Please help me not feel guilty about setting boundaries with my mother!

[Anna's Lovey]

I have a lot of issues with my mother. She was very a very neglectful mother when I was a child.
I'm done blaming her for who I am now. And I'm done wanting her to feel guilty. What I want is for her to acknowledge that the distance between us. The distance that I try to put between us.

I'm having a baby in July. I specifically asked her to visit two weeks after the baby is born and for no more than three weeks. She agreed. Then a few days later she calls to tell me that she is house-sitting an hour away from where I live starting July 14th (my due date is July 19th) I know her. She's going to call me every day to "check on me". She's going to tell me she's just an hour away if I need anything. She's going to say "I was going downtown for....and I thought maybe I could drop by" etc.

I so NEED a. to not have the added stress of dealing with my mother while I'm about to give birth. b. to have some alone time while I and my toddler (and my husband ) adjust to our new life. c. for her to keep her visit short to minimize the amount of emotional damage she does while she's here.


Setting boundaries with my mother is soo difficult. She doesn't ignore them, she just kind of seeps around them.
If I get angry and express my anger I wind up feeling like the abuser. if I don't I feel like the victim.

I'm calling around to find a therapist, but it usually takes time to get an appointment, and this thing is driving me batty. Any feedback would be so appreciated.

I don't want to be in a situation where answering my mother's calls (or not answering them) is going to interfere with my mental and emotional preparation for giving birth. I don't want to have to deal with navigating our negative relationship during this very important time in my life.

[rabbitmum]

I too have a mother who doesn't respect boundaries. She doesn't seem to understand that they are there, even when I try to be as explicit as possible. I know how extremely stressful it is to be in a vulnerable situation and know that I can be invaded at any moment.

In your situation I think it is sensible to state really explicitly and firmly (and as calm as possible) what you need, i.e. where your boundaries are, and then make sure they are enforced with as little hassle to you as possible. As you say she will probably try her best to find little ways to overstep or circumvent them, therefore it is important that you know beforehand what you are ok with, and then stick to that. It seems like you already know your own boundaries quite well, so maybe you don't have the same problem as me, who very often feel guilty and give in.

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

I have a lot of issues with my mother. She was very a very neglectful mother when I was a child.
I'm done blaming her for who I am now. And I'm done wanting her to feel guilty. What I want is for her to acknowledge that the distance between us. The distance that I try to put between us.

For a mother like that to understand that you and she are not one, is really hard, maybe impossible, and I am not sure that it is possible to get the message across to her, especially not without her feeling hurt. The problem is, I think, that she wants to stay in the symbiosis that you two were in when you were a newborn baby; she can't manage to see where she ends and you begin. I think it is necessary to tell her straight that you need distance. Especially when there are big things happening in your life. Say "I want" so that she can hear that this is a conscious, actual wish from you, not just a "random emotion": "I want time away from you. I do not want you here when the baby is just born. My husband, the toddler and baby and I want this time as a family."

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

She's going to call me every day to "check on me". She's going to tell me she's just an hour away if I need anything. She's going to say "I was going downtown for....and I thought maybe I could drop by" etc.

When she tells you that she will be only an hour away if you need anything, you can say that you appreciate that she is offering to be there for you, but as you said, you want this first time alone with your family. She will just have to get used to the idea that she is not your closest family anymore. If my mother turned up on the doorstep in a situation like that, I would let my husband answer the door and have him tell her diplomatically (which he is good at) that I am resting with the baby.
I would put my cellphone on "quiet", or switch it off and put it somewhere I wouldn't be tempted to go and look at it all the time. To check the cellphone once a day is enough and relieves me of a lot of stress.

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

I so NEED a. to not have the added stress of dealing with my mother while I'm about to give birth. b. to have some alone time while I and my toddler (and my husband ) adjust to our new life. c. for her to keep her visit short to minimize the amount of emotional damage she does while she's here.

I really, completely understand.

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

Setting boundaries with my mother is soo difficult. She doesn't ignore them, she just kind of seeps around them.
If I get angry and express my anger I wind up feeling like the abuser. if I don't I feel like the victim.

Yes, this is how it works with my mother, too. I have found out that the only thing that works for me is to tell her before I get angry, because if I show any anger or any other "negative" emotion, she dismisses the entire message because I am "irrational". It is SO difficult, and stressful, and any interaction with my mother can leave me in an emotional turmoil for days. So much guilt, and sadness, and feeling invaded, rejected, and worthless. Because her not even trying to respect me and who I am, sort of negates me as a person. I am trying to come to terms with the fact that she can't help it, and she can't change. It is I who have to carry the burden of putting up the boundaries that should have been there from the time I was two years old. I have to be the good example and respect my own as well as her boundaries, for the sake of my children and myself.

