I'm trying to let this be okay, but how? - Page 2

[elmh23]

My kids do this and so do their friends. I don't have a problem with it but I do have a rule that bags are not allowed outside.

[Multimomma]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

My question is just about 'things'. My dd has many things, toys, jewelry, books, puzzles, trinkets, baby play items, beauty play items, purses, etc. She is an only child.

My dd has a best friend we'll call Mary. They are truely connected and love each other very much. They have been in preschool together for 2 years. We see them occasionally outside of school at different events and have occasional playdates.

The problem is that whenever this child comes to our house she has to collect all of the little trinkets and such and put them in bags and carry them around... to play. Mary is not allowed many things at all. She is made to give away gifts she receives and is only allowed certain toys and books and dress up, etc.

Do you maybe feel guilty that your daughter has so much?

I asked my dd about it and she said she decided that it would be okay for Mary to do that even though she and I together had made the boundaries. Her consequence is that she had to unload the bags and put it all away.

She didn't make the boundary. You did.

This seems totally reasonable to me and I don't know why it infuriates me so much to have this loading and unloading of things happening. Does anyone have any insight?

My insight is that this is developmentally normal and appropriate. If you are concerned about mess, then put some of it up before she gets there. If you are concerned about toys getting lost, then definitely draw the line between inside toys and outside toys.

At 6 should she be able to do this? or is that unreasonable? And what do I do now at our next playdate? (We only have a handful a year and I am already anxiety ridden about the next one)

I hate that I may have to look over her shoulder when they are playing... she hates that. and quite frankly I do too.

The problem is that this isn't a problem for her. She doesn't understand your desires, because in her mind, this is a fun and normal thing to do. All of my children have done this packing of toys, and most of the children I've watched as well. I'm sad that you have anxiety over it. I wish that you could, for the few times a year that this happens, let go and enjoy your child enjoying this time with her friend.

[Shenjall]

Is the anxiety stemming from the clutter? From things not being in their place? Or things not being in their place and you dont know where they are? Do you feel "out of control" when it happens?

Does it almost feel like an "invasion" into your personal space? (I know the toys are your daughters, but it's still your home)

I think I understand the frustration. I once had a friend who, when she came over, when touch everything. She would touch every thing in my home and move it while talking. She didnt even realize she was doing it. "So, I saw this awesome dress today....." (while she picks up my candlestick from the fireplace and moves it over to the tv unit) Drove me nuts!!

s

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

The problem is that whenever this child comes to our house she has to collect all of the little trinkets and such and put them in bags and carry them around... to play.

I haven't read all of the responses yet, but my DD does this. She's only 3, but she loves to load up all types of things in her purses. My mother and sister love purses and have bought her several, and she will have everything from her bracelets to toothpicks (yes, you read that right) in her purse. She stuffed one with underwear and socks once. I did have to tell her she couldn't put my things in the bag because if she found my keys or anything, she would squirrel them away. She's not denied "stuff," so it may not be a result of her parents' philosophy on possessions at all. It just seems to be fun for some people.

[mandib50]

ahhhh my kids used to do this. kind of annoying because i'd end up helping with the clean up and having to sort everything. but ... in the end they are your dd's belongings and for her to decide how to play with them (well of course within reason). if i were you i'd probably put stuff away that i didn't want the other kids playing with or dragging around.

i hope you figure out why it is bothering you and how you are going to deal with it in a constructive way

[EdnaMarie]

"The problem is the volume of little toys that were sorted for convenient playing by Raven's dd. Instead of several bins of easy to find toys, there are bags of random stuff sitting out in the lawn."

I agree that this is really irritating for a short time, but I think that the OP knows (as most of us) that that is just what happens when people play. This is bothering her for some other reason (I am assuming, since she obviously survived two and three, when this problem is soooo much worse).

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

"The problem is the volume of little toys that were sorted for convenient playing by Raven's dd. Instead of several bins of easy to find toys, there are bags of random stuff sitting out in the lawn."

I agree that this is really irritating for a short time, but I think that the OP knows (as most of us) that that is just what happens when people play. This is bothering her for some other reason (I am assuming, since she obviously survived two and three, when this problem is soooo much worse).

