Stealing names- naming etiquette?

[BethMama]

Hi all,
My brother and his wife found out they were pregnant about two months after dh and I did, and my brother asked me this spring at a family gathering what names we were thinking of. I told him we were keeping them under wraps this time (last time we found out gender and told everyone our ds name- this time we don't know gender and aren't telling names). He said he just wanted to make sure we weren't thinking the same names, so I told him some we were thinking of.

Today I found out that he is planning on using one of the boy names I said was on our list. It is a VERY unusual name, so I'm pretty sure it was one of the ones I shared.

So, my question is- did he steal it? Can dh and I use it since it was "ours" and we're due before them, or since they know gender and seem settled, do we need to forfeit it? Dh and I love it, and agree on so few boy names, but now I feel as though we are stealing it if we use it. Do I confront them or just let it go? Thoughts?

[paintedfire]

First come, first served.

[Juvysen]

ouch. I... really don't know what I'd do. If there were another option I felt was available, I'd probably go for it. If you couldn't agree on any other names, then do it anyway.

[jennica]

I think it's yours to use. You even told him you might be using it, so he shouldn't be too surprised when you do.

[paintedfire]

Originally Posted by jennica

I think it's yours to use. You even told him you might be using it, so he shouldn't be too surprised when you do.

This is what I meant. Your baby is due first and you had the name first. Period.

Thanks for putting it into (much) better wording than I did, jennica.

[Ellen Griswold]

It seems like you were very honest with him. Seems like if they were thinking of the same name (however improbable) he should have told you when you shared the names. I think it's a case of baby name thievery and I'm really not sure what you should do. Can you approach him tactfully about it? Or would that not work? I think you're entitled to use it, especially if you have your baby first. I guess I'd try to talk it over with him first, but you know him best. Good luck!

[Bird Girl]

I would wait until d-day to find out if it will even be an issue. Your D-day, of course.

[RedOakMomma]

I would kindly ask him if he remembers you telling him that name, and let him know that it's still a name you really love. THEN I would probably say something like "I don't mind if you use it, too, but I wanted you to know we're likely to use it."

[dejagerw]

Originally Posted by RedOakMomma

I would kindly ask him if he remembers you telling him that name, and let him know that it's still a name you really love. THEN I would probably say something like "I don't mind if you use it, too, but I wanted you to know we're likely to use it."

I like this idea. Things might turn out bad if you just use the name without talking to him first. That being said, your baby is due first, so you do have first dibs on names. However, sometimes babies are born early and others born late, so there's always the possibility they could use the name first too.

[lilmiss'mama]

It seems like he would have mentioned something right when the name came up if they were really thinking of using it, like a pp said. It almost sounded like he tricked you into giving him ideas!
It seems like bringing it up in a gentle way before the birth would be a good idea. But it could be a non issue so I'd try not to get too worked up. Not only may it not be a boy your baby may not even seem like a (fill in name here) when he's born.
Good luck!

I don't tell anyone our possible names...I just couldn't stand to have an issue like that come up!

[babygirlie]

I think that was really crappy of them.

[HeatherB]

I hate this kind of situation. I agree, it's best to talk to them about it. If it's a name you love, let them know that, especially since you did tell them it was on your list. I'd try to make it light, but let them know it's something you're concerned about.

And then, you get to pick the baby name YOU love for your baby.

[Funny Face]

Awww man, that's a crap situation!

I agree maybe telling him (closer to the birth, if you decide to use it) that you are going to use that name and ask him if he remembers you telling him that name before.

This is why we don't tell anyone ANYTHING about names anymore. I could totally handle someone using a name we loved if I knew they had no idea we were even considering it, but otherwise I'd just be wondering if they'd gotten the idea from me and then used it.

[CherryBomb]

I'd either use it and not say anything before hand, or just tell him "I told you that name was on our list and we've decided to use it." If he wants to use it anyway, oh well. And yeah, I think it was rude of them to go out of their way to ask what names you were thinking of and then use one.

[rightkindofme]

Enh, there are a ton of situations in my family where people have the same name. We just come up with nicknames and it all works out. If they aren't exactly the same age in the same class at school I don't see why it's a big deal. I share my name with a freakin bazillion other people and it's never hurt me.

[AmyKT]

Originally Posted by BethMama

Today I found out that he is planning on using one of the boy names I said was on our list. It is a VERY unusual name, so I'm pretty sure it was one of the ones I shared.

It sounds like you're not totally sure that it's one of the names you shared. I'd have a gentle, non-confrontational talk about it and just see if he remembers you mentioning it. Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. Maybe he was only half listening but it seeped into his consciousness anyway. Then you can have a talk about who loves it more.

I have a hard time believing that very many people do these types of things mailiciously. I think it almost always comes down to a misunderstanding or a faulty memory.

[limette]

Originally Posted by rightkindofme

Enh, there are a ton of situations in my family where people have the same name. We just come up with nicknames and it all works out. If they aren't exactly the same age in the same class at school I don't see why it's a big deal. I share my name with a freakin bazillion other people and it's never hurt me.

If you have a problem with someone using "your" name then either keep them to yourself or copyright it so no one else can use it.

[~Adorkable~]

I would address it earlier than later, in case they are rapidly attached to it, better to give them plenty of time to find a new one.

It may be as innocent as her thinking it up and him never thinking to share your list. He'll he might remember hearing it "somewhere" and honestly being too scattered to remember where by the time he heard it again.

Or he might have been thinking it since before you and just didn't know how to say something, but if like you said it is very unusual, that seems unlikely.

I would just talk to him, or if you are close with her, make a mom to mom talk would help.

[BethMama]

Originally Posted by limette

If you have a problem with someone using "your" name then either keep them to yourself or copyright it so no one else can use it.

Clearly no name belongs to anyone, that's why I put quotation marks around the "our" in the OP. That's my point exactly- names are up for grabs, but I didn't want to hurt feelings long term by using the name when they love it.

RedOak- great post, I think I will write and tell them that we plan to use it, but they are welcome to as well (we live about 5 hours from them, so it wouldn't be a huge deal if they did, just wanted our ds to have a unique name).

[texmati]

is anyone else terribly curious as to what the name is? OP I live in texas, you can tell me!!!