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

I don't want to be in a situation where answering my mother's calls (or not answering them) is going to interfere with my mental and emotional preparation for giving birth. I don't want to have to deal with navigating our negative relationship during this very important time in my life.

I completely sympathise, and I hope that you can manage to get the distance that you need. Do you really think two weeks is a short visit? You should probably think through how long you really want her there for. The ideal of a close-knit family where the mother helps the daughter is all very nice, but those things depend on mutual respect.

And I would really try not to think of her so much. She has no right to take up so much of your time and energy, even when she is not there! It is she who has a problem, one that you can't help her with, and you have to look after yourself.

[MariaMadly]

[QUOTE=Anna's Lovey;15502936What I want is for her to acknowledge that the distance between us. The distance that I try to put between us.
[/QUOTE]

I'm not sure what you mean by needing this. Do you mean her emotional acknowledgement, where she understands and respects your reasons for wanting distance and works to maintain boundaries that are comfortable for you? Or do you mean that you need her behavior to remain within the boundaries you've set?

In either case, you might gain more peace teasing out the components over which you have control rather than trying to get your mother on board. PPs suggestion of adjusting your cell phone settings is a great idea. In that case, you're not dependent on your mother honoring your boundaries; YOU're honoring them yourself, regardless of what she may do.

I spent years trying to explain to my mother why I behaved a certain way around her, trying to get her to "get it" and she either doesn't understand, or she thinks I am so wrong not to give her the last word on issues that are my personal decision. All she did was try to guilt me, probably unconsciously, but her response was hurt and bewildered. She didn't have the capacity or will to go beyond that. When I made my own happiness with my decisions enough and started making sure the give and take with her reflected that, it took a lot of pressure of both of us. I'll never have her support, but we're easier in each other's company and I can genuinely enjoy her. That, in turn, warms her, and we're both happier.

Congratulations on your growing family!

[RiverTam]

There's a very useful book, "The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense" that might help you. It teaches a technique called Leveling, that might let you set your boundaries and enforce them without feeling like an abuser or feeling like a victim.

The author is Suzette Haden Elgin. It was really useful for me. (Along with Susan Forward's "Toxic Parents," but that's more about the "what" than the "how.")

[Anna's Lovey]

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my post, Rabbitmum.
"It seems like you already know your own boundaries quite well, so maybe you don't have the same problem as me, who very often feel guilty and give in."
That's the thing. I'm anticipating that my resolve will crumble in this situation,(usually I start to think, "things will be different this time"), which is why I'm so worried.


"I would put my cellphone on "quiet", or switch it off and put it somewhere I wouldn't be tempted to go and look at it all the time. To check the cellphone once a day is enough and relieves me of a lot of stress."

That's a good Idea! I didn't think of that.

"Do you really think two weeks is a short visit?"

Under normal circumstances, I can bear two weeks. It my be different postpartum though.

"And I would really try not to think of her so much. She has no right to take up so much of your time and energy, even when she is not there! It is she who has a problem, one that you can't help her with, and you have to look after yourself."

You're so right! Thank you.

[Anna's Lovey]

Thank you for the book recommendation, RiverTam.

[Anna's Lovey]

"I'm not sure what you mean by needing this. Do you mean her emotional acknowledgement, where she understands and respects your reasons for wanting distance and works to maintain boundaries that are comfortable for you? Or do you mean that you need her behavior to remain within the boundaries you've set?"

I think more than anything I'd like her to just respond to my cues appropriately. I'm very closed off with her(used to be an automatic shut-down kind of thing, but now it's more of a rational response to being shut down every time I express a thought, opinion or emotion), I don't tell her I miss her, I don't ask her to come visit. Yet... she decided that she as going to *help me* with my new baby for two months, she always tells me she wants to live closer to me(I don't say anything when she says this), A few days ago, she said her goal was to finish college and get a job so she could buy me a house! Wow. Ok.
It's just weird when she acts like we are this close, mother-daughter couple when we are not, and I've done NOTHING to reciprocate her "advances." I've even stopped talking to her for months at a time.

You're right though, it's probably not going to change much on her part.

[jeteaa]

As for when your mom comes for a visit.... you have NO idea how you will feel after baby is born. You may not feel up to any visitors for a few weeks. Or you may WISH you had a bit a help???? I would keep the door open to the WHEN. That is tell her "I'll call you when I'm ready for you to visit, it may be a few days after the birth, it may be a few weeks." BUT if she is going to be close for those weeks she is house sitting, I would try to allow her to come before she has to leave.

[Adaline'sMama]

Did she intentionally offer to houesit AFTER you told her your boundries? That is the kind of manipulative thing my mother would do.

