he got older (now almost 5). Now that ds 2 is here (6 months) I think dh is more understanding because he sees this as a phase. If your first is still under 2 it is pretty understandable that your haven't yet reached that phase where you can step back and breathe. I also think mamas naturally have this connection to stay close, where some fathers may build this connection over time. IMO.

[GoJoJo]

Originally Posted by Bena

Very quick reply, dinner's on the stove! But...could baby fall asleep in his own bed, and stay there for a part of the night, and come back to your bed for the remainder? That's what we do. DH and I get some alone time when we go to bed, and sometime around 3-4 am, I bring baby back in bed with us until the morning.

We did this with DD around 10 mos or so, also at DH's request - nursed to sleep in our bed, transferred to crib. After waking during night, either DH would parent back to sleep or would bring her to me to nurse back to sleep. She would just stay in our bed until a.m.

This worked for a few months, we had to adjust again b/c DD is a thrashy sleeper, opportunistic (constant!) night-nurser, we couldn't afford to upgrade to a king bed, and she fell out of our bed once! (Should've put mattress on floor, I know.) We decided to make her own room the 1 place where she does all of her nighttime sleeping.

Current pattern that has worked for all parties since around 14 mos., (DD now 18 mos): there's a double bed and crib in DD's room, nurse to sleep lying down in that bed, DH transfers her to crib, if she wakes anytime before 3:30 or so DH will parent back to sleep (or try to), when she wakes up at 4 or later I will get up, bring her into the double bed with me and snuggle/ nurse/ sleep until 6:30 or 7 when we're up for day. Sometimes DH climbs in with us around this time so he can experience the morning snuggles

I was reluctant to change the status quo, too, but I feel we struck a great balance for now. Oh, and I made it clear to DH what my expectations of his nighttime responsibilities were once I began playing musical beds. He was happy to pitch in more in order to 'reclaim' our marital bed.

[texmati]

Originally Posted by Bena

Very quick reply, dinner's on the stove! But...could baby fall asleep in his own bed, and stay there for a part of the night, and come back to your bed for the remainder? That's what we do. DH and I get some alone time when we go to bed, and sometime around 3-4 am, I bring baby back in bed with us until the morning.

this is where I'd like to be... DH doesn't mind having the kiddo in our bed so much, but I would like a little space.

[sarah1122]

We had similar issues. I love bedsharing...DH is an amazing father, but wasn't so thrilled.

Then DH came to me very honestly and kindly one day when DS was about 9 months and told me that he really missed having alone time in bed with his wife...well what could I say to that? I kind of missed him too and hearing this from him made me feel really loved and appreciated

So we tried some different things and now we put DS (now 20 months) to bed in his crib in our room so that we can have the bed to ourselves for a few hours. We bring him into bed with us the first time he wakes up (now usually between 2-4am). It works great, DS isn't traumatized into sleeeping on his own or being without us and everyone is happy.

I'm a firm believer that while kids certainly take first priority, keeping your marriage healthy is a very close second...a healthy marriage trickles down to healthier kids.

[Baby_Cakes]

I think as long as both parents are willing to take turns or otherwise fairly share parenting with wakeups, there shouldn't be a problem. Give it a try. We're about to go through this again soon (getting DD to sleep in her own bed in her room) and I'm nervous but ready. Good luck!

[LionessMom]

you could try a sidecarred crib...

[kismetbaby]

Just wanted to say. . .I am in exactly the same place. DH wants his wife and his bed back. I love snuggling my LO and maybe am just not ready to make the change (LO might be ready might not be). And I admit, some nights I am a wee bit tired of being a human pacifier.

So this is what we are going to try for now. Putting a crib mattress on the floor next to our bed. Seeing if he'll fall asleep there and stay there for some portion of the night, but bring him back into bed with us when he needs it.

We get the mattress this weekend. . ..so we'll see how this goes.