But there might've been fewer small tempting toys at that age.

DD is at that age and I just put the bags back in their basket with the stuff still inside. I can still understand why it'd be frustrating and think that it's easier to change the environment than children.

[Ravenlunatic]

Oh boy, you ladies are all so on top of it! And mostly right!

In writing my post and then discussing it with my dd I did get some clarity on MY issue. And in reading the responses it has totally confirmed several things. Like I said I have several issues with the one friend, so here goes.

My anxiety stems from several things:

Mary has, I believe, a very little respect for others, their feelings, and their toys. I don't know how much of this is 'normal and appropriate' because I really only have my dd to compare to and several other friends I look after. It seems that Mary just has less regard than some for what I mentioned. This bugs me because I know how much my dd adores her and will just allow Mary to do whatever she pleases because of it. So this compounds MY frustration.

I have really gone out of my way to make our home welcoming and myself and my dd available for Mary in hopes to foster a great friendship. I don't know that Mary's mom feels the same way as Mary is not available for play as much as we would like. This means that every time she comes over since it has been so long we have to start from scratch with the rules and boundaires. In my mind I would like Mary to come over lots and lots and establish a firm relationship with her (me) and over time develope a good rapor. This is not possible and it frustrates me.

It does bug me that Mary's folks take gifts away from her and don't allow most toys. Mary talks about how much she hates that and thinks it is unfair. At first I thought maybe the loading and unloading was symptomatic of this, but realize now how age appropriate and normal it is. My dd does this too. I was just being blinded by my frustration. Also, I have seen Mary frantically tear at a box of necklaces' and other treasure boxes (which seems slightly off) and she has both broken my dd's things and taken some home without asking (to be returned of coarse by her mother). All of this just adds to the whole mess.

I have trouble with boundaries and enforcing them in general (and prefer a much more casual and lazy approach) and so this too adds to my discomfort as I have to be clear and follow through... which of coarse I have to do but don't enjoy.

Hmmm, what else? Oh yes, the sister. Mary has a sister several years older than she who my dd likes and so do I. Well on one playdate Mary said how much her older sister pouts and cries about it when Mary comes to our house. Apparently this happpens every time she comes and so I have invited the older sister to come to play several times which just makes it all harder because I don't have experience with 8 year olds and because now there are 3 girls... and I have to comfort the 8 year old becasue she is being left out of the play.... complicated, complicated.

Oh and did I mention that the playdates are not reciprocated?

So as it goes I have some work to do: gain clarity, establish boundaries, seems like I have been down this road before. I have to keep clear that most of my issue IS with the mom and her choices and not Mary. The only real issue with Mary is that she sometimes seems overwhelmed and becomes frantic (tearing at the jewelry and such). I think I could manage this and guide her through it now that I have some clarity and although I have invited her sister along for the playdate I think I might stop doing that. Evne though it will probably mean Mary can't come..... sigh.

Thanks so much for all of your replies...I'll keep reading too.

[Chicky2]

Hmmm, makes me wonder if there's not some other issue w/Mary, rering at the necklaces, etc. Emotional, developmental, or maybe she's just inexperienced w/other kids?

As far as the 8 yo feeling left out, around here, it's normal the older ones kind of lead the play, and "teach" the younger ones how to do it.

I guess I don't have any advice, really. Sorry.

[lolar2]

Originally Posted by Ravenlunatic

It does bug me that Mary's folks take gifts away from her and don't allow most toys. Mary talks about how much she hates that and thinks it is unfair.

Does Mary go to a Waldorf school? When I've read on the Waldorf threads here at MDC, they seem very strict to me about what toys are good for children. There seems to be a philosophy that many kinds of toys are harmful for their development, and especially around Christmas time I see a lot of threads about taking "inappropriate" (for example, made of plastic) toys away from their children. But they aren't doing it for the sake of being strict, they're doing it because they want to do what's best for their children's development.

[Ravenlunatic]

No they are not specifically Waldorf, although they do have some tendencies.... no media either, only whole food, nothing processed. I understand that most parents make decisions based on what they think is best for their kids.... but of coarse the kids don't understand the extent of what they experience. Maybe when they are older...