I feel like I am failing as a mother, and as a person in general

[bluebirdiemama]

There is a lot of back story... I will just try to sum it up here...
I was born when my mother was 16, and I think she has always had some resentment toward me because I "stole" her teenage years. Plus my biological father was never in the picture, so I have always been just abig mistake all the way around. Fortunately for me I had some one to be a dad to me, and when I was almost a teenager they moved to this country with me. They never did bother to get my paper work done for me. So, if you want to be really technica about it, you can say that they brought me here illegally, kept me here illegally, and never worried about how it might affect my life. I am currently dealing with a lot of anger having to do with this. As it turns out, I stayed here, had my first baby, and then had to choose between marrying my boyfriend (with whom my relationship had been much less then ideal), or having to leave the country.
Anyways, I am off track. So, my parents moved me around from state to state and town to town, and I am terribly shy, so it was always hard for me to make friends. But in high school my mother really bombed. I think she saw that I had the potential to be happy, somethig she feels she missed out on, so she tried to put an end to that. She restricted my social life to access to an emotionally abuive boyfriend, and my job. All my relationships ended up being weak,based on nothing, because I couldn't spend time with anyone. She wouldn't let me spend time with anybody outside school and my job. I couldn't drive, because I was not legal, didn't know anyone with a car, and when I asker her for a ride to work, she acted like I was abig pain in the a$$. Beyond this we had almost no interaction. (my mother and I)

Because I had no idea how to function... I spent a year after high school trying to figure it out. Then I spent 3 years depressed as hell and using various things to try to kill myself on the inside. When I got pregnant with my ds, my life very slowly started to change.

It is better than it was, but this is me now...
I am a stay at home mom with two small children, horrible anxiety that keeps me from having friends, and most of the time from leaving the house. I have no idea how to constructively spend my time. No self esteem. No family of my own that will talk to me, besides my grandparents. No idea, what so ever, how to live an emotionally sustainable life.
My relationship with my husband is less than ideal... I love him, but our entire relationship has been as freakin wreck, and the crapiness of it all was "settled for" because I was almost forced to marry him. We probably could have redeemed the relationship, but because we got married when not ready for it, I think that chance has slimed down to ... very little, and totally taken any urgency out of it (for him mostly).
He's a very good man and I love him, but if I had felt like it was my choice I wouldn't have married him when I did.

My kids are bored. I want to teach them things, but I am so self ish and self absorbed lately that I can't be happy just spending time with them. We are financially screwed, we are all sick without health care, and now I think I am pregnant with a third baby.

I don't know what in the hell to do.
I feel like such a freakish f*** up

[gothnurse3]

First of all. You are crying out for help. You are not a f&^% up. You need therapy and possibly medication to build you up. There are places that will do it on a sliding scale if money is a problem. You deserve to take of you...and as a mother you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of anybody else well. Take care of yourself.

[brittneyscott]

I don't know if I can offer any real insight or help but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. Our situations are entirely different but I too feel like a horrible awful mother. I think you need to see a therapist. They can do a mental analysis and get you medication that can help you. Its a psychological issue of some kind maybe a few different things. I am about to go back to the doctor finally because I know I need it. I have been diagnosed before with mental issues (before kids) but decided when I got pregnant with DD that I didn't want to be on meds having kids. I wanted to be "normal". I realize now that that isn't possible for me and I hope I can be a better mother if I get back on my medication.

I think I'm getting side tracked. Go see a doctor and get the right medication for you. This may take some trial and error but it should help you. It can help with the social anxiety too. The 'self-absorbed' is most likely not YOU being self-absorbed but depression. I don't know what else to really say right now and not publicly at least. PM me.

[mama*pisces]

mama...you've been through so much, please be gentle with yourself! I don't know if you believe in God...even if you don't, I suggest getting very quiet with yourself(lighting a candle may help, staring into the flame will put you into a trance-like, peaceful state), do some deep breathing, and focus your mind on healing. You need to heal, mama. I also suggest finding a therapist to talk to. And maybe in the meantime, journaling? I wish you the best.

[QueeTheBean]

My background is nothing like yours--I had a great childhood, great parents and family, wonderful husband. But I still feel the exact same way that you do. So, I don't have any advice, jsut empathy.

[LROM]

The fact that you came here, wrote that all out,a nd are giving such an honest assessment of your relationships with yourself, your husband, your kids, and the world, is a HUGE STRENGTH and POSITIVE THING that bodes really really well for the liklihood you'll not onlysurvive this incredibly difficult period, but also thrive through it.

First off, you are dealing with so many different issues that probably the first thing you should do is prioritize them. Looking at the things you can change and the things that have the most urgency.

I'm going to say something that may be unpopular here but it really sounds to me like the biggest thing that is time-sensitive: your pregnancy. Are you sure you're pregnant? If so, how far along? And is this a pregnancy you and your husband were trying for? From everything you say about your life and what's going on, unless it's something you're opposed to, would you consider not having that baby? Some might also propose having it and putting it up for adoption, but in my experience, someone who feels like you do right now is not going to go through with putting it up for adoption for many reasons so be careful with that option. But it sounds like adding another child to the mix when you are as stressed as you are may be a bad idea IF you don't oppose even considering not having a new baby.

And if you're NOT pregnant, what steps are you and your husband taking to not get pregnant right now, or were you trying to get pregnant? Given that it sounds like the idea you might be totally stresses you out, of you were trying or you were at least not trying NOT to get pregnant, can you talk to your husband about trying harder to NOT get pregnant while you get through this difficult time? Have you talked to him abou tthat?

After that, what health issues are you specifically facing? Your ability to deal with all the rest of it and face all this will certainly be helped if you can improve how you feel physically, even just a little bit. What is your obstacle to having healthcare? Do you qualify for medicaid, or at least do your kids? And are you on other financial assistance?

Then with all the other stresses, since you do have a relationship with your grandparents, have you ever told them how you're feeling? Would you ever print out your post here and show it to them and ask them if they can help you think some of this through or if they have any advice?

And your kids, how old are they? Is your husband as socially anxious as you are, and if not, can he take them out more, both to give you a break (even if it's just weekends and an occaisional evening) but also to help expand their experiences? Do your grandparents ever watch them and can they take them out a little to stimulate them more? Are your kids old enough to ask them what they'd like to do?

Those are some ideas for some ofthe challenges you've listed. What do you think?

Overall your situations reminds me something that my boss says a lot. "This is a huge elephant in the room, and none of us can eat an elephant in one bite to make it go away. It will take many many small and some big bites to digest this elephant, so we have to think strategically about where to start biting this elephant and understand it will take some time, a lot of chewing, and a lot of patience to eat this elephant. Where should we start?"

You are stronger than you realize, just that you posted this at all shows this. Figure out what small bites you can take and try not to keep looking at the whole elephant and getting overwhelmed by it, because that's so easy to do.

Best of luck!

[Purple Sage]

You're a very strong mama! I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said, but just wanted give you hugs. You WILL get through this!

[bluebirdiemama]

Thanks everybody.
I feel kind of pathetic having such a big pity party for myself lately. I just want to suck it up and get over it, but I think that's what I've done about all these feelings in the past. Never properly dealing with them, and getting them out of the way.
So I will work through the feelings. I know somewhere I can g for free counseling. I believe in God and I know He will carry me through.
If we have another baby, I will love him or her like complete madness...

Maybe it was partly the "going publc" with posting my feelings that was like, symbolic of putting it out there to be dealt with. IDK, but it really helps to be able to post on MDC and get encouraging feedback.
Thanks mamas