[tinybutterfly]

Another book suggestion, Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I can't recommend this book enough. It's Christian-based, but even if you are not a Christian, there is a lot of good info in it.

Trying to establish healthy boundaries with someone who has no concept of boundaries at all can be hard and frustrating.

[LROM]

For your own sanity and peace of mind, I think it is *critical* that you understand and work with one basic idea that a PP mentioned: Focus on changing/shaping/fixing the things you DO have control over... and focus on LETTING GO of the things you DO NOT have any control over.

When it comes to your mom noticing/understanding the distance you're trying to create, you have no control. I understand why you want that - to me it's a healthier, less-unrealistic version of wanting her to actually acknowledge her negative impact and feel guilty. Sounds like you've let got of a lot of that (congratulations!) but now you still want her to "notice" that you're still not ok with her in your life.

You can't control what she notices or not. If you can, you really should let go of your attachment to her getting that. (I know that's difficult to do - that's what therapy is for so good for you for looking for it!)

BUT you CAN control the amount of contact (in person, phone, etc) she actually has with you and your family.

I agree with whoever said you have no idea how you'll feel when your babe is born. Instead of telling her that 3 weeks after birth you're ok for 2 weeks, I'd take PPs advice and say "I want no contact for ________ days/weeks/months starting now until after the baby is born. Then please continue no contact until you hear from me that I'm ready."

I would also, as calmly and not-angrily as you can, tell her that even if she doesn't understand why you need this, or doesn't agree with it, she still needs to respect it. And any efforts at contact outside of it show that she doesn't respect your judgement or your limits and that's an even bigger problem. If you haven't already said that, you need to say it clearly.

And if she DOES still contact you, can you let your husband respond to her? To just say "Anna's Lovey is not ready for contact yet, but she'll let you know when she is." and NOT get into a debate/conversation about why or the value of it. That's just how it is and all negotiating of it will have to wait until you're out of your pregnancy/labor/birth/immediate post partum safety zone. Is that a possible way to handle if she breaks the boundary?

One of the BEST pieces of advice I got before giving birth to DD was that since I was about to do the hardest, most amazing, most important thing I'd ever do in my life (next to additional births and actually raising those kids), I get to call the shots. I get to set the rules, as much as I can (i.e. can't dictate my actual birth-date but I can set up the environment/people/rules that I think will make it the best/healthiest experience it can be).

You are not being selfish or mean or a cruel by creating this distance if it's what you need. You need to have confidence in knowing and trusting your instinct and you need to focus on your family and not worry about your mom except for being clear what the boundaries are.

But you're setting yourself up for a harder time if you a) aren't clear about boundaries; b) don't have a backup plan fo rhow to handle if she doesn't respect the boundaries; and c) if you're still looking to her for something from her (acknowledgement of the distance you're creating). All those are likely to make your road a lot harder.

Best of luck birthing that beautiful babe you're about to have!

[A&A]

I love this quote from Oprah:

"We teach people how to treat us."

You have to keep working on teaching your mother how to treat you and what space to give you.

Good luck!

[Anna's Lovey]

I think her friends asked her to housesit. but, yes, this was after I asked to hold off on her visit.

[red and lulu]

Originally Posted by Anna's Lovey

If I get angry and express my anger I wind up feeling like the abuser. if I don't I feel like the victim.

this is so perfectly put — i know that place very, very well. it's a hard place to be. i don't have any advice that hasn't already been given, but big hugs

[proudmomof4]

I don't have anything to add, so I'm just sending some for a healthy pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period.

[minkymama]

This was so well put:

"Setting boundaries with my mother is soo difficult. She doesn't ignore them, she just kind of seeps around them.
If I get angry and express my anger I wind up feeling like the abuser. if I don't I feel like the victim."

That describes my MIL EXACTLY. I find it very hard, so I can relate to how crazy you are feeling about the behaviour. We have asked MIL to stay away after the birth until asked to visit...so she has organised accom in our area for my due date and two weeks after 'because I feel like a holiday down your way."

My DH developed a tactic as a teen to get her to respect the boundaries he was starting to set (his mom is completely enmeshed (sp?) and struggles with giving her kids the space they need, even now). He states how things are going to be very directly - really blunt, otherwise it won't get thru. No negotiating, no explaining, just state it and then proceed as if that is how things are going to be. Similar in some ways to LROM's advice.

I feel for you - and reading the responses, a common thread is letting go of needing her to get it. I think if you can let go of that then a lot of the frustration is dissolved? That's where I've got to with my MIL lately, and its helped me relax about her a lot.

[Anna's Lovey]

Thanks for the responses everybody and the encouragement. It's nice to know that I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing.

I'm feeling a *little* more clear, less guilty, less mixed up about the whole thing.