Having trouble stopping the praise

[candelaria80]

I just started reading "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" and came to the realization that a huge portion of mine and DH's day consists of praising DD. We are making an effort to stop, but find ourselves not knowing what else to say? She has just started walking and talking and is making huge strides everyday so we are constantly in celebration mode and saying "what a good girl" or "what a big girl" etc comes too naturally to us. DH also is always saying how beautiful or pretty she is as well.
Can anyone give me some phrases or comments we can try to make a conscious effort to begin to use?
thanks in advance.

[LynnS6]

Instead of stopping the praise, just be more specific. "Wow, you walked all the way across the room!" "Thanks for giving me that."

And I think that a few "good jobs!" and 'way to gos!' aren't going to do any harm. The key, for me, is to be excited with your daughter, not to use praise to get her to do certain things. But if you're genuinely excited with her, what's the harm?

FWIW, our 6 year old needs verbal praise. It's one of her love languages. She asks for it. "Do you like my picture?" I'm not going to withhold praise in that situation. I will say "I do. I really like the colors. Look, you even drew a sun up in the sky. Neat."

[Paeta16]

It is hard to stop...I know from experience and I still slip up from time to time for sure!

I think Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn gave good suggestions if I recall correctly. What we did was try to start asking questions instead:

"Did you have fun running down the hall?" instead of "great running!"
"Which colour do you like best?" instead of "What a great picture you drew!"
and so on.

I found forming questions changed my whole train of thought on the topic. Also I've read that praising the EFFORT that they put into something as opposed to the end result can help too. That may have been in UP or in NurtureShock (can't remember).

Good Luck!

[DevaMajka]

I found it helpful to think in terms of putting the focus on THEM and how they feel about their accomplishment, or just celebrating with them if they are excited.

"Yeah! You're walking!" "Oh, look at you climb! You got all the way up!!!" "Woohoo! You got the ring on the stacker!" "oohhh, that was exciting, wasn't it? Yay!!"

For other things, I talk about how their actions affect others. So:
"Thank you!" - when they do anything that seems "helpful" ie, handing you a piece of lint from the floor, lol. When they're older, I add something like "It really makes it more fun to clean when you help!"
"Shiloh likes it when you pet her nicely" when they pet the dog instead of crawling on her.
"Lily's happy that you shared your ball."

I keep the excitement in my voice, but refrain from evaluating their actions.

[candelaria80]

Thanks you guys, these suggestions help a lot!

[ASusan]

I do a lot of "yay!"s to share excitement of what DS is doing.

I also simply describe: "running!", with a smile on my face.

And, as others have suggested, "thank you."

[mamazee]

I try to think of the word appraisal, which is related to the word praise, and avoid comments that are appraisals, with me as the arbitrator of what is good and bad. There are lots of joyous, happy, excited things you can say, and questions you can ask, that aren't appraisals of your child and what your child does. Thinking of the word "appraisal" instead of "praise" helps me distinguish between praise and other nice things to say to children.

So, "That's good", "Good job", "Good girl", "what a big girl" = appraisals.

"You did it!" is a statement of fact, not an appraisal. "Thank you" is a statement of appreciation, not an appraisal.

Also, I find that my immediate notion is always that I have to comment on everything, and I try to hold back and ask whether a comment from me is necessary or not. I don't think it helps to be my kids' personal paraparazzi. But that is the hardest part for me. Not just how to say it, but whether it really needs to be said.

[reezley]

"You did it!"
"Look at you go!"
"You're working so hard!"
"Ooh, I see you're very busy doing important work" (Like doing a shape sorter, etc.)
"Thank you!" (for being helpful)
"You put all those shapes in?! Wow!"
"Way to go!"

[sparklefairy]

Originally Posted by Paeta16

It is hard to stop...I know from experience and I still slip up from time to time for sure!

I think Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn gave good suggestions if I recall correctly. What we did was try to start asking questions instead:

"Did you have fun running down the hall?" instead of "great running!"
"Which colour do you like best?" instead of "What a great picture you drew!"
and so on.

I found forming questions changed my whole train of thought on the topic. Also I've read that praising the EFFORT that they put into something as opposed to the end result can help too. That may have been in UP or in NurtureShock (can't remember).

Good Luck!

I remember NurtureShock saying something like kids who were told they worked hard were more likely to be okay with failure and to challenge themselves while kids who were told they were smart were more cautious and less likely to try things if they thought they might not succeed.

[laughymama]

We struggle really hard with this. We're trying to stop the constant "good job" or "what a good boy". It's hard because most of this happens without even thinking.

These are our favorites:

"You're so helpful!"
"I really love it when you help me...(do dishes, pick up your toys, pour the milk, cook..etc.)"
"You did it!" or "You fixed it!"
"Wow, that was a BIG kick. The ball went FAR!"
"Thank you for putting the dish in the sink!"
"Wow, you put it back together by yourself. You worked hard!"

[LaughingHyena]

For artwork and stuff I tend to ask questions
Which is your favourite part?
Which bit did you enjoy making most?
Where would you like to hang it ups (alway gets lots of conversation with DD)

For physical things (which DD needs a lot of confidence building)
Wow you must have been practicing really hard
You looked like you were trying really hard in you swimming lesson today

I found once I got past praise and just started talking about what they were doing it became more conversation and flowed mush more naturally.

[LDSmomma]

I try asking questions. DS is 17 mos, so my questions are usually related to the experience, like "did you have fun running fast?" I also make observations about what he's done: "You climbed all the way up!" In the beginning of this journey for me, I just replaced "Good Job" with "You did it!" or "alright!" THen, each time I said "you did it" I'd think of another way I could have said it without praise, and saved it up for next time. Since DS does everything repeatedly, next time was usually about 10 seconds later.

[Anandamama]

It's so great that you're thinking about this. And lots of good suggestions here. I do a lot of 'witnessing', ("you walked all the way across the room")and try to take my cues from the child as far as whether they're wanting or needing a reaction from me or not. I think it's a gift to let a child have their own quiet satisfaction with something and not jump in. We adults tend to want to always be having our say and making judgements/evaluations that are really not needed and it can be humbling to realize that sometimes what children need most is more sovereignity.
It's a deep thing, too, to understand how even positive judgements can undermine a child's confidence.

[DevaMajka]

Originally Posted by mamazee

Also, I find that my immediate notion is always that I have to comment on everything, and I try to hold back and ask whether a comment from me is necessary or not. I don't think it helps to be my kids' personal paraparazzi. But that is the hardest part for me. Not just how to say it, but whether it really needs to be said.

Ita. I'm noticing this a lot now, with ds2. I learned about not praising when ds1 was 6 mos old, so never really got into the habit, but I'm sure that it felt a little wierd to not praise.
With ds2, I've realized that I haven't said much (if anything) to him about him walking. And ya know what? He loves it anyway His joy and his desire to perfect his walking skills have nothing to do with how I feel about it.

[candelaria80]

Thanks everyone! We have started practicing and it is starting to become more natural. We still slip up every now and again, but I think, in our case anyway, it is more about really being tuned in and not just spitting out the compliments that come so easily to us. I in particular have been trying not to interject every second (which is challenging) and simply observe more and react which eye contact and smiles.
I even think I have gotten my mom on board, though it is VERY difficult for her to grasp, but she ordered "Becoming the Parent You Want to Be" today on Amazon.
Thanks again!