unsupportive mother.. what to tell her?

[forumyonly1]

i am currently planning my second home birth (4th child) and i'm getting really excited about it. i know i am making the right choice for myself and my baby.. but my mother is VERY unsupportive.

when i had my 3rd baby i lived out of state and didnt tell her i had the baby at home until after he was born.. she was VERY concerned.. even though everything went well. she came up the day after and met my midwife and loved her and kept telling her it was so nice for her to come all the way to the house to do these check-ups/visits. while she was staying with me she met 4 other moms who had birthed at home and every time she would just be shocked and completely freaked out.

this time i moved back home at 18 weeks pregnant and was talking about finding a care provider and said i'd like to do a home birth again and she FREAKED out saying "you will not do that to me again! you are having the baby in the hospital like you are supposed to!"..

she thinks having the baby at home isnt "sanitary".. i was at my nephews birth with her and she made this awful face the entire time she was pushing him out.. and she had an epidural and couldnt feel a thing so it's not like she was in pain.. and my mom was at the head of the bed.. so she couldnt see anything either.. it totally ruined the moment for me.. luckily my sister in law didnt see her face.. but she told me she doesnt want to be there when i have this baby because she feels it is a private thing.. i didnt want her to be there so that's great for me.. but i am NOT having a hospital birth again unless i absolutely have to.... so how do i deal with my mom?! what do i say to her?

[Smokering]

As little as possible. She doesn't seem like she's in the headspace to discuss this rationally, so don't waste the energy trying. Change the subject, tell her flat out it's not up for discussion, and don't feel the need to "convert" or convince her. It's the path of least resistance. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

[Beltane]

Originally Posted by Smokering

As little as possible. She doesn't seem like she's in the headspace to discuss this rationally, so don't waste the energy trying. Change the subject, tell her flat out it's not up for discussion, and don't feel the need to "convert" or convince her. It's the path of least resistance. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Exactly! Congrats!

[womenswisdom]

If you're not planning to have the baby at her house, it's really none of her business. I'd just say "I can see you're not comfortable with this, but I am making the best decision for my family. If you are unable to be supportive, we just won't be able to discuss the birth." That's pretty much what I had to say to my mom (though it sounds like mine was less vocal about her disapproval/anxiety than yours) and it did work.

[peainthepod]

It sounds like she has some unresolved issues surrounding birth that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Tune her out and refuse to let her negativity bring you down. You are under no obligation to talk to her about it or include her in your plans. I'm sorry she isn't supportive.

[Theoretica]

Ugh. I hear ya. My stepmom thinks we're crazy. She also hates the name we picked out. This is (yet again) what I get for sharing TMI with her. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with it as well!

[MsBlack]

When you say you moved back home--do you mean, to your hometown, or into your mother's home?

If you're in your mom's home, I'd say find someone else's home to give birth in! I've done that (for other reasons) and it was fine.

Otherwise, yeah, what the others said--just don't discuss your care and birth plans with her. Let her know that you are making the best decision for you and your family, that you are not willing to argue or listen to objections, that you love her but prefer not to discuss this with her. You may have to repeat that message if she pushes, or repeatedly tries to bring it up "sorry, mom, I'm really not open to discussing this with you. Since we disagree so fully, let's just let it be." Her fears are not rational, do arise from her own 'old stuff', and are unlikely to be accessible for resolving with you. And you don't need that stress and negativity! But you do need, for your own peace of mind, to have clear boundaries about what is and isn't open for discussion and